Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)

Spoilers obviously for Doctor Who and Torchwood.  For Doctor Who, it's mostly spoilers for 12th and 13th doctor era.

Content warnings

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SpoilerDeath.  Let me know if I should add more!

I'm mostly just going to be copy and pasting my reviews from discord here


Here's a basic timeline of Doctor Who as a show.

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Spoiler

Doctor Who:  12th doctor, 3rd season episode 1

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Spoilerin the latest doctor who it is season premier
doctor who has gotten tenure at cambridge or whatever so he's been teaching there for like 70 years or so
now it's the future, 2017, and he notices the next companion is attending his lectures even though she's not a student
but he's a professor now so he's not allowed to go on adventures, but he does anyway
so the new companion is gay and she has a gay crush on a local girl who's pretty
the local girl is depressed though and has found a puddle
the puddle's an alien and it eats her

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??04/19/2017
I wish I could find a puddle
is it the absorbaloff

Timu04/19/2017
no it's an oil spill from an alien ship
the alien oil spill has the power to be a spaceship
so, i dunno why it's the oil for a spaceship when it can be the spaceship
anyways, since the puddle ate the depressed girl who has a gay crush back on the new companion bill,
the puddle spaceship follows her everywhere and rivals the tardis in how fast it can move and also time travel too

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??04/19/2017
thats the power of gay

Timu04/19/2017
yup
so it follows her everywhere being a scary monster, all, turning into a puddle but also into the form of the girl to be creepy
like, the drowned zombie type of monster
like, hi i'm home mom, oh you're in the shower, okay i'm gonna go to the kitchen oh i'm getting a phone call, hi mom, wait, how ar eyou calling me from phone if you're in shower???? WHO IS PHONE?
it's the oil spill who is gay who is dripping very hard in the bathroom for no reason
doctor i think something scary is happening, there's this girl who is dead and dripping and is repeating everything i say but monotone and creepy and also screams when she attacks, though i dunno why she's attacking me and trying to strangle me when she just is gay
the doctor, after confirming that the puddle can travel through time to chase bill wherever she goes, decides it's a good idea to visit the daleks

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??04/19/2017
sounds like a good idea

Timu04/19/2017
puddle girl transforms into a dalek in order to scare them again and then the doctor is like "well, you have a gun why didn't you use it" and then they realize that it was just love all along
that explains why puddle follows bill everywhere, but not why she acts very scary, up until this point
puddle girl and bill have a gay moment where they hold hands and say goodbye
then she turns into a puddle and seeps away.  then the doctor says lets go on more adventures and then the episode ends
i'm gay now
you're gay now
everyone who watched the episode is gay now
that's the power of putting gay on tv

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??04/19/2017
I'm glad the bbc has finally made everyone gay

Doctor who 12th doctor, 3rd season episode 2

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Spoiler:3
i watched the 2nd doctor who episode
it's called smile
a sequel to 'blink' the infamous weeping angels introduction episode,
smile features a new kind of monster
the weeping angels can't move if they are being looked at
the new monster can't be seen unless it's moving
cause it's a swarm of nanobot bees that attack anyone who is not smiling
(it actually has nothing to do with blink and weeping angels, i just made all that up)

Mirdini04/24/2017
I hear it's actually not bad message-wise for once

Timu04/24/2017
yeah morals stuff go right over my head so idk what you're talking about

Mirdini04/24/2017
fair 'nuff
was it fun to watch

Timu04/24/2017
the nanobots follow an advanced learning algorithm, they are told to help make people happy so they make food and nice houses and stuff
but then a human gets sad because of grief and these robots are new so they're like ? person is sad,  sad is bad, remove sad
all the humans die, except the ones sleeping in cryopods, but some of those guys wake up and hear about the dead people and want revenge with laser guns
despite the doctor saying pretty much, laser guns aren't going to work on account of the enemy being a swarm of nanobot bees
who attack anyone who is not smiling
humans: sounds like we should get angry and use laser guns
then the doctor hacks the robots and turns them into robot nanobee landlords
who live in a peaceful synergetic union with the humans
mirdini what was the moral stuff

Mirdini04/24/2017
idk if it's on-point but ironicus generally is so vOv
https://twitter.com/Gen_Ironicus/status/...7319700480
(the tweet says: "Tonight's Doctor Who was about destroying an exploitative structure, liberating an enslaved people, and protecting indigenous rights. :thumbsup:")
https://twitter.com/Gen_Ironicus/status/...4960479232
(this tweet says: "In Planet of the Ood the Doctor apologizes for mentioning capitalist wage slavery.  In Smile he claims a moral imperative to blow unjust thigns up regardless of the law"

Timu04/24/2017
the first two are maybe a stretch but the protecting indigenous rights i can see

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??04/24/2017
I think we should just shoot the bees with laser guns tbh

Timu04/24/2017
also did the doctor really claim a moral imperative to blow unjust stuff up regardless of the law?
i got the impression more like "this place is very dangerous and some unsuspecting people will die in there if i don't blow it up, so i will blow it up"

Mirdini04/24/2017
vOv
I didn't watch the episode, just sharing the take I saw

doctor who 12th doctor 3rd season episode 3

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Spoileryesss
so in this episode the doctor and bill visit the thames 1814 the last great frost faire
the river is frozen so people throw a party on it, but there's a big ass fish under the water that eats people sneakily
the big fish is a native earth species, the you know, the one thats like a mile long, shits bricks of rocket fuel and eats people and has little lantern fish that melt ice and refreeze ice so people can fall through but the hole dissappears
it lives in the arctic but a rich white supremist has imprisoned it in the thames so it can eat peopel and shit rocket fuel
the doctor beats him up and saves the fish the end
also there's themes of anti-racism, 'what good is an empire that's built on the suffering of people'
like the metaphors didn't go over my head this time
like if your empire gets strong by having rocket fuel, but the rocket fuel is made out of dead people, that's bad
similarly, if your empire gets strong by the opression of weak people then that's bad too

Isis04/30/2017
nice

Timu04/30/2017
at first the doctor thought it was an alien who might be like stranded on earth or something who is making rocket fuel to escape but was super upset when it turned out to be a human

12th doctor: season 3 episode 4

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Spoilerso the latest doctor who episode takes place on earthy
6 kids rent out a new house to live in
it's a big house that's very old, has shitty wifi, utilities, etc and all the wood is super super creepy
i mean creaky
creepy too
the landlord is a creepy old man
and the tenants are getting eaten one by one
guess what the monster is???

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/06/2017
a big slug

Timu05/06/2017
that's
really close to be honest
it is a bug, but lots and lots and lots of bugs, they are basically big pill bugs with glowy bits. big as in, mouse-sized
wood lice who live in the walls/are the walls because of their alien biological abilities to manipulate matter on a cellular level
so the people get eaten by the walls/the bugs and are turned into the walls/more bugs

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/06/2017
nice

Timu05/06/2017
and also the walls shift and doors turn into walls and windows slam shut by themselves and it's all very creaky etc
hidden in the house is this lady ( /she is the house) who is made out of wood, she's been preserved as a tree person for 70 years, kept alive by the landlord feeding her/thehouse people
the landlord is her young son, who is now an old creepy landlord because it's been 70 years and people age when they aren't made out of wood
upon realizing the horrible truth about what her son's been feeding her, the tree lady turns herself/the house back into people again
it all just falls apart into a big pile of woodlice and people
presumably the woodlice go back to how they were before someone tamed them with the power of music (which was how the landlord controlled them), which is living in trees/being trees

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/06/2017
this is all very complicated
but those sound like cool bugs

Timu05/06/2017
yes
so lets see
episode one had a puddle of spaceship engine oil which had the power to turn people into spaceships
episode two had little nanobots that turned people into fertilizer
episode 3 had a big fish that ate people and turned them into rocket fuel poop
episode 4 had bugs that turned people into houses

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/06/2017
this will all be brought together in the finale where they have to turn various people into spaceships, fertilizer, rocket fuel, and houses, to defeat the daleks

Timu05/06/2017
yes yes :3

12th doctor s3 e5

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Spoileri watched the next episode of doctor who
in this episode the doctor and bill and nardole (the bald funny one) go to a space station
in the future
the moral of this story is capitalism is bad
in this space station you have to wear these special suits
they provide oxygen and are the only source of oxygen. but they provide it for a price
if you aren't a good enough worker, they kill you off by deactivating your central nervous system and then the suits can autopilot since they are robotic suits
so you have these dead zombie people except they're not zombies, they're just robots that happen to have dead people in them
so basically if you don't provide enough profit then you die
the doctor fixes this by hacking the system so that human lives are now not worth 0 credits
also in the process a ton of people die and it's very scary

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/14/2017
why do they even have any people if the robots are good enough to do their jobs

Granola05/14/2017
"Dead people in walking spacesuits were in that one popular episode let's do it again to see if it's still popular"

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/14/2017
dead people in walking spacesuits is a good concept

Timu05/14/2017
cause the robots aren't smart enough to solve basic problems
except they are cause of learning algorithms
i guess basically the value of human pilots decreases over time as the AIs get smarter

12th dr, s3 e6

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Spoileri'll make it quick
the latest doctor who episode the doctor finds out that the whole world and himself and everyone he knows is just a simulation
a big realistic simulation run by aliens
the aliens are creepy zombie looking guys
fortunately the simulation is so good that simulation sonic screwdriver works just as well as the real one, so simulationdoctor sends an email to realdoctor warning him about these aliens
the end

dr12, s3, e7

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Spoilerdr who
hii
previous on dr whogioh
some spooky zombie-looking creepy aliens wearing monk costumes are running simulations to determine how best to conquer the earth

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/27/2017
good idea

Timu05/27/2017
but the simulation is so good, that the simulated doctor is able to send an email to the real doctor warning him of their plot

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/27/2017
oops

Timu05/27/2017
now it's the next episode, and the real doctor has read this email but turns out none of that matters at all
the aliens plop their giant ass pyramid ship down in asia somewhere, right in between the russian, chinese and american armies
the doctor, having read the email, recognizes them when they step out of the pyramid since they're creepy zombielookiung aliens wearing monk costumes "oh you guys are the ones running the simulation i was emailed about" , they aliens are like hey, come inside our ship, we wanna show you our simulation machine
which we would have showed you whether or not you knew we ran simulations
since we run all these simulations, we know that the world is about to end in like, half an hour. if you agree to let us rule you, we will save you
the generals of the armies there are like okay uh,,, how about we call off world war three which was presumably about to start here, and then we won't need your help. but the simulations still indicate the end of the world! so it's not world war 3 that ends the world its something out
the doctor does some hacking and determines some laboratory in the uk accidentally made a biohazardous bacteria that will fuck everyone up a lot, so he takes the tardis there but still fucks up and is unable to prevent the outbreak
so the humans are forced to consent to the alien conquering DUN DUN DUNNN
end of episode (it's a three parter) (this was end of part 2)

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??05/27/2017
and then as a result of consenting the world ends, because they were still in a simulation, and because the aliens wont hey turned the simulation off, so it ends

Timu05/27/2017
i hope our new alien overlords are nice and care about us
oh so
i bet like you said it's still a simulation
so part 2 is what i just described of course, cause that episode aired
and part 3 is the aliens' going like OKay simulation success, let's do it for real now, and then it's just a replay of part 2

12th dr, s3, ep8

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Spoilerpreviously on doctor who, an alien race of creepy zombie people offered to save the planet as long as the human agree that they want their help
the aliens use that power to create a psychic link, which was then broadcast throughout the world to everyone, allowing the aliens to create a false history that everyone believes in, in which the aliens are humanities friends and have always helped them
even the doctor seems to be working with them! the companion is the only one who knows the truth for they are the one who asked for help in the first place. after a strange rescue mission that's narrated, weirdly, like "and so we found a boat that could lead us into the place" .;...... narration like that does not happen very often in doctor who it felt very out of place
bill is like doctor i have found you in the alien office building, i'm here to rescue you since obviously you're just forced to work with them right?
doctor says, no, i am truly working with the aliens, and you're dumb and you should feel bad and cry
bill is like boohoo hoo emotional scene where all hope seems lost
doctor says just joking! hahahaa!! every except bill is laughing! You were pranked! it was all a test to make sure you didn't believe in the false history
this whole thing was completely unneccesary!

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??06/03/2017
sounds cool and like a good time and not a shitty thing to do

Timu06/03/2017
then they go to the alien ship and have a psychic mind battle with the alien transmitter
now all the humans realize the truth! and even though the aliens still have incredible technology that reduces all human weapons harmless, and can also shoot lightning out of their hands (just like the zygons and the silents and every other doctor who monster ever)
the aliens run away! world is saved

bill wins the psychic mind battle by thinking about her mom, which, you would think would have like replaced everyone's idea of human history with "who the heck is this woman and why is she my mom now"

or maybe like "throughout human history the aliens have been helping and guiding us through all the historical events.... wait whoop that's being over written... it was actually this mom who did all those things!"

dr12 s3 e9

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Spoilerso
the doctor goes to nasa, the nasa building is seen in a 3 second cgi sweeping aerial shot
that's not important i just thought it was silly
how it was cgi'
and i could tell it was cgi
anyways the mars nasa thing uses a new camera to see under the ice cap and finds someone wrote out in rocks GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
the doctor is like ooo interesting and so he goes to mars in 1811 which was when it was written
there is the Ice Warrior (just one, last of his kind, the native martian alien) and a bunch of british people
the british people found the ice warrior in south africa
and the ice warrior was taking a 5000 year nap and then they woke him up and helped him fix his spaceship and so they went to mars
and the british people are like tada we claim mars for the british empire
direct quote time:
doctor: the ice warriors are the indigineous species, you don't belong here
britsh villain: of course we do, we're british
so the british people are diggging and uncover the Ice Queen sleeping on a bed for 5000 years
the doctor is like don't touch it that's a bad idea it's a bad idea!
and one british guy is like but it has jewels on the side i will touch it
and so he dies and the ice queen wakes up and is like hi i'm the ice queen suprise the ice warriors are a matriarchal society

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??06/17/2017
sounds legit

Timu06/17/2017
then the british villain is like "i'm too prideful to work together with the ice queen, i will start a conflict cause i'm an asshole!"
and then his superior officer who is a decent guy is like "no don't"
and then british villain is like i'm assuming command! i'm doing amutiny because i'm an asshole and also going to start a war with the ice warriors because i'm too prideful to understand that the ice warriors can walk the floor with us with their superior technology
that i have already witnessed turn my underlings into little balls of trash
their guns are shoot blasts that turn people into trashcompacter cubes
this already happened to the guy who touched the bed but hey fortunately i have a knife and i managed to sneak to the ice queen and put it to her throat which will work in taking her hostage
then the original british leader is like you're evil! i will shoot you and british villain dies
and ice queen is like i see, so not all humans are assholes, let's be friends
the end happy ending they have a reference to an old 3rd doctor character who was a space alien diplomat who comes and helps the ice people join star trek alliance thing
star fleet i think it was called

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??06/17/2017
dr who actually invented strar trek

Timu06/17/2017
yes
so that was actually last weeks episode which we skipped since i was on vacation
now i will watch the next episode that aired today

12th dr , s3, e10

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Spoiler
remember when the roman 9th legion invaded scotland
but they all died because of an alien from another dimension destroyed them all?
a dimension full of more monsters that can eat light, and if allowed to escape would consume all the stars in the universe?

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??06/17/2017
yeah

Timu06/17/2017
but were fought back by the survivors of the 9th legion and the survivors of the scottish villagers and finally sealed away forever by the power of teamwork?
this episode was about how that happened

12th dr, s3, ep11

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Spoilerin the latest doctor who, Doctor nardole bill and The Master travel to an enormous colony ship, 400 miles long
which is currently doing its best to escape from a black hole
it's not really escaping but at least it's not being sucked in
they land at the top of the spaceship, which is closest to the black hole. there they meet the last surviving member of the crew.... when the spaceship got almost sucked into the black hole, they sent most of the crew to the bottom of the ship in order to turn on the engines and escape the gravity....... but they never came back..... and now all of a sudden thousands of life forms have been appearing at the bottom despite no aliens have boarded (except doctor tardis)
and these mysterious monsters come up the elevator and capture bill!
the monsters are creepy patients who are fully bandaged and such
the doctor realizes that the black hole is doing time distortion #relativityphysics
the thousands of life forms are the descendants of the crew that went to the bottom of the ship all those hours ago
in the ten minutes doctor takes doing a physic lecture, bill has spent the last several years hanging out in this creepy hospital at the bottom
she's been adopted by an old russian guy, and they're both janitors
since the bottom of the ship is running out of resources, they're converting people into.... CYBERMEN....!!!!!!!!!
and then the old russian guy who tells jokes and we like a lot...... pulls off his mask and reveals he's.... A PAST INCARNATION OF THE MASTER!!!!!!!!!!
and bill is converted into a CYBERMAN!!! the original cybermen from old doctor who. this is their origin story.
dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??06/26/2017
gasp

Timu06/26/2017
but heyyyy this did relativity
the master in disguise was a real fun character
they're watching the doctor do his physics lecture for 10 minutes
but for them it's taking years
"he's been raising that eyebrow for the past 6 months"
"don't change the channel" "why would i this is Soooooooo exciting"
"look he's being sarcastic to the random surviving crew guy" "classic doctor"

dr 12, s3, e12 (season finale)

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Spoilerpreviously on dr who
bill has been turned into a cyberman
two masters are here
dun dun dun
now this episode uhhh
the doctor hacks the army of cybermen so that they turn on their masters
so they all have to escape to floor 500, where some farmer people live
bill has retained her sentience but is not too thrilled about being a cyberman
2 weeks they spend there, and meanwhile the cybermen downstairs have like thousands of years to upgrade further and further
uhhh fortunately nardole is good at hacking so he invents a weapon that can defeat the cybermen (explosions)
the doctor was injured so he's about to regenerate anyway so he blows himself up and all the cybermen in order to let the farmers and nardole escape..... to floor 510 where they can live out the rest of their lives
bill dies
the masters kill each other but older master escapes so he can regenerate
latest master is fate unkown
then.....
guess what happens next <3 ?

Pharmacy07/03/2017
Tell us oh wise one

Timu07/03/2017
remember gay puddle?
gay puddle girl from the first episode 12 weeks ago?

first episode: bill has a mutual crush on this pretty girl, who gets eaten by a puddle of high tech alien space ship engine oil
now she's a gay puddle with superpowers but she flew away
now she's back, and she turns bill who is basically about to be dead at this point into a normal human not a cyberman, and then turns her into a gay puddle too
now they fly through space being gay puddles together its very sweet
also the doctor is going to regenerate..... NEXT TIME ON DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

12th doctor, season 3, christmas special, final episode

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Spoileri have to yell at you about doctor who

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??01/01/2018
who’s that

Timu01/01/2018
so previously on doctor who
#12 and #1 are both dying and procrastinating on their regenerations

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??01/01/2018
oh yeah that episode was real bad

Timu01/01/2018
oh you watched it
so
moffat as his last farewell
makes some Bullshitt
where humans use time travel to copy everyone's memories just before they die, throughout all time
it's dumb
basically nothing matters going forward

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??01/01/2018
the whole episode was 45 minutes of literally nothing happening

Timu01/01/2018
also more awkward cameos of moffats previous companions

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??01/01/2018
your last episode as lead writer is not a good time to remind me that clara existed

Timu01/01/2018
its just a bad episode and nothing you can really make fun of
it isn't silly enough

It's the 13th doctor era! Featuring the first female regeneration of the doctor, and her companions: Ryan, Jas, and Gramps. Gramps is Ryan's grandpa, and jas is ryan's friend from high school. Their professions: Ryan: millenial, Jas: traffic cop, Gramps: old person

13th doctor, s1 e1

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SpoilerDoctor who spoilers time!!!!!!
in this episode a the doctor & friends fight a guy

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??10/07/2018
oh fuck

Timu10/07/2018
hiii :3
did you see the episode? if not do you want me to tell you my version of it :3 or do you planning to watch it and want no spoils

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??10/07/2018
I'm not going to watch it, I don't have a tv license

Timu10/07/2018
ok :3
so the new doctor has just been regenerated
she crashes through the roof of a train at the same time as an alien crashing through the front of the train
very convenient
the alien is a big ball of wriggly squirming power lines and stuff
it goes zappy zappy and it gives everyone a static shock before flying away
meanwhile a guy finds a big egg in the middle of the woods
and calls the cops, and the cop happens to be a friend from high school
and his grandparents happen to be on the train that is getting zappy zapped
the egg hatches!! it's a guy with a bunch of human teeth glued to his face!!!!!
and he has the power to freeze people's faces off, but we never actually see that
he kills a homeless guy, a security guard, and some rando who is trying to find aliens
turns out the alien government randomly selects a human every couple of decades and his challenge is to go trophy hunting to find that human
except he cheated because he's not allowed to use tools, except he is using a squirmy electric eel wires power cord colony to track down the alien and also to place bombs
*track down the human
he eats all the electric eels so that he can absorb the knowledge of where the specific human is, but because the doctor built her own sonic screwdriver out of random parts in a garage, he also eats the bombs and kills himself
the moral of the story is that you shouldn't cheat at hunting games

s13, s1 e2:

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Spoilerin this episode, the doctor fights ribbons
during the day they're just scraps of cloth
but at night they come to life and fly around
they will wrap around your face and choke you, but only when it's alone and can easily be overpowered by a second person with a pocket knife
but, if there's a group of them, like, a ton of them, far too many to fight off, they will instead just swirl around menacingly and trash talk you
also featured in this episode
androids with laser guns that are completely incapable of landing a single shot
fun fact: these robots are called SniperBots
https://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/SniperBot

dr13 s1 e3
apparently i skipped this episode. Anyway, I'll just make a review right now based on what i remember from it, even though i haven't seen it in 2 years.

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SpoilerA white supremist from the future has come to prevent Rosa Parks' refusal to move on the bus! His plan is to make modern times racist again. Ryan teleports him into the sun or something, thus allowing history to go the way it's supposed to. Good.

dr13, s1 e4

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Spoilern todays episode of Dr who
a conspiracy is confirmed
Trump builds landfills under his hotel to make more money
and due to skipping proper disposal safety procedures, toxic waste + radioactive spiders = giant spiders attack uk
the issue kinda resolves itself I guess
apparently when they get to Car-Size they collapse under own weight
and Trump gets away with it
the end
(it's not actually Trump it is fictional trumplike person)

dr13 s1 e5

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SpoilerDr + friends visit a junkyard planet for some reason and get blown up by a mine! a space ambulance comes and saves them but they get attacked by a baby that eats spaceships
unfortunately the spaceship sucks so if anything wrong happens, it self destructs.... the doctor feeds the baby the bomb and they all survive
not really that much to say about this episode
one of the other alien patient's species is a Regular Humans, Except With Mpreg , that's neat I guess,

the captain dies accidentally because the baby ate vital electrical components and he blows up

and a pilot has a heart attack after piloting them all to safety

Overall summary:
Villain: hungry hungry space baby who just wants a snack
Death Toll: 2 out of 10 people
Birth Rate: 1
Overall Mortality Rate: 10%
Morals of the Story:
1. Design your ships with a "Phone Call" button (so you can ask for help) and not just a "Self Destruct" button, it might work out better
Overal Rating: Baby/10

dr 13 s1 e6

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Spoilerit's a historical episode.... the kind where dr & friends go back in time and just watch a history thing happen and kinda get involved
and of course there's also an aliens ......... but this time...
the aliens are also!!! just time travelers who are just hanging out watching history unfold
It's the partition of india and pakistan
in which a lot of violence and such happened......
a murder!!! Aliens! did you do the murder?
No, the humans did this to each other
yikes this is worse than if aliens just did the bad things
Villain: alien assassins- wait plot twist, it's just alien tourists, the real villain was the humans we met along the way
Death Toll: 200k to 2million
Birth Rate: 0
Morals: Racism is bad :( :( :(
other moral: if you're friendly alien, don't say creepy cryptic stuff like "YOU WILL ALL DIE" and more like friendly stuff like "Hey we're time travelers and we're building a memorial for the lives sadly lost in these troubling times"
Overall Rating: Somber/10, I like comedy/action episodes better but this was still apretty good story i guess

dr13 s1 e7

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SpoilerThis is the kind of episode i like: goofy plots, sci-fi shit, good old dr who mystery stuff
the funny stuff
In this episode, the doctor receives a mail from an amazon delivery android drone (it's the future so it's space amazon)
the mail though... got a packing slip that cryptically reads "HELP ME" ... looks like it's time to infilitrate Space Amazon Shipping Warehouse!
people are mysteriously going missing.... make sure you don't wander the dark parts of the warehouse alone.... the robots are always watching, always listening, and when you're alone........
Featuring: Lovable employee, who is a dad with a loving daughter and is very nice. he dies right away
featuring Human Resources Manager! The silly lady who is nice and maybe is secretly evil???!?!?!
featuring pretty girl, who says stuff like "oh my gosh that is the first compliment i have ever received in my life" and "i've only received one gift, but it was very nice so i feel happy that my work delivers gifts to families on christmas" and like meetcute stuff, the janitor is a cute boy but we're both shy and obviously like each other but we're too shy to do anything about it,
featuring: The Head In-Charge Top Boss, who is rude and mean to pretty girl and other employees and is DEFINITELY evil and up to something. His name is Jethro McEvilName
(his name is Slade)
featuring: the cute janitor boy, who joins in with the gang to solve the mystery of the mysterious disappearances, the robots attacking people, the HELP ME packing slip, and the frequent power outages that keep happening.......
featuring: a conveyor belt action scene, with lasers and smoke effects and speed lines because the conveyors go fast, they are meant for packages not people but the people go on them anyway!!!!! Rude! stay out of the basement!!!!!!

