Swiping Right by Moonlight

Swiping Right by Moonlight
The Millennial Supernatural Romance (Mis)Adventure

So, you're finally diving into the world of online dating. As a freelance medium working night shifts at a bloodpack dispensary to pay the bills, you've neither time nor energy for IRL mingling. At your best friend's behest, you've buckled to the way of the 21st century and downloaded Monstr: a dating app for the supernaturally-inclined. Social media isn't your strong suit, so you're somewhat nervous, but hey! You've heard good things about its userbase.

Before you can get your swipe on, you'll just need to fill out a short profile. Easier said than done, you think, as the app's registration screen loads. It's shockingly minimalist. Some of the fields are self-explanatory; others require deeper thought.

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The form is as follows...
USERNAME: _____
YEAR OF BIRTH (18+ only):
GENDER: _____
SPECIES: Human

BIO (500 character limit):
_______________________________
_______________________________
_______________________________
_______________________________

There's also a prompt to upload a photo, but you'll pry open that can of worms later. You're already intimidated by the sign-up page as it is.

Fill out the protagonist's profile...

Username: Big fren
YoB: 2001 (this is set in the future right? if it is make it 2010)
Gender: Fluid
Species: (d0es it HAVE t0 be human? why n0t human/werew0lf hybrid? 0r is that stilll human?)

Bio:
Uh, hi... i'm new to this sorta thing, so bear with me. I like to play games, and I ALSO like to go outside. I'm smart when it comes to math, but English...... well.... I'm decent but i hate it. I have lots of friends, but I'm not used to social media. So yeah, that's me. (any0ne can request changes t0 the bi0 since im crap at english. and n0 this isnt me l0l

yo i'm here for dating monsters

USERNAME: DukeSnake
YEAR OF BIRTH: 1932
GENDER: 85% Male, 15% Unknown

BIO: I know I'm old for a human, but for deeply personal reasons I was fed on a diet of ambrosia for fifty years so I'm really 30 at heart. Enjoy bicycling and schlocky horror films. Can talk to ghosts. One day, Manchester will make the Super Bowl, I'm sure of it.

Username: chilimango34
YOB: 1992
Gender: male
Bio: hi there! :-) haven’t really done anything like this before... i’m 5’4. i like watching dramas and listening to synthesizer music. i’m an amateur home cook, though i’m pretty good at it if i can toot my own horn! i can cook just about anything if i have the recipe. drugs and alcohol are ok! i’m pretty easy going, so feel free to shoot me a message!

Username: Melienation
DOB: 1993
Gender: Female
Bio: have never broken any bones. law school dropout if your into that. i only like movies in languages i dont know. im wearing make-up right the hell now, wow

USERNAME: OceanLadykiller161
YEAR OF BIRTH (18+ only): 2085
GENDER: Male
SPECIES: Human (Mutated)

BIO (500 character limit):
I got mutated when Cthulhu showed up and caused chaos, and now no normal human wants me. Not that anyone wanted me before, but I figured, hey, why not give supernatural chicks a shot. Just because I'm still living in my dead parent's basement without the current tenant’s knowledge doesn't make me a loser. Looking for a girl who's mutated like me, or maybe a cute deep one.
Or anyone really.
Please?
I'm so lonely...

I've got tentacles if you're into that.

USERNAME: Hank
YEAR OF BIRTH (18+ only): True 1
GENDER: Male
SPECIES: Human

BIO (500 character limit):
I am the first. I will be the last.

Username: Melienation
DOB: 1993
Gender: Female
Bio: have never broken any bones. law school dropout if your into that. i only like movies in languages i dont know. im wearing make-up right the hell now, wow

You chuckle at your own cutting irony. Your deliberately 'basic' profile preserves your mystique, while painting an adequate portrait of your sense of humor--or so you hope. You did a lot of research on dating app culture before jumping into the fray.

Now, for a photo. You're told selfies aren't the best option, but none of your friends know how to capture your best angles....

Describe the profile photo...

It's a picture of your dog

yeah
y0u are the d0g th0. ... s0meh0w

It's a picture of your dog

except on closer inspection it's actually a cat

A blurry picture of your pet that you took by accident when your hand slipped.

But the expression was priceless, so you favorited it and are going to use it as your photo.

A blurry picture of a fake skeleton in a dark room, taken with the flash on.

A blurry picture of your pet that you took by accident when your hand slipped.

But the expression was priceless, so you favorited it and are going to use it as your photo.

A blurry picture of a fake skeleton in a dark room, taken with the flash on.

Ah. You know exactly which photo to use.

Last Halloween, one of your neighbours loaned you a life-sized plastic skeleton to spread the holiday cheer. You let your hamster play around inside the skull one night—you were a little bit drunk—and thought to immortalize the moment on your phone. The photo came out blurry and your poor hamster probably didn't appreciate the accidental flash, but its expression made you laugh. You uploaded it to your Snapstagram Story and tagged both the hamster and skeleton '#me'. Several months later, and you still feel that GPOY vibe.

Chuckling to yourself, you add the photo to your profile and click 'SUBMIT'. The app applauds you with a colourful 'SUCCESS!' and an explosion of digital confetti.

The app prompts you to start swiping - but before you can jump into the fray, your phone buzzes thrice. You recognize the alert as being mapped to messages from (sigh) your overbearing mother. 

What do you do?

Just get those out of the way. I mean, the sooner you suffer through them, the sooner you can get back to the original matter at hand. ...Prob'ly.