Vox Mentis

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SpoilerGoing with Whim's becuase it opens up a path I wanted to explore.

Speaking of not interesting, why do we like this guy anyway if we think he's so boring?

Jeremy's the only guy who's ever treated you like a person, not a thing to be used. He's a breath of fresh air in a lifetime of Jimmys. He's soft-spoken, and actually talks to you. He wants to know what you think about things. You like that. Sure, he's boring now, but you've been together in secret for two years now - as much as his isolationist tendencies might annoy you now, you can't just easily throw away two years of a secret relationship.

We should do something stupid.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," not with anything lewd, but with the power words you're not supposed to share with anybody. Not to use, at least, not by saying them out loud at each other. Not to use them to practice....use them to build a bond of trust.

It's not sex, it's not about anything physical, but it is intimacy.

It's also a huge stupid risk, but what's living if you don't take some?

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," you say quietly.

Jeremy turns and looks at you. "What?"

"Oh my God, Jeremy, not sex. The words. I want to be vulnerable to you. We've kept these walls up for two years. Let me in a little."

He stares at you, eyes searching. The silence stretches.

"Sorry, sorry, I know-"

"No. It's fine. I'll show you. Just one though."

You freeze. You hadn't actually thought he would, but here you are. Your heart pounds as he stands up and starts moving around the room, retrieving scraps of paper from various places. Inside a book. Under the mattress. The inside of the closet door. You realize he's torn his words into fragments, to prevent someone like you from sneaking in and seeing them.

Once the scraps are assembled, you see the word:



It's the same as Sasha's. Your heart beats furiously on the inside of your chest. Just like that, you know Jeremy Lantern. And Jeremy Lantern is a thirteen.

You can't stop yourself, and in retrospect, you're not quite sure of the steps that led you from looking at Jeremy's word to kissing him, hard.

~

You go to class the next day and no one knows. It's a secret treasure. You sit in the back row and think: Jeremy Lantern is a thirteen. You know yours too - Once you told Jeremy about Vartix, he confirmed you're a 220. You've thought about his set before and decided he was probably a ninety-four. His behavior matched up almost perfectly and you'd watched him pretty carefully. But now you know different. Ninety-four is a cover. He's a thirteen. And now he knows you just as well as you know him.

~

After classes, you decide to get him a slushie. He'll be studying all afternoon and have no time for you; you know that. You won't bother him and won't expect anything to be different. But you'll get him a slushie.

On the way out, you notice Eliot's door is open. You hesitate. You haven't seen him for months, have been looking forward to his next visit, but right now you should probably avoid him. Because maybe Eliot can tell that you've been... intimate with another student. But then he comes out of his office and it's too late. "Hey!" you say. "Busy? You look busy."

"Yes. Leaving. But you can walk with me."

"Okay." You fall into step. You walk in silence. You transition from being worried that Eliot might figure it out to being disappointed that he hasn't. "How's life?"

"How's life?"

"Yes."

"Life's good."

"Good." You pass a group of boys loitering with intent, who straighten and shift. Eliot is well respected here. It's widely believed that he teaches so rarely because he's usually required to be away doing mysterious and badass things. "I was thinking about my name. My poet name, I mean, when I graduate. What sort of options do I have? Can I be Dante?"

"You can't be Dante."

"Aw, come on."

"We already have a Dante."

"Bah."

"Also, graduates aren't given the names of world-renowned poets," says Eliot. "You'll be someone you've never heard of."

"Is there a list I can choose from?"

"No."

"You guys are hard-asses." You reach the front door and descend the steps. "Welp, see you around."

He pauses. "You're happier."

"What?"

"You seem happy."

You shrug. "It's a beautiful day, Eliot, what do you want me to say?" He doesn't answer. "You should get out more," you say. You walk away. He's going to call you back; you can feel it. He'll know everything. But he doesn't, and your tension eases, and by the time you reach the gate, you're humming.

~

You purchase two slushies and almost get hit by a car running across the road while carrying them back. You balance them in the crook of your arm and knock on Jeremy's door. When he calls out, you push the door open with your hip. "Refreshment!"

He looks at the slushies. He's not as happy as you hoped.

"Thank you, Elise," you say.

"Thanks."

You deposit the slushie on his desk and lean your butt against the wall. You'd intended to give him the drink and go, but now you don't want to. "How's the studying going?"

"Slowly."

You nod. "I'll leave you to it."

"Thanks."

"Unless you want a study break." You raise your eyebrows.

"That can't happen again."

"What can't happen?"

"You know what." His voice drops. "We shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have."

"Well, I forgive you." You try to keep it light, but your heart is sinking through your stomach. You'd seen this coming, hadn't you? You practically provoked it. But now you feel sick.

"If they knew, I'd be expelled."

"We both would."

"Yes, but..." He taps the books lightly with his fingers. "This is my final exam. I can't fuck this up."

You stare at him.

"You understand, right? I can't see you anymore. You're a distraction. This is more important. I'm sorry."

"Are you," you say. The freezing condensation of your slushie in your hand seems to ice up your veins.

"I think you're a great person-"

Oh, fuck that. What do you do?