Digimon Wife Solaris ??11/22/2018
i cant believe dr who is so woke

Timu11/22/2018
like hell yeah watch this damn episode @Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? this is the good shit
classic stuff
solaris get jacquerel to watch it
i'm not even going to spoil the ending for you in which the doctor dies and regenerates back into the eleventh doctor, because i really think you'd enjoy this episode that much
Overall Rating:
Villain: jeff bezos
Deaths: eleven, doctor, and lovable employee dad who is nice and tragically dies, and nine other people offscreen probably
Births: eleventh doctor is back, clara too
Overall Death Rate: 11%
Overal Rating: 11/10

dr13 s1 e8

Show

Spoiler
in the latest doctor who episode, they fight mud
They travel back in time to the witch trials of long ago.... weird thing is happening to the mud...
is it witchcraft or is it aliens? ?? ?? ?????????????????????????
spoilers: it's aliens
witches aren't real
but cgi mud tendrils and zombies filled with mud are real
Villain: a blob of mud with a face
Death Toll: like, some people but more importantly ALL the horses died
Birth Rate: 0
Mortality Rate: Budget cuts mean no horses
Moral of the story: if you are scared of someone don't murder them
Overall Rating: Muddy/10

dr13, s1 e9

Show

Spoilerin this episode, Dr who goes to norway
this was a pretty neat episode I think
theres a cabin in the woods........ and a monster in the forest making scary noises eek so frighten
Villain: killer moths
piranha moths that can skeletonize a goblin in a matter of seconds

Pharmacy12/07/2018
of course, moths can do it

Timu12/07/2018
deaths: 1 goblin
resurrections: 2
overall death rate: -1
moral of the story: it's okay to feel grief and miss a loved one who you lost, but it's also important to let go and not destroy yourself over it

Pharmacy12/07/2018
also moths are not to be trusted

Timu12/07/2018
Rating: Homestuck/10

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??12/07/2018
that poor goblin

Timu12/07/2018
moths can only feel hate
I'll type up more detailed when get home

Pharmacy12/07/2018
I can't wait

Timu12/08/2018
hi i'm back from my sister's house

Pharmacy12/08/2018
hi

Timu12/08/2018
so so
you know the trope of like in fiction, where if you create a time paradox, a time demon will come and attack you or something
usually you just like, fade from existence or words on a newspaper will change
but sometimes a rip in the fabric of reality will open and some gargoyles or something will come out and stuff
like, what
anyways this time instead of time gargoyles like that one episode back in season one of doctor who, The Laws of Physics instead create a cave filled with moths and a goblin who likes making balloons and has two knives
because back before the big bang, there was the concepts of Math and Physics and Social Studies and stuff but, there was also the Concept of Homestuck
Math, Physics and Social Studies hated homestuck
they were all like, we want to make a universe with coherent laws that govern reality, but homestuck just, really doesn't work out. contradicts with the logic or something
so Physical Education said, well, why don't we just put Homestuck in its own universe where he doesn't mess up our universe
"Great Idea!" said Study Hall, "but what if Homestuck tries to come back?"
Geology said, "Well, how about we make a third dimension, like, a cave, to sit between us and Homestuck, as sort of like a barrier to keep Homestuck out."
Biology added to the idea, "And I'll fill it with killer moths too! That way if some foolish mortals try to go through, they'll get eaten!"
Anthropology finished the idea with "Let's put gollum in from lord of the rings, just because why not. I mean we did gargoyles and time wraiths, we can do anything and it will make sense."
And so the plan to exile Homestuck was complete.
fast forward to 2018:
Homestuck has been sitting all alone in the Homestuck Dimension for like 13.8 billion years and was crying and crying some more and so so lonely. Homestuck just wanted to have some friends. So what if it didn't work well with the other Laws of Reality? Boohoohoo. Maybe, just, one friend? Is that okay?
Homestuck does the magic and makes a mirror turn into a portal, through which Chris Hemsworth (famous actor, best known for playing the jock in Cabin in the Woods and the huntsman from Snow White and the Huntsman), travels through the killer moth cave unscathed...
Gasp! Chris Hemsworth finds himself in Heaven! His dead wife is there! What a nice place. It's pretty nice. But his daughter is back home. uuu uu................. an Idea!! Because I'm such a good dad, and my daughter is blind, I'll trick her into staying put while I visit my dead wife. I'll just set up this speaker system to make it sound like there's a monster in the woods, and i'll be on my way. It's gonna be fine since my daughter is a teenager and can take care of herself probably."

Akumu12/08/2018
excuse me

Timu12/08/2018
So the doctor & friends come, visit heaven, find chris hemsworth, other dead characters are alive here too, but how is this possible? It's just straight up impossible that dead people can come back to life
hi hi akumu :3

Akumu12/08/2018
everything was fine and made sense until "i'll fake a monster in the woods with a speaker system"

Timu12/08/2018
But akumu he's a good father
how else is he gonna make sure she doesn't run off unsupervised

Pharmacy12/08/2018
haha

Timu12/08/2018
anyway, it's super outlandish and like, really mindboggling to see these dead people, despite about 70% of the the past doctor who season finales involving some alien doing the alien stuff to bring people back to life
and this time it's because they aren't really back alive again, it's just Homestuck, playing with your feelings by creating imitations of your loved ones to trick you into staying, because homestuck is lonely
unfortunately, with Doctor Who, and Chris Hemsworth, and four other Regular Humans, there, they brought along a little bit too much reality.
For every bit of matter in the universe contains some amount of Quantum Physics, History, and Home Economics, etc,
so they're in Homestuck dimension now and they're like OOHHHHHH SHIT IT"S HOMESTUCK OHHH YOU SMELL SO BADDDD AAUAUUGHGHGHGHGHG
uh oh!! Dimension is collapsing!!!!!! But Homestuck never meant any harm.... was just so lonely. Doctor is like, Humans!!!! I know it's tempting to stay here with your loved ones, but as Timu said two pages ago, the moral of the story is that "t's okay to feel grief and miss a loved one who you lost, but it's also important to let go and not destroy yourself over it"
so let go of your loved ones, they're not real anyway, so you got to let go and not get literally destroyed physically by the dimension collapsing, go now
and the humans are like, awww fine.
and doctor says to Homestuck, and this applies to you too, because that's the overarching theme of this story, YOU, Homestuck, YOU must ALSO let go of your feelings for the Laws of Reality. You have to let them go because if you don't you will be destroyed too
and Homestuck is like awwwww that's too bad, also my true form is a frog, and timu's sister was like "oh frogs were universe in homestuck, is this a trope or something" and that's why timu has been calling me homestuck this whole time, goodbye doctor i love you
doctor who: i love you too frog universe goodbye
and they run away and the killer moths are like: Grrr we're still here, remember us!!!!! We're coming for you!! better run away!!!!
and they escape, the end.

Akumu12/08/2018
why are frogs not compatible with the laws of reality

Timu12/08/2018
well, have you seen Homestuck taught in schools?
i didn't think so.

dr13 s1 episode 10 (season finale)

Show

SpoilerPREVIOUSLY ON DOCTOR WHO:
episode 1 of this series:
I am THE TOOTH FAIRY, i am an evil alien from the civilization of Tooth Fairies who has come to this planet to hunt for sport..........
dcotor: no stop, i'm going to do the science and cause your tech to backfire on you, causing you to be teleported back him and also hurt reallllllll badly
human grandma: oh no i died in collateral damage
episode 2 of this series: we are on scary planet!!!! featuring robots named Sniperbots who have the absolute atrocious aim! Ribbons that trash talk you! who made all these scary things???? The tooth fairy civilization!
and now, for....... episode 10 or whatever of this series!!!!!
We are two aliens! we have the power to do like, anything with the power of our minds! We are religious and have been waiting for The Creator
Tooth Fairy: hi, i just got teleported here. I'm your Creator.
Aliens: We believe yoU! What would you like us to do, creator?
tooth fairy: Can you shrink down these planets, teleport them here, and put them in eggs?
alien: consider it done
other aliens whose planets just got destroyed: yo that's not cool, we're going to your planet to stop you
tooth fairy: oop we're under attack, can you two beat up these guys for me
alien: yeah okay, but, we're feeling more and more guilty about this, but, whatever you say boss!
other aliens: ooo OOOOooOOooo these sniper robots that they made are really bad at aiming but we're still getting our butt kicked, distress signal
doctor: did someone say distress signal??? we're here now!!!!!
human grandad: omg it's tooth fairy, you killed my wife
doctor: don't do revenge!
grandad: i'm gonna do the revenge!

Pharmacy12/23/2018
tooth fairies are yautja

Timu12/23/2018
doctor: no don't
grandad: i'm gonna do it!!!! oo boy i'm gonna do it!
tooth fairy: aliens! it's time to shrink one more planet, this one is gonna be EARTH!
aliens: sigh, fine, whatever you say....
doctor: no don't do that, he's not actually a god
aliens: oh, okay, we will not shrink earth then.
eggs containing planets: we're hatching, and one we hatch that's like five planets that are gonna suddenly pop up real close to each other
doctor: let's stop this using lots of science
eggs: yay we're back to where we originally were and no one died
tooth fairy: grrr you ruined my plans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but at least i can still harvest your teeth with my bare hands!
grandad: i have a gun
tooth fairy: uh oh
grandad: i'm gonna do the revenge
tooth fairy: oooooooo no
grandad: actually no, i'm just gonna put you in jail for the rest of eternity
doctor: good work, you didn't do the revenge!
tooth fairy: curse you doctor! i would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you rotten kids and your stupid dog too
other aliens: thanks for saving our planets and also us!
aliens: thanks for teaching us that god isn't real, but the real god was the friends we made along the way. specifically us two. cause we have godlike powers. we shrunk like five planets and teleported them across the universe into eggs. the real god was inside us all along

Pharmacy12/23/2018
katamari damacy

Timu12/23/2018
Villain: tooth fairy
deaths: 0
eggs hatched: five
overall death rate: -5 planets

miauw12/23/2018
isnt shrinking planets and teleporting them across the universe into eggs basically homestuck

Timu12/23/2018
moral of the story: don't blindly trust people that are your leaders. if they tell you to do a bad thing, maybe they shouldn't be leader.
Overall Rating: Egg/10
evertyhing is homestuck. homestuck did every tvtrope, so now everything is a homestuck reference

dr 13, season 1, episode 11 (new years special)

Show

Spoilerpicks up and shakes the fuck @Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? and @Digimon Wife Solaris ??
GUESS WHO WATCHED THE doctor who new years special A MONTH LATE
ME.
and
featuring guest star:
Whimbrel!!!!!!!!
@Whimbrel
okay
so 1200 years ago, a Dalek came to earth
like, a super dalek with special superpowers. more superpowers than normal daleks. this is because this dalek is a scout dalek.
so it has the power to mind control people who give him a piggyback
and it also has the power to teleport
and make the tardis control panel go sparky sparky malfunctiony
standard stuff that all doctor who villains ever can also do

Digimon Wife Solaris ??02/02/2019
we saw this one but keep going

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
oh i saw this one it was funny

Timu02/02/2019
so 1200 years ago a bunch of losers beat up this dalek with fire and swords and then when they were done they cut it into three pieces and traveled across the world to hide it in secret
making sure to ensure that no one knew about it, and so no one would ever find it, and bring it back together etc
so two of these people did that
and one guy died right away

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
i like that part of the story because it’s completely irrelevant to anything else that happens

Timu02/02/2019
and 1200 years later there is a huge ass book all about this
despite two people who knew making sure to keep it a secret, and the the last person who knew being too dead to tell anyone so, idk
yeah, it's all completely irrelevent anyway
cause once the dalek piece hidden in cheffield comes active, all the other pieces just teleported back to it

Pharmacy02/02/2019
so are they like
doctor who important people
or like just a bunch of weird knight side characters

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
they don’t matter even slightly

Timu02/02/2019
weird knight side characters who show up in a three minute prologue that doesn't matter at all

Pharmacy02/02/2019
what's the point of showing it...

Timu02/02/2019
because everything they do gets immediately undone in minute #4

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
their self appointed task was a complete waste of several generations of time
which is very funny

Timu02/02/2019
and never gets relevent again

Pharmacy02/02/2019
harr

Timu02/02/2019
anyways so this archeologist boy and girl like are digging up this dalek piece, but they first have to confess their love to each other
so that we can feel sympathy for them
the dalek comes back to life and the girl is like... i'm gonna touch it...
and Me, timu, am watching and i say "what, why,,, why YYY would you touch it"

Pharmacy02/02/2019
"going to shove it into my mouth."

Timu02/02/2019
and then we see that she's wearing those like, plastic doctor gloves, so, okay it's okay then.
then she doesn't tell anyone that the dalek has climbed up her shirt, i guess maybe it's already controlling her, but she seems to still be in control at this point

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
“well bury these in three corners of the world so they will never reunite, i will tell my kids and their kids to continue this sacred task of guarding these graves”
<16 generations pass>
<one piece just teleports the other two to it immediately as soon as someone finds it>

Timu02/02/2019
*seems to be in control still
so doctor shows up like "the tardis detected weird dalek teleporting happening!!! where is it"
and she is like "it left"
so either she is just irresponsibly not telling them that she's got a dalek hiding under her shirt because she is embarassed maybe?
or the dalek is in control already and is trying to remain hidden, but yet is surprised later in the episode when the doctor is like "hi i'm the doctor." and the dalek goes "whoa it's the doctor who i am just now meeting for the first time this episode!"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
so when did daleks become puppet masters anyway

Timu02/02/2019
since they joined the boy scouts
it was a scout dalek remember

Whimbrel02/02/2019
it almost feels like they wrote most of the script with an original alien and then were like "ok wait what if it were daleks"
"people would be like oh no how unexpected! if it were daleks"

Timu02/02/2019
anyways so the dalek takes control of her body and forces her to Steal a Police Car, and Go to the Illuminati's Alien Junk Salvage Facility to steal a dalek gun, and then go to a local smithery
and then construct a fully functioning standard dalek salt shaker suit
complete with like, flight, and tank missiles and bulletproof
made out of just, scrap metal. i guess there's some more old dalek junk that it found idk
the girl is freed at this point, and the dalek helpfully drives off to hide in a different room so the protagonists can have a conversation
then the doctor goes to fight the dalek and she's like "i jammed your gun"
dalek: "I unjammed my gun"
doctor "uh oh, it could super kill me now"
dalek: "now that the one advantage you had over me is gone, you are..... spared. see ya later. bye " and it flies off

Whimbrel02/02/2019
with super great cgi
just like "wow that looks computer generated'
so good

Timu02/02/2019
then it goes off and fights some generic soldiers and then shuts down the internet
MEANWHILE: some drama stuff is happening!!! one of the doctor's human friends has a dad who was never really around, but now is back because he made a new years resolution of "try to be less of a bad dad" and also "new job: sell microwaves"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
and there's this scene of people we have absolutely no attachment to
going

Timu02/02/2019
and the family is like "you still suck and we're still mad at you"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
"wow"
"the wifi's out..."
and with a look of dawning horror
"are we going to have to....TALK TO EACH OTHER?!"
and you can hear the script writers going "heh, millenials!"

Timu02/02/2019
oh yeah a brief comedy relief scene of some completely random people who has no relevance
heheh
okay so bad dad joins the team, so now we have Original Cast + two archeologists + bad dad
they go to the wifi building to confront the dalek
they're protected by a shield though!!!!
but they turn off the shield so they can run around the dalek and tape some microwave oven parts to it
see the microwave from bad dad's new job, it turned out to be super important

Whimbrel02/02/2019
hey back in 900 bc they used like
normal fire
just a bunch of sticks on fire
it's really tough metal tho
for serious
did a whole gulliver's travel thing where they netted it down

Timu02/02/2019
the microwave oven works and destroys the dalek tank---- but the dalek ejected and is now puppeting bad dad!!!
so it's hostage situation
the dalek is like "take me to the dalek homeworld" and the doctor is like okay, let's go,
so now the team is Original Cast + two archeologists + bad dalek
the doctor says "i tricked you, i actually took you to the sun. and i'm going to use the vacuum tunnel to pull the dalek right off of bad dad and suck you into the sun"
and the dalek says "no, my grip is too strong, i'm going to take bad dad with me"
and then bad dad's son is like "no dad, i forgive you and i love you"
and bad dad is like "guu willpower!" and the dalek is nooo curses foiled by the power of love!!!
and the dalek dies

Whimbrel02/02/2019
Doctor: "Oh, oops, I threw your dad into the sun. I hope that's ok with you?"

Timu02/02/2019
and then doctor is like "cool! hey good dad, you were the one who came up with the microwave idea and you also almost died. wanna join the team permanently?" and good dad says "no, they aren't paying me for any more episodes in the season. er. i mean, no i uh, gotta sell microwaves or some bullshit reason."
archeologists: "oo- we would like to come wi-"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
"NOT YOU"
also, quick question
we were very curious to know
how an order that consists of two people and their direct descendants
and also some other guy who died
and hang out in the middle of absolutely nowhere
when did they write this huge book?
more to the point
WHY did they write this huge book?
wasn't it a secret?

Timu02/02/2019
tardis flies away
archeologists: "aw."
doctor: "well alright i guess that wraps this up, see yaaaa"

we were joking that one of the ancestors were like "i should write a book in case i die before i have children" and then they went on vacation and then came back and were like "ah crap i left my book in the airport bathroom"

Villain: Boy Scout Dalek. The writers were like, oh, oh fuck oh shit. the years almost over and there hasn't been a single damn dalek in the entire run of doctor who in 2018. quick!!! hurry! put together any bullshit, NOW we gotta get a dalek in NOW NOW HURRY, just a two second cameo like in 2017 would be good enough, hurry before-
the clock hits new years 2019
AHHHHHHHHFHGGHHASADAGGHGHG
dalek bursts in LOOKS LIKE I GOT A WHOLE YEAR TO MAKE UP FOR!!! WHO'S READY FOR ANOTHER SILLY EPISODE FEATURING ME, BOY SCOUT DALEK!!!!

Death Toll: (1) knight guy, (2) police guys, (1) illuminati guys, (1) blacksmith guy, (like fifty) army guys, (1) wifi guy, (1) microwave
Birth Rate: no
overall mortality rate: like, 57
moral of the story: it's okay to touch weird slimy monsters you find in the sewers if you wear disposable nitrile gloves.
overall rating: 2019/10

dr 13, season 2, episode 1 (new years special i think)

Show

SpoilerYO YO YO IT'S TIME FOR DOCTOR WHO SPOILERS
here's spoilers for part 1 of the latest doctor who special, the one that aired jan 1st 2020
the new years doctor who special!!
this year we celebrate the new year by doing a homage to james bond movies
secret agents from all over the world are being killed mysteriously by aliens!!!!
oh noes!!!!!!!  the mi6 approach the doctor & her friends and instead of saying what is going on immediately, instead act super suspicious so that us the audience, think that they are bad guys
then!!!! someone hacks the mi6 car's GPS system, giving the GPS systems brand new capabilities such as firing death lasers and locking the door, steering, and pedals from passenger interference!
this death laser is so powerful that when it hits someone, their entire body turns to ash!
it must be super powerful!  Good thing whoever hacked the system has very poor aim and is only able to hit the mi6 driver, who is not important, and none of the other passengers!    also fortunately, an ordinary rearview mirror is capable of reflecting this super powerful death laser, thus allowing the gps to blow itself up, instantly relinquishing control back to the doctor.
they drive the rest of the way to mi6'
's home base where they meet stephen fry, reprising his role from the sherlock holmes movie as mycroft holmes, his brother who works in the mi6 or whatever

andrea01/08/2020
how the fuck does a gps fire lasers

Nottles01/08/2020
very carefully

Timu01/08/2020
he helpfully informs the doctor that the mi6 is not the enemy they just wanted help from the doctor.  the aliens are attacking all secret agents who are investigating uhhh
<picture of google search result for google CEO who is Sundar Pichai>
the doctor who universe equivilent of this guy!
so sundar pichai is the boss of VORE, which is the doctor who universe equivilent of google
VORE is an incredibly powerful company
they have the best search engine in the world

andrea01/08/2020
are they seriously called VORE

Timu01/08/2020
people are constantly VORING things on the internet to learn more about them
(they're called VOR.  but i don't care)

spooKíeros01/08/2020
So basically Doctor Whomst needs to get rid of all vore got it.

Timu01/08/2020
anyway, after stephen fry is done with his little exposition, a death laser comes through the window and kills stephen fry!  oh no!!!
after giving doctor who and her friends like, ten seconds so that they have the time to realize that they are under attack, the shooter resumes firing a barrage of lasers that miss every shot!!!

Nottles01/08/2020
stephen: fried

Timu01/08/2020
nice
doctor & company escape with a bunch of james bond movie gadgets and run away!
uh oh!  it's the aliens!  they are like, coming out of the walls!  and they're humanoid, but they look like whatever they came out of
oh it just occurs to me
that i VORED sundar pichai a couple of minutes ago
i'm sorry everyone.

here my explanation wasn't very good so i just did that to better illustrate it
anyway whatever these things are, they are capable of getting into the TARDIS!  which is known for being 100% impenetrable!  it's unthinkable!  how is it possible that an alien managed to get inside?  these aliens must be super duper powerful!  yikes!  how scary!  now we know how powerful and scary these aliens are, since they can get into the TARDIS, the invincible time machine that has never been broken into before, ever, except like, twenty other times over the past ten years
fortunately they fly away before the alien can fully get inside!
they split the party!  the two 20 year olds will go as undercover spies to spy on sundar pichai, using all the spy gadgets they got!  they discover that he is working with the aliens
there we go

that's the best picture i could find of it
they ran out of budget so that cool texture effect lasts like one second after they come out of the wall

Whimbrel01/08/2020
aw dang my budget

Timu01/08/2020
anyway, after downloading sundar pichai's entire computer, they get attacked by aliens
one of our heroes escapes but the other one gets obliterated by the aliens!  but luckily turn out she was just teleported into a mysterious room with mysterious pillars everywhere....
meanwhile...........................................................
Doctor who and Grandpa have gone to visit Single O
it's like double o seven, but, there's only one o and that's it

Whimbrel01/08/2020
Doctor Ooooooo

Timu01/08/2020
(by the way, stephen fry was C.  basically the character Q from james bond)
0 is a secret agent who was fired from the mi6 because everyone thought he was crazy for believing in aliens
despite how like, 10 years ago doctor who decided 'fuck it' to all the alien stuff being secret and made it like, public knowledge

Whimbrel01/08/2020
and there was a whole government agency dedicated to alien stuff

Timu01/08/2020
about time, earth gets attacked like, every tuesday.  it took the moon blowing up for society to be like 'okay yeah fine, aliens are real,'

Whimbrel01/08/2020
its fine, though, continuity is for scrubs

Timu01/08/2020
anyway O and doctor who and grandpa and two other secret agents get attacked by the aliens!  they destroy the two secret agents but they don't matter so they don't get teleported to the pillar dimension, i guess they just die.  or maybe they did?  we'll find out in part 2, though tbh they will probably just not mention the two secret agents at all
luckily O turns on his house's electric fence, which makes all but one alien run away!!!!!
the remaining alien persists, but they trap him in a glass box.  he says some ominous stuff like 'we are from another universe, it took us a while to figure out how to stabilize into bright white instead of budget restricting cool texture, but we did it, and now we will destroy your whole universe!'
they he dissappears and in his place is the girl who had just been teleported out of the pillar dimension

Whimbrel01/08/2020
ah, they made the same mistake as in Signs, and War of the Worlds....invading a planet with their anathema....electricity....
and then running out of texture budget...

Timu01/08/2020
how mysterious!  the whole team regroups and infiltrates Sundar Pichai's birthday party by hacking the guest list
doorman: "let's see, yup, here you are.  'The Doctor' that's a weird name but i'm not paid to question it, go right on it"
doctor: sundar pichai!  i know you are working with the aliens!  what are you planning!  are you the boss of the aliens, or are the aliens the boss of you?
sundar pichai: I'm running away!!
sundar pichai has a gun and a car
if only doctor who had some kind of super vehicle that could do anything
let's steal some VORE brand motorcycles instead!!!
they embark on a cheesy car chase!!!!
fortunately, all of VOREman's bullets home in onto the motorbike's bulletproof handlebars!  how convenient!
VOREman is getting onto an airplane!
hurry let's jump into the cargo hold!  good thing we all can run faster than a plane!
yay everyone made it onto the plane in time!!!!
secret agent O 'huff puff i just barely made it, i was never good at running'
doctor: 'wait, but your file says you are a good sprinter'
O: O
:O
i guess you caught my bluff
yes i was evil alllll along
i am blowing up this plane!  also look out the window it's my house, and it's flying in the sky!  weird huh!  and Voreman has dissappared and been replaced with a bomb!
and i'm teleporting the doctor into the pillar dimension!
and the aliens are here on this plane too!!!!!
the bomb has exploded and the plane is crashing!!!
grandpa and two kids are surrounded by the aliens!!!!  how can this be resolved!!!
find out in... PART TWO
which i can't watch right now cause my sister said 'okay let's watch it tomorrow i'm tired zzzzzz'

Robust Laser01/08/2020
:clap::clap::clap:

Timu01/08/2020
oh i forgot to mention it
but like, during that exposition where stephen fry was talking about how aliens attacked some secret agents
those secret agents were in comas, but otherwise looked fine, however their DNA had been completely replaced with alien DNA so they were basically just aliens with human skin on
okay Overall Rating:
Villain: VORE
Deaths: six secret agents and stephen fry
Births: three DNA-altered secret agents
Overall Death Rate:  i forgot how i calculated death rate.  is it death rate divided by birth rate?  sure.  75%.
Overal Rating: single 0 out of ten
picks up @Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? and @Digimon Wife Solaris ?? what did you think of the episode :3 ??

