Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

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Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Four: WHALE DUEL: BATTLE ROYALE: THE ADVENTURE (32/71 Alive)
Granolaman steps onstage accompanied by his loyal lobster-shanks, ignoring the podium entirely. He simply looks down, points a lobster at the sky, and shouts two words.

"HIT IT."


Granolaman Wrote:
[Image: 0d4960d2a4853bf0153cdbf64ac58cda.png]
last known photo of whale-verse champion: Granolaman

Top Secret True Events of the Whale Duel. Whale President's Ears Only: https://tindeck.com/listen/rrek

Lyrics:
Show Content

The applause is deafening, and Granola caps off his performance by thunderously cleaving the podium in half, using the force generated to launch himself off the deck and go flying towards the shoreline.

Once again the Herald can hardly compose themselves enough to announce the next Duelist.

I-i-it's.... PALAMEDES!
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
Palamedes walks up, fending off a gaggle of fans and sycophants all clamoring for his autograph. It seems news of his victory has... somehow... preceded his press conference! He salvages the microphone from the savaged podium, turning to address the crowd.

"Unlike some of my compatriots, I don't need to resort to propaganda or anything similarly petty to prove myself. I know I was victorious, and the truth will out! I am sure the Whale Dimension will provide evidence ot that effect via a reputable, objective source."

He glances toward the starboard bow.

As if on cue, a WHALE DIMENSION PORTAL yawns open near the S.S. Whalenaught. To the crowd's shock, some form of tidal wave comes roaring out, soon swamping the deck with...

newspapers?

An enterprising newswhale takes up the call.

"EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!"

Palamedes Wrote:
[Image: NR7__5_hO5hpsyp5PykgUTzsoLE_zPzDzHs7P1jW...ize_mode=3]

Palamedes gives a self-satisfied smile before clapping his hands and winking out of existence alongside every newspaper that wasn't picked up. None of the observing WHALECAMERAS manage to spot the brief flicker of an editor's office behind him.

The Herald's voice is muffled by the newspaper it is eagerly devouring in both a literal and metaphorical sense.

IT'S TIME! FOR! PHARMACY!
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Four: WHALE DUEL: BATTLE ROYALE: THE ADVENTURE (32/71 Alive)
Spotlights converge on Pharmacy, standing on the opposite end of the S.S. Whalenaught.

Thumping whale-techno starts up as she strides down across a rigging tightrope, sunglasses bathed in the light of a hundred WHALE FIREBREATHERS performing on either side of the ship. The sky lights up with the CELESTIAL NARWHALS bursting into colorful celebrations, one image constantly reflected in their astral hides.

Her approach to the stage is heralded by a series of captioned images flashing onto a screen covering the Whalenaught's conning tower.

Pharmacy Wrote:[Image: regret.png]

"Pharmacy started sprouting these weird mutated limbs for some reason. It was probably something in the water."

Show Content

"Pharmacy and Truegreen established a ceasefire line at the Marinara Trench after an ongoing period of stalemate. The truce appeared fragile, however, as both sides of the DMZ saw significant coral buildup. Pharmacy was expected to make the first move, once her footholds over the Ranch and Worcestershire Trenches were secured."

It is only when she steps onto the wreckage of the podium and turns to face the crowd, however, that the source of the CELESTIAL NARWHALS' excitement is revealed in full. Surely the commander of such an armada is the WHALE DUELS' true champion?

Pharmacy Wrote:
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"Pharmacy unleashed her super form! - It is obviously that of an unnaturally large, levitating narwhal (Monodon monoceros), one of the more majestic examples of the order Cetacea. Unlike an actual narwhal, my super form actually has teeth. And a jetpack."

Her awesome show of force concluded, a Celestial Narwhal swoops down and whisks Pharmacy off the Whalenaught.

Knocked out of its booth by sheer terror, the Herald scrambles back into its seating before announcing...

CAN ANYONE TOP THE NARWHARMY? GOOD LUCK TO...

SCHAZER!
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
Schazer's approach starts out far less bombastic than Pharmacy's. That is until the conning tower lights up again, bearing a photographic snapshot of the WHALE DIMENSION in all its glory.

The crowd goes wild. The ship rumbles.

Schazer clambers up onto the stage in desultory fashion, casually tossing what seems to be a phone up and down in her hand. Ignoring the mood of the deck entirely, she picks up the microphone and starts talking.

"Well, I managed to chronicle this much of that total shitstorm before my battery died."

She chucks her phone into the crowd, where it is quickly brought to the WHALETECHS and beamed onto the world wide fishweb for all to see.

Schazer Wrote:

"All I have is the truth and my journalistic integrity, ask me anything - I have nothing to hide" she continues, before hopping back off the stage and vanishing back into her entourage.

The viewers are too enthralled with reading her take-no-prisoners FULL ACCOUNT of whale battles to notice her absence.

The Herald pulls its attention away from the computer screen in front of it long enough to continue the show... about half an hour later. No-one minds.

Remember, if you have any questions for Schazer, feel free to ask via her EXALTED BLOGG.

But for now, please turn your attention back towards the stage foooooor...

SEEDY!
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
Seedy, however, is nowhere to be found. The only noise the crowd can hear is the surf and the rumbling that started when the crowd exploded in response to Schazer's introduction.

A rumbling that seems to be coming from... beneath. the. ship.

[Image: YOJYSq9.png]

Tentacles of all sizes erupt around the S.S. Whalenaught, encircling it in seconds. The spotlights strain to turn towards one floating high above the chaos, carrying a very particular passenger.

Seedy.

She says nothing, the tentacles slowly wrapping around each and every observer - and the plankton-fiber stream. She snaps her fingers, and they glow with an eldritch power. The world is plunged into a vision.

A vision of WHALE DUELS PAST.

Show Content

As quickly as they had arrived, the tentacles retract, taking Seedy back to the depths with them.

The Herald - and the crowd - are still reeling from the psychedelic experience, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

Up next.... Truegreen? Sorry, sorry...

UP NEXT! TRUEGREEN!
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Four: WHALE DUEL: BATTLE ROYALE: THE ADVENTURE (32/71 Alive)
Unlike everyone else on S.S. Whalenaught, Truegreen is utterly unfazed by the tentacular onslaught. He marches onto the stage, grabs the eternally-discarded microphone, and motions for attention.

It is a commanding motion, one the crowd responds to with alacrity, shaking off its lingering confusion. Truegreen had come out of the whale dimension a battle-hardened veteran, a fact that is obvious in every one of his movements. The crowd is drawn into rapt attention as he begins his tale, his words powerful enough to conjur images of the many battles he had faced.


Truegreen Wrote:
Show Content

The conclusion of Truegreen's history is punctuated by the boom of a 72-cannon salute to his fallen comrades, a single tear welling up in his eye as he stares at the sky.

The artillery rolls on for what seems like an aeon, but a final boom cues Truegreen's exit from the stage.

The lights go out.

The Herald readies itself to open the voting, but the spotlights seem to be having different ideas. They roll over towards the bowsprit, where a strange figure awaits them.

The Herald, perplexed, looks back down at his schedule.

Sruixan!?!?
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
Indeed, there he sits, a dapper chap astride a MASSIVE ROCK LOBSTER. He pulls out a microphone of his own, hooked up to a series of colossal speakers and SUBSEAWOOFERS.

There are no words to describe what follows.


Sruixan Wrote:
[Image: whaleillbedamned.png]
---> Click this <---

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE OF PORPAGANDA IS STUPIDLY LONG - ENSURE YOU ARE SITTING COMFORTABLY BEFORE CLICKING ON THE IMAGE

Lyrics
(you will need this)
Show Content

Credits
(you probably won't need this, but still)
Show Content

Sruixan's rock lobster engages its ROCKET LEGS, and the rock star rockets out of sight as quickly as he had appeared.

And so it is complete. The Whale Duel is now in the audience's hands.

Night Four has begun! It ends in ONE WEEK, or at 2:00 AM EST on Monday, September 1st.

Please submit your night actions along with your VOTE FOR THE WHALE DUEL CHAMPION in your quicktopic! If you don't have a night action because you're a ghost, just VOTE!
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
Oh, and for the record, all the whale duelists are once again shankable.

Livelist (30/71)

1. Schazer
2. Solaris
3. Sai
4. Not The Author
5. Seedy
6. SupahKiven
7. Palamedes
8. Pharmacy
9. Granolaman
10. Coldblooded
11. TehPilot
12. cyber95
13. Niall
14. amosmyn
15. Deviant One
16. Sanzh
17. Phish
18. konec0
19. Dragon Fogel
20. Gnauga
21. Whimbrel
22. LegendaryQ
23. Dalmationer
24. Sruixan
25. Breadpocalypse
26. Acionyx
27. Plaid
28. speedchuck
29. Truegreen
30. Ixcaliber
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
[redacted]
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
Narwhals are pretty great.
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
jesus
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
christ
[Image: xwldX.gif]
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
good lord
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
holy...
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Night Four: WHALE DUEL: PORPRESS CONFERENCE (30/71 Alive)
...shiv.
Is observing my own pattern of behavior of observing my own patterns of behavior a mental fractal or just navel gazing? Please advise.
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
Day Five: Rest In Pisces

As dawn breaks, it's apparent that hosting a trans-dimensional once-in-a-generation press conference wasn't enough for the fourth night of Vista Paolo's long inheritance negotiations.

