RE: The Eagle Time Book Club: Now reading Catch-22
05-04-2012, 01:52 AM
CHAPTER ONE:
SLANT FLYING
So I have to hand it to Ms. Kelly; she has interesting chapter titles. A brief flip through the book reveals "High Pat on Horse", "Needle at Sea Bottom", "Shoot the Tiger", and (my favorite) "Step Forward and Punch". Now I don't know how literal these titles are (is there actual Tiger poaching in that chapter? Oh goodness maybe a magical TIGER is the real murderer and our protagonist gets to actually PUNCH it -IDE/Theory), but in the first chapter at least, there is hardly any evidence of slants or flying. It's the kind of title that's obscure but in a good way - the way that encourages the reader to invest slightly more in a story than they would have normally. It may have no more meaning than whatever two words she threw up on her "Create a title: Mad Lib" but it still serves its purpose. It gives the reader a hint of curiosity and a glimmer of hope before diving head first into the shallow muck of Magical Catlandia.
Okay. I have a confession to make. I have not actually set down to read a legit book in a long time. The fact that I am categorizing this paperback as a "legit book" shows that much. Most of my reading in the last year or so has been mainly in the form of adventures, grand battles, and other little story tid-bits found on these internets. While entertaining, they are a format completely different from these "novels", and many of my catiques may simply be due to differences in mediums, and not in the actual quality of the literature.
For example:
I do not have a vivid picture of the setting and characters presented to me immediately upon reading.
"Isn't that like, the VERY FIRST THING you're supposed to do in a story?" asks the reader of grandbattles and forumventures. "Where is the character description post? Where is the image showing their appearance and initial items of significance? How am I supposed to decipher what is happening without some form of expository introduction?"
I mean sure, it takes a while to get to know a character and setting and a little bit of having to figure all that out can be fun but it's not even until page 7 that you get a clear indicator of the protagonist's GENDER. (Okay maybe the references to yoga pants and long hair should have been clues, and it doesn't help that our esteemed author chose to write in the first person (you mean women don't constantly think "also I am a girl with breasts" to themselves? man if I was a girl I'd be thinking that all the time (more on that later))
but, Ms. Kelly, while the "what is going on in this book?" game can be quite fun it is only so when you are not DELIBERATELY MISLEADING YOUR READERS.
Okay, maybe I'm just an idiot but I was seriously asking myself: "wait, so does this like, take place on a farm?" Not because of any overt farm metaphors, but because of the continual reference to the murder and dismemberment of one "Fred the Funky Chicken". It is not until a good 500 words after his introduction that you realize Fred the Funky Chicken (oh and it must be typed out, like that, every time) is actually some elaborate catnip toy.
"Oh!" I realize, "This isn't some meaningless word-waste! This confusing and poorly described introduction is actually establishing a very important character trait for one of the catagonsits! Turns out Owen the cat's defining and identifying trait is that he LIKES CATNIP."
CAT LIKES CATNIP. GAWDAMN. PULL OUT THE PULITZER PEOPLE.
Now I KNOW this author does not own a cat. No actual cat owner would make the key trait of one of their feline companions "likes catnip" or even "really likes catnip". I've had enough Friends With Cats to know that descriptive cat words include: "picky", "boastful", "affectionate", "cunning", and "pissed on my couch". "Likes catnip" does not make the list.
(still don't know why she wrote this though)
Okay.
I need to speed this up.
There is so much material here but...
like I am going to write more review than there is catbook.
So I guess lets hit the high/low notes in the form of
A NUMBERED LIST!
1. You don't need to clarify your cat said "meow".
This is assumed. While cats can make a variety of noises the default noises are "Meow" "Purr" and "hiss".
GUESS WHAT! Those sounds already have verbs that go with them!
Instead of writing: "'Meow,' the cat said." You could simply say "The cat meowed." Or (if you want to change it up) "'Meow.'" (If you opt for the latter, guess what? People will assume that the MEOW WAS SAID BY A CAT.)
2. GET BETTER JOKES
(oh hey I can use quote boxes - that will make this much easier)
DOHOHOHOHOHOHO.
F*CK YOU. We here at EagleTime have a high standard for puns and joke related humor. If you can't make a joke worth reading then don't write it at all. (or at least conceal it under layers of censored swears and sarcasm to give you plausible deniability should anyone find it.) Weak ass, forced jokes like that gives that same feeling you get when someone accidentally spits food on your face. You're not really mad, because they probably didn't mean it, but it still breaks the flow of what you're doing and grosses you out a bit.
3. The boring part.
Every book has this. Almost in every chapter. It's that part of the book where the character is changing locations and every detail of the scenery and setting gets described to us.
Is...is there some sort of scenery fetish community that just loves reading verbose descriptions of building architecture and the current weather? I mean, do people really read these sections and think "oh my what entertaining dribble! I can't wait for it to not be relevant to the story in any way!"? I can't be the only person that just glosses over these sections until I see some dialogue.
I think the really talented author is the one that can keep the pace and flavor of the story going during these typical "boring parts". Moby Dick, I think is an excellent example of where this works.
This book is not.
REVIEW PART 1 of 2 of CHAPTER ONE of TWENTY FIVE - COMPLETE.
I AM GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO THIS FASTER.
