The thread for flipping shits (and tables)

i don't have to think very hard about my current and ideal future lifestyle to call my purpose for existing into question

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i can't imagine myself going through the whole "get a job and work your way up to a well-paying career in something you don't care about so you can do your art as a hobby" thing, i have always always imagined myself as trying to survive off of my art, and with stuff like patreon now that's a much more reasonable idea

the problem is i can't make myself even work on stuff that i want to work on

i want to do comics but i have no ideas that i would want to commit to

i want to make games but i can't program and i'm not patient enough to teach myself how to program and I cannot ask gamedev friends for help because they'll just get exasperated and tell me to look up tutorials and I'm pretty sure they get the impression that I just want a programmer to make my games for me

(the idea of getting a programmer friend to help me with my game ideas is absurd by this point btw; ~5 years of hanging out with gamedev friends has taught me that that's selfish and they're all working on their own projects anyway)(i am not entitled enough to challenge this viewpoint)

i often question myself in the back of my mind why i even try to develop game ideas because i know i can't do anything about them

and it's somehow really paradoxically discouraging to see other people be successful with patreon. they wanted to be able to easily survive while working on fun things they care about, and other people are interested enough to see them through on that, and now they're achieving their goals! it seems so easy! all they had to do was continue doing their hobby and show it off a lot and then ask for money to continue doing it!

WHY CAN'T I DO THAT

all i have to do is work hard on stuff i care about, i should already be doing that literally all the time so why is it so hard to even start
i donnt understand at all

and if i'm going to try to live my life supporting myself by doing what i love, but i can't even make myself do what i love, then, what am i even doing??? what is the point of existing if i'm so determined not to spend my life slaving away for a corporation but i can't even do things for myself.

this isn't even taking into account the other stuff i was worried about before, that being me being worried about getting a real job soon so i have an excuse to not continue going through college classes
dad keeps asking every so often when i'm gonna sign up for more btw
it's scary

edit: to be honest you might as well not even reply to this, nobody has ever been able to help or give useful advice or make me feel better about this yet