I Will Apologise For Anything I've Done

I do not desire forgiveness, but I do desire to make amends.

I will attempt to be sincere in this thread and I ask that anyone else who posts here to be sincere as well. I know this is hawkspace, where the rules are less strict, but I'd like to keep the tone serious and morose.

Please ask for me to apologise, and I will atone.

I would like to start this thread off by apologising for any and all acts of sexual harassment I have committed, even the unintentional ones. It's a very serious subject, and I can understand where Chwoka is coming from. From now on I will take extra care to respect Chwoka's boundaries.

I apologise for being overly self-pitying. I have met someone who was also overly self-pitying, so I understand why you wouldn't like that type of person. The kind of person who is determined to be depressed is an emotionally exhausting person to be around. When you ask them what's wrong, they bombard you with information that makes you as worse off as they are. The darkness is all-consuming.

I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. Not hating myself even a little is impossible, but I will no longer let my self-hate harm others. Words have meaning, and I should not throw them around carelessly for the sake of self-harm.

I apologise for joining the Devo Mail-In Fanclub on Discord. I did not realize Chwoka was the admin of such a chat. I only joined to be part of the WSBM chat. I don't even like WSBM. I only like spending time with Monkeysky.

It's funny, but I think I'm less obsessed with spades as a relationship than you are. I mean, these days. I don't want to cringe at unpleasant things. I'd rather enjoy or avoid. I don't want to waste my time with lag or snark or angst. I want to surround myself with nice people, even if they're few and far between.

I don't want to get along with people who disrespect me, who don't treat me as an equal. I get enough of that at home. I'm glad you think the same way, and kicked me out instead of starting a fight. I hope that one day you won't have to think about me.

I still wish I got to know him better before he died. I don't see what's wrong with that. That's one thing I won't apologise for. If I didn't have regrets, I wouldn't have reason to apologise. I do see how insulting my feelings are, however. You, who got to know him so well, who came up with many support systems to help him cope with isolation at boarding school, couldn't save him from his fate. I have no place in this. I was full of hubris to think I could've made a difference.

I should focus on the present, and things that haven't happened yet. I hope you choose to live.

i fucked up