The remaining bitches are all well-aware of this. After all, several nigh-thermonuclear explosions during the night are hard to ignore, even if they happen while you're busy shanking someone in the kidneys.

Speaking of those who've been shanked in the kidneys, let's tally them up.

cyber95 was a REGULAR SHANKER. He was shanked once.

Gnauga was a REGULAR SHANKER. They were shanked once.

Plaid was a REGULAR SHANKER. She was shanked twice - and messily, at that.

Deviant One was also shanked messily.
Turns out he was one of those damn VOODOO WIZARDS, so no-one really minds (see Pick Yer Poison, D3 Start).

konec0 was an UNTRACEABLE CRIMINAL SHANKER (see Prime Intellect, N3 Start). Not so untraceable now, huh? Pretty messily shanked once, though.

Whimbrel was an ACUPUNCTURE SPECIALIST (see Demonsul, D4 Start). She was shanked once!

and finally

Niall was a POSTMASTER GENERAL. With the POSTAL AUTHORITY vested in him, he could choose to make a SPECIAL DELIVERY to the thread each day that contained any of a selection of items - which he could decide on by using his postman's x-ray vision to choose the proper package. He would have won by being the last man standing or by delivering at least 5 packages.

He was shanked twice.


The only shankers out of the loop (and thereby late to the beach-side powwow everyone else has gathered at) do their best to brush conspicuous grave dirt off their clothes and mingle with the rest of their gawking shank compatriots.

Akumu and OztheWizard have RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE.

As their dull eyes swing towards the sea, they behold a rather unnatural sight. It seems the energies of the WHALE DIMENSION have suffused a large patch of regular space, space that. Well.

[Image: V5W4jHo.png]

Another five minutes of gawking at the anomaly are soon put to shame as a news van pulls up and a tricked-out reporting-nautilus-mech hops out. Gawking intensifies.

"Hello, and good morning from the HUMAN DIMENSION. I'm Acaea Dae for NNN, and we've just arrived on the scene of what we suspect are the first post-duel Whale Duellist deaths in several decades, only a few hours before the Whale Duel Award Ceremony begins.

Eyewitness reports tell us Pharmacy's yacht was moored in that exact spot yesterday evening."

She gesticulates wildly towards the anomaly, barely keeping the cumbersome mech under control.

"A pair of lifeless whaleshanks have also been found washed up nearby, identified by experts as being bound to Pharmacy and Dragon Fogel's life forces, respectively. That and the apparent presence of the whaledirge confirms our suspicion.

Pharmacy and Dragon Fogel are dead. Whalespace mourns their passing."

[Image: 0iytj1r.png]

Dragon Fogel was a REGULAR SHANKER.

Pharmacy was a SÉANCE SHANKER. In addition to the powers of a regular shanker, she could communicate with the SHANKSPIRITS OF THE DECEASED.

The Whaledirge emanating from the temporal anomaly informs you that Dragon Fogel was not shanked last night.

Pharmacy was shanked once, but long before her time of death.


"So shanking was not behind their demise. Which makes sense, as Whale Duellists they would be hardened enough to resist a kidneystab or two. So what did?

For more on that story, we're joined by our crustacean correspondent even more on the scene, Rocky the Rock Lobster."

Lobster With A Gun "Hiya!"

"Hey there Rocky, thanks again for your great work with Sruixan last night.

Now, what can you tell us about these mysterious nighttime explosions that we think are connected to our whale duellists' deaths?"

[Image: Empire_expl..png]

Lobster With A Gun "Well Acaea, as you can see from this high-fidelity security footage-that is 100% accurate don't question the daylight-the explosion happened on an elevated floor, in a room we've figured out belonged to speedchuck. Nothing special about him, really."

speedchuck was a REGULAR SHANKER.

Lobster With A Gun "The security footage also tells us speedchuck was shanked once last night. But that didn't kill him, in fact after he was shanked he was visited by...

Solaris.

Who hotel records show was sent here from the same corporate bank account as Chirality."


Solaris was a VEST MAGNATE. (See Chirality, D2 Start).

Whatever vests remained in their possession were destroyed in the explosion. They also went unshanked.


Lobster With A Gun "Now, that's just the warmup. If you'll follow me..."

Rocky scuttles down the boulevard until he reaches a hillside overlooking a pretty sizeable crater, waving his microphone all the way.