Digimon Wife Solaris ??01/08/2020
they did a new years episode and not a christmas episode so we couldnt watch it

Whimbrel01/08/2020
Wait, they didn't do a christmas episode? D:

Digimon Wife Solaris ??01/09/2020
it was new years instead

Timu01/09/2020
oh here's uh
[img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1...nknown.png[/img]
from the hacked GPS attacking everyone in the car

Whimbrel01/09/2020
oh no they learned how to send cyberthreats

Timu01/09/2020
recalculating...  Okay here is your new route.  in fifty meters, turn left into hell

Robust Laser01/09/2020
I liked the part with the vore

Timu01/09/2020
i had to do a lot of vore in order to find all four of those pictures i got
i vored google ceo, brick wall, spyfall alien, doctor who gps, doctor who gps car scene, doctor who spyfall gps car scene, doctor who spyfall gps car scene video

dr13, s2 e2 (part 2 of new years special)

Show

Spoilerbawa
i have watched Doctor Who: Spyfall part two
let the spy fall
when it crumbles
we will stand tall
previously on yugioh:  oh no the plane is crashing

Robust Laser01/09/2020
Pulls up a seat

Timu01/09/2020
wait, the plane has these big plaques on the wall
let's see
they send us on a little scavenger hunt around the plane until seat 43C where there's a pamphlet that says :"How to land a plane without a cockpit in case it has been blown up"
i dunno how the manufacturers of the plane or any of its passengers never noticed the doctor time travelling to when the plane was being built to set up all these plaques
but anyway. the solution is open this panel on the floor, and push the 'fix plane button'
thanks doctor!
meanwhile: doctor: oh no i was teleported into the pillar dimension.
shiny bright aliens: alright off you go, get out of our pillar dimension please
doctor: oh no i was teleported out into...1834!!!!! and ada lovelace, pioneer of computers is here
secret agent O: i'm here check out my cool gun that turns people into action figures!!!
doctor & ada: run away!  let's hack the shiny alien's teleporty powers to go back to the 21st century!!!
doctor & ada: oh no we ended up in 1943 instead!  oh it's uh noor inayat khan another famous historical figure for modern technology!!
secret agent O: i'm still chasing you threw time!  me and my shiny bright alien buddies have been spying on all these historical computer inventors for reasons that are still not clear at the end of this episode!
we did the time travel portals and set up bright alien people to spy on these scientists
why?  because
uh
why not?  ?? ?? ? ?? ? ?????????????????????
meanwhile in the future:
Voreman: it's me!  CEO of VORING!      i'm here to announce that all those privacy agreements and stuff were a lie!  you gave us all your data!  oh no!  because you vored all of your data to me, vore master!  this allows me to do!  uh!  nothing!
there' was no reason for me to steal your data!!!
now i have hacked every computer in the world so that they shoot bright light aliens out of them to every human on the planet!!!
we could have done this without spying on computer-inventors or stealing data

Coward01/09/2020
Voreman sounds like he just wanted to look at people's weird porn searches

Timu01/09/2020
but
sure
they really didn't need to do all the data stealing or spying
they could have just hit the big button for 'hack everyone's phone to shoot bright light aliens out'
why
there was no point
what purpose did it serve

Coward01/09/2020
the whole killing and taking over the planet was actually the secondary goal clearly

Timu01/09/2020
you just had to hit the button

Coward01/09/2020
the first was giggling at pornhub

Timu01/09/2020
anyway
now that everyone on the planet is being attacked by bright light aliens, we are going to turn everyone into comatose husks with all of your dna completely rewritten
turns out the dna that you're changing into isn't like, xenomorphs or anything
we're just using your dna strands to hold data

Coward01/09/2020
that seems terribly inefficient
and hard to search and index

Timu01/09/2020
(a google search result for "how many gigabytes is dna".  The answer is 1.5 Gigabytes.  a single byte of data can represent 4 nucleotides, and there is enough of those in the human genome to represent 1.5 GB)
there we go
so now everyone on the planet is gonna be turned into extremely biodegradable flash drives
you know that animals can just nom nom nom up
and they rot and stuff
and fall apart if you don't feed them
but now that we have so much storage space, this will somehow allow us to take over the entire UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!
doctor: remember all that time travelling i've been doing?
well i time travelled to when the plane was being built to install the plane-fixing shenanigans
then i time travelled to a year ago and hacked the turn-everyone-into-hard-drives button so that it doesn't do that, but instead defeats the aliens and sends them back to their own universe

Coward01/09/2020
this sounds way worse than the usual dr who fare

Timu01/09/2020
oh shit i forgot someone got turned into an action figure in part 1
part one overall rating amendment:

Cro-ɪba (Reecer6)01/09/2020
wait if they're turning your dna into memory, where are they keeping like

Coward01/09/2020
this seems, extremely discombobulated and like a million plotthreads at once but no real plan of execution

Cro-ɪba (Reecer6)01/09/2020
the parts of your dna that you use to be you and biologically function

Coward01/09/2020
you don't, you're a beef jerky flashdrive

Cro-ɪba (Reecer6)01/09/2020
like it's brought up that dna would be a super efficient data storage system... when used in a completely different context to how it's used in the human body

Coward01/09/2020
they could have just, vat grown themselves some better meat sticks

Timu01/09/2020
death rate: Deaths: six secret agents and stephen fry, and one guy got turned into an action figure
overall death rate: well eight divided by four is two so 2, which is a 100% increase over 1, so, 100% death rate, wait no, that means everyone died, but, wait, how do i calculate this again

Coward01/09/2020
you know, speaking of growing people and stuff. I really liked that one episode of dr who from years ago with the cloning vat
it was a good horror comedy

Timu01/09/2020
okay part two overall rating:
villain: vore
death rate: let's see,
in 1834 three people got turned into action figures,
in ww2, surprisingly no one died on screen
in modern times, one person turned into a memory drive to demonstrate what would happen to everyone else.  so FOUR people died!!!!!!!
birth rate: one 1.5 gig hardrive.  you know you can just, head to the store and like, buy a TWO gigabyte hardrive.  costs like twenty bucks or whatever and it even comes with wire ports so you can actually use it.  also you don't have to feed it
overall death rate: three.  i dunno
overall rating: 1.5 gigabytes out of 10

Coward01/09/2020
>2 gig hard drive
I don't think they sell those anywhere anymore. Even 2 gig flash drives are getting hard to find with the standard small one being like 4-8.

Timu01/09/2020
you're right i should've vored 'typical hard drive sizes and prices 2019' first before making that joke
i regret my misinformation
sorry i just had to make one more vore joke
i don't regret it htough

dr13, s2, e3

Show

Spoileroh boy it's doctor who time!!!
time for spoilers!!!!
doctor & friends are hanging out on the tardis after another one of their fun, off screen adventures

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??01/20/2020
oh boy is there more dr who

Timu01/20/2020
yes!!
there have been two episodes since the new years specials
did you watch any :3 ???
did you read my last reviews?
as in, my review of new years part 1 and part 2?
so Gramps has found some coupons for an alien spa vacation! neat! all you gotta do is put them together and they will instantly teleport you without warning to the spa!
cause in the future, everything just teleports you everywhere without warning
especially if you're on the tardis, which is unbreachable and impervious to everything except a couple of coupons can teleport you out against your will, the titanic can smash through, amazon drone can just telport in, so can random bridesmaids, and there was that time it fell into the sun, and that other time it became the sun, and those graffitti monsters shrank it, and an alien dandelion seed once transformed the tardis into a crayon drawing,
oh and one time it got frozen up by a cold sun, eaten by sentient asteroid, there have been like three times when the doctor has thrown the wrong switch and turned the tardis into a time paradox disaster dimension,
anyway, they arrive at the spa, and it looks really nice!

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??01/20/2020
I havent watched any because I dont want to pay for a tv license

Timu01/20/2020
then, within the minute of their arrival, a computer virus attacks, turns off the hotel's defense force field, and also the holographic wall. turns out the hotel is just inside a dome and outside of the dome it's just a shitty wasteland.
apparently the native life on this planet are the Xenomorphs, they breath CO2 and breath out oxygen. they are reverse humans........

Stiqqery01/20/2020
because they're... plants?

Timu01/20/2020
the xenomorphs attack, kill all the guests except for
1. the elderly couple
2. the father mechanic and the son who is secretly smarter than the dad
3. the sinister hotel manager who is very suspicious and seems to have ulterior motives
4. the main characters

the doctor says "they're like angry trees!' but only in terms of the breathing thing. otherwise they are just really ugly lumpy humanoid crustsuits with xenomorph teeth

5. a pretty girl
6. two other hotel staff members
elderly man gets captured by the xenomorphs and taken outside the dome, so everyone gets into a truck and tries to go rescue them. but then the truck gets blown up, the elderly man dies and says "tell my wife, i love her.... bleh....... i'm dead now" so you know how tragic it is
after 20 minutes of all the other guests sacrificing themselves one by one so that the rest of the group can get away....
finally it is revealed that the Pretty Girl is the daughter of the Hotel Manager! She introduced the computer virus to destroy the hotel to get revenge on Hotel Manager for abandoning her as a child!
but then they find
the statue of liberty
oh my god!!! this crappy wasteland is EARTH

Coward01/20/2020
that xenomorph seems to have sheep eyes
that makes it the good guy

Timu01/20/2020
the xenomorphs are mutated humans!
why is always the humans that mutate
should've been sheep

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??01/20/2020
we're really good at mutating

Timu01/20/2020
yeah
anyway the smart kid says "i'm really smart! check this out" and fixes the teleporter and everyone gets away safely
except pretty girl and hotel manager go down fighting... together, back to back
the doctor says" hey you! audience! yeah! humanity get your shit together or else this future earth will become true! stop global warming and stuff!"

Coward01/20/2020
you mean if global warming happens we can mutate into sheep?!?!
begins burning all the coal

Timu01/20/2020
Overall Rating
Death Toll: entire earth's population, and every character but the mechanics and the main characters
Birth Rate: sheep take over earth. also the computer virus was like, a physical little worm thing that could crawl into vending machines and stuff, so i guess those too maybe
Overall Death Rate: yes
Overall Rating: 55/10 because apparently the aliens call destroyed earth 'orphan 55' because it's the 55th planet to have suffered this fate and become inhabitable
Moral of the Story: if you're going to abandon your child, build a hotel on an extremely dangerous planet specifically so 'you can get rich and thus help provide for my child better' ,probably should let your kid know that that's your intention. Otherwise, they might think you're just shitty and greedy and try to get revenge by killing a bunch of innocent people!!!
oh also, save the environment too i guess

Coward01/20/2020
ok but

Timu01/20/2020
did you know? last season, the doctor said that she doesn't trust sheep because she knows that there's a "sheep rebellion" sometime in the future. i can't believe sheep caused global warming

Coward01/20/2020
who goes to the hotel on the zombie sheep xeno planet
like
is that an actual market?

Timu01/20/2020
well the dome has hologram walls, and everyone gets there by teleport
so none of the guests knew they were on a shitty planet, they thought it was just a nice place

Coward01/20/2020
ok but still, why does that specific place making money
and not like
the moon

Timu01/20/2020
shrug
the land was cheap since no one else wanted it
something like that

Coward01/20/2020
that's like
95% of space

Timu01/20/2020
yeah i dunno
there was also something about terraforming the planet but i didn't really pay that much attention
it just is silly

dr13, s2, e4:

Show

Spoilerdoctor who episode: Nikola Tesla's Fun Adventure
Tesla is at his niagara falls generator... just hanging out... when he comes across a floating glowy green orb of technology!!
then, a vampire sithlord comes and attacks!!!!!
luckily, doctor comes and rescues tesla
but then, tesla gets kidnapped by the vampire sithlords!!!
and the vampire sithlord uses force lightning to kill all of Thomas Edison's employees!!!
luckily, doctor comes and rescues tesla
turns out, the vampire sithlord was actually a scorpion wearing a hologram suit!!!!
apparently the scorpions are flying a ship stolen from another alien race, and it's breaking down. they got weapons and tons of shit from other alien races, but they have no technology of their own
so they just steal tech but don't know how to fix any of it, so that's why they want tesla to be their new mechanic.
if tesla doesn't work for them, they'll destroy earth!!!
so the doctor plugs the tardis into one of tesla's inventions so that they can shoot a giant lightning bolt at the scorpion space ship

Timu01/20/2020
unfortunately, the tardis, the invincible ultimate spacecraft which at one point used a tractor beam to pull the entire planet earth across the universe and back into its proper orbit, only has enough power for one lightning bolt
and can't put up the forcefield at the same time
so they have 30 seconds to fire the lightning bolt while the scorpions can attack!!!!
fortunately, instead of attacking, the scorpion queen, which is just a human with a scorpion tail and a fancy head makeup instead of looking like an actual scorpion like the rest of the species, has shown up
'you can't blow up my ship with lightning if i'm down here!!! hahaha!!!!! now who wants to die first?'
then doctor teleports her back to the ship
NOW we can blow it up with lightning
now that the queen is dead, all the scorpions instantly die too
hoooray.
overall rating:
death toll: like, twenty humans, and a whole bunch of scorpions
birth rate: not this time
overall death rate: like, twenty humans, and a whole bunch of scorpions
moral of the story: when you steal someone's stuff, also steal the manual
overall rating: AC/DC

SHADOW BANKER01/20/2020
That was good

Timu01/20/2020
there was a part at the beginning where doctor said "tesla, the aliens are after you? what did you find?"
and tesla said, "i found a cool glowy orb but i'm not sharing even though it's extremely obvious that you're a competent person who knows a lot about aliens. This way, we won't be able to resolve the plot instantly!"

However, once they got to tesla's home base two minutes later, he was like "okay doctor here you go" so it wasn't that stubbornly counterproductive. (the green orb was a 'find tesla' device that the aliens sent)

dr13 s2 e5

Show

Spoilerwowowo!!!! Doctor Who Spoilers Time!

Timu01/26/2020
on this very special episode of doctor who....,
just another fun adventure!!!!
ooooo oOOOO it's the space rhinos from season 3!!!! remember them? 2008 was a grand old time
They're the space rhino police, and they're here and they're back and they're frightening innocent humans, looking for an alien fugitive who is hiding amongst them
they have a little scanner thing that tells you what species you are, but the alien fugitive has pulled a sneaky and is scanning as human anyway!!!!
and that's what's happening in this year 2020 episode also!

Whimbrel01/26/2020
2020, space rhinos 2....which episode wore it better?

Timu01/26/2020
last time, they teleported a hospital onto the moon
this time, they just put a big forcefield around Gloucester
it kills anyone that tries to escape it, and no one can get in or out unless you're in the Invincible All-Powerful Tardis
uh oh! everyone but the doctor has been teleported out of this forcefield by some crappy alien tech.....
but by who?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
it's..>>!>!>!>!>!>
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm legit excited!!!!!!
it's CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS HELL YEAH
it's been 10 damn years!!!!
he gives a cryptic warning that will have relevance to the season-long plot arc, and then teleports the doctor's friends back to gloucester.
Meanwhile...............................
last time, the alien fugitive was a old granny vampire who was bypassing the space rhino species-scanner by sucking human blood
this time, the alien fugitive is some guy with a bio-shield
he's trying to protect his wife, but his wife is like 'weh! my husband never did say much about his past, is he an alien?!??!?!"
then he dies but the space rhinos are
he wasn't the fugitive we were looking for
it is actually... YOU! THE WIFE!!!!!
and the wife is like.. . ... . ....... .................. you're right! I'm a sleeper agent, and i went AWOL from my space job, and now that the secret code words are activated, i will engage my super martial arts training and beat up all the space rhinos!
you'll pay for killing my husband/body guard!
and then the wife smashes her fob watch and...
WHOA!!!
it's the Chameleon Arc!
remember that thing from season 3? Remember that? 2008 was a grand old time. This is a fancy piece of time-lord technology that will erase a time lord's memory, disguise them as a human, and cram their time-lord identity into a fob watch. The best way to disguise yourself as a human is to turn into a human basically!!!
wait so....
the wife is a time lord?!?!
the wife is.......
THE DOCTOR!!!
the doctor says what how can you be the doctor?? are you a future incarnation of me?
and the doctor says, what how can you be the doctor?? are you a future incarnation of me?

Whimbrel01/26/2020
and she says "yes" and they stab each other and regenerate

Timu01/26/2020
turns out this new doctor is from like, the past, like, the 1960-1980 series, back when gallifrey wasn't destroyed
but that's weird
we know all of the doctor's faces
so
How is this possible?!??
apparently this isn't a case like The War Doctor, where they're like "oh yeah there was totally a doctor between 8 and 9, we just never mentioned him cause he sucks so much, and because he sucks so much we didn't even let him have a number"

Whimbrel01/26/2020
phew, that was a shitty way to shoehorn in another one
is this an AU Doctor

Timu01/26/2020
the mystery doctor beats up all the space rhinos and flies off in her tardis, after saying some cryptic stuff like "i don't get it either, cya"
looks like just more mysteries for the season-long plot arc!
i didn't mention it earlier, but the New Years Special, that secret agent O guy was The Master in the disguise, and gallifrey was destroyed again. I didn't mention it cause it was like season-long plot arc stuff and you only really find out in the last ten minutes so not really a big impact on the episode itself
but this time the seasonlongplotarc stuff is like, a big part of the episode so i couldn't leave it out
overall rating
(my theory is that this is a doctor from an AU yes)
(or at least an alternate timeline)

Whimbrel01/26/2020
gallifrey only exists to be blown up repeatedly :D

Timu01/26/2020
yaya :3
i like how they brought a lot of stuff back from 2005-2008
i mean i was a little baby and i enjoyed those episodes
i still enjoy the episodes today tbh!

Whimbrel01/26/2020
I fell off in the matt smith era

Timu01/26/2020
just now that i'm older i find it more sillier but i still like it

Whimbrel01/26/2020
because I just
didn't enjoy his doctor or plot arcs v much
way too much emphasis on THE DOCTOR, not enough on silly aliens and adventures

Timu01/26/2020
i'm sure if it rewatched the 2005-2008 era again i would be like, yeah this is still silly, but, in my memory they're still like 'yayay this is so cool!!!!!!'
yeah
anyway!!!
overall rating:
death toll: a random old lady, a baker, the husband, the judoon's boss......... so four people! and Mystery Doctor's alter ego
birth rate: Mystery Doctor has regained her identity!
overall death rate: captain jack harkness probably died AND regenerated like a million times off screen, so let's just round it to 0%
but tbh why are you reading these if you care about spoilers?!?!
spoilers, everyones favorite character from 2005 is back
that really narrows down the list to one person

Robust Laser01/26/2020
dr temperance brennan aka "Bones"?

Akumu01/26/2020
I don't like that everybody's favorite character from 2005 was introduced fifteen years ago
I don't care for it

Timu01/26/2020
moral of the story: if you sabotaged a gun to kill whoever pulls the trigger, and then you decide that, actually, you changed your mind and you don't want the user of the gun to die, probably say "hey i sabotaged your gun so it will kill you if you pull the trigger" instead of just "please don't pull the trigger! please don't!"

Whimbrel01/26/2020
yeah but to keep them alive you'd have to admit fault. IMPOSSIBLE
"For MYSTERIOUS REASONS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME pulling the trigger will totally kill you, jsyk"

Timu01/26/2020
overall rating: 2008/10

Timu01/26/2020
oh damn i forgot to pick on how the Invincible, Ultimate, All-Powerful Tardis got ensnared by a tractor beam

Nottles01/26/2020
...
squints
how much does the doctor like going on adventures?
a lot, right?
like, are we sure it's the tardis at fault, here

Timu01/26/2020
hmmmm
yeah the tardis does a whole lot of just taking the doctor to wherever happens to be having a crisis at the moment

dr 13 s2 e6

Show

SpoilerROOO REEE LOOOOO
ITS DOCTOR WHOOOOO
In this episode: it's the year 2030, and all over the world, specifically, in three places, weird stuff is happening!!!
Peru: two travel vloggers go camping at a beautiful river, but when they arrive, turns out it's a junkyard now.....
then they get attacked by crows!!!!!
meanwhile: an astronaut is coming back from the international space station when the controls go haywire.... he crash lands in the indian ocean, but wakes up in hong kong. he sends his location to his husband by text but then get taped to a bed by aliens
meanwhile: madagascar:
two scientists are working in a super high tech lab! it's got genetic manipulation tools and shit! what do they study? idk, ocean currents? whatever! some guy washes up on the beach. he's from a submarine.
"i'm from the navy......... i tried to escape but it was too late.... 'it' got in...."
then he turns into barnacles and explodes
the doctor shows up
wow! yikes! that guy exploded!
two scientists: wow yeah, that guy sure did explode. huh.
doctor: well don't worry, it's normal for space standards, terrifying for earth standards. i'll be be back in a sec, i gotta pick up a travel vlogger in peru and an astronaut and his husband in hong kong
....
travel vlogger: boohoohoo my partner died! she turned into barnacles and exploded!!!!!
astronaut: i got strapped to a table by aliens with laser guns and gas masks!
i need to start calling the three companions by their actual names
cause
saying "one of the doctor's companions did this" and "etc did that" is a bit of a mouthful
they're Gramps, who is the grandpa of Ryan who is the grandson of Gramps. then there's also Jas, who is Ryan's friend. The two of them are like, mid 20s age.
Jas: the astronaut table had a weird alien tech thing that seemed important! I'm going to go back and try to get it!
Vlogger: I'm coming too!
doctor: okay well, phone me when you need me, the rest of us are going to the Madagascar Lab
....
back in the madagascar lab....
dr: wow this is a neat lab, you got like, all this biology genetic science stuff.
scientist: yeah. it's uh. for..... uh, ocean currents...
scientist 2: i'll stand outside and watch the birds because they are going nuts out there
\
doctor: okay mr astronaut you're turning into barnacles but i've invented a cure for you!
(outside, the birds eat scientist 2 but he never gets mentioned again)
jas: ring ring hey doctor me and vlogger found an alien teleporter. it had settings for hong kong, the alien home base, and also the madagascar lab. that's weird huh. also we went to the alien home base
doctor: yeah that is weird that there's a setting on the alien teleporter to go to the madagascar lab.......
scientist: welll welll well....... Looks like my evil plan has been exposed! but just so you know, the barnacles, THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU!! MUAHAHAA teleports away
doctor: dang it! i knew i should have been suspicious of their suspiciously over-equipped laboratory!
birds: yeah! we're breaking down the windows and attacking! there's a like million of us and we all got claws and beaks and are very fast because we're birds!
doctor: hurry everyone we must run to the tardis! don't let them scratch you or you will get infected by the barnacle disease and die!!!!
bird: darn! they got away! they were just too fast for us on their ordinary human legs!
doctor: okay tardis, i've invented the cure for barnacles, now synthesize the cure!!!!
tardis: okay here you go
doctor: now let's go to the alien home base!!!!
wow!!!!
we're in the alien home base! it's underneath indian ocean! It's a crashed alien spaceship!
scientist: oh shit how did you guys get here!?!?! oh fuck!!!
doctor: you! what's with your evil plan, bringing this barnacle disease to earth?
scientist: what evil plan? the barnacle disease exploded my planet, and then we crash landed on earth. then the barnacle disease escaped and started infecting birds and stuff! all we've been doing is try to find a cure. why do you think we strapped that astronaut to a table? we were trying to cure him and us!
...
wait...
then why did you say "oh darn i guess you discovered my true plan, and muahahaha and stuff"
scientist: "what"
"why did you say all that cryptic and threatening stuff if you weren't evil"
scientist: "uh"

Akumu02/02/2020
Timu I don't believe that this conversation actually occurred in the show

Timu02/02/2020
eh, close enough
scientist: oh no the barnacle disease has finally overtaken me, i have exploded....

Akumu02/02/2020
sad

Timu02/02/2020
doctor: okay well, we have a cure, let's stick it into the crashed alien spaceship's engine, send it up into the atmosphere and have it explode! then the cure will disperse throughout the atmosphere and kill all the barnacles!
doctor: oh and one more thing. i've set the autopilot because anyone left on the ship will die when it explodes. so we should all run off the ship immediately before the door closes and we get trapped inside. I could have said this a whole minute ago when we were all just standing around chatting about Astronaut and Astronaut's Husbands marital problems, but, it's more dramatic if we have to panic and run
alien ship: doors closing! also, autopilot broken!
everyone: yay we made it back safely on the tardis! wait, where's astronaut husband?
astronaut husband: i stayed behind to pilot the spaceship into the atmosphere! motivated by some character development about how i'm a coward, but i'm not a coward anymore, something something marital problems!
astronaut: no! but i love you!
astronaut husband: i love you too but i must do this! spaceship exploding into barnacle cure in 3... 2..... 1....
tardis: hey did you forget how invincible and all powerful i am? i saved you from being exploded. amazing how awesome i can be when you actually use me, right?
everyone: yay!!!!!!
everything worked out in the end! the most perfect ending!
vlogger: i'm so happy with this result i even forgot my life partner exploded right in front of me!
astronaut couple and vlogger: "oh okay, you're just gonna leave us at the madagascar lab then? that's cool i guess. I mean, the people who lived at this lab were the aliens, not us, but yeah sure, leave us here, not in the UK where we actually live. this is fine. bye"
doctor & friends: bye!

Akumu02/02/2020
hey, free trip to madagascar

Timu02/02/2020
overall rating:
deaths: entire submarine crew got turned into barnacles, a scientist got erased from history by birds, the entire alien crew got turned into barnacles, a bunch of innocent birds, a travel vlogger, and also an entire alien species of barnacle disease.
birth rate: the barnacle cure took the form of a virus that targets and destroys barnacle diseases.
overall death rate: idk, a couple of dozen but most tragically a bunch of innocent crows
it's not their fault that they got infected with, and subsequently mind controlled, by an apparently sentient and malevolent microscopic species of bacteria that can turn people in barnacles and explode them in a manner of seconds.
why are so many microscopic creatures from space both sentient and malevolent.
like those shadow piranhas from 2009 which are too small to be seen with the naked eye, but like, can still cast a shadow, and they eat people really fast, and then fill up their space suits and walk around and say scary shit

Akumu02/02/2020
those were scary

Timu02/02/2020
or those bacteria from 2009 which live in the water on mars, and will infect you with 'just one drop', and possess people and turn them into zombies with hose arms and spray you with water and say scary shit
i'm just imagining
hey organisms number 2591758392 through 15960120356825, can you lift up that leg you're filling up?
yeah, there we go,,, yup a couple more inches, now forward,,,,,, and down. yeah!
okay everyone on the other leg do the same thing!
yeah!!!! we're walking here!
larry! hey larry! you figure out how to make this thing talk yet
jim
jim hey can you go to larry and ask him if he figured out how to make this thing talk yet
no sam, i can't, but, lemme ask sarah to do that
hey sarah can you ask larry if he figured out how to make this thing talk yet
okay, hey betty, jim asked me to ask you to ask larry to uh, uh
talk
wait what was it again
oh for goodness sake sarah
more out of the way
ah shit
arms! arms! we're falling! ohh noooooo thud
okay fuck the spacesuit thing let's just fly after the humans like we normally do it's so much easier and faster
okay sorry that's all i have to say
at least the barnacles didn't talk this time
uh
moral of the story: use the tardis more often
overall rating: i give this travel vlog video "trip to peru beautiful river" a like, comment and subscribe.
out of 10
sorry this review was 40% just me doing a bit on a bazillion microbes in a trenchcoat

Coward02/02/2020
I appreciate your reviews Timu. They are better than the show.

dr 13 s2 e 7

Show

SpoilerHrgrghjhgh
Its doctor b who
Dr. Barney Who
I accidentally stuck a letter b typo I'm there
So that's the name now

So in this episode doctor and friends go back to earth
As usual the time travel gets screwed up so instead of coming back to right when they left it's c been like six months oops
In that time:. Ryan's buddy pal Regular Steve, has become paranoid and a shut in
He been having nightmares with a reoccurring character:. Creepy old bald guy
Or COBG for short
Pronounced like pubg
Ok so regular Steve has also been seeing cobg in real life
But never for too long, he just vanishes into this air after giving a creepy smile
Ryan assures regular Steve that he's probably not paranoid and this is some alien bs
Then cobg shows up, his fingers pop off his hand and fly around
One finger sticks itself in regular Steve's ear (base first, so not the way regular people sick finger in ear
Then regularvsteve and cobg vanish!!!!