SLANT FLYING
So I have to hand it to Ms. Kelly; she has interesting chapter titles. A brief flip through the book reveals "High Pat on Horse", "Needle at Sea Bottom", "Shoot the Tiger", and (my favorite) "Step Forward and Punch". Now I don't know how literal these titles are (is there actual Tiger poaching in that chapter? Oh goodness maybe a magical TIGER is the real murderer and our protagonist gets to actually PUNCH it -IDE/Theory), but in the first chapter at least, there is hardly any evidence of slants or flying. It's the kind of title that's obscure but in a good way - the way that encourages the reader to invest slightly more in a story than they would have normally. It may have no more meaning than whatever two words she threw up on her "Create a title: Mad Lib" but it still serves its purpose. It gives the reader a hint of curiosity and a glimmer of hope before diving head first into the shallow muck of Magical Catlandia.
Okay. I have a confession to make. I have not actually set down to read a legit book in a long time. The fact that I am categorizing this paperback as a "legit book" shows that much. Most of my reading in the last year or so has been mainly in the form of adventures, grand battles, and other little story tid-bits found on these internets. While entertaining, they are a format completely different from these "novels", and many of my catiques may simply be due to differences in mediums, and not in the actual quality of the literature.
For example:
I do not have a vivid picture of the setting and characters presented to me immediately upon reading.
"Isn't that like, the VERY FIRST THING you're supposed to do in a story?" asks the reader of grandbattles and forumventures. "Where is the character description post? Where is the image showing their appearance and initial items of significance? How am I supposed to decipher what is happening without some form of expository introduction?"
I mean sure, it takes a while to get to know a character and setting and a little bit of having to figure all that out can be fun but it's not even until page 7 that you get a clear indicator of the protagonist's GENDER. (Okay maybe the references to yoga pants and long hair should have been clues, and it doesn't help that our esteemed author chose to write in the first person (you mean women don't constantly think "also I am a girl with breasts" to themselves? man if I was a girl I'd be thinking that all the time (more on that later))
but, Ms. Kelly, while the "what is going on in this book?" game can be quite fun it is only so when you are not DELIBERATELY MISLEADING YOUR READERS.
Okay, maybe I'm just an idiot but I was seriously asking myself: "wait, so does this like, take place on a farm?" Not because of any overt farm metaphors, but because of the continual reference to the murder and dismemberment of one "Fred the Funky Chicken". It is not until a good 500 words after his introduction that you realize Fred the Funky Chicken (oh and it must be typed out, like that, every time) is actually some elaborate catnip toy.
"Oh!" I realize, "This isn't some meaningless word-waste! This confusing and poorly described introduction is actually establishing a very important character trait for one of the catagonsits! Turns out Owen the cat's defining and identifying trait is that he LIKES CATNIP."
CAT LIKES CATNIP. GAWDAMN. PULL OUT THE PULITZER PEOPLE.
Now I KNOW this author does not own a cat. No actual cat owner would make the key trait of one of their feline companions "likes catnip" or even "really likes catnip". I've had enough Friends With Cats to know that descriptive cat words include: "picky", "boastful", "affectionate", "cunning", and "pissed on my couch". "Likes catnip" does not make the list.
(still don't know why she wrote this though)
Okay.
I need to speed this up.
There is so much material here but...
like I am going to write more review than there is catbook.
So I guess lets hit the high/low notes in the form of
A NUMBERED LIST!
1. You don't need to clarify your cat said "meow".
This is assumed. While cats can make a variety of noises the default noises are "Meow" "Purr" and "hiss".
GUESS WHAT! Those sounds already have verbs that go with them!
Instead of writing: "'Meow,' the cat said." You could simply say "The cat meowed." Or (if you want to change it up) "'Meow.'" (If you opt for the latter, guess what? People will assume that the MEOW WAS SAID BY A CAT.)
2. GET BETTER JOKES
(oh hey I can use quote boxes - that will make this much easier)
only on page two guys Wrote:"You have a problem, Owen," I told the cat [in reference to the chewing of Fred the Funky Chicken] "You have a monkey on your back...Or maybe I should say you have a chicken on your back."
DOHOHOHOHOHOHO.
F*CK YOU. We here at EagleTime have a high standard for puns and joke related humor. If you can't make a joke worth reading then don't write it at all. (or at least conceal it under layers of censored swears and sarcasm to give you plausible deniability should anyone find it.) Weak ass, forced jokes like that gives that same feeling you get when someone accidentally spits food on your face. You're not really mad, because they probably didn't mean it, but it still breaks the flow of what you're doing and grosses you out a bit.
3. The boring part.
Every book has this. Almost in every chapter. It's that part of the book where the character is changing locations and every detail of the scenery and setting gets described to us.
Is...is there some sort of scenery fetish community that just loves reading verbose descriptions of building architecture and the current weather? I mean, do people really read these sections and think "oh my what entertaining dribble! I can't wait for it to not be relevant to the story in any way!"? I can't be the only person that just glosses over these sections until I see some dialogue.
I think the really talented author is the one that can keep the pace and flavor of the story going during these typical "boring parts". Moby Dick, I think is an excellent example of where this works.
This book is not.
REVIEW PART 1 of 2 of CHAPTER ONE of TWENTY FIVE - COMPLETE.
I AM GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO THIS FASTER.