Horoscopes (the voices in your head were right)
04-27-2016, 01:50 AM
Aries (March 21 - April 19):
You are going to have a great week. The stars are rewarding you for your inherently good nature and looks. No point in stressing about the mirror you are going to break, the stars have got you covered.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
You came from the earth, and to the earth you will return. Be wary of any large creatures stalking you to your home; this time, they want more than your left socks.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Don't take up a career in politics. If you are currently single, you are very lonely. If you are not single, you will be shortly.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
The stars know what you did in the dark. They will to punish you. Run.
Leo (July 23 - August 22):
You will pass a penny on the ground today. If you pick it up, a windfall of illicit substances will be discovered. If you see it, but don't pick it up, your condition will worsen (I hope you like the smell of dead rodent). If you walk by it obliviously, you will also walk past the rest of the money in the wallet, as well as the body.
Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Love is in your future. A lawsuit is also in your future.
Libra (September 23 - October 22):
Pick a religion and pray. Not even the stars can help you now.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
What's black and white and red all over? The street. Oh god, so much red. So, so much red.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
The monster in your closet is affecting your dreams. The block in your creative energies will be forcefully removed. Expect some cramping in the torso region.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Left. Left. Left. Right. 45°09'35.4"N, 24°38'27.8"E. Good luck.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Another boring day in your boring life. There isn't much point in getting up this week, so cancel everything and stare at your ceiling for days.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
The next Sunday you spend on a beach will be your last. If you are single, expect a long-form census in the mail.
You are going to have a great week. The stars are rewarding you for your inherently good nature and looks. No point in stressing about the mirror you are going to break, the stars have got you covered.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
You came from the earth, and to the earth you will return. Be wary of any large creatures stalking you to your home; this time, they want more than your left socks.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Don't take up a career in politics. If you are currently single, you are very lonely. If you are not single, you will be shortly.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
The stars know what you did in the dark. They will to punish you. Run.
Leo (July 23 - August 22):
You will pass a penny on the ground today. If you pick it up, a windfall of illicit substances will be discovered. If you see it, but don't pick it up, your condition will worsen (I hope you like the smell of dead rodent). If you walk by it obliviously, you will also walk past the rest of the money in the wallet, as well as the body.
Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Love is in your future. A lawsuit is also in your future.
Libra (September 23 - October 22):
Pick a religion and pray. Not even the stars can help you now.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
What's black and white and red all over? The street. Oh god, so much red. So, so much red.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
The monster in your closet is affecting your dreams. The block in your creative energies will be forcefully removed. Expect some cramping in the torso region.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Left. Left. Left. Right. 45°09'35.4"N, 24°38'27.8"E. Good luck.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Another boring day in your boring life. There isn't much point in getting up this week, so cancel everything and stare at your ceiling for days.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
The next Sunday you spend on a beach will be your last. If you are single, expect a long-form census in the mail.
Sig:
![[Image: CjS93PU.png]](https://i.imgur.com/CjS93PU.png)
![[Image: LkT4Tqb.png]](https://i.imgur.com/LkT4Tqb.png)