Lobster With A Gun "Twelve hours ago this was the site of a small farmhouse. We've recovered some debris, and I think we can say with some confidence that the presence of Morgan Freeman's charred head among it means Dalmationer got caught in the blast. We haven't been able to recover anything else about her, though.

Dalmationer was [ERROR: UNKNOWN].

Lobster With A Gun "Now, it might seem we're no closer to solving the mystery of why our noble whale duellists perished last night. That's why we've turned to NNN's top-secret source in Dang Ron Paul's R&D division, whose identity we're obviously keeping secret. I'll let them explain."

"I don't know what anyone else has told you, but DRP had some really horrifying research projects. The one you're asking about, that reminds me of a certain R&D division we codenamed Cambria. Why? Well, one of the largest evolutionary - life-developing - events in history was the Cambrian Explosion. This project. Well, see for yourself."

[Image: VaoSmii.png]

Breadpocalypse was a SENTIENT METRIC TON OF C4. As one of Dang Ron Paul's PRIZE EXPERIMENTS she was here to cause as much havoc as possible.

Each night, she could plant a BLOCK OF C4 on another player.

If she was killed, she would EXPLODE, taking any shankers looking to end her life that night with her.

All her PLANTED C4 CHARGES would also EXPLODE, eliminating any targets she'd planted C4 on. The explosion would also take out any player they were shanking as well as anyone attempting to shank them that night.

C4 Explosives ignored vest protection. She would not EXPLODE if she was killed by the groupshank, and she would be too far from her TRANSPONDER her PLANTED C4 CHARGES would have failed to detonate.

Her win conditions were: be the last player standing, take at least seven other people with her to the grave or maplehoof (no players left alive at the end of the game).


Lobster With A Gun "I've been Rocky the Rock Lobster for NNN. Back to you, Acaea!"

"Thanks Rocky. Loyal viewers, we'll be taking a commercial break for now, but stay tuned for more updates on the situation as it develops as well as the first report from the scene of the Whale Duel Awards once they get under way. This has been Acaea Dae for the Nautilus News Network!"

*KRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
*KRSHHHHHHH*

[Image: 1f44f7573e14332ce7eebcaa761aed3c.png]

If you're looking to craft your own undersea paradise, stop by Handsman!

You might live in the ocean, but

[Image: mds04.gif]

!!!

Our newest store is located in the middle of the beautiful Vista Paolo, for no discernible profit or market-based reason! Come and check out incredible products like

[Image: tumblr_nbh2l6tySI1ql1irgo1_250.png]
[Image: 3f8d96aa572ed9156ba2478bf5ad956e.png]
[Image: 3c5ce5a7e8b90ad8c42d2dad1edfea1c.png]

And more!

So please, stop by and experience Handsmans' ability to help you find what you want!

*KRSHHHHHHH*

Well, that's certainly a convincing argument. Bitches get on down to Handsman post-haste. Who knows what wonders lie in store... in the store!?!

The Whale Duel and its impending result are all but forgotten in the commotion. For now...

--------------------------------

It is now DAY FIVE.

Livelist

1. Schazer
2. Sai
3. NottheAuthor
4. Akumu
5. Seedy
6. SupahKiven
7. OztheWizard
8. Palamedes
9. Granolaman
10. Coldblooded
11. TehPilot
12. amosmyn
13. Sanzh
14. Phish
15. Ixcaliber
16. LegendaryQ
17. Sruixan
18. Acionyx
19. Truegreen

With 19 players alive, it takes 10 votes to groupshank. Day deadline is in 168 hours or at 12:00 PM EST on Friday, September 19th.
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
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RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
i have no idea what the shit is going on
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
Is it not obvious? The C4 monster exploded over everyone!
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
The waiter straightens his tie. His job had just got a lot easier, at least the serving drinks and food part. He lifts his tray and goes about his business serving hors d'oeuvres

Also

Shank: Granolaman

Didn't he say he wanted to die?
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
It's true, and apparently tempting modkill by not posting all of yesterday isn't enough to kill me either.

I've also failed to die from embarassment (see: singing talents)

Guys I'm running out of ideas here, the only good news is that I'm apparently also running out of nerve endings so my excruciating pain's numbed down a little (though it's still absolutely terrible I assure you)

Shank: Granola May one of these attempts finally bring me peace
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
SHANK: Granolaman

We must all do our part in assisting our friends. As long as that assistance involves shanking. I believe that's how it works.
RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
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RE: Shank A Bitch 3 Day Five: Rest In Pisces (19/71 Alive)
Well, that night was eventful!

Shank Granola
[Image: 76561197978639938.png]