Meanwhile:. Gramps gets a vision of a girl with fancy makeup, trapped in a bubble, begging for help
Meanwhile:. Jas also gets a nightmare featuring COBG
Meanwhile: the allpowerful invincible TARDIS gets breached by cobg. He teleports in and messes with some stuff but leaves before doctor notices him
Doctor determines the source of the damage is syria year 1400, where big werebaboons have attacked a hospital
The only survivor is a young patient who is spared by the were baboon
According to tardis and sonic screwdriver, the werebaboons do not exist, and have no measurable readings except for weight, shape, mass, speed, claw sharpness, scary vocalizations, and light reflected off their body
How mysterious!!!

Guided by Gramp's vision of trapped girl, doctor and friends and syrian patient girl travel to a spaceship in a galaxy far far away and a long long time in the future
Out the window you can see The makeup girl's bubble prison is wedged between two giant planets that would be smashing into each other and exploding if someone hadnt stuck their hamster ball prison in the way
The ship has a super super ultra mega cybersecurity master lock unbreakable ultra that is keeping the hamster ball closed, but it is no match for the awesome ultimate tardis decryption software
The makeup girl gets teleported to the ship
Where she reveals that she was the villain all along!!!!!!!!!!!
She and cobg are both godlike beings! Who long ago were bored so they decided to mess around with two planets
The two planet civilization got sick of this shit and crammed makeup girl into a hamster ball
Cobg sent visions to gramps, and messed around with jas and Ryan's friend, regular Steve, in order to trick the doctor into coming here and setting makeup girl free!!!
And cobg also messed with some random girl in 1400s syria for no reason other than he was bored
I guess
Shrug
Cobg then fingers all of our heroes!

The doxtor wakes up in a room, she, her friends, regular steve, and all the syria victims are all tied up with fingers in their ears giving them nightmares
But doctor's nightmare was very short and season-arc related so she wakes up right away, yeets her sonic screwdriver out of her pocket and into her bound hand in and impossible yump of awkwardness, and then sets everyone free
Then they all go back to earth, where cobg and makeup girl are about to give everyone on earth nightmares to feed on their fear
Cobg shouldnt have messed with random syrian girl by turning her fear of imaginary werebaboons into a tangible reality, because by getting over her fear, she now controls them!!!
The werebaboon beats up cobg and makeup girl, and then doctor reverses the polarity to send them both back into the hamster ball
Hooray
The day is saved
These two immortal godlike beings got thirty minutes of the episode and got defeated by a werebaboon
And the remaining ten minutes are like, everyone involved going to therapy and stuff in ways relevant to the nightmares they had
Flashbacks and stuff
Idk, not relevant to my reviews
Overall review:
Deaths:. No one died! Except for two planet's civilizations.
Births: a werebaboon
Overall deathrate:. It happened as part of the villains backstories so who cares right
Moral of the story:. So, if you want to mess with the doctor by messing with her friends, it's fine to go after friend of friends like Regular Steve. They're close enough. But your evil plan got ruined because you also messed with a random, unrelated woman from 600 years ago.
So the moral is to not waste your efforts on things unrelated to the mission, for it maybe later bite you in the back, and/or claw you in the front and stick you in a hamster ball
Overall rating:. 7/10, thats the portion of the episode it took for you to lose

dr 13 s2 e8

Show

Spoilerin this episode, Doctor, Jas, Ryan and Gramps go and visit like
uh
lord byron

Coward02/18/2020
earth again!

Timu02/18/2020
and mary shellye
uhh
wikipedia: "In 1816, [Mary Shelley and her husband Percy Bysshe Shelly] famously spent a summer with Lord Byron, John William Polidori and Claire Clairmont near Geneva, Switzerland, where Shelley conceived the idea for her novel Frankenstein."
so uh
there's the cast and setting for this episode
okay
okay
so i had no idea who any of these folks are because i'm a history/literature anti-nerd, which means i know absolutely nothing about it
instead i spent all my nerd points in stuff like pokemon and shit
and now that i'm done with the episode and i'm looking at wikipedia and i'm finally going
"ohhhhhhhhhh they were married and shelly is their last name, no wonder i was so confused that there were two different characters both named shelly"

alright so they're hanging out at this house on a dark and stormy night, telling ghost stories and doctor & friends come visit and they're like hey and lord byron is like sure i'm hospitable come on in
but weird stuff starts happening!!!
a vase levitates off the ground and yeets itself into a wall!
a skeleton hand crawls around and tries to strangle you!

Robust Laser02/18/2020
Vases aren't supposed to do that I think
Normal skeleton behavior tho

Timu02/18/2020
you go down the stairs, turn around the corner and..... you're at the top of the same stairwell?
a guy is sleep walking and walks through a wall like a spooky ghost
a creepy little girl is there, then a flash of lightning... and dissappeared!!!!!
a maid does the same thing!

Coward02/18/2020
teleporting maids seems like great service tho

Timu02/18/2020
they just stand there with a blank look in the corner of your eye and then.... thunder crack gone!
yeah she gave some food to gramps and gramps was like thanks! and then looked away and then they dissappeared and he looked back and was like, oh, you left in a hurry, didn't even say anything, well thanks though,
uh what other weird stuff

Coward02/18/2020
see, impeccable service from the magic maids

Timu02/18/2020
leave a room and end up walking right back into the same room somehow

Coward02/18/2020
probably magical girls doing a day job in the 1800's

Timu02/18/2020
oh the baby in the crib dissappears and gets replaced by a skull and the skeleton's other hand (the one that wasn't crawling around doing the strangle strangles)
(but apparently the real, not spooky maid, picked up the baby and hid)
(and the skull and hand climbed into the crib and pulled the blankets over itself so that it can be a spooky scare later when you pull back the blankets to see the baby but it's actually a spooky skull and hand)

Coward02/18/2020
what a joker, that spoop

Timu02/18/2020
uhhh okay so they realize that it's all an illusion. something in the house is trying to hide itself so it is putting up perception filters on people's heads to see the same room they just left even though they are in a different room, or see walls where there are actually doors. (this is how sleepwalking guy could walk through walls, cause he's asleep so the illusion doesn't apply to him)
and the thing trying to hide itself is a Goopy Space Parasite that has infiltrated Shelly's husband, Shelly, who was missing this entire time
apparently this goopy space parasite is so good at hiding itself that it not only puts up illusions to make people lost, it also puts up illusions so that its host can't be noticed by people
so the guy with the parasite has been wandering around the whole time, pissed that everyone is ignoring him, throwing vases around and stuff
but... what is that parasite hiding from?
maybe it's that spooky ghost that's floating out on the lake?

spooky ghost teleports into the house and reveal its true form........
It's a Cyberman!!
the classic doctor who villain, who is a human whose been mostly replaced with metal and lost all their emotions and stuff
but this one isn't quite finished. he's got a big hole in his mask so you can see his partially converted human face underneath, and it looks really cool
and he's staying stuff like, where is my baby parasite?
that baby parasite is a cyberman's supercomputer robot AI thingy, it contains all of cyberman history, scientific blueprints etc, all condensed into a little liquid mercury blob that can climb into people and make them all invisible and stuff
Shelly's husband, shelly: uuu gahh this thing is inside of me, and i can see everything related to cyberman history and technology ahhh
cyberman: it's unclear how baby parasite got into 1800 in the first place or why it's hiding from us, but i'm taking it back to the cyberfuture so that the cybermen can rise back to cyberpower. give me the baby parasite or i'll kill people!
shelly's wife, shelly: i'm appealing to your emotions! i know you still have some? what's your name?
cyberman: you're right.... i haven't gotten my emotion inhibitor chip in yet... i used to be human,, and my name is Asshat, and i'm actually a huge dick with no problem killing you anyway
(okay his name is actually like, assat but if you say it in a silly accent it becomes asshat so i'm going with that)
doctor: okay fine here i'll do the science, give you your baby back, no get out of here and go back to the cyberfuture to wreak your cyberhavoc you cyberprick
doctor's friends: but captain jack from four episodes again said in a cryptic, season-long story arc sort of way, to "don't give the cyberman what it wants"
doctor: eh, but i have to or else the cyberman will kill everyone. can't win them all
cyberman: haha, thanks for the cyberparasite, cyberlosers! cybersee ya cyberlater!
with the day saved, and only two servants murdered, the doctor and her crew get in their tardis to head to the future, chasing that cyberman so that it can't finish doing it's dastardly cyberdeeds!
....
as they were getting in the tardis:
gramps: alright so, i get that the parasite was putting up perception filters to make us get lost in the house and not see the parasite's host trying to talk to us, but why did the parasite animate the skeleton hands and make that creepy maid ghost and creepy girl ghost?
doctor: i have no idea! oh well!
then they get in the tardis and leave
Overall Rating:

Timu02/18/2020
deaths: butler and maid
births: There was a new baby, but it was just a Skull & Hand in a trenchcoat blanket
overall death rate: three cause that baby counts as a reverse birth because skeletons are undead

overall rating: cyberten out of cyberten
yup that skeleton spookster

Coward02/18/2020
It was just for fun
space cyber parasite loves some spoops
cybermen are known for two things: murder and prop-based jokes

SHADOW BANKER02/18/2020
Cyberman is gr8

SHADOW BANKER02/19/2020

Hey @Timu is this you?

Timu02/19/2020
Cyber parasite is just baby
It ran away from home to become a haunted house maker, following its dreams
It didnt want to grow up to be cyber tyrant like its overcyberbearing cyberparents cyberwant it to cyber
Also cyber angel benten!!! Whoa! I cant belive the Ben 10 universe is canon in yugioh AND doctor who!
I cant wait for the episode where yugioh challenges the doctor to a duel and plays "Bent N, Alien Fours" in attack mode
Its about a letter N that is bent out of shape, like its italicised, N and a bunch of number 4s from space

dr 13 s2 e9

Show

SpoilerPreviously on yugioh:
Captain Jack: don't give the lone cyberman what he wants! that's my cryptic message i give, now i must go byeeeeee
Lone Cyberman: give me what i want or i will kill everyone
Doctor: you win this time
lone cyberman, whose name is Asshat, haha now that i have the Cyberparasite i will go to the future and use it to restore the cyberrace!!!
doctor & friends: we pursue!

now it's the year 50 billion or whatever, they're on some random planet, the war is just about over, all the cyberspaceships have been blown up, all that's left is like, a small cybersquadron. on the other side of the battle, the humans, are also just very few survivors scattered around the galaxy. and here we have.... pessimistic guy, optimistic girl, older woman who is in charge, smart kid, and other survivors who die immediately so they don't matter
they're hiding in a little village on some random planet, but the cybersquadron is coming to finish them off, but the doctor has landed the tardis five miles away so that it can effectively be of no use at all

Coward02/25/2020
Oh boy timu review on lunch break. Nice

Timu02/25/2020
cybersquadron: surprise attack! we brought floating cyberheads with laser eyes to kill you all!
doctor: dang, there's not enough time to get back to the invincible, all powerful tardis, so, everyone run!!!!
in the squabble, 4 out of like 7 of the refugee humans survive, and all of doctor's friends survive. however they get separated!!!
Doctor, ryan and smart kid hijack one of the cybercars and flees!!

meanwhile, jas, gramps, pessimist, optimist, and leader escape in their crappy refugeecar
it crashes into some cyberdebris from a recent cyberbattle and explodes, luckily they manage to get into a nearby cyberMostlyStill-IntactCyberAircraftCarrier
it's filled with a couple hundred thousand cybermen all sleeping. it's unclear if these are just empty shells or have actual converted humans inside or what but they're not active
Jas, Gramps, Pessimist, Optimist, Leader (or jgpol) are turn on the cyberengine, planning to go to the fabled Hope Boundary, on the edge of the galaxy, which has a portal that will lead to where no cybermen can follow! all the war survivors have heard of it, pessimist thinks it's just a legend, optimist thinks we should at least hope it exists, i'm sure there's like a real world parallel but i'm dumbass shut-in so idk what
unfortunately, asshat has arrived!
he flicks the cyberlightswitch, and all the cybermen wake up out of the cyberpods!
oh no!!!!!

meanwhile, Doctor Ryan and Smart Kid (or drsk) are on their stolen cybercar. smart kid has also heard the legend of the Hope Boundary, so thats where they go, because their cybercar is strong and good
there they find a guy who lives next to the hope boundary, instead of leaving like an instruction manual behind, he has nobly elected to remain behind to guide the way for those that follow, cause the way to open the portal is not obvious because it is invisible
unless you know exactly where it is
in which in turns visible and reveals that on the other side is Gallifrey, the doctor's home planet, which used to be thriving with other time lords, then got destroyed, then got brought back, but is now destroyed again
and then the Master hops in through the portal and says "surprise it's me!!!! jazz hands
cliffhanger!!!

Coward02/25/2020
Ok but was the parasite for

Timu02/25/2020
also throughout this episode we have intermittent flashbacks to what LOOKS like a small 1950s village in the uk.
a guy is riding his old timey bicycle, finds a baby left in at the side of the road, adopts the baby.
baby grows up and becomes a policemen. when baby is like 25yr cop, he is fighting the crimes and gets shot and falls off a cliff. Police chief finds him, completely fine, just having a little nap.
next flashback is like 80yr cop, he's all old and retiring from the police force, when on his way home, his not-old dad and not-old policechief are there, they strap him to a chair and say 'okay here we go again, the implication is that we've done this several times but the process erases your memory

so this seemingly unrelated sidestory is going on. it's wild mass guessing fan theories time!!!
so many questions
who is baby? how did baby get left on road? why is baby survive bullet and fall damage? why is dad and policechief the same age as when baby was baby? what are they doing to baby with science chair? and most perplexing of all
what the FUCK is a bicycle (https://youtu.be/rvLoLMH0AY8)

******02/25/2020
velocipede for normies

Coward02/25/2020
Ten Speed, the demon bicycle

Timu02/25/2020
and then there's the standard cliffhangers of the characters we actually know, asshat woke up all the cybermen and are about to kill jgpol, The Master has shown up at portal to surprise drsk

Coward02/25/2020
I feel like there are like a hundred unaddressed threads of plot

Timu02/25/2020
and i have no idea what the cyberparasite does
i mean, i think it was explained in the episode like
the cyberparasite allows you to turn on all the dead cybermen or something

******02/25/2020
it does cyber

Timu02/25/2020
but i missed that part because my hearing is bad and no subtitles

Timu02/25/2020
Overall Rating:

death rate: apparently both humans and cybermen are just handfuls of survivors, but within this episode itself, like, i dunno, three or four humans?

birth rate: mystery baby... twice?

Overall death rate: my personal theory is that mystery baby has some sort of healing power, and that police chief and baby's dad are siphoning it to retain their youth. so with that into account, the overall death rate is -42069

Moral of the story: Park your getaway vehicle closer to where you're gonna be doing stuff

Overall Rating: overarching season arc part 6/10

******02/25/2020
mystery baby is a time lord?
it regenerates, they suck in the life juice and stop it.

Timu02/25/2020
could be!
is mystery

dr13 s2 ep10 (season finale)....... I haven't actually watched it yet! I'm going to watch it with my sister when I have a chance but that chance has not come yet. Oh well. In the meantime I guess I'll just watch Torchwood all by myself in the middle of the night.

It's torchwood time!  Torchwood is the R-Rated spinoff tv show for Doctor Who.  So here's some content warnings for the whole show:

Content Warnings!

Show

SpoilerSex, nudity, murder, sexual assault.  Let me know if I should add anymore!

Here's the timeline again...

Show

Spoiler

Doctor Who season 1 introduced Captain Jack Harkness.  He gains immortality and is then abandoned by The Doctor.
Doctor Who season 2 introduced the organization "Torchwood."  No one fights aliens, however, they do.

torchwood season 1 ep 1

Show

SpoilerThis episode has ordinary cop, Gwen, stumble accidentally on Torchwood fighting aliens.  In fact, she stumbles on them twice!
The first time they bring a guy back to life for two minutes with a magic glove!  The Risen Mitten!
The second time they let a bugman murder someone before hopping out and arresting the bugman!  Why did they wait if they were there the whole time?

Gwen follows them back to their homebase, and they let her in, tell her all their secrets, and then erase her memories.  Why not just erase her memories before telling the secrets?  seems like it would be faster but whatever.  I guess they needed to introduce the audience to the cast:

Boss: Captain Jack who comes back to life after he dies.  He's been boss of torchwood since like 1869, but none of his employees know this.
Asshole: Owen is a medical doctor but his main character trait is being a twat
Nerd:  Toshiko is a pretty girl who has a crush on Owen and is shy and everyone is mean to her
Secretary:  Lanto's name starts with a capital i which is unacceptable so i changed it
Susie: is in charge of the Risen Mitten.

Boss gives Gwen an amnesia pill.  Seems like a waste of time, telling her all the alien secrets and then just wiping the memory?  Coulda just erased her memory before she came in the door but whatever.

Someone has been stabbing people!  The regular police detectives have drawn a police sketch of the murder weapon, which is Fancy Knife.  Wait!  Gwen saw Fancy Knife at the torchwood place and her memories start to come back!  Maybe she can use her recovered memories to solve the crime????

But none of that really matters cause Susie comes right out and confesses immediately for no reason!  "I had to create murder victims so I could have people to use the Risen Mitten on!"  Then she shoots Boss, but Boss comes back to life, and gives her a spook and she shoots herself.

Boss: "well i guess we have job opening, Gwen you are hired as new Ethics!"
Ethics: Okay I'm Ethics now.

Ethics: Gwen is in charge of making sure the rest of the team isn't mean to the aliens.

Artifact: Risen Mitten!  This handy dandy glove makes any corpse it touches come back to life for 2 minutes!  But be careful, it slowly turns the user evil!
Kills: 3 murder victims, and Susie!
Bosses Defeated: 1 (Susie shoots Boss at the end of the episode)
Births:  New Jobs Position at Torchwood!
Total Score: 10300 points!

Moral of the story:  If your murder weapon is easily recognizable, hide it and don't leave it on your desk.

Did you know that the opening credits for this episode had Susie's actress listed on it as if she was a main cast member?  This avoids spoiling the twist that Susie was evil all along!  Neat!

torchwood s1 e2

Show

SpoilerUh oh!  It's midnight and all the children have gone to bed.  Now we can show torchwood:  the edgy adult spinoff of doctor who.  In this episode an alien kills people by having sex with them.

Ethics is on her first day of the job and she is clumsy and breaks the big alien egg, releasing Sex Gas.  Sex Gas flies away and possess Poor Girl, forcing her to explode a guy.  Torchwood captures Poor Girl, and start to do science.  According to these readings, Poor Girl's body cannot take the strain of having sex gas in it, so she will die in 30 minutes!

Maybe they should just let it die?  No!  Ethics says we should try to help the girl.
Doesn't matter!  Sex Girl can produce super pheromones, distracting Asshole so she can escape.  They run to the cell and find Asshole naked.  Then my mom walks in and sees naked Asshole on my computer screen and gets disappointed in me.

Where has Sex Girl gone?  If only we had some information about Poor Girl so we might have an idea of where she might go.  Wait!  Ethics has the information because she cares about Poor Girl!  I guess Ethics isn't so useless after all.

They go to Poor Girl's workplace, and apprehend Sex Girl (of course like ten customers blow up in the meantime), and reminds it that it has to hop from body to body because each body only lasts like 30 minutes.  Sex Gas pops out but before it can possess Ethics, Boss tosses a seashell at it and it dies.

Artifact:  Space Seashell!  This handy dandy device makes a forcefield around anything it is thrown at.  It even works on alien gas monsters!  Just make sure you recharge the battery- don't want the forcefield to run out before the gas monster dies of sex-starvation!
Kills: one nightclub guy, one ex-boyfriend, like ten customers, and one sex gas.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births:  Sex Gas possessed Poor Girl to create Sex Girl!
Total Score: 69

Moral of the Story:  Always use protection or you might explode into dust.

torchwood s1 e3

Show

SpoilerSome kid has a magic rock that shows you images of the past and future!  They see a vision of a murder from 50 years ago, but it was never solved. 

Asshole is like, "we should confront the murderer, who is now an Old Man!"
Boss says, No Asshole, we can't, because of the law, and Magic Rock is not admissible evidence in court!
Asshole says "GRRR!!! Emotions!!! I'm gonna confront Old Man anyway!"
Old Man says "grr i'm gonna stab you!"
Asshole says "Not if i stab you instead!  Angry emotions!"
Ethics says "No Asshole, if you do that you will be a murderer too!"
Asshole says, "Reluctant agreement!"
Old Man says, "You'll never take me alive!  I stab myself!"

The end.  They lock up the magic rock because it makes people very emotional and irrational or something.  I dunno.

Artifact:  Magic Rock!  It can show you things in the past that make you angry!  It can show you things in the future that make you scared!  Maybe it's best to see nothing at all.  Ignorance is bliss!

Kills: Murder victim from the past, and Old Man
Bosses Defeated: no
Births:  It was originally a Past Rock and a Future Rock.  then they got glued together to make Magic Rock.
Total Score: -200

Moral of the story:  If you're going to confront a murderer, don't rush in ALONE because of angry emotion!  Think first- you should bring back up in case the murderer tries to stab you.

torchwood s1 e4

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SpoilerUh oh it's the cybermen!  These metal men have the body of a brainwashed human inside of them!  They killed like a million people in the Doctor Who Season 2 Finale, and secretary's girlfriend was one of the survivors of that! 

She was halfway through the conversion process when Secretary rescued her.  This means that instead of having a metal suit of armor around her body, she instead has just a chainmail bikini.  Secretary is hiding her in the torchwood basement.  He's brought in a businessman who collects cybermen stuff.

Secretary: "Can you cure my girlfriend?"
Businessman: "Maybe!  First let's release her restraints!"
CyberGF: "KILL!!!  ALL HUMANS MUST DIE!  THE CYBER LEGION WILL RISE AGAIN"
Businessman: "bleh i'm dead now!"
Boss: "What the fuck is going on in my basement!??"
Secretary: "Boohoohoo i'm just trying to cure her!"
Boss: "It's too late for that!  Pterodactyl, attack!"
Pterodactyl: "I'm the Torchwood Pet and I'm a pterodactyl!  I show up rarely because CGI is expensive!  Caw caw!"
CyberGF: "Ow!  Punch!"
Pterodactyl: "Ow!  It looks like I'm dead, but it won't be until season 2 that you find out that I actually survived!"
Audience: "No!  The best character is dead, presumably!  Boohoohoo!"
Pizza Delivery Girl: "Did someone order pizza?"
CyberGF: "I'm going to transplant my brain into your body!"
PizzaGF: "Now that I'm in Pizza Delivery Girl's body, I no longer have a chainmail bikini to protect me from bullets!"
Torchwood Team: "Finally she's vulnerable again!  Pew pew pew!"
Secretary: "Wailing!  Sobbing and crying!  My girlfriend is dead!"
Boss: "She already was dead, secretary, she already was.  Also I forgive you for keeping this deadly secret from us and putting everyone in danger."
Secretary: "Boohoo but okay."

Artifact:  Pet pterodactyl!  This big baby loves to eat things!  Just squirt some barbecue sauce on a target and she will attack it!  Just be careful though- the animators spilled some BBQ sauce on the budget, so she can only be used once per season.

Kills: 1 business man, 1 pizza delivery girl, 1 cyberGF
Bosses Defeated: cyberGF electrocutes Boss two times.
Births: PizzaGF
Total Score: 20300

Moral of the story:  If your girlfriend says stuff like "HUMANS SHALL BE DELETED.  METAL IS PERFECTION" she is probably not your girlfriend anymore.

torchwood s1 e5

Show

Spoilera guy tries to abduct Little Girl but fairies fill his throat with flower petals, suffocating him.  Boss recognizes this- 100 years ago some soldiers ran over a girl and they got petaled to death too.

Little Girl's dad is mean to her, so the fairies kill him too.  They also kill an old lady for taking pictures of them, and trash Ethic's apartment for no reason.

Boss knows that the fairies are unstoppable, and reluctantly allows Little Girl to turn into a fairy in order to placate the fairies.  A sacrifice for the greater good.  The girl WANTED to be a fairy though so, it's not THAT bad.

Really nothing much to make fun of in this episode, it was pretty serious and not at all ridiculous.

Artifact:  Fairies.  These nasty little creatures can control the weather, teleport, travel through time, teleport stuff into people's lungs, and also stab people.  Don't mess with them! 

Kills: three people in modern times, and a trainful of soldiers in the past.
Bosses Defeated: zero.  I think the fairies knew Boss couldn't die so they didn't bother trying.
Births: Little Girl turns into a fairy!
Total Score: 0

Moral of the Story:  Be very careful with faeries!

[/spoiler]

torchwood s1 e6
content warnings for just this episode specifically

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Spoilercannibalism, gore, murder, sex, let me know if i should add more.

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Spoilerew nasty! People are going missing around a small village in the countryside- wait
countryside... this episode is called countrycide.... i just realized it was a pun on countryside- it was more than just sticking -cide at the end of country!!!!
... anyway, ew nasty! There's a lot of gore in this episode!

Anyway the team goes out and decides the best way of investigating this is to set up tents out in the middle of nowhere! Seems safe- ordinary tents should protect you against the alien threat that is roaming this area!

Doesn't matter much cause they find a disgusting corpse, and while they are distracted, their car gets stolen! Asshole left the keys in the car! Dumbass! They gotta walk over to the village and split up! Because dividing your team into smaller, more vulnerable teams is the best thing to do against an alien threat that is roaming the area!

They get captured one by one! What kind of alien monster could be responsible for this- mutilating corpses, sticking body parts in freezers, eating human flesh-
Oh no! The plot twist! It is revealed that the monsters are just humans! Somehow, this small village of 10 people are ALL cannibals, and have apparently been doing this for DECADES and no one from outside the village has noticed or tried to do something about it until NOW.

Boss bursts in just in time to save the team from getting eaten and shoots all the bad guys!
Ethics has to know- why would they do such horrible things? The cannibal leader says "because it made me happy." very creepy and scary. They all go to jail.

Ethics is horrified. She's seen lots of horrible things over the past 6 episodes, and she can't share any of it with her boyfriend because secrecy. So she starts an affair with Asshole, because they have common ground. What?? Man I don't get people sometimes.

Artifact: Humans! These creatures usually don't do horrible things, but sometimes they do. I guess everyone already knew that but whatever. Plot twist?

Kills: like 30 victims of the cannibals, and like 5 cannibals get shot by Boss.
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: no
Total Score: ew

Moral of the Story: Don't split the party when you're in a horror movie!!!!! And don't leave your keys in the car!!!!

torchwood s1 e7

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SpoilerIt's time for an episode about Nerd! Nerd is a sad girl. She has a crush on Asshole, but he's fucking Ethics. And no one respects her work. She's lonely and stuff.

But then a Hot Girl comes and is like "Nerd, i like you! Take this magic necklace, it lets you read minds!"
Nerd uses it and discovers that everyone is thinking rude thoughts behind her back like "nerd is a nerd" or "nerd's fashion sense is bad" or "nerd is a wimpy baby"
Hot Girl: "see, nerd, i'm the only one who is nice to you! let's have sex!"
Nerd: "okay!"
Hot Girl: "Also! I'm an alien fugitive murderer! that's why i have that necklace! Also, torchwood found a thingy a few days ago- that's the teleporter that sends me back home! Nerd, get me into the torchwood homebase!"
Nerd: "anything for you, hot girl!"
Hot Girl: "Now that I'm in torchwood homebase, i attack everyone!"
Boss: "here take the teleporty thing!"
Hot Girl: "thanks!"
Boss: "I reprogrammed it to send her into the sun."

Artifact: Mind-reader Necklace! This handy device lets you hear the secret evil plans of villains! But usually, you will usually just hear all the mean things people are saying about you!

Kills: Hot Girl. Also Hot Girl killed like three people when she first arrived on earth a hundred years ago.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 0
Total Score: 400

Moral of the Story: Don't be mean to people?

torchwood s1 e8

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Spoileroh no! Someone is killing people and writing message- "Torchwood!" Who is the murderer and why do they want torchwood's attention? The only way to figure it out is to whip out that Risen Mitten from episode 1 and question the murder victims. In the two minutes that the Risen Mitten gives them, they learn that the murderer is Bob Regularname, and he's trying to kill everyone involved with a local therapy group.

Wait, Susie was in that therapy group! Remember Susie from episode 1, where she was in charge of the Risen Mitten?

They capture Bob but he's apparently been hypnotized. Looks like they have to use the Risen Mitten on Susie! But- Susie lives past the 2 minutes! Susie basically rejoins the team, and Ethics takes her to see her family.

Uh oh- turns out she's draining the life force from Ethics! Apparently this was all part of her plan all along! While she was alive, she hypnotized Bob, so that after she dies, Bob will start doing murders in such a way that Torchwood is forced to bring Susie back to life in order to get more information! And then once Susie is brought back to life, she will survive forever because of some bullshit involving the fancy knife!

She escapes! But she doesn't get far, because they destroy the Risen Mitten- severing the link between Susie and Ethics. Susie dies for good this time, and Ethics goes back to normal.

Artifact: Life Knife! The True Name of the Fancy Knife from episode 1! This fancy knife can be used to stab people. But be careful, if some bullshit happens, The Life Knife will instead create a life-draining link between Susie and Ethics!

Kills: 3 murder victims, and Susie, again.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Susie becomes a life-draining zombie!
Total Score: 450

Moral of the Story: When someone betrays the team, don't immediately trust them again the moment they come back to life! She might reveal an evil plan and then escape!

torchwood s1 e9

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SpoilerTorchwood is a secret organization that deals with aliens, but they somehow have a Fanboy anyway. When Torchwood shows up at mysterious crime scenes, Fanboy likes to visit and help, but Torchwood says "go home fanboy! We are top secret!"

But now... Fanboy has been hit by a car and turns into a ghost! No one can interact with him or knows that he's there, but at least now he can finally follow Torchwood around without them telling him to go away!

Fanboy can't remember the circumstances of his death, and because it was just a regular car crash, Torchwood doesn't care. But Ethics cares, so she investigates!

When Fanboy was a young boy, he found a Sparkle Marble! It looks like an alien eyeball, and that's how he got into liking aliens and how he ended up as a Torchwood Fanboy. Even though no one is supposed to know Torchwood deals with alien stuff?

Ethics investigates further, and finds out that Fanboy needed some money so he sold the Sparkle Marble on ebay. Someone bid 15000$ for it! Whoa! Is it really that valuable?? Someone else has bid 15005$ on it! Guess the 15005$ guy is the winner. I wonder who it is... Oh! It's Fanboy's friend, Dickwad!

Dickwad realized that if some eccentric billionaire collector is willing to spend 15000$ on it, then Dickwad should buy it, and then resell it. That way, Fanboy gets no money and Dickwad gets 15000$!!! Dickwad tries to steal the Sparkle Marble from Fanboy, but Fanboy runs away and gets hit by a car!

That's a shame. So that's the mystery of how Fanboy died, now solved. Ethics goes to Fanboy's funeral, and as she leaves- uh oh! a car is about to hit her! Fanboy pushes her out of the way! Whoa!!!!! Fanboy is corporeal again???? But not for long- Fanboy ascends to heaven as everyone tearfully waves him goodbye.

Artifact: Sparkle Marble! This fancy marble will turn you into a ghost when you die. While you're a ghost you can hang out and reflect on your life. You also get a chance to turn corporeal for a few seconds! Be careful though- you'll die permanently after that, so make that moment count!

Kills: Fanboy
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Fanboy ghost
Total Score: 15005

Moral of the Story: If you have a fanboy who keeps trying to tell you something about an alien eyeball they found, maybe listen and not tell them to go away?

torchwood s1 e10

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Spoilervroom vroom! Here comes a plane from 1950! Landing in the present time! Whoa! The three passengers have been transported to the future and there's no way back. Now they have to adapt to modern life.

Phones! Internet! Economic Inflation! Gay People! Racism is bad now! All your friends and family are old and/or dead now!

The three passengers are
1. Pilot Lady
2. Young Girl
3. Adult Man

Young girl and Adult Man aren't related to each other so i don't know why they are on a plane together.

Pilot Lady and Asshole fall in love! Oh also, Asshole and Ethics aren't sleeping together anymore. But Pilot Lady still wants to go back to her modern day and wants to be able to fly a plane. But she doesn't have a license in modern times! She hops back on the plane and flies back through the space time rift, presumably landing at a completely random point in time and space and probably dying instantly. Sorry but that's just statistics for you. Asshole is heartbroken.

Young girl adapts pretty well. She's sad that all her friends and family are gone but she makes new friends and goes to college and stuff and moves to London.
Adult Man is sad that his son is old and senile now, and doesn't remember him. Adult Man kills self. :(

Artifact: Biplane! If you ride this plane while the weather is Timey-Wimey, you'll land at a completely different point in time! But be careful- it's completely random! If you're lucky you'll just be 50 years in the future. If you're unlucky you might end up in the dinosaur days or far in the future when Earth is a burning husk!

Kills: Pilot Lady probably dies. Adult Man kills self with gas in garage.
Bosses Defeated: Boss from same gas in garage.
Births: The three people are given fake identities for their new lives in modern times.
Total Score: 1950

Moral of the Story: If you're stuck in an unfamiliar world and you've lost all of your friends, it's not too late to start a new life! Don't give up hope!

torchwood s1 e11

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SpoilerIt's a bugman! These bugman make several minor appearances through the series as monsters that show up often but are pretty easy to contain and capture. But this time- someone else is capturing them first! Who could it be!

They are being stuffed into vans and taken to an abandoned warehouse! Torchwood follows but the criminals have disappeared. Time to do some investigating!

Asshole visits Real Estate Man. Real Estate Man (REM) is in charge of abandoned warehouses, so maybe he knows something? They don't really learn anything, but REM asks Asshole out for drinks. Asshole says sure.

REM and Asshole are at the bar, when some aggressive men attack! This leads to a fist fight between 5 white guys! Shaky camera! Fast movements! Everyone looks the same, except for Asshole, because we've had 11 episodes to get used to Asshole's face! What's going on? Apparently REM and Asshole win, and they go to REM's apartment together. Are they gay? No.

REM says "i noticed how aggressive you are"
Asshole: "yeah i fell in love in the last episode with Pilot Lady, but she flew away and died"
REM says "aw that's a shame. but us men need an outlet for our aggression and anger emotions! Want to join my fight club?
Asshole: "hold on i need to pee"
Asshole goes to the bathroom and noticed a door is locked, so he breaks in and finds a Bugman all chained up!!!
REM: "yeah check it out, this bugman is my personal punching bag! We have more at my fight club!"
Asshole: "I still have anger emotions about Pilot Lady, so, yeah okay sure!"

They go to the fight club. There's a cage and there's a bugman in the middle. People are placing bets on how long they can last in the bugman cage before dying or chickening out.
Asshole: "anger emotions! heartbreak! I'm going into the bugman cage of my own free will!"
Team Torchwood: "We are here! Everyone is under arrest! Memory wipes!"
Asshole: "I'm still in the cage! The rush of adrenaline makes me feel alive, anger emotions!"
Team Torchwood: "Get out of there you dumbass!"
Asshole: "okay, but still anger emotions or something!"

Artifact: Bugmen! These fun boys wear leather jackets and have ugly faces! Lots of these guys come in through the spacetime rift, and live in the sewers. They eat poop! But be careful, if you run into them outside of the sewers, they will beat you up with their deadly claws and teeth!

Kills: At least two people kill themselves in the bugman cage.
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: no
Total Score: 5 minutes in the bugman cage! New record!

Moral: What the hell? There are better ways to get over heartbreak! Stop being so aggressive all the time!!!

[/spoiler]

torchwood s1 e12

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SpoilerWeird noises are coming from an abandoned dance hall. It sounds like 1940s music! Oh, it's because there's a time portal to 1941 in there, and Boss and Nerd wander in and get stuck!

Looks like the only way to bring them back is to open the Space Time Rift, but we need The Equation to do that! Too bad only Nerd has the equation, and she didn't write it down for some reason! Looks like she will have to write it on a piece of paper and hide it, so that the rest of the team can find it 65 years later.
Oh, and the Rift-Opening Machine is missing a piece!

It seems far-fetched that a piece of paper can remain hidden for 65 years, but luckily, Creepy Old Man is there to help! This guy is in both 1940s and also 2000s, and hasn't aged a bit! He's creepy and suspicious. He leads Ethics and Asshole into his office, where they can find the missing Rift-Opener part, and also Nerd's piece of paper. But he scratched out part of Nerd's Equation!!!

Asshole says "grr!!! emotions! I'm gonna open the rift anyway even though the equation is incomplete!"
Secretary says "No! If you do that, you'll be doing exactly what creepy old man wants you to do!"
Asshole: "I'm doing it anyway!!"
Boss: "Okay me and Nerd are back in present time, but Asshole- what have you done??"

So, Creepy Old Man can travel through time and space at will, but tricks Torchwood into opening the rift for him, even though he can just teleport in and do it himself. He even teleported in, stole a machine part, hid it in his office, and then basically gave it back to Asshole. Why????

Artifact: Rift-Opening Machine! This fun doohickey will open up the space time rift, bringing whatever you want into the present! But be careful, if you don't have the complete equation, you'll also bring in way too many aliens for you to properly deal with!

Kills: No
Bosses Defeated: No
Births: No
Total Score: 65

Moral of the Story: If a Creepy Alien wants you to open up a spacetime rift to cause chaos, maybe find a different way to bring your friends back from the past

torchwood s1 e13 (season finale)

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SpoilerYikes!!!! The rift was opened up last episode! Usually only one alien slips through the cracks per week. But since it was opened up, there's a whole bunch of aliens and they are causing chaos!

It seems the only way to undo this is to open up the Rift AGAIN! Somehow this will vacuum suck all the aliens back into it?
But Boss is not gonna let this happen because, it's obviously just gonna unleash more aliens. why would it do something different this time?

Secretary sees a vision of his CyberGF, urging him to open up the rift to bring her back from the dead!
Asshole sees Pilot Lady, urging him to open up the rift to bring her back from the dead!
Ethics sees her boyfriend, urging her to open up the rift to bring her back from the dead!

Wait, Ethics' Boyfriend isn't dead? Creepy Old Man stabs Boyfriend! Now he's dead!!!

The entire team turns on Boss! We're gonna open up the Rift! Creepy Old Man showed us visions of our loved ones that we lost and we want them back!
Boss: "Step away from the Rift-Opener!!!!"
Asshole: "I shoot you!! Anger Emotions!!!"
Boss: "I'm dead right now, guess I can't stop you anymore!!!"

They open up the rift!!! It vacuum sucks all the aliens back into it, and brings Ethics' Boyfriend back to life. No CyberGF or Pilot Lady though.
Boss comes back to life, because he is immortal.
Team Torchwood: "What the hell??? You're immortal????"
Boss: "uhhh no, i just, came back cause you opened the rift, duh"
Torchwood: "Oh right, that makes sense, cause we just saw it do that with Boyfriend!"

except that's not the conversation that happened. Instead, Boss's secret immortality has been revealed. Ethics knew about it from episode 1, but now the whole team knows his secret!

Well, I guess everything worked out. I guess if you open the Rift once, all hell breaks loose, and if you open it twice, it will completely undo that.
Oh wait- Hell is breaking loose! Literally! A straight up giant demon is stomping around the city! Everyone caught under its shadow dies instantly!!!

Creepy Old Man: "Hahaha! everything has gone exactly according to plan! I tricked you into opening the rift and now my boss, Big Demon, is free!"

Boss runs to an open field and yells at Big Demon! Hey Big Demon come over here!
Big Demon: "i'm in a city full of screaming people, but I guess some guy a few kilometers away is taunting me, so, here I come! I guess I have super hearing!"
Boss: "How about you eat my life force!"
Big Demon: "Okie dokie!"
Boss: "I'm immortal!"
Big Demon: "Oh no... too much life force.... i have overeaten and died!"

Hooray. The day is saved! Boss forgives the entire team and things go back to normal even though like a million people just got killed by a giant demon.

Artifact: Boss! During his travels with The Doctor, a Time Puppy gave Boss immortality! Now whenever Boss dies, he will regenerate from his wounds and come back to life after a while! That's an endless source of life force right? Be careful- if you eat too much life force, you will get obliterated!

Kills: Like a million people
Bosses Defeated: like infinity deaths from Big Demon crammed into a few seconds, and also one death from Asshole shooting Boss.
Births: One Big Demon!
Total Score: infinite

Moral of the Story: Don't overeat or you might erase yourself from history!

[/spoiler]

What's this? Reviewing Doctor Who episodes?
After Torchwood Season 1, Boss Captain Jack comes and joins the three-part Doctor Who Season 3 Finale! It's the 10th doctor's second season, which also introduces Martha Jones. Marth also appears in Torchwood Season 2, which occurs right after these next episodes. Let's go!

10th Doctor, s2, e11

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SpoilerThe invincible, all powerful Tardis needs a fuel up every now and then, and parks itself on top of the Cardiff Space-Time Rift. Captain Jack runs out and hops onto the Tardis. Weeooo weooo wooo!!! alert! Immortals are a crime against time-rules!!

The invincible all powerful Tardis can't handle this, so it flies to the end of the universe, where the last remnants of humanity are hiding inside crappy industrial base. They're going to climb into a big rocket and fly to Utopia to escape the end of the universe.

Old Professor can't get the rocket to work though- but The Doctor can! Everyone piles into the rocket and it takes off. Bye humanity! See you in Utopia!

Team Tardis and Old Professor and Professor Assistant are going to take the Tardis to Utopia, but first, they gotta push some buttons in the Death Basement first.
Anyone who goes into the Death Basement will catch fire and die, luckily Captain Jack is immortal! While he's in there pushing the buttons, Jack and Doctor chat about what's been going on, making sure to drop in a bunch of keywords about Time Lords and Time Travel and stuff.

Old Professor is listening in and all these time lord words are triggering weird memories. Martha notices that he has a Magic Watch!!!! That's a thing that disguises a Time Lord as a Human, even changing their memories so that they think they are human! Old Professor must have survived the Time War by turning into a human!

He opens the Magic Watch and turns back into.... The Master!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of The Doctor's greatest enemies, an evil Time Lord!!! Master opens up the gates to let the werewolves into the base. Then he gets into the Tardis and ditches everyone else in the future.

Kills: one guy dies to demonstrate Death Basement, one werewolf dies while sabotaging the base. Professor Assistant gets killed by Master also.
Bosses Defeated: Jack dies while riding the Tardis from the outside, and also dies like, a bunch of times in the Death Basement.
Births: Master's identity is back! Oh and he regenerates from Old Professor into Prime Minister.
Overall Rating: Werewolves/10

Moral of the Story: If there are a bunch of werewolves trying to get into your base, don't have a single button that's labeled "let the werewolves into base." What if someone presses it by accident, or if someone turns evil and presses it on purpose?

10th dr, s2, e12

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SpoilerThe Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver to follow Master back to present day! Master has already been there for 18 months though, posing as a politician, and using satellite signals to brainwash people into voting for him. Now he's the Prime Minister!!!


A fun moment when the Master kills all the other politicians and becomes Super Prime Minister.

Master sends the police to capture Doctor & friends, but they escape! Doctor invents invisibility necklaces, and they sneak into the Master's giant airship. Master has a bunch of alien friends, who are little metal balls that fly around and stab people. There's a whole bunch of these guys! six billion of these metal balls come down to earth and are told to kill one tenth of the humans.

Master uses his laser screwdriver to turn Doctor into an old man, and also tapes Captain Jack to a wall. Martha escapes though, and she's gotta figure out a way to save the day next episode!!!

Kills: 10 politicians, 1 private investigator who realized that the new Prime Minister is evil, and also the US President died in this episode.
Bosses Defeated: Master shoots Jack during the episode's climax
Births: 6 billion metal ball babies!
Overall Rating: 1/10 of the human population killed.

Moral of the Story: "Decimate" means to remove 1/10 of something. I hope you learned something today cause that's all I can think of for this episode.

10th dr s2 e13 (season finale)

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SpoilerMartha has spent a year travelling around the devastated Earth, visiting people hiding in basements and stuff. She's been gathering parts for a gun that can kill Time Lords without them regenerating. She meets some Bloke, and also some Woman. She tells them her plan about the gun. They also find out the metal ball babies are actually the humans who took that big rocket to Utopia! Apparently Utopia was real, and it's just a metal ball factory. Master brought all these babies back in time, and turned the Tardis into a Paradox Machine, thus allowing ball babies to kill their own ancestors without erasing themselves from history!

Woman phones the Master, telling him about Martha's gun. Master comes and captures Martha and brings her to his big airship! There, the Doctor has been aged so much that he's turned into a house elf, and Captain Jack has been chained to a wall. They're all brought in to watch Master's Plan Phase 2 happen!

Over the past year, Master and his babies have been building missiles to launch at all the planets so he can conquer the whole universe! The rockets are about to launch! 10, 9, 8, 7, wait something is happening!!!

Martha reveals that the Time-Lord killing gun was made up! She just use that idea to trick the Master into capturing her. And while she was travelling the world, she was telling everyone she met that "during the countdown, think about The Doctor!"

Oh wow! The hypnotizing satellites have had their psychic polarities reversed! Since everyone is thinking about the Doctor, now the Doctor is turned young again, and The Doctor beats up Master. So really this plan would have worked whether or not Martha was captured and brought to the airship, but, whatever.

Captain Jack runs over to the Tardis and destroys the Paradox Machine, killing all of the metal ball babies and also reversing time by one year, undoing all the damage Master did to the Earth! Only the people who were on the airship at the time can remember what happened!

The Master's Prime Minister Wife, who was evil, but has decided not to be evil anymore, shoots Master using a regular gun! Master says "fuck it!" to regenerating and dies, making The Doctor the last remaining time lord.

Except the Master had planned this and stuck some magic juice into his ring so he can be brought back to life in season 4 but whatever.

Anyways, Captain Jack says his goodbyes to Martha and Doctor, making sure to go off on a weird tangent about how his childhood nickname was Face of Boe, so that the audience can be like "omg the face of boe character from that other episode was jack all along!"

Then Martha goes back to med school and Doctor is all alone again when the invincible all powerful tardis has its walls smashed into by The Titanic, leading into the Christmas special for that year.

Deaths: 6 billion metal babies, the Master
Bosses Defeated: Jack gets stabbed a bunch of times by metal babies while trying to get to the Paradox Machine.
Births: House elf doctor is created and then thankfully unbirths itself later by hacking into the mainframe
Overall Rating: 10/10... 9/10... 8/10... 7/10.... (this is the countdown that gives Doctor his strength back)

Moral of the Story: If you're going to stick a human body into a metal ball, make sure you leave the face intact so that when someone opens up the metal ball, they can see the human face in there and be like "oh my gosh, these metal ball babies are actually humans!"

Torchwood s2 e1

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SpoilerAfter a brief vacation on Doctor Who, Captain Jack returns to the team. "Boss, where were you?"
Boss: "Like always, I refuse to tell you guys anything even though there's no reason to keep this one a secret!"

meanwhile, bwoo bwoo, a mystery man has appeared.... it's Spike!
Spike: "hullo it is me, Spike from buffy the vampire slayer, just the actor though, i am a different character because this is a different show"
Random Person: "what... what are you talking about?"
spike: "I kill you! haha!"
Random Person: "blarg i'm dead"
Torchwood: "We detected rift activity!!"
Spike: "yes it was me! i am here now!"
Boss: "omg it's my ex-boyfriend from the future back when I worked for the Time Police!"
Spike: "mhm yes it's me! your ex-boyfriend! I came through the rift to track down three bombs that have fallen through the rift and convenient arranged themselves like a fun scavenger hunt!"
Ethics: "okay let's split into groups to track down each bomb!"
Boss: "wait why are you the boss now?"
Ethics: "because you were gone for like 6 months!"
Boss: "okay well, just keep in mind, Spike is Not Trustworthy! Never turn your back on him!"
Ethics: "okay"

Ethics and Spike go off to find their bomb. It's in a shipping container!
Spike: 'Huhu huhu i'm a creeper!"
Ethics: "ew! I do not trust you and i will not turn my back on you!"
Spike: 'huhuhu the bomb is in here!"
Ethics: "oo look it's the bomb i'm gonna run over, turning my back on you in the process!"
spike: "hu huhuhu ambush attack!"
Ethics: blarg i'm dying!

Nerd and Asshole go off to find their bomb.
Spike: "hu huh uh i shoot you with gun!"
Asshole" ow!"
Nerd: "oh no! i do first aid!"

Secretary and Boss go off to find their bomb.
Spike: "haha secretary i beat you up! i've gravely injured your teammates- can you save them in time???
Secretary: "Ouch! okay i run to help them!"

Asshole: "okay i think I'm fine now!"
nerd: "oh hey secretary what's up?
Secretary: "Guys! I think Ethics is in trouble!"
Nerd: "okay let's go!"
Secretary: "look here she is!"
Ethics: "i'm dying!"
Asshole: "oh no! i do first aid!"
Ethics: "Thanks! But that means Boss is all alone with Spike!"

Boss: "i'm up on the roof and i found the bomb! hey where's secretary?"
Spike: "I push you off the roof!"
Boss: "blarg i'm dead!"
Spike: hahaha no i have all three bombs- but these are not bombs, these are actually Fun Canisters which contain Fun Puzzle Pieces!!!!
Torchwood Team: "Stop right there!"
Spike: "oh gosh you came just in time. too bad your boss is dead haha"
Boss: "hey i'm not dead!"
Spike: "oh that's weird. anyway i guess you guys caught me. but did you know that this Fun Puzzle, when put together, reveals map to Fun Diamond?"
Boss: "oooh money! okay let's do it!"
Fun Puzzle: "haha! I am not map to Fun Diamond!! I am actually bomb!!!! I attach to Spike!"
Spike: "oh fuck oh shit help!!!"
Team Torchwood: "fuck you you dickstain, enjoy your bomb, it's what you deserve"
Spike: "I take ethics as hostage!"
Team Torchwood: "okay we will disable the bomb! Now go away Spike, go back to the future you huge jerk!"
Spike: "Okay fine see you. by the way boss, your brother is alive, okay bye!!!!"
Boss: "wait what?????"

Artifact: Fun Puzzle! You can get one of these by murdering an alien to find their diamonds! But be careful! The diamond isn't real- this fun puzzle is actually a bomb for revenge kill!

Kills: Spike killed an alien trying to get the diamond map, and kills a random person too
Bosses Defeated: Jack gets pushed off a roof and goes splat.
Births: Fun Puzzle is created!
Total Score: 200

Moral of the Story: Don't turn your back on untrustworthy people, especially if you've been told not to turn your back on them!

torchwood s2 e2

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SpoilerUh oh! 2 robbers breaks into a house. The husband and wife that live there are scared when suddenly? whoa whoa! the two robbers have been sliced apart!??? how could this have happened!!!

Police: It was probably the husband who did it, because he's a man so he's strong and powerful!
Torchwood: u uuuu the wife is giving off weird electrical signals. let's do a blood test!
Blood Sample needle: "oof!! wife's skin is impentrable!!!!"
Wife: boohooo hoo obut i'm just a regular human!
Torchwood: "no u are an alien! Let's do a super scan!"
Wife: beep boop. I am a robot disguised as a human.
Wife: whoa what?? But I thought i was a human...

Whoa! How many other humans are walking around completely unaware that they are secretly killer robots!

Torchwood: "hey wife, would you like us to disable your robot parts?"
Wife: "yes please, i want to be back with my husband."
Torchwood: "okie dokie, you shouldn't have any risk of turning into a killer robot now!"
Other Killer Robots: "beep boop connection loss detected! one of our units has been compromised! commencing evil plan now!"
Torchwood: "oh no! the only way to stop them is to re-enable Wife's robot parts!"
Wife: "I'm going to use my robot powers to help you! According to my GPS, the evil robots are at the Nuclear Missile storage building!"
Killer Robots: "we are going to launch the nukes!"
Torchwood: "we have hacked your system and defeated you!"
Killer Robots: "curses, we have been defeated!"
Torchwood: "thank you Wife for helping us save the world!"
Wife: "I would still like to not be a robot anymore- I'm afraid that i might lose my human personality one day and turn on you guys."
Torchwood: "don't worry we can help you"
Wife: "ummm I'm totally evil right now!!!! oh no!! if only someone could shoot me so I can't hurt anyone!"
Torchwood: blam blam blam!
Wife: "thank you, i am dead"

Artifact: Killer Robot! These killer robots look and act just like humans! Hide some of these on Earth and they will blend right in! But be careful, their human personalities are genuine! If they find out their true nature, they will try to protect humans instead of killing them!

Kills: two robbers, Husband gets stabbed by accident by Wife losing control of her robot hand, a bunch of soldiers at the nuke building, like 20 innocent bystanders, and four killer robots in total.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 4 killer robot personalities emerge!
Total Score: 5,304,500

Moral of the Story: Yo watch out! If your hand turns into a sword without you really controlling it, keep it pointed away from other people at all times!

torchwood s2 e3

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SpoilerPwoowu!! it's 1907 and a hospital is having spooky ghosts show up! Fortunately, Old Torchwood is there to investigate! a portal opens up and there's Future Tommy and Nerd! Tommy says "u uuu, find 1907 me and freeze me! here are some instructions! time loop!"

So 1907 Torchwood finds 1907 Tommy and freezes him. Every year Torchwood unfreezes Tommy for one day to perform medical checkup. 100 years pass, but for Tommy, it's 100 days. Now it is 2007 and the hospital is having spooky ghosts again!

So according to the instructions, they need to send Tommy back into the time portal back to 1907 with a Time Key and some instructions, that way the time loop will be completed and history won't explode! But doing so will kill Tommy- and Tommy and Nerd have fallen in love!

Too bad. Tommy reluctantly meets up with Old Torchwood and says "u uuu, find 1907 me and freeze me! here are some instructions! time loop!" Then he uses Time Key and history doesn't explode.

Artifact: Time Key! This handy dandy device can keep history from exploding. But be careful! If you forget to press the button on the side, history will explode anyway!

Kills: Tommy dies saving history from exploding
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: no
Total Score: 100

Moral of the Story: If you make a device that prevents history from exploding, design it so that it will go off automatically. Otherwise Tommy might forget to push the button and history will start to explode and you'll have to do some time bullshit to push the button- a real hassle.

torchwood s2 e4

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SpoilerYummy yummy! A delivery truck has crashed and it's full of tasty tasty meat! Why is this meat so tasty? Cause it's alien meat! But Ethics' Boyfriend is the boss of Delivery Truck company! He sees his girlfriend Ethics, and the torchwood team investigating his delivery truck! That's weird! The past year, Ethics has been telling him that she's just doing a desk job! She's lying?!?!

Boyfriend follows Ethics to work. Ethics is at the alien meat factory with the torchwood team, sneaking around! But Boyfriend is bad at sneaking, so Butcher captures Boyfriend!

Butcher: "What are you doing here Boyfriend!?"
Boyfriend: "um um, well i'm boss of delivery truck company, and, uh delivery truck crashed and... i wanted to check on it..."
Butcher: "Oh okay! We told delivery driver to keep this a secret- so either you join the alien meat crime group or we beat you up!"
Boyfriend: "I guess I'm joining the Alien Meat Crime Group!"

Uh oh- Ethics sees Boyfriend and Butcher. She doesn't hear them, but is apparent that Boyfriend is buddy buddy friends with Butcher!!
That night at home, Ethics and Boyfriend confront each other!

Ethics: "how come you are working with crime group!"
Boyfriend: "I'm not! I had to pretend to be just so i could escape! Why are you lying to me about your job!"
Ethics: "well because if i told you aliens were real you would have freaked out"
Boyfriend: "oh fuck aliens are real i'm freaking out! Wait why am I freaking out? I already know aliens are real, I saw one at the alien meat place."

So they hatch a plan- Boyfriend will continue to work for alien meat crime group, and team torchwood will hide in his truck in order to get in!
Space Whale: "boohoo, the butchers are harvesting meat from me but i'm still alive!"
Torchwood: "We'll save you!"
Butcher: "No! We are holding Boyfriend hostage!"
Gunfight!!!! Boyfriend takes bullet to save Ethics! Space Whale is euthanized! Bad guys are defeated!

Boyfriend: "phew, thanks for curing me of being shot by bullet. wow. so now i know what my girlfriend's job is."
Boss: "we're going to erase your memory though"
Ethics: "No!!! I can't lie to Boyfriend any longer!"
Boss: "okay fine"

Alien Artifact: Space Whale! This big baby is an infinite source of meat! Just make sure you sedate it or it will break the chains and start crushing people!

Kills: Space Whale
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: no
Total Score: 14000

Moral of the Story: When you realize your girlfriend is lying about her job, confront her about it immediately- don't follow her to work! You might get captured by criminals and forced to work for them! Oh also, don't lie to your boyfriend about what your job is. It will really strain your relationship.

torchwood s2 e5

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SpoilerAh, a nice lovely day at the Torchwood office. We got our lovely cast of characters, Boss, Secretary, Nerd, Asshole, Ethics, and we can't forget about Buddypal! He's the best friend and he's been here the whole time!!! Woowee! We love Buddypal! Everyone's favorite character!

Wait, Ethics comes home and doesn't recognize Boyfriend! What happened to her memories?!
And Secretary looks at his diary and sees no mention of Buddypal anywhere!
Secretary confronts Buddypal! But Buddypal implants a bunch of memories of Secretary being evil to torture him!

Secretary: 'boohoohoo i'm evil..."
Boss: "What?? You're not evil... i'm gonna look at the surveillance footage"
Surveillance footage: "Look at how Buddypal didn't exist until today, and is also messing with everyone's memories!"
Buddypal: "Curses! You caught me! I'm a memory entity- I can only exist if people remember me!"
Boss: Okay everyone eat these amnesia pills!
Buddypal: "NooOOOoo I'm dead! shiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt"

They all wake up with no memory of what happened yesterday. Boss didn't write a note explaining what happened to that missing day, but fortunately, none of the team members care for some reason! I guess Ethics will be surprised and Boyfriend says "boy I'm glad you remember me again!"

Artifact: Amnesia Pills! These handy dandy pills are a fun new way of forgetting stuff! Just make sure you write a note like "Hey Self, no cause for alarm. I had to amnesia in order to kill an evil memory alien so don't worry about it!" or you might go "ahh panic why are my memories missing!"

Kills: Buddypal gets erased!
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: Buddypal climbs out of the Rift and implanted memories in order to sustain himself!
Total Score: can't remember

Moral of the Story: If someone discovers your evil plan, don't torture them and give yourself away. Instead just erase their memories of your evil plan!

Torchwood s2 e6

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SpoilerHi hi! It's Martha from Doctor Who! I'm here to help for the next three episodes!

Some weird murders are happening! Big Pharma has a new drug that cures every disease! Too bad the drug is made out of alien eggs! Big Pharma has to send assassins kill all the patients of Egg Drug in order to keep eggs from hatching!

They send Martha in to get some info- but she is captured! Uh oh! Can they save her in time before egg hatches? Yes.
Big Pharma Scientist is mad that torchwood ruined his business, so he shoots Asshole and Asshole dies!!!!

Artifact: Unpregnator! This awesome alien device can be used to kill unborn children without harming the mother! Just make sure you aim it correctly or you might kill the mother anyway!

Kills: like 5 patients are killed, assassin dies, like a thousand alien wasps die, Asshole dies, and big pharma scientist dies.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: like a thousand alien wasps!!!
Total Score: 100800

Moral of the Story: If you're sticking alien eggs into people, make sure you KEEP the patients in your own building until the eggs hatch. Otherwise, you'll have to send an assassin to track them down later. That might attract unwanted attention from Torchwood!

torchwood s2 e7

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SpoilerOh no!!! Asshole is dead!!! Everyone is dead! Asshole hasn't been as much of an asshole this season! Hold on- Boss has an idea!

Boss visits Alien Fortune Teller, the character we see only this one time and never learn anything else about ever again. Alien Fortune Teller tells Boss where the other Risen Mitten is, and then never becomes relevant ever again.

Tada! Boss has acquired Risen Mitten 2! The Right Hand Risen Mitten was destroyed in s1 e8! But this is Left Hand Risen Mitten! Asshole is brought back to life- permanently! Now Asshole is a Zombie, but fortunately his mind is completely intact.

Creepy!!!! Risen Mitten 2 comes to life but they destroy it!

Uh oh! It's a spooky skeleton man! It attacks a hospital! According to legend, if Spooky Skeleton kills 13 people, it will be strong enough to kill the entire earth!
It kills 12 people, but fortunately the hospital has been evacuated! Asshole and Spooky Skeleton get into a fist fight, and Spooky Skeleton gets erased from existence.

Hooray! The day is saved, spooky skeleton is defeated, and Asshole will spend the rest of the show as a Zombie.

Artifact: Risen Mitten 2! This fun little glove is great for bringing people back to life! Unlike Risen Mitten 1, it lasts permanently instead of only two minutes. But be careful- every time you use it, a Spooky Skeleton will come and start being spooky!!! Oh also the mitten itself will try to strangle you.

Kills: Spooky Skeleton dies, but claims 12 victims first.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 1 Zombie Asshole, 1 Spooky Skeleton, and 1 Animated Risen Mitten!
Total Score: 13

Moral of the Story: So you've been turned into a zombie and your digestive system doesn't work anymore. So when you stand on your head to puke it all out DO IT OUTSIDE!!! SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN THE FLOOR, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!

torchwood s2 e8

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SpoilerSqueaky Squeaky! Asshole is a Zombie now. No growing back from paper cuts, no mending of your broken bones, no body heat, no sleeping, eating or fucking. Asshole is miserable! Angry Emotions! You know the drill.

Fortunately, these abilities prove useful when he has to infiltrate Old Man's House! a weird energy signature is coming from inside! But there are body heat sensors! And the only way to disable the alarms is to electrocute yourself! Asshole walks right in, says some edgy stuff, beats up some security guard and confronts Old Man.

Old Man is on his deathbed, and is holding Alien Bomb!
Old Man: "I like this fun artifact. It's shiny and it's keeping me from dying!"
Asshole: "no, that's bomb and you're dying anyway!"
Old Man: "aw darn. blehhh i'm dead."
Asshole: "fuck! I can't give CPR cause i'm a zombie without breath!!!"
Alien Bomb: "I'm gonna explode!"
Asshole: "uh oh!"
Alien Bomb: "just kidding, i'm not."
Asshole" oh ok."

Asshole says some motivational lines about not giving up hope and appreciating life while you still can! Because he's a zombie and regrets not being able to enjoy life anymore.

Artifact: Alien Bomb! This shiny goober is really pretty looking! That's all it does! But be careful- it gives off some scary energy readings so people might think it's a bomb. Fortunately it's, not actually a bomb. It's just pretty looking.

Kills: Old Man dies of heart attack
Bosses Defeated: no
births: no
Total Score: no

Moral of the Story: Enjoy life while you can! You might turn into a zombie, so make the best of life before you have regrets!

torchwood s2 e9

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SpoilerMazel Tov! Ethics and Boyfriend are finally getting married! Too bad an Alien Vampire Daddy has stuck its eggs into Ethics. Now Ethics is super pregnant! Now the wedding is going to be super awkward.

But Ethics REALLY wants to have the wedding right now. Removing the alien vampire baby will have to wait.

Uh-oh! Alien Vampire Mommy attacks the ceremony!!! She kills the Best Man! Fortunately, Boyfriend uses the Unpregnator from 3 episodes ago to remove the Alien Baby from Ethics! Then he fights off Vampire Mommy until Boss can arrive and shoot Vampire Mommy with a big gun!

Hooray. The bad guys are dead. They finish the ceremony and throw a party even though everyone should be traumatized and also the Best Man died, remember? But everyone has fun anyway and when the party is over Boss gives amnesia pills to all the guests.

Artifact: Big Gun! This is a cool gun that blows up aliens who are immune to regular bullets! But be careful! Because it's a gun. Guns are dangerous. Do I really have to say this?

Kills: Best Man, Vampire Dad, Vampire Mom and Vampire Baby.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: almost! But Vampire Baby gets Unpregnated.
Total Score:

Moral of the Story: You didn't know anything about this alien baby, but you brought it to a wedding anyway? What if it suddenly burst out of you during the ceremony?
A guy died and it could have been completely avoided if you had just postponed the wedding!

torchwood s2 e10

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SpoilerHonk honk! The circus is in town! This mysterious carnival appears only at night when it is raining. But watch out- if you don't escape, you'll end up trapped in it forever!

But no one goes to circuses anymore. People just stay home and watch youtube instead. But some kid finds an old VHS recording of the spooky haunted carnival! The film is cursed! He plays it and the circus performers step out of the screen and start killing people!!!

Oh no! They are very creepy!!!! Fortunately, if you take a picture of them on your cell phone, and then delete that photo, they will die in real life. Not sure how that works but okay.

Artifact: Ghost Bottle! Creepy Ringmaster can stick people's souls in this bottle! Just bring the souls back to the body to restore them to life. Just make sure you don't drop the bottle. Any souls that spill out will be lost forever!

Kills: Ringmaster managed to pour 5 out 6 of the souls out of the ghost bottle before Boss could delete the photo of him. Also the entire circus gets erased.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: they manage to stick 1 soul back into its body!
Total Score: 1100

Moral of the Story: Yeah they had every type of circus performer EXCEPT a clown! That's right! You don't need to be a clown to be creepy!!!!!

torchwood s2 e11

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SpoilerSLURP! A GUY HAS DISAPPEARED! Gone! Looks like the rift not only dumps aliens into Cardiff, it also sucks people out of Cardiff! Surely Torchwood can do something about this?

Boss says!! NO !!!! NOTHIGN CAN BE DONE ABOUT THIS!!!
Ethics: "But people are disappearing! There's like 50 other missing people!!!!"
Boss: "No! Don't look into this matter any further!"

Ethics investigates further anyway. Turns out, there's a secret island with the missing people on it. It's a secret hospital!
Boss is there and he says "Ethics! I can explain!"
Ethics: "No! You covered this up and I don't want to know why! I'm gonna barge in without thinking!"
Hospital Patient: "uu uuuu I was sucked into the time rift and spat out. I'm 40 years older and disfigured and also insane now"
Boss: "yeah so that's why I have to hide all these guys in a secret hospital. Because of time injuries and stuff."
Ethics: "oh okay. Can their families visit at least?"
Boss: "mmmm okay sure, if the patients are okay enough."

Artifact: Regular GPS. It's just a regular GPS. Global Positioning System. Tells you the locations of stuff. Secretary gave Ethics a GPS to tell her where the secret hospital was. But be careful? Ethics doesn't know how to use a GPS? What?

Kills: Of all the missing people, only 17 survived their time rift travels. So.... i guess 33 deaths then?
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: no
Score: 3300

Moral of the Story: Why was the hospital kept a secret from Ethics? There were no negative consequences of Ethics finding out about it, other than her being mad that it was kept a secret. Stop keeping so many secrets, it's pissing everyone off!

[/spoiler]

Torchwood s2 e12

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SpoilerTada! it's a trip down memory lane. Here's some flashbacks on how all the team members joined Torchwood!

The torchwood team are tricked into going into a building full of bombs! They all survive and as each one is pulled from the rubble their respective backstories are shown.

1800s Torchwood discovers Boss's immortality and recruits him!
Asshole's girlfriend gets killed by an alien parasite! Boss recruits Asshole!
Mafia forced Nerd to build a high-tech weapon, holding her mom as hostage! Boss rescues Nerd!
Secretary helps Boss tame the pterodactyl! Boss hires Secretary!

Artifact: Scary brain bug! This baby parasite can climb into people's brain and give them alzheimers! But be careful- if you try to surgically remove it, it will spoot out a deadly gas!

Kills: Asshole's old GF, the surgical team, and Scary Brain Bug. Oh and in Boss's flashback, a fish alien and the entire old Torchwood team dies.
Bosses Defeated: Boss is blown up by bomb, and in flashbacks, boss is stabbed, electrocuted and shot. Four total deaths!
Births: Baby brain bug!
Total Score: 41300

Moral of the Story: Make sure you give amnesia pills to all the witnesses, or you might have to hire an Asshole just to keep him from following you around everywhere

torchwood s2 e13 (season finale)

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SpoilerKaboom!!! Who could have planted those bombs from the last episode??? It was Spike!

Spike: "I have also bombed the entire city and also unleashed all the bugmen from the sewers!!!!"
Boss: "why?"
Spike: "Because your brother taped a bomb to me so i have to obey!"
Brother: "Yes it is me! Your brother!"
Boss: "omg my brother!!! i'm sorry for accidentally losing you in the future to be attacked by aliens!"
Brother: "Yes well i survived and i want revenge!!!"
Brother buries Boss alive in 0th century, but Boss gets unburied after 1900 years, then hides in the Torchwood freezer for the remaining 100 years!
Boss: "aha! I'm here now! I beat you up!"
Brother: "oh no! i have been defeated!"
Spike: "I have come back to help! I have sent all the bugmen back to the sewers but sorry about all the bombs."
Nuclear Power Plant: "i was damaged by bombs!"
Asshole: "i will sacrifice myself to prevent the nuclear meltdown!"
Nerd: "I was shot by Brother and I'm dying, i love you Asshole"
Asshole: "i love you too Nerd, blehhh i'm dead"
Nerd: "blehhh i'm dead too"

Now there's only Boss, Secretary, Ethics and Boyfriend left in the main cast. The end! the show is over. There's two more seasons but I don't think I will be reviewing them.

Artifact: Torchwood! This fun club is where all the alien fighters hang out at! But be careful though, it's super duper easy to die at this job!

Kills: Like a million people get blown up, Asshole and Nerd die tragically
Bosses Defeated: Boss gets shot, stabbed, buried alive and frozen
Births: no
Total Score: a million

Moral of the Story: Nerd was dying from gunshot for like 20 minutes while everyone else was downstairs celebrating that Brother had been defeated. You should have come up and checked on her ASAP!

Spoilers for Halo and Doctor Who!!

cw:

Show

Spoilersuicide, death

Doctor Who: 10th doctor, season 3, halloween special 2009
The Waters of Mars

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SpoilerIt's.......... The Waters of Mars!  One of the last episodes of the 10th Doctor era, set during 2009 which was just this one year of like only 4 holiday specials

So there's some series-long plot arc whatever about not messing with time or do messing with time but whatever
lets focus on the cool shit

It's the space base on mars!  according to history, this base gets blown up for unknown reasons and everyone dies!  The doctor shows up and is like , oh gee this base is gonna get blown up for unknown reasons and all of you are going to die

and then a water filter breaks, unleashing an ancient, super intelligent virus that lives inside the glaciers of mars!!!

It's the Flood!  the classic surprise villain from Halo has returned in a more literal sense to be about like, the water kind of flood instead of that other thing
everyone who gets touched by the water "just one drop" turns into a water zombie, beings capable of fire-hose blasting water out of their hands and mouth
and this fire-hose blast of water can infect anyone else it hits, and is powerful enough to like, break stuff, like space doors, but only when the plot decides the space door is weak enough.

There's also a point made about how smart this virus is... while it can overtake a body in seconds, it can also choose to wait!
an infected person can unknowingly carry the virus, and the virus will commence zombification only when it's strategically viable!

This brilliant mastermind of a swarm of microscopic entities that can communicate with itself by screaming and has such good plans uses this ability to...infect two people. One will be a water zombie so everyone knows what the virus is capable of.  The second will get suspected to be carrying the virus, so they will get quarantined.  Once quarantined, the carrier will say some creepy stuff like 'we will escape mars and go to earth and consume all life or something'. 

Except they're contained at that point so... why?
Now everyone just knows your plan and can say 'Well we better not let anyone take this horribly contagious supervirus to earth then'

the virus should have just like, not turned anyone into zombies at all.  and just infected everyone.  and then once everyone is infected, then they can zombify up without any resistance and then take the space ship to earth and cause a damp zombie apocalypse
like one more week and it would have spread to the entire water supply
Doctor: "you can't beat water.  water is patient.  water erodes mountains.  and other metaphor stuff about water being patient.  water always wins"
the water: well it's been about three minutes i think it's about time to spring out of hiding when it's easiest for the crewmembers to avoid me

anyway the zombo goes and infects the spaceship pilot and the spaceship pilot is like 'oopsie woospie i'm infected, lemme just hit that self destruct, say something dramatic about how i hate my job.... and now that i've ALMOST lost control of my body i'll hit the big confirm button at the very last possible moment!' kacboom!
anyway the doctor listens to all the crewmembers tragically die one by one saying stuff like 'i've always loved you' and 'i miss my children' over the radio

Doctor gets all sad and says:

"you know what
screw this Fixed Moment in Time bs
i have an invincible all power tardis
i parked it like a mile away but lemme just hack this segway so that it drives over with its ROCKET BOOSTERS and reaches the tardis and tells it to come save everyone in just the nick of time

and he's going all mad with power and saying all twenty of his catchphrases with a maniacal grin while all three survivors are like 'what the fucccckkkk
and the segway's remote controls are shaking like CRAZY

Mars Base Captain: 'so you saved us and messed with time.'
Doctor: 'yeah i can do what i want'
Universe: 'you know you guys keep talking about not messing with fixed moments in time or else i'll explode'
Doctor :' i don't fucking give a shit'
Captain: 'i do, i'm kill myself"
Doctor: ' okkay i guess i kinda went a bit too far'

Then some rando alien shows up and stares at the doctor!
Rando Alien: "Have you learned your lesson"
Doctor: ' No i did not learn my lesson'
And then the rando alien disappears and the episode ends!  That's some season-long plot arc stuff so whatever!

Overall rating:

Deaths: like a bazillion viruses got nuked, six humans got turned into water zombies, and the captain died
Births:  history was altered so a total of two humans survived instead of no humans
Net Death/Birth Results: One Flood and 5 humans dead

Moral of the Story: If your goal is to SNEAK your way to earth, then don't tell everyone what your plan is.  also don't mess with time idk
Villain:  The Flood, a supersmart zombie virus hivemind with the power of water hose arms

Cheesiest moment: when two water zombies were on all fours on the roof puking water out of their mouths like the worlds silliest Squirtles.
Other Cheestiest Moment:  how the segway has rocketboosters on it that do nothing unless someone hacks them, and also they make whoever is holding their remote controls go 'wuwuauawuwahuawuhwuahh rocket boosters shaky shaky shaky!!!!!!"


Overall Rating: H2O/10

wow it's been a while.
over the past 7 months I've watched torchwood, and random episodes from 2008 and such.... but now I've finally gotten around to finishing......

dr13 s2 ep10 (season finale)

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SpoilerTimuYesterday at 7:57 PM
I finally watched the last episode of doctor who
Half a year later

CowardYesterday at 8:07 PM
Return of the Timu reviews

TimuYesterday at 11:54 PM
PREVIOUSLY ON DOCTOR WHO:
here's all the season-long plot threads and mysteries!

1. the Master, doctor's time lord archenemy, like, went to Gallifrey, the time lord home planet, and like, killed everyone there,

2. captain jack, the character from season 3 thirteen years ago, returns briefly to give a cryptic message: "don't give the lone cyberman what it wants"

3. also in season 3 thirteen years ago, there was a time lord tech that can be used to disguise a time lord so well, that they turn into a human and also forget that they are a time lord.
apparently, an older doctor had done space crimes and has used this tech to hide from the space police.
Except, we've never seen this doctor before? we've had the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc.... 8th doctor, war doctor, 9th doctor, 10th , 11th, 12, and we are on 13th doctor now
and none of those doctors were this Mystery Doctor. so... whats up with that?

4. the lone cyberman named Asshat shows up in 1850! "Give me my cyberbaby or i will kill some humans"
Doctor: "captain jack said dont do this, but i'll do it anyway to save the humans"
Asshat: haha now that i have my cyberbaby, will go back to the cyberfuture and wreack some cyberhavoc

5. Team Doctor travels to the cyberfuture to stop this cyberhavoc from being cyberwreaked!
there was a huge cyberwar, of which there are only a few survivors:
Asshat and two cybermen
and the human survivors are:
Leader, Optimist, Pessimist, and Smart Kid
they all get separated!
Leader, Optimist, Pessimist and the doctor friends Jas and Graham (LOPJG) have ended up on an old Cybercarrier, which houses like a bazillion sleeping cybermen. Asshat comes and wakes them all up using the power of his Cyberbaby! Oh no! Cliffhanger, how will LOPJG get out of this mess of being trapped on a cybercarrier full of evil cybermen?
meanwhile, Smart Kid, Doctor and doctor friend Ryan (SKDR) have traveled to the Hope Portal, hoping to rendezvous with LOPJG
instead they find Old Man, who lives at Hope Portal. During the cyberwar, many humans escaped through this Hope Portal, which leads to Gallifrey! and out of the portal hops Master who says "Surprise! Jazz Hands!"

cliffhanger!!!!
------------------------
and now begins the Season Finale.

on the cybercarrier, Asshat and the cyberarmy attack LOPJG. Optimist is immediately killed.
LPJG find some cybermen armors that haven't been waken up. they are full of human remains but fortunately we are spared the details of how they dump the contents and hide in the empty shells
LPJG are now disguised as cybermen!

