Order and Chaos

"Peace in our time."

I raised my head from the kneeled position I had been in to meet this magnanimous ambassador face-to-face. You Won't Believe What I Saw Next!

I was coming face-to-face with my own face, eyepatch and all. The ambassador looked exactly like me! No, more — I could feel it in my bones — the ambassador was me, and I was the ambassador. Not a duplicate, not a long-lost twin or clone or time-displaced version of myself; a superposition, we were simultaneously one and the same. The ambassador smiled and gently lifted my eyepatch. You'll Never Look At The Concept Of Self The Same Way Again After You See This — But You Won't Be Able To Stop Smiling, Either. Until You Watch What Happens Next!

"Ha! Of course I'm going to use this tragedy as an excuse for war... for I WAS THE ASSASSIN ALL ALONG!"

Cackling, I unsheathed the knife from my boot and stabbed my kneeling self in the brain through the raw eyehole in one swift motion. Now that the only witness to what I had done, me, had bitten the dust, I was off the hook scot-free! Free of Scots, I tell you! I didn't even have to do any extra work to make it look like a suicide, since that was exactly what it was!

I composed myself and locked the jail cell door from the outside, then started walking away while whistling and leaving the knife in my pathetic, poorly-dressed other self's eyehole. I had people to go, places to do, things to be! I passed the guard on the way out, who was blind like everyone else, it goes without saying. He peeked out from behind his newspaper.

"I love you!" he said. "Nice clothes, on a visual level, today, misses... mister...?"

Well, what was it that I was wearing that was so impressive anyway, other than the eyepatch? Was I a misses or a mister, or perhaps a miser and neither? What was my last name? How old was I? Hairstyle? Hair color? Eye color? Skin color? Favorite color? Height, in metric, imperial, and cubits? Was I heavyset or lithe? Wealthy or indigent? My shoes — heels, flats, arch support, full rollerskates or just wheels-in-the-heels? My nose — wide and tall, or thin and short? (Feel free to mix and match!) Any facial hair? Any body hair? How thick were my eyebrows, and was it a unibrow? Any rashes? Scars? Major disfigurements? Genetic diseases I didn't know about? Regular diseases, like the plague or the common cold? What did I do with my fingernails, did I chew them off, grow them out, or file them down, paint them? Did I do the same with my toenails? How much could I bench (in grams, pounds, and libra)? Was I wearing lipstick? What was my first name? Fill out this form:

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OUTFIT:
GENDER:
LAST NAME:
AGE:
HAIRSTYLE:
HAIR COLOR:
EYE COLOR:
SKIN COLOR:
FAVORITE COLOR:
HEIGHT:
BUILD:
MONEY:
SHOETYPE:
NOSESHAPE:
FACIAL HAIR:
BODY HAIR:
EYEBROWS:
RASHES:
SCARS:
DISFIGUREMENTS:
GENETIC DISEASES:
REGULAR DISEASES:
FINGERNAILS:
TOENAILS:
CAN BENCH:
LIPSTICK:
FIRST NAME: