Space Opera: The Drip Chronicles

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Welcome to the DRIP CHRONICLES: A Space Opera Adventure!

You are Bob the Drip, intrepid space explorer.

Coming out of hyperwarp, your spaceship hurtles through the vastness of space, toward a planet that no human has ever bothered to explore.

What do you do?

Pull a random lever

You're not sure what any of these controls do. You're not even sure how you became an intrepid space explorer. But damned if you aren't going to pretend you know what you're doing! You boldly pull the largest lever.

You're not sure what that did.

>Wonder how you pulled that lever considering you have no arms

You briefly ponder how you are able to manipulate your surroundings without visible limbs.

> Do a dance of joy

However, you suddenly recall that you are an intrepid space explorer, and that all the ladies probably want you. You do a dance of joy and forget whatever it was you were pondering.

You are so caught up in your graceful dance that you almost fail to notice the proximity alarm going off.

Ignore alarm, no matter what happens.

No machine tells you what to do! You resolve to ignore the proximity alarm despite its increasingly urgent tones.

>Examine hatch-thing on the left

It appears to be some sort of hatch-thing. If memory serves, you use this to ingress and egress your space vessel.

You continue to ignore the proximity alarm.

> eat "AWOOGA!"

You are determined to ignore the proximity alarm no matter what.
This precludes eating or otherwise interacting with any sounds it might possibly be making.

Ingress your space vessel.

You are already inside your space vessel and thus cannot ingress it.
However, looking at this big rectangular door, you might be able to go inside it even more.


You open the door, revealing the ship's locker. Hanging on the walls within the locker are your SPACE SUIT and ZAP GUN.

> Put on SPACE SUIT and equip ZAP GUN.

You don your trusty SPACE SUIT and hold your trustier ZAP GUN. This is what being an intrepid space explorer is all about!

>Put on ZAP GUN and equip SPACE SUIT.

>Kick turbine/engine/fuel/rockets

You're about to try wearing your ZAP GUN on your head while wielding your SPACE SUIT as a weapon and simultaneously kicking your space vessel's propellant systems when you are suddenly and violently jostled.

Oh dear. It would appear that you have crashed.

>Hop on out and about.

You can no longer reach the ingress/egress hatch.

>I didn't say stop, equip that suit and wear that god damn zapper gun NOW!

Still in shock from the crash, you for some reason decide to balance your ZAP GUN on your head while wielding your SPACE SUIT as a deadly weapon.

>Notice that you looked like a SNAIL in the last frame, and the gun looks like WALNUTS.

That's ridiculous. Snails went extinct eons ago, and you cannot afford SPACE WALNUTS.

You are still inside your SPACE VESSEL, balancing your ZAP GUN on your head and wielding your fearsome SPACE SUIT.

>throw GUN at VALVE

You throw your ZAP GUN with gusto!

The ZAP GUN fires upon impact, hitting the FLUORESCENT LIGHT on the ceiling.

The light begins dripping NOXIOUS MERCURY.

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Wrap SPACE SUIT around WAIST and consider yourself a WHITEBELT.

Now that you've tossed your gun, you might have to prepare for unarmed combat. You begin futzing with your SPACE SUIT in