RE: is homestuck the new homestuck?
02-02-2016, 05:50 PM
Well, like
I like you! Even shitheads have friends they're not shitty to. I just used to (still do sometimes, but less. Always gotta be trying to grow as a person) turn into a real bully if I had any kind of perceived power or place from which I can be like that without reprisal. I am embarrassed about a lot of my behavior in the past, but it's not something that consumes me anymore; I'm just trying to acknowledge my faults, because minimizing or justifying them makes it hard to improve. I'm sure there are people in this community who have negative opinions of me because of how I've treated them in the past, and they're not wrong to do so but I also don't have to be upset about that; I own what I did and said, but it's not who I am or am trying to be anymore. Their feelings are valid, and while I don't feel the need to prove to them that I'm different now, I think the best way to respect that is to make sure I don't do it to anyone anymore.
I guess what I'm saying is that when I say I was a shithead, I don't mean a categorically bad person, or necessarily even mostly or inherently shitheaded, just that I engaged in a lot more shithead behaviors than I feel I do now. It also means that I'm a lot more inclined not to exercise the pettier, more elitist, or crueler aspects of my personality anymore, which makes past me a shithead by comparison.
Typing it out like this makes me suspect that even positively-used negative self-talk may not be the best way to make the changes I want in myself, but the intention wasn't so much self-denigration as continued cognizance of how I have to not act now and in the future. We're all always altering our mental toolkit, and this may be time to reexamine this particular tool.
[I had no idea Moh was a woman. I think that the last time I became aware of her, it was when she posted something on the MSPAF about beginning to identify as a gay man, but a) that was a very long time ago and b) it got to a point where there were a handful of posters whose posts I didn't read unless I had to because I could never figure out how sincere or ironic they were being at any given time, and I think Moh got lumped in with that. I'll have to be more respectful of her identity]
I like you! Even shitheads have friends they're not shitty to. I just used to (still do sometimes, but less. Always gotta be trying to grow as a person) turn into a real bully if I had any kind of perceived power or place from which I can be like that without reprisal. I am embarrassed about a lot of my behavior in the past, but it's not something that consumes me anymore; I'm just trying to acknowledge my faults, because minimizing or justifying them makes it hard to improve. I'm sure there are people in this community who have negative opinions of me because of how I've treated them in the past, and they're not wrong to do so but I also don't have to be upset about that; I own what I did and said, but it's not who I am or am trying to be anymore. Their feelings are valid, and while I don't feel the need to prove to them that I'm different now, I think the best way to respect that is to make sure I don't do it to anyone anymore.
I guess what I'm saying is that when I say I was a shithead, I don't mean a categorically bad person, or necessarily even mostly or inherently shitheaded, just that I engaged in a lot more shithead behaviors than I feel I do now. It also means that I'm a lot more inclined not to exercise the pettier, more elitist, or crueler aspects of my personality anymore, which makes past me a shithead by comparison.
Typing it out like this makes me suspect that even positively-used negative self-talk may not be the best way to make the changes I want in myself, but the intention wasn't so much self-denigration as continued cognizance of how I have to not act now and in the future. We're all always altering our mental toolkit, and this may be time to reexamine this particular tool.
[I had no idea Moh was a woman. I think that the last time I became aware of her, it was when she posted something on the MSPAF about beginning to identify as a gay man, but a) that was a very long time ago and b) it got to a point where there were a handful of posters whose posts I didn't read unless I had to because I could never figure out how sincere or ironic they were being at any given time, and I think Moh got lumped in with that. I'll have to be more respectful of her identity]