Meanwhile!
Master says, "Doctor, come with me or i will kill your friends!"
Doctor says ok fine, and Master and Doctor go through the Hope Portal to the ruins of their home planet.

Master: it's time for some exposition! Doctor sit right here on this Time Lord infodumping machine! the machine will show you some backstory while I narrate!

a long long time ago, the very First Time Lord was flying through space. time travel hadn't even been invented yet at this point, so they were just called Space Lords or something
Space Lord finds an alien at some weird Dimension Portal or whatever that leads to another dimension or some really important shit
Space Lord: I don't care about any of that stuff, i'm adopting this alien baby i just found
Space Lord and her new baby go back to Gallifrey, where, Space Lord being a bad parent, allows alien baby to play with the neighborhood kids at the local clifftop
alien baby falls to their death, but miraculously, regenerates into a new body!
this is the First Regeneration ever!!
Space Lord is like HOLY SHIT! my kid was dead and now my kid is alive and looks different. time to do SCIENCE

WhimbrelToday at 12:17 AM
I love exposition machines the best

TimuToday at 12:18 AM
like 60 alien baby regenerations later:
Space Lord: I have cracked the code of Regeneration, and i'm going to inject it into my body!!! Now that I have regeneration, you can call me a Time Lord, just so it is easier for Timu to describe this!
First Time Lord: i'm a time lord now, i have regeneration!
other space lords: can we have regeneration too?
time lord: no. also i'm your boss now
space lords: ok :(
and so
that is the story of how the Time Lord species came to be!

Doctor: so what happened to that alien baby?
Master: that baby.....
Master: was....
Master: YOU
Doctor: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so
shit
uh go back to my list of season arc plot threads

WhimbrelToday at 12:23 AM
"impossible I was never a baby"

TimuToday at 12:25 AM
6. in some random british 1950s village, a guy finds a baby on the road. the baby grows up to be a policemen and falls off a cliff while fighting crimes. but then he miraculously survives the fall. as an old man, this retiring policemen is strapped to a science chair by his adoptive father and the police chief, neither of whom have grown any older. the science chair activates, apparently wiping the memory and probably doing other stuff. what the fuck is going on and what relevance does this have to anything else??!

okay back to the episode
doctor: impossible i was never a baby
master: but you were they just erased your memories!
doctor: oh i'm having flashbacks to that 1950s village... that was me!
*the flashbacks warp, replacing retiring policeman, adoptive dad, and police chief with alien baby and some time lords *
doctor: wow that was all my origin story, inexplicably altered to replace its cast and setting with a 1950s village!!! why?
time lord infodumping machine: .........

master: anyway now that this unnecessarily complicated origin story has been expositioned! we now know that...
doctor: my god
doctor: i was an alien the whole time
doctor: oh also this explains what the Mystery Doctor from a few episodes is, they ARE me. they wiped my memories at some point before I became the 1st doctor
Master: anway i'm gonna go hang out with Asshat, the cyberman now, see ya

doctor: now i'm all alone, still trapped in the infodump machine.... how can i escape... oh I know, i'll overload it by thinking REALLY hard about all my past lives!
extremely fast memory montage of 1 second archival footage clips of the entire doctor who series
infodumper: fuCKKK i'm OLVERORLORADED
doctor: haha i'm free, now I must go and stop master from doing evil things!
---------
Meanwhile...

Master: hi asshat, I'm master
Asshat: hi i'm the cyberman leader, and I have a cyberbaby. Cyberbaby is a weird blob of science bullshit. it gave me a Death Particle, which can be used to wipe out all organic life on a planet. i plan on making it so cybermen are 100% machine with no organic parts at all! then the cybermen will be cybercyber!
Master: so, robots. you're going to be robots
Asshat: yes, the death particle will remove all the organic parts of all the cybermen and we will be just robots
Master: i have a better idea

the master kills asshat using his shrink ray!

Cyberbaby: oh, asshat is turned into a little tiny action figure... uwu
Master: you belong to me now, cyberbaby! and with out powers combined we will create CyberLords!!!!
Master: since I learned the secret of regneration from the infodump machine, I will combine that with cybermen to create cyberlords!!!
Instead of being like robots with human bodies trapped inside... it will be the same thing but the human bodies can regenerate now
now the Cyberlords are unstoppable! except from drowning... getting shot twice.... uhhh... dying twelve times...
-----

Meanwhile....
Smart Kid, Ryan and Old Man are still at the Hope Portal, and they are being attacked by cybermen! oh no! cybermen are attacking them and they are cornered and about to die when....
the cybermen pop their helmets off
it's us! Pessimist, Leader, Jas and Graham!!!
we infiltrated the cybermen and saved you and stuff!
The Doctor: hi it's me again! the whole group is reunited! and now we must stop the cyberlords!

WhimbrelToday at 12:41 AM
it'd be funny if they wer ejust like "we inflitrated the cybermen! ....by becoming cybermen! great strat!"

TimuToday at 12:41 AM
yaya
they tape a couple of bombs to the cybercarrier's death-star-core, which blows up the whole thing in a chain reaction, there's some action sequences where they are running from the dangers and stuff uhh

then doctor puts all of the humans into one of the Tardis that are on gallifrey and sets the controls to send them back to earth.
doctor: you must all go and escape... i must confront the Master all by myself

Master: hello so you may have blown up all of the Regular Cybermen but me and my cyberlords are still here haha!
Doctor: well i found the Death Particle on Asshat's tiny corpse! and I've taped it to this detonator button! this will kill you, me, and all of the cyberlords!!!

Updated List of Things That Can Kill Time Lords Permanently:
1. Drowning
2. Getting shot twice in quick succession
3. Death Particle

WhimbrelToday at 12:46 AM
4. Become Human

TimuToday at 12:46 AM
oh yeah good call

Master: hoo hoo hoo yes I see you found the death particle. I planned for this. I set this all up so you would be in the situation where you would have to sacrifice yourself in order to save the universe! it's a win-win situation for me cause i'm crazYYY jazz hands
Doctor: it's true... you did set this all up... forcing me to destroy what's left of my home planet, and myself, and all that's left of my home and stuff, going against all of my morals or whatever.... you're right, i just can't do it
Master: haha! figured! and now me and my cyberlords will go and destroy the universe haha!

Old Man: hey uh, it's me again, I know you put me and the other humans on that spare tardis to go to escape to earth, but you uh, left the door unlocked so, here i am
Doctor: oh i guess this works out
Old man: yeah give me that death particle detonator thing
Doctor: cool so uh, thanks, and uh, bye

the doctor leaves on another spare tardis

Master: curses!!!! my plans have been foiled!!!
Old Man: i push the button
Cyberlords: arghhhhhh we are dead foreverrrrrrrrrr
Master: I'm definitely dead! There's no possible way I could have survived this death particle explosion! It's completely impossible for me to ever come back in a future episode ever again!!!!
cyberlords: same with usss we are effectively gone and done for and doctor who will never see the likes of either of us classic enemies againnnn

WhimbrelToday at 12:52 AM
I'm so glad I can trust the Doctor Who series to destroy these heinous villains forever

TimuToday at 12:52 AM
---------------------
all the humans except Old Man: hooray we have made it back to earth 2020. i wonder what shall happen next season
doctor: thank you tardis #3 for taking me back to My Tardis, my precious lifelong faithful companion tardis, who is invincible and impentrable
tardis #3: oh you're just leaving me here, well alright

WhimbrelToday at 12:53 AM
all humans five minutes after entering 2020 "oh, oh dear something has gone wrong. we gotta fix this timeline"

TimuToday at 12:53 AM
doctor: hehe okay now time to go back 2020 and meet up with the other humans....
space police: FUCK YOUR INVINCIBLE ALL POWERFUL TARDIS
Space police: WE'RE HERE AND YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR SPACE CRIMES
and they just teleport in and out of the invincible all powerful tardis lickety-split to take the Doctor to space jail

and that's the end of season.... 15 or whatever this is!

Captain Jack: wait so am I not in the season finale? I just make a brief appearance in episode 4 to deliver a vague cryptic season-arc sentence and then i just don't show up again? alright
(he will be in the next season)

TimuToday at 1:04 AM
overall rating:

Deaths: Optimist, Old Man, a CyberLord during the regneration demonstration, and like a million cybermen, and the master, and asshat, and the doctor like sixty times in flashbacks
Births: the doctor like sixty times in flashbacks, and a Cyberlord during the regeneration demonstration, and like 20 cyberlords were made

Overall death rate: like a million
Overall rating: Particle/10
the long awaited fusion of overall death rate and overall rating is now possible
thanks to the power of the Overall Death Rating: Death Particle/10

Moral of the Story: if your plan can be completely unraveled with the push of a button, don't dismiss it just because your archenemy won't be able to bring themself to push that button. You have more than one enemy, so don't underestimate them!

Episodes that get referenced by this one:

dr13, s1 e4
dr13 s1 e5
dr 13, season 1, episode 11 (new years special)
All of these are found with in post #6 above which is also what this link takes you to: https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=4677&pid=241082#pid241082

and also dr13 s2 ep10 (season finale) which is in the post right above this one.

now here is:

dr13 s2 ep11 (new years special)

Show

Spoilergood morning
it's that time again
PREVOUSLY ON DOCTOR WHO.................
it's the new years special of 2019!  Boy Scout Dalek landed on earth thousands of years ago, was killed by medieval people, and now it has been unearthed and comes back to life, and now it goes to the workshop and builds a makeshift Dalek Armor suit for it out of shoddy earth materials but it is still very strong
but not strong enough!  the doctor and her friends throw a microwave at it and it dies and melts
then the doctor and her friends fly away!  the day has been saved!  but what about the clean up crew
they just left a dead dalek behind
no worries, the government will take it to the warehouse but uh ohs....  the driver gets killed!

(prevously on Dr13, s1 e4, a Donal Trumplike guy makes giant spiders by dumping toxic waste)

Show

Spoiler"dr13, s1 e4
SpoilerHide
n todays episode of Dr who
a conspiracy is confirmed
Trump builds landfills under his hotel to make more money
and due to skipping proper disposal safety procedures, toxic waste + radioactive spiders = giant spiders attack uk
the issue kinda resolves itself I guess
apparently when they get to Car-Size they collapse under own weight
and Trump gets away with it
the end
(it's not actually Trump it is fictional trumplike person)"

Donald Trumplike is back, and Britain's corrupt prime minister is working with Trumplike!
and Trumplike's men stole the dead dalek's shell in order to prototype study it to make more...

on todays episode of dr who
a sonspircy is confirmed

Trump builds a Dalek-styled Police Drone that police can use to hurt people
but it's not real daleks it's just 3d printed

the scientist tells trumplike oh yeah remember that dalek shell you gave me
i found alien dna in it, cloned it, and i gave it a smart phone specifically because I wanted to see how good at hacking it was!  I'm so proud of my baby it's already using your money to hire construction workers to build a secret cloning facility in japan!
At no point did i think this was a bad idea!

"Hey so this horrific killing machine that we are reverse-engineering to make more killing machines, well we discovered alien dna in it"
"Lets clone it"
"it's only an alien that used to live in a horror killing machine what could go wrong"

Boy Scout Dalek retains its consciousness as a clone, and takes over the computer systems and hires a bunch of people to build a cloning warehouse to clone even more daleks
then feeds the construction workers to the daleks when they are done building it
then all of the dalek clones get teleported over to all the 3d printed dalek shells that they made and start killing people everywhere oh no!!!!

--------
Meanwhile!
Prevously on the last episode of doctor who: they're on gallifrey, doctor puts the companions into a Spare Tardis and sends them to earth, then doctor goes to her own tardis, but then space police capture her from the Invincible All Powerful Tardis and take her to space jail!

at the start of this episode:
the doctor has now been in space jail for like 40 years

and they had lots of classic doctor who monsters in there
a weeping angel of course, in space handcuffs
the little gremlin baby from a few episodes ago that was capable of eating anything and everything including a space nuclear bomb, so powerful and invincible that the only thing the doctor could do was toss it out the airlock
this hungry hungry space baby was previously that to be completely invincible and able to eat literally everything
kept at bay by the space fence
But space fence is not strong enough to beat Space Hamster Ball apparently!
fortunately Captain Jack managed to also be taken prisoner and brought with him the Space Hamster Ball and that's how they escape

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??Today at 8:15 PM
putting a statue in handcuffs is funny

--------------------------

anyway
doctor can't figure out a way to kill these 3d printed daleks so she gets on her phone and gives an anonymous call to the Actual Daleks to come visit
apparently it's like rock paper scissors!



the Actual Daleks show up and they're like

"omg
these shitty offbrand daleks
are impure"

so the Actual Daleks kill all the 3d printed daleks

and you may think well now there's just a bunch of actual daleks here and how are you supposed to deal with that if you couldn't even beat the 3d printed daleks
that's where the doctor's trap comes in!
it's bombs
captain jack puts some dynamite on the dalek ship and blows them all up

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??Today at 7:42 PM
thank goodness

TimuToday at 7:42 PM
well except some of the daleks weren't on the ship
so for them it's Trap Part 2!

unfortunately!
Trumplike: "hey daleks spare me in exchange i tell you about the Doctor's trap!  She was the anonymous call that brought you here in the first place and she has a trap for you!"
Doctor: " holy fuck trumplike why do you keep fucking everything up what is wrong with you you piece of shit"
Daleks: "Yeah jeez, you're selling out humanity just to save your own skin what the fuck is wrong with you, that's fucked up even by our standards"
....
Doctor: " yeah anyway, yes I admit that I totally have a trap for you here in this tardis, hehehe, come and get me!"
Daleks: "Cool, a trap, I love those"

then the daleks go into that tardis and the door shuts behind them!

Doctor: "haha this isn't my actual tardis, this is that Spare Tardis from the last episode, now i've trapped you inside of the spare tardis and programmed it to self destruct!"
Spare Tardis: "wait, you know that tardises are living beings and we're sentient right?  I'm also invincible and all powerful I probably have something in here that can just kill daleks without killing myself, but, well alright i guess, no one cares about that"

and then it self destructs
hooray all the daleks have been defeated
the issue kinda resolves itself i guess
apparently when a tardis is programmed to collapse in on itself they collapse in on themselves
and Trump gets away with it
the end
(it's not actually trump its a trumplike person)

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??Today at 7:51 PM
a good moral lesson about how we shouldnt give daleks to the police

TimuToday at 7:52 PM

Overall rating:

Villain: Corporate Greed

death rate:  (1) driver, (100) construction workers, (1000) random people, (1) corrupt prime minister, (1) foolish scientist, (1000) offbrand daleks, (1) Boy Scout Dalek, (100) actual daleks, (1) Spare Tardis
birthrate: like a thousand offbrand daleks
overall death rate: like 1103 people and like a hundred actual daleks and one spare tardis
fun fact: Captain Jack did NOT die at all in this episode!  good work!

overall rating: 2021/10

Moral of the story: You can get away with anything if your PR team is good enough

Also if you are a Dalek, and the Doctor, famous for constantly foiling Dalek plans like twice a year, is standing in the doorway of a Tardis shouting "come in and get me hehehe" after a shockingly evil person informs you that the Doctor has set a trap for you...... ..... it's probably a trap don't go in there

Also if you are a scientist and you are told to reverse engineer mysterious burnt out husk of some sort of robot killing machine and you find traces of alien DNA in it then you should probably not clone it and DEFINITELY don't give it a smartphone

Also we shouldn't give Daleks to the police

dr13 s3
The Flux Series.  this 6-part series has so many plot threads that after part 5 i decided to put a glossary here at the start of the whole thing.  The expositional-backstory i put into here is slightly modified from what i wrote part5's review on discord.  after part 6 i will probably make further adjustments to this.

Show

Spoilerso uh, the previous season finale we learn that the doctor's very very very very very first life long long long long long long long long ago:



the Doctor was just a tiny baby that Cryptic Old Lady found next to a wormhole to another universe. 



"neat.  a baby from another universe.   oh shit.  this baby has so many cool superpowers like regeneration.  now thanks to science, so do me and a bunch of other gallifreyans.  This is the origin of the time lords."



Cryptic old lady went on to become the boss of The Division, an organization that pulls the strings to manipulate history and try to control time and space across the multiverse.
The Division has members of all different species, but they are mostly time lord soldiers.  They also have weeping angels, a dog man, and 0th doctor.



"Hey, stop trying to control Time!"  said Time, which is a concept and is also pissed off.
Time has a handful of powerful people fighting for it: Thanos, and Thanos's Sister, who like to turn things into dust and teleport around.  Also there's a third member of Team Thanos, named Third Guy.  Third guy is actually a robot who is basically a prison on legs.  just shrink people down and shove them in there.



Team Thanos tried to fight back against the Division but lost.
The Division made a Triangle Temple, and put Time in it.  Like the myth of Atlas, who held the sky on his shoulders, there are four aliens with horse-feeding-bags who carry Time.  These Time Atlas Aliens control Time and makes sure it doesn't try to wipe out the universe or anything.
Thanos was sent to jail, Thanos's sister was turned into a human woman and had her memories erased, and Third Guy died.



Having conquered Time, the Division no longer needed the services of 0th doctor.  Wiped all her memories and thus started 1st doctor and the show Doctor Who, none the wiser of what Division had done. 

At the end of the previous season, the doctor learned of the existence of the Division.  Cryptic Old Lady wants it to stay a secret, and is willing to destroy the universe to keep the truth from getting out.  She engineers the escape of Thanos from prison, knowing that Thanos would go free Time from the Triangle Temple, thus allowing Time to unleash a Dust Wave that would destroy the universe.  This is.... the Flux.

In part 1, the Doctor empties the Tardis latrine at the Dust Wave, preventing it from completely destroying the universe.  The universe is only half-destroyed.  Will the Doctor be able to stop the villains from killing the survivors, and maybe even find a way to undo the damage?   Find out in Doctor Who: The Flux.

----
cast list:
The Doctor: it's the main character.  the 13th doctor, Dr13.
Yaz: the remaining companion from the past few years
Dan: It's Dan!

Villains:
Cryptic Old Lady: the doctor's mom and boss of Division.  wants to destroy the universe to keep Division a secret and to keep The Doctor from interfering with her plans.
Time: a pissed off concept who hates Space.  will obliterate the universe with a Dust Wave if given the chance.
Thanos: wants to destroy the universe on behalf of Time.  Actual name is Swarm.
Thanos's Sister: Thanos's Sister. Actual name is Azure.
Third Guy: a humanoid robot that can hold up to a million prisoners, all shrunken down.  There were at least five Third Guys at one point.  Actual name is Passenger.
Sontarans: the fun potato aliens who like war.  After the Dust Wave wiped out half the universe, the Sontarans move in to conquer the survivors.
Rogue Angel: one of the Weeping Angel hitmen who went AWOL.  on the run from the Weeping Angel Hitmen and doesn't mind endangering humans along the way.
Weeping Angel Hitmen:  wants to capture Rogue Angel, and doesn't mind attacking innocent civilians along the way.  They are jerks who like to scare people and send them back in time. Can only move when unobserved.
Space Senator: a senator of an alien civilization.  The only difference between Space Senator and a human senator is that space senator is part of an alien civilization's government and has nothing to do with earth.  They are otherwise exactly like a human senator:  they look exactly like a regular human, they have a cruel cutthroat backstabbing snobbish personality, and they contain several snakes inside of their body.   Later he ends up on Earth and becomes a founding member of UNIT.  (the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce for dealing with alien stuff.)  What could he be plotting??

Other People:
Dog Man: extremely competent dog man.  used to work for Division, but not anymore.  now leads the Dog People, who have come to Earth in order to protect them against the Flux.
Vinder: used to be Space Senator's bodyguard.  Tried to whistleblow Space Senator's corruption, and ended up imprisoned on a Space Station outpost.  Had to escape from the Dust Wave in an escape pod and ended up hanging out with Team Doctor for a bit as like a pseudo-companion.
Tamogotchi Girl: Vinder's significant other.  Wandering around looking for Vinder in the post-DustWave universe.  Has a tamogotchi.  Actual name Bel.
Jericho: a fun scientist from 1967 who is pretty cool.  Ends up hanging out with Team Doctor for a bit, as like a pseudo-companion.
Claire: a human from modern times.  Rogue Angel is hiding inside of her brain.  introduced as "random lady who met the doctor in the past" it turns out she actually only just had visions of the future. (due to Rogue Angel.)
Rich 1820s Guy:  a guy who, in 1820, paid a bunch of workers to dig a bunch of random tunnels under Liverpool.  These tunnels apparently have portals to random places in time and space.
Diane: Dan's girlfriend.  ends up getting kidnapped by Thanos and put into a Third Guy.
Kate: a leader in UNIT.  is a returning character from previous seasons.  Space Senator tried to kill her so she's now in hiding.

ep1 (season premier that happens to take place on halloween)
part 1 of 6 of the Flux Series

Show

Spoilergood morning it's that time of the year again
halloween which means it's time for the annual Doctor Who Halloween Season Premier which is a first in its history

previously on Doctor who ......
1. uhh we found out the doctor had like a bajillion regenerations that happened before the 15 or so that have been documented on television, those past lives were just erased from their memory
2. the current Team Doctor is The Doctor and Yaz, cause the other two people left at the end of the last season

okie
so
Dr and Yaz are handcuffed to a floating space pole suspended over a planet of acid!!!! can they escape before the timer runs out?  yeah but not without a cheesy action sequence
with that out of the way, they can pursue the Dog Man who put them in that death trap

meanwhile on earth
meet dan

(twitter link with four images) https://twitter.com/HTHRFLWRS/status/145...19264?s=20
twitter link transcript:
doctor who's contradictory needs of needing to advertise the new season while also revealing literally nothing about it have created this incredible situation where they keep posting about the new main character by saying his name and nothing else



it's dan

meanwhile on earth in 1820
some rich asshole is digging random tunnels and shit in preparation for the apocalypse or whatever.

meanwhile on earth in 2021 halloween, dog man smashes down the door of dan's house
dan is upset
this giant hulking dog with a glowy space axe just smashed down his door

then the dog says 'i'm an alien who is kidnapping you'
and dan says 'you're the second rudest fucking trick-or-treater that i've ever met.  your costume is good but like you gotta pay for my door you piece of shit'
and the dog is like 'the fuck is wrong with you.  i have a space axe.  i'm a talking dog man.  you've never seen an alien before?'
and dan says 'yeah but it's not christmas is it, dumbass, it's halloween.  doctor who has christmas specials but not halloween specials.  so why the fuck would aliens be attacking on the wrong day of the year.  fix my door or i'm calling the cops, or coppers as they are called here in the uk'
the dog kidnaps dan

meanwhile, there's this super time prison that has been guarding some guy named thanos since the dawn of time, but then that guy escapes.  this guy's name is swarm and he makes everything he touches fall apart into dust so he's thanos now
this is a picture of thanos



look at the expression
idk
i think it's kinda a goofy little smile

andrea — Today at 4:06 AM
it's good

meanwhile, two people living in the arctic hear an alarm.  there's a tiny baby ufo in their garage.  the ufo says 'there's an emergency!!'  the woman says 'fuck your emergency' and smashes the ufo with a hammer.

meanwhile, some random woman on the street says 'hi doctor! you haven't met me yet, but i have met you , cause time travel.' and the doctor says 'i don't give a fuck i gotta find a dog man'
and the doctor leaves and then a weeping angel shows up and touches the random woman (claire)

meanwhile, there's a guy on a space station somewhere, alone.  the guy seems to making a regularly scheduled report.  the guy says "hi, here's my full name, a couple of my most notable character traits and the basic details of my history.  i sit on this space station alone keeping an eye on stuff.  it's boring cause nothing happens but at least looking at stars is nice.  oh shit something is happening.  it looks like thanos is dusting up planets left and right i'm getting out of here, see ya'

meanwhile on dog man's ship:
dan: i'm begininning to think you're not just a guy wearing a costume
dog: yea
doctor: hehe i disabled the security system with a bag of cheetos
dog: actually i'm a good guy?  thanos is about to destroy earth so i rescued dan.  he's my designated randomly selected human for rescue.  the other 8 billion humans are gonna get rescued by the other 8 billion space dogs in like an hour, i was just early cause you've been bothering me
doctor oh okay.  so you got 8 billion space dog space ships?  why not just form a big wall of space dog ships that will protect earth from thanos
dog: that's a good idea
thanos: fuck.  well at least i destroyed neptune.

meanwhile on earth, in the arctic, with those two people who destroyed the little alarm ufo
thanos: hey i'm here in person.
the human husband: dusted
thanos: human woman did you know you're actually my sister
sister: o yea i forgot cause one of those undocumented-doctor-past-lives turned me into a human or something?
thanos: i guess?  idk what's going on.  there were weeping angels earlier?  oh i guess this is the end of this scene bye
sister: oh yes bye, also i look like a girl thanos now and not human

meanwhile on earth, in liverpool:
diane's girlfriend: oh no i'm being kidnapped by thanos's sister

meanwhile in space on a sontaran spaceship:
sontarans: hi we're an involved party

meanwhile at the tardis:
thanos: hi, i'm not here in person, but i'm telling the doctor telepathically that we fought during one of those undocumented-doctor-past-lives, also eat shit and get dusted
invincible all powerful tardis: oh shit noooo

end of episode cliffhanger!!
apparently this is a six-parter
i expected as much given all those fucking plot threads that just got strated

okay lets see all this shit that just happened and showed up in a single scene:
random lady who met the doctor in the past: attacked by weeping angel
dans' girlfriend: kidnapped my thanos's sister
sontarans: did absolutely nothing but laugh evilly
some rich guy in 1820: digging random tunnels for some reason
some guy on a space station: saw the thanos dust wave and took an escape pod

so!
that was a whole lot of nothing really happening.  a whole lot of 'here's stuff to look out for in the next episode'
but hey
at least we met dan

Overall rating:
Villain: Thanos
death rate: baby alarm ufo, at least three random planets, two of thanos's prison guards, thanos's brother-in-law, neptune
birthrate: thanos's sister turns back into thanos's sister
overall death rate: if there were people on those planets i guess no one cares
overall rating: Dan/10
Moral of the Story:
uuuhhhhhhhhh all i can think of is 'when someone sends you an alarm ufo don't smash it with a hammer' but like i still dunno what the deal with the artic people is so idk maybe smashing the alarm ufo is a thing you should do
well hey
you don't have to make a mistake to learn a lesson
moral of the story: even if you do everything right, sometimes you still get kidnapped by weeping angels/kidnapped by thanos's sister/killed by thanos/kidnapped by dogs/dig a weird tunnel/get to laugh evilly/ACTUALLY WAIT

not this time
moral of the story: if a dog shield blocks your dust wave from hitting earth, but you're already on earth un-humaning your sister, then you can probably destroy earth anyway
lemme check the wiki to make sure they actually were on earth otherwise this moral wouldn't work.  yeah okay they actually were on earth.
moral of the story: if you are on earth, in person, and able to turn your brother-in-law and his lamp into dust with your universe-ending powers, you can probably do it to the whole planet whether or not there is are a bunch of dogs covering the atmosphere



also on the wiki, turns out that one of thanos's prison guards was a time lord and thanos just ate the regeneration power, and it's actually a different actor before and after
i totally didn't notice
this is what thanos-species regeneration looks like i guess

different from the time lord glowy flamethrower hands
if i rewatched that scene i will probably notice the face changing and stuff now that i know to look for it
i was too focused on the 'oo fun face spikes retracting and extending'



Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? — Today at 5:06 AM
I think it sounds like maybe there were too many things in that one

dr13 s3 ep2
part 2 of 6 of the Flux Series

Show

Spoiler

Timu — Today at 1:49 PM
doctor who time
it's episode 2 of this flux series
previously on doctor who, the wave of thanos dust was about to hit the tardis
oh no
cliffhanger
doctor finds herself in a monochrome world with a fancy house



that's probably going to be important
not now though
doctor wakes up from the vision, on the Crimean War battleground in 1850. yaz and dan are there too, but then they dissappear because of time nonsense


☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ — Today at 1:54 PM
It's Dan...


