Inverted Commas
04-18-2012, 04:27 AM
Once upon a time, in Punctuationland, there was a family of commas.
Mama Comma and Papa Comma had thirty-five children, all of whom had found good work in novels, scripts, reference books, and legal documents.
At least, that was what the kingdom's official records showed.
In actuality, they had forty children. But four of them had severe birth defects: they had been born upside down.
Naturally, this would have been a scandal for the proud Comma family; there would have been endless rumors that Mama Comma had been involved in an affair, perhaps with that foreign question mark who had paid them a visit some time ago. Or that Papa Comma had been taking some performance boosters, with known side effects.
To avoid these uncomfortable questions, the four inverted Commas were quietly snuck out of the kingdom and dropped on the doorstep of the evil witch who lived in the woods. They figured she would eat them and there would be no questions asked.
As for the fortieth child, that was Tom. They just don't talk about Tom. Nobody does. Tom never happened, okay? I have no idea who you're talking about. There is no Tom, never was a Tom, and there certainly will never be a Tom.
Except at Christmas. But you didn't see anything, okay?
In any case, the evil witch found the four inverted Commas on her doorstep, and thought to herself.
I sure could go for a comma stew.
Then she paused.
It would be nice if I could say this instead of thinking it. And is it just me or are these commas upside-down?
And then she had an idea. She picked up the four inverted commas.
"There we go! That's better!" she said. Then she paused.
"Too bad there aren't more of you. Then maybe we could have some actual conversations around here. And maybe I could order some pizza instead of having to grab whatever punctuation I find lying around."
Then she slapped her forehead.
"Oh, right! I'm a witch! I can do magic! I can cast a spell and make more of them!"
And then the land was filled with inverted commas, and the people could finally talk.
"Whoa! These inverted commas are cool!" said an exclamation mark.
"Why haven't we used them before?" a question mark asked.
And then it was revealed that Mama Comma and Papa Comma were the parents of the original four and the evil witch had made the rest and everyone now owed her royalties for using them. After the town handed over King Ampersand and Princess Asterisk, they stormed over to Mama Comma and Papa Comma's house to complain.
"We just had to pay the evil witch royalties!!!" three exclamation marks shouted at once.
"Why didn't you just let them be members of our society instead???" asked three question marks.
"Listen, I know you're all upset," Papa Comma said.
"But, really, the monarchy was never a very effective system of government," Mama Comma said.
"Yes, when you think about it, we did the nation a favor," Papa Comma hastily added.
There was some murmuring.
"The king always was a jerk! Never could focus on just one thing! It was always two things with him!"
"And what about the princess? What do you think is in all those footnotes she kept and wouldn't let us see?"
The crowd soon dispersed, and then everybody lived talkatively ever after.
Mama Comma and Papa Comma had thirty-five children, all of whom had found good work in novels, scripts, reference books, and legal documents.
At least, that was what the kingdom's official records showed.
In actuality, they had forty children. But four of them had severe birth defects: they had been born upside down.
Naturally, this would have been a scandal for the proud Comma family; there would have been endless rumors that Mama Comma had been involved in an affair, perhaps with that foreign question mark who had paid them a visit some time ago. Or that Papa Comma had been taking some performance boosters, with known side effects.
To avoid these uncomfortable questions, the four inverted Commas were quietly snuck out of the kingdom and dropped on the doorstep of the evil witch who lived in the woods. They figured she would eat them and there would be no questions asked.
As for the fortieth child, that was Tom. They just don't talk about Tom. Nobody does. Tom never happened, okay? I have no idea who you're talking about. There is no Tom, never was a Tom, and there certainly will never be a Tom.
Except at Christmas. But you didn't see anything, okay?
In any case, the evil witch found the four inverted Commas on her doorstep, and thought to herself.
I sure could go for a comma stew.
Then she paused.
It would be nice if I could say this instead of thinking it. And is it just me or are these commas upside-down?
And then she had an idea. She picked up the four inverted commas.
"There we go! That's better!" she said. Then she paused.
"Too bad there aren't more of you. Then maybe we could have some actual conversations around here. And maybe I could order some pizza instead of having to grab whatever punctuation I find lying around."
Then she slapped her forehead.
"Oh, right! I'm a witch! I can do magic! I can cast a spell and make more of them!"
And then the land was filled with inverted commas, and the people could finally talk.
"Whoa! These inverted commas are cool!" said an exclamation mark.
"Why haven't we used them before?" a question mark asked.
And then it was revealed that Mama Comma and Papa Comma were the parents of the original four and the evil witch had made the rest and everyone now owed her royalties for using them. After the town handed over King Ampersand and Princess Asterisk, they stormed over to Mama Comma and Papa Comma's house to complain.
"We just had to pay the evil witch royalties!!!" three exclamation marks shouted at once.
"Why didn't you just let them be members of our society instead???" asked three question marks.
"Listen, I know you're all upset," Papa Comma said.
"But, really, the monarchy was never a very effective system of government," Mama Comma said.
"Yes, when you think about it, we did the nation a favor," Papa Comma hastily added.
There was some murmuring.
"The king always was a jerk! Never could focus on just one thing! It was always two things with him!"
"And what about the princess? What do you think is in all those footnotes she kept and wouldn't let us see?"
The crowd soon dispersed, and then everybody lived talkatively ever after.