Timu — Today at 1:54 PM
as per wikipedia: "The Crimean War[e] was a military conflict fought from October 1853 to February 1856[9] in which Russia Sontarans (the potato baby aliens from doctor who) lost to an alliance of France, the Ottoman Empire, the United Kingdom and just british people Sardinia."

yeah it's dan!!

thanks to all the time thanos dust nonsense, the sontarans snuck in while no one was looking to change the history of earth

now you'd think that if you had time travel and wanted to take over the planet you'd do it right from the beginning, like, dinosaur early, or earlier or something?
the doctor asks the sontaran general why they chose to attack the the crimean war

and the sontaran general was like "uhh it's special cause russia.. something... various bullshit reasons/excuses... " (and then direct quote time) "... and also I wanted to ride a horse"

you are valid sontaran general
thank you for giving me a moral of the story to use at the very end of all this

andrea — Today at 1:58 PM
nodding
sometimes you just want to ride a horse

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ — Today at 1:59 PM
i'm no dr who expert but wasn't "go back to caveman times and take over the earth then" literally the dalek's first plan in the show

Timu — Today at 2:00 PM
i wouldn't be surprised but lemme go check
looking at the plot summary of the very first dalek episode back in 1963
"[The Doctor] conclude that Daleks need radiation to survive and decide to bombard the atmosphere with more radiation."
i thought that was funny
"In order to save them from the Daleks, the TARDIS crew convinces the Thals of the importance of aggression and warfare,"
i'm
gonna assume this sounds less ridiculous if you actually watch these old episodes but
i don't care

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ — Today at 2:10 PM
it was 1963... we thought radiation was good

Timu — Today at 2:11 PM

anyways
then the british general shows up and is like 'i'm misogynistic and i wanna go and fight the sontarans with our bullets and pointy sticks' and the doctor is like 'no that's dumb they have lasers'
then the british general says "treason, go to jail' so doctor gets sent to jail so the sontarans can kill like 10000 british soldiers or something

british general stumbles back and is like 'i lost... can you help me...'

and the doctor is like yeah, so sontarans need to go to the bathroom and eat every 27 hours for 7.5 minutes and they all do it at the exact same time
so that's when we should go dump their food

and the sontarans are like 'oh no... our food... we gotta retreat... boohoo'

and then they start to leave but then the british general was like
yeah you told us to go dump the dinners but we did that and also planted tnt

and then all the sontarans blow up
then all tardis, which has been malfunctioning this whole time, suddenly works again, and takes the doctor to go fetch dan
it's dan

meanwhile
at the start of the episode dan got to see the crimean battlefield for like 20 seconds before getting flushed down the temporal toilet back to modern day 2021 liverpool
oh it's the sontarans they are here too
they were launching a simultaneous attack through time against 1850 crimean war and 2021 liverpool and no where else in time
(though they were preparing to attack the rest of the timeline. I guess they just did an early attack at crimean war to play with horses. fair)
dan meets up with his parents who are funny
then dan sneaks into the sontaran ship and beats up a sontaran
it's funny
nothing really happens besides learning the sontaran plans but i already described what the sontaran plans are
but it's funny
good work dan

unfortunately dan gets cornered by 4 sontarans, which is more than one
luckily The Dog man from last episode shows up

he's like yeah you're still my randomly assigned human that i have to take care of, so i'm gonna do everything and singlehandedly defeat all the sontarans all by myself

and then the dog guy does that by ramming one sontaran ship into another and they all blow up like dominos (time dominos)
then the doctor shows up in the tardis and is like thanks dog man talk to you later, dan wanna go find yaz now? and dan is like yea' then as soon as they get into the tardis it gets all fucky and the tardis goes all shaky and stuff and then they arrive in...

meanwhile
at the start of the episode yaz got to see the crimean battlefield for like 20 seconds before getting flushed down the temporal toilet back to ....
back to...
Triangle Chruch
Church
Triangle Church
yes
The guy from last episode, Vinder, from the list of hanging plot threads, "some guy on a space station: saw the thanos dust wave and took an escape pod" that's vinder
he like blacked out and woke up in triangel church or something

Triangle Priest says "hey bro can you fix time'
and vinder is like ??? i... i'll try?

and then yaz shows up from the temporal toilet and she's like what
where am i
Triangle Priest says "hey bro can you fix time'
and yaz is like ??? i... i'll try?

what do you call the big room of a church
tran·sept
/ˈtran(t)sept/
noun "(in a cross-shaped church) either of the two parts forming the arms of the cross shape, projecting at right angles from the nave."
that'll work

they go to the Triangle Transept
where four ladies are standing in the glowy pedestals
apparently these ladies control all of time
but two of them are dead
so time is getting all fucky and that's why the tardis has been all messed up lately

then Thanos, Thanos's Sister, and a Third Guy shows up

and they're like "hehe, fuck you triangle priests, die"
and the triangles are like "noo we are dusted"
and then they're like "yeah, yaz and vinder are gonna be the new replacement time controlly people, but only so we can control the tardis"

and then they do that and bring the tardis with dan and doctor here to Triangle Church
and Team Thanos says hehe now all of you are here and we can move onto the next phase of our plan, where we kill all of you (cliffhanger)



that's a Triangle Priest

they fly around and say cryptic stuff about time and triangles and also they are triangles
and this is Third Guy who showed up with Thanos and Thanos sister without any explanation besides 'third guy is part of team thanos'




Plot Threads from last time:
-------------------
random lady who met the doctor in the past: attacked by weeping angel
doesn't show up

dans' girlfriend: kidnapped by thanos's sister
doesn't show up

sontarans: did absolutely nothing but laugh evilly
They show up and all explode. every single one of them. all dead and blown up. no way any of them could have survived that. probably never gonna see them again ever

some rich guy in 1820: digging random tunnels for some reason
the guy shows up mysteriously in the triangle church, and chats with yaz for a bit, talking about how 'my cryptic plans aren't working fuck shit god dammit' and then leaves and doesn't come back for the rest of the episode.

some guy on a space station: saw the thanos dust wave and took an escape pod
goes to triangle church and hangs out with yaz
New Plot Thread:
-------------------
Funny Floating House: showed up briefly in a vision


Timu — Today at 2:39 PM
Overall rating:
Villain: Sontarans

death rate: 2 Triangles, like ten thousand british soldiers, like a million sontarans, three time controlly people, three rando humans in 2021 killed by sontarans

birth rate: yaz and vinder turned into time controlly people. also Third Guy showed up. i'm gonna pretend that's a birth

overall death rate: rip triangles you were triangles

overall rating: Dan/10

Moral of the story: Wanting to ride a horse is completely valid. But there are lots of horses throughout history. No need to go to Crimean War for that.
Also don't schedule your entire armies bathroom break for the same 7.5 minute period, leaving your entire homebase completely unguarded for that period of time. that's why people invented 'guard shifts'
also don't try to fight an army of laser aliens with 1850s equipment
also war is bad

dr13 s3 ep3
part 3 of 6 of the Flux Series

Show

Spoiler
nyan yawn
doctor who.
prevously on tdoctor who
team doctor are in Triangle Church, and team thanos is about to kill them
Triangle Church is where Time is
like



this is whats in triangle church
if your familiar with the myth of Atlas who has to carry the entire concept of Sky on his shoulders
that's what the four aliens in triangle church do with time
look at their weird alien collar things



i'm gonna pretend it's like a horse feeding bag and you put food into it.
instead of it just being weird alien fashion design that looks weird so you know it's alien
so team thanos had like killed all of them, and so time was getting all fucky
and then put Yaz and Vinder onto the time pedestal so that team thanos could control time briefly to control the tardis to bring Doctor and Dan (it's dan!), to the triangle temple,
and then the cliffhanger in the last episode is that team thanos was about to like, snap the last little string holding time up, meaning yaz and vinder would get crushed under the full weight of all time

so in the half a second before that happens, the doctor picks up dan, puts him on the third pedestal, and then the doctor hops onto the fourth pedestal
it's like how bomb countdowns slow down a lot in the last crucial seconds
except here that last second stretched into an entire week as viewers waited for the next episode to air
so now that all four members of team doctor are on the time pedestal, and the doctor is with them to carry the entire burden of time, they are safe from getting dusted by team thanos
however now the doctor only has 1 hour (minus commercials) to hold up time before it all gets ruined
so once again, now that they are all in the time fucky dimension, the team gets split up into flashbacks so here we go one by one

Dan
it's dan
everyone's flashbacks are all like... off, like the background scenery keeps changing and characters get swapped out offscreen with completely different characters and it's weird and it's supposed to be like that cause it's time dimension and time is fucky
all we learn about dan's flashbacks are that he and that girl from episode have feelings for each other but aren't like official or anything... unless...??
oh yeah but she got kidnapped by thanos's sister back in episode one
also dan ends up in those weird tunnels with the Rich Guy from 1820, who says more cryptic stuff and wields a laser gun, shooting at stuff off screen, before time jumps to a different scene. nice seeing you rich guy, see you next episode i guess?

Yaz
in yaz's flashback we learn that yaz hates video games, and she never plays them
and weeping angels keep showing up in her flashbacks trying to get her

Vinder
vinder is the new character who was on that space outpost all alone back in episode one, and then took that escape pod to escape the thanos dust wave and ended up in the triangle church. we learn his backstory now
he was in the Space Army and then became Space Senator's Bodyguard, and then witness Space Senator doing Corrupt Dealings and Arranging Innocents To Be Murdered
and so vinder was like hey that's bad and corrupt
and space senator was like haha, you can't report me, i'm corrupt
and so vinder was imprisoned on that space outpost all alone

Doctor
Doctor is experiencing flashbacks to her super past from her secret lives before The First Doctor that her memories of all got erased
through her flashback she re-experiences the time when her past self defeated Team Thanos in the first place way back then
Back with 0th Doctor, Thanos, Thanos Sister had taken over triangle church, killed all the time atlas aliens, and also taken FIVE MILLION HOSTAGES

remember that third guy i mentioend, who showed up without any real explanation
well Third Guy's name is Passenger, and there were actually five Passengers back then
and each Passenger is like, a portal to another world or like a prison filled with people who have been shrunk or something
in any case
like a million hostages in each Passenger

and team thanos is like
haha we have 5 million hostages
look how much we don't give a shit about negotating. poot. poot. just dusted two passengers. that's two million hostages

0th doctor: okay well, you've forced my hand, time to pull out my ace in the sleeve, which i had this entire time
you should have been careful who you stuffed into your Third Guys cause, hiding amongst them are MORE TIME ATLAS ALIENS!!! yeah hop on out!

and then 0th doctor does like a sonic screwdriver thing and 4 fresh new time atlas aliens hop out and stand on the pedestals

and 0th doctor is like 'objective secured'

and then dog guy and two time lords break in and are like 'yeah! it's me, dog guy! and two time lords! bam bam! capture gun!'

and team thanos says Fucking god dammit shit! we would have gotten away with it too if you hadn't hidden more time atlas aliens in our hostage carriers to replace the time atlas aliens that we killed and also your dog too

and then thanos and thanos sister got imprisoned for a bazillion years and 0th doctor had her memories wiped

after this flashback, the doctor then has another flashback, encountering a Cryptic Old Woman who is messing around with some fancy technology buttons and saying "the thanos dust wave, i did that, that was me, not thanos. the visual effects of the two look basically the same so i can understand why you would think that thanos was doing the big dust wave that was eating all those planets, but that was actually me and these buttons right here. also i'm implying that i specifically was the one who wiped your memories or something.'
'also thanos like, works for me. the specific relationship between me, the dust wave, and team thanos and our dusting powers will be revealed later i guess. now go away'

the doctor is now back in the green screen room where she floats around the time bullshit storm and there are some more Time Atlas Alien Species here and they say 'the episode is about to end'

doctor: "hey lets do that same trick that 0th doctor pulled in my flashback'

time atlas aliens: "sounds good."
----------
Now back in the present, the Third Guy that team thanos has, like, poots out four fresh new replacement time atlas people, freeing team doctor from the time pedestals

Thanos: "bewwhehe..... this was all part of my plan, buh byeee'

then thanos and thanos sister dissappear
i'm not sure if they took third guy with them
wasn't looking at that corner of the screen when they teleported

then team doctor all go back to the tardis and vinder gets to go into the tardis for the first time
"oh hey a tardis, that's cool'
nice
usually it's "omg it's bigger on the inside! omg!!!"
and "omg it's smaller on the outside' that one time
so i'm glad they still come up with new ways to have characters react to seeing the tardis for the first time

they drop vinder off at his home planet, which looks like shit after the dust wave like, destroyed every building. at least the ground is still intact. they give vinder a phone to call the doctor and then leave

then, on yaz's phone, a weeping angel from her flashbacks hops out and grabs the tardis controls, taking Yaz, Dan, Doctor to episode 4


oh
also throughout this episode were interspersed scenes with a New Character, Bel
who was wandering around a post-Dust Wave universe
where all the planets are fucked up and time is all fucky because the pedestals only had pathetic mortals on them for a couple hours

Bel is searching for someone who she loves
and she has a tamogotchi
and we aren't given any explanation about who she is or what her deal is besides 'she's searching for someone who she loves and she has a tamogotchi'

and then in the final scene it's like big reveal... vinder is the one she loves.. and she's pregnant... and... the... tamogotchi is the baby?????
??
i
i
i think the tamogotchi is the baby
but
maybe it's just a tamogotchi
like is it a fancy hi-tech future space baby monitor
so
it's basically a sci-fi tamogotchi except the baby in the tamogotchi is not a virtual pet, but your unborn child, who speaks in emojis

idk what species vinder is besides 'one of the million alien species who are exactly like humans in every way except for just one thing'
maybe their 'one thing' is that the babies come out the wazoo already snapchatting and posting on baby twitter

----
oh yeah a new little monster showed up, Time Mites. these firefly blue glowy dots, they fly around and obliterate anyone who doesn't belong in the timeline, which, after time has gotten fucked up, is , everyone. they killed two nameless people so that you know 'oh those things kill people' and then they just hover around menacingly in a handful of flashbacks but everyone just hides/ignores them and don't get eaten.
I bring them up because i guess they'll be more important in a later episode and also i already said Villain: Thanos in part one


----


Hanging Plot Threads:
Dan's girlfriend, kidnapped by thanos, turns out they put her into Third Guy

random lady who met the doctor in the past: attacked by weeping angel in episode one, and hasn't been seen since... until the 'next time on doctor who' teaser.

some rich guy in 1820: digging random tunnels for some reason, showed up mysteriously in triangle church, has a ray gun, still don't know his deal.

sontarans: still dead

some guy on a space station: congrats on the baby, vinder. i hope you find your partner and her tamogatchi

Funny Floating House: didn't show up again

New plot thread!
Cryptic Old Lady in the time storm: mystery? she made the dust wave? is thanos's boss? and might be the one who wiped doctor's 0th lives from memory? still mysterious?

----

Overall Rating:
Villain: Time Mites
Death Rate: 2 million hostages, 2 nameless people, 6 cybermen (killed by Bel, the tamogotchi lady), one ps4 (yaz's flashback), 9 people killed through the corrupt machinations of Space Senator
Birth Rate: four new time atlas aliens, vinder's baby tamogotchi
Overall death rate: 2 million + 2 + 6 + ps4+ 9 = 2mil + 21... minus 4 minus 1... = 2 million and 16
Overall Rating: Dan/10

Moral of the story: if the doctor defeats in one way, don't let it happen in the exact same way again. except like. thanos was like 'bwahah all part of my plan' so. idk. idk
we still don't know what thanos's ultimate goal is
is a mystery
still a good moral of the story for all of you would be hostage takers out there
even if the lesson doesn't apply directly to the characters in the fable, that doesn't mean the lesson wasn't there!
If you kidnap a bunch of people, make sure none of them are time atlas people, cause they'll just hop out of your Third Guy when you least expect it and stand on a pedestal and ruin everything

dr13 s3 ep4
part 4 of 6 of the Flux Series

Show

Spoilerpreviously on doctor who, a weeping angel climbed out of Yaz's phone and took control the tardis controls, bringing them to Cursed Village in 1967
doctor detects a funky signal and wanders off to go check it out on her own

meanwhile the townsfolk are searching through the night for a missing girl, so yaz and dan (it's dan!) help out
then a weeping angel gets them and sends them back in time to 1901

in 1901 they find the missing girl, who does nothing
also in the town they find other people who the angels have taken back in time, and we also learn that people can't survive being sent back in time twice- the second time they are touched by an angel, a visual effects artist turns them into stone and crumbles them

https://youtu.be/BJ6Fc1nNKc4

we also learn that the entire village is now just on a floating island just out in space
(both 1901 and 1967 village is like this)
if you walk out the village you'll find a cliff face that just leads out to beautiful starry emptiness of space
a nice view
but probably not a good sign for the village

however also on a different edge of the village, instead of it leading out to space, it leads to 1967
a nice edge barrier where you can see through 66 years into the future, and speak and look through to the other side
...thankfully dan is smart, and tests out throwing a rock through.  the rock gets obliterated.  so no crossing, only chatting.

---


meanwhile
the doctor has traced the signal to a guy's basement where Claire, "random lady who met the doctor in the past: attacked by weeping angel in episode one, and hasn't been seen since"
Claire didn't actually meet the doctor in the past- all she did was have visions of the future where she would meet the doctor
then the weeping angels zapped her to 1967
the basement belongs to Dr Jericho who is studying claire's ability to see visions of the future
don't worry, jericho isn't one of those evil scientists who kidnaps people and does experiments, he's a guy who is like 'wow you saw the future that's so cool ,wanna be friends??"
apparently claire's visions are due to a Weeping Angel who has taken up residence in claire's mind

the doctor goes into claire's mind to tell the angel 'hey stop turning claire into stone and stuff'
the angel says: "so I used to work for The Division, the mysterious organization who erased your memories of your pre-1st-doctor-lives.  however i quit, so the other angels who still work for Division, have come to beat me up.  i gave claire visions and took control of the tardis as a complicated plot to bring you here in order to distract the other angels so i can escape'

Then the other angels start breaking into the house!! oh no!
Those other angels isolated this village on a space island in order to better attack Rogue Angel.

after a fun and lengthy escape sequence, in which angels come climbing out of tvs and printers and the walls
finally they escape out into the graveyard
that's where that time barrier is!
Oh yeah and Dr Jericho gets zapped to 1901
on the 1901 side, Yaz Dan Jericho and missing girl are there
and on 1967, the doctor, Claire and like a hundred weeping angels.  and missing girl but 66 years older, is also there too.

The weeping angels: we have captured you and rogue angel! haha!
then the doctor turns into an angel, leaving yaz dan and jericho in 1901

ohno


---

Timu — Yesterday at 11:04 PM

Uhhh what else happens in this episode...
Tamogotchi Lady has found some other survivors of the Dust Wave.  Thanos Sister is there putting people into a Third Guy, claiming that it is safe passage to a place safe from the Dust Wave.  However only tamogotchi lady recognizes this lie, and so she escapes, and manages to save one person.

Oh yeah and there were chickens



Overall Rating:
Villain: Weeping Angel
Death Rate: random priest sent back in time and never seen again, missing girl's parents, both 1901 and 1967 populations of the village sent back in time/killed/both
Birth Rate: some angels birthing out of printers and tvs, does that count?  the doctor turns into an angel
Overall death rate: idk like two villages worth of people
Overall Rating: Dan/10
Moral of the story:  Tell the other people when you're about to blink so that you can periodically rest your eyes and still watch the angels.  doesn't work as well if there's too many angels to be looked at by any single person at once.  However, the angels like to just turn off people's flashlights and stuff... so such a technique wouldn't actually have been that useful in this particular episode.

dr13 s3 ep5
part 5 of 6 of the Flux Series

Show

Spoilernext episode!

turns out the weeping angel transformation is completely meaningless, it's just a gimmick that weeping angels like to do to people to fuck with them and also leave scary cliffhangers.  also that's how weeping angel teleporters work.  everyone else just teleports, poof, poof, teleport, but the weeping angels turn you into an angel and then poof poof.  shrug.

The doctor has been taken to the Division Headquarters!  It's cryptic lady from two episodes ago, Cryptic Old Lady in the time storm.  Turns out she's the boss of The Division and also The Doctor's (adopted) mom!!!

If you haven't gone back to the post with part 1 of this series, now's the time cause I put a Glossary there.
In the Division Headquarters we get some exposition that really would have been nice to learn at the start of all this.  (so I put it into that Glossary).  However I understand the need to be all cryptic in your writing cause you gotta tease the audience. ... but i still think my way is better~

Yeah so we learn all about how Cryptic Old Lady founded the Division and released Thanos from prison in order to destroy the universe.  Stuff that I put into that Glossary.  I put fun pictures into that Glossary.  look at the pictures I made~

so yeah, Division operates across the multiverse.
Doctor Who doesn't delve into parallel-universes that often.  Alternate dimensions are rarely ever visited and it's usually out of the question unless some sort of freak accident happens to the Tardis. 
And here the Division's nice hologram computer is showing like a fuckton of universes and Cryptic Old Lady is like this "yeah the entire show so far has taken place in this one right here.  i don't like it anymore so i'm trying to get the Dust Wave to delete it."

anyway so basically, Thanos works for Time, not Cryptic Old Lady.  Cryptic Old Lady just freed thanos since both of them happen to have the same goal: destroy the universe
However, Thanos has been dusting all the people in Third Guy, draining their souls and stuff in order to gain enough power to teleport to The Division Headquarters outside of the universe... and then thanos dusts Cryptic Old lady!!!

-------

meanwhile: in 1904, Yaz, Dan (it's dan!) and Jericho have just been wandering around for three years looking for stuff to do

they get a few cans of wet paint and draw on the great wall of china "we're in 1904 save us" and dog guy in 2021 is looking at old satellite footage of 1904 and is like 'i can't time travel, smh.'  sorry no help from dog guy for you.

then they go to the tunnels that Rich Guy in 1820 has been digging.  since it's 1904 now, rich guy is long gone and the tunnels are abandoned. 
but rich guy is still wandering around down there.
somehow the tunnel has doorways that lead to random places in time and space, which is how he keeps showing up in random places in previous episodes in order to say cryptic stuff.
idk how the tunnels are able to do this.

---

meanwhile: Space Senator from the flashbacks in episode 3 is on earth!  he is pretending to be a human and is literally eating his way up the chain of command of the british military
he becomes a founding and controlling member of UNIT, the united nations intelligence task force who has been dealing with alien stuff.  they have shown up in lots and lots of episodes through the entire doctor who show history.
in 2021, Space Senator uses has basically become the boss of UNIT, and is now about to reveal his long master plan... which is to help the sontarans attack the planet again!!

----

also, Tamogotchi Lady has ended up in the Dog Shield because she has been running around on a stolen Dog Ship this whole time, and Dog Man wanted it back.  so she's at earth now.  and Vinder was been put into a Third Guy by thanos and has met up with Dan's girlfriend.

--------

Overall Rating:
Villain: Space Senator.  this nasty politician has the power to turn your organs into a baby snake, who will eat its way out of you, and then be eaten by the senator.  I don't believe this kills the babies, i think they just live in him now.  I wonder how many of these baby snakes live inside of him.  is he made out of baby snakes :O ???  Is he like a thousand baby snakes in a trenchcoat?!?!
Death Rate: two UNIT officers, at least a hundred people eaten by thanos for energy, cryptic old lady.
Birth Rate: two baby snakes.
Overall death rate: like a hundred + 1
Overall Rating: Dan/10
Moral of the story:

So.
You just met this random dude.  The guy approaches you at a party or something.
You start making small talk.  Just some casual stuff.  Talking about hobbies like hunting and being british.
then the stranger says, "oh by the way, i am an expert in alien stuff'
'wow!!!!" you exclaim!  "what a coincidence, the united nations just asked me to form an anti-alien military branch.  It's top secret!"
and then, he said 'oh wow yeah that is totally definitely a coincidence, i absolutely definitely had no prior knowledge of this.  definitely.'

  then you said  "this is so lucky, would you like to be a co-founder of it with me?"
The moral of the story is that in this situation, you should recognize that this stranger is extremely suspicious and definitely knew ahead of time and that hiring him is exactly what he wants.  So.  don't do that. that's the moral.

-------------

Hanging Plot Threads:
Chickens: missing. where are they.  are they still in cursed village.  why didn't dan bring the chickens to the great wall of china.
and that's all
the end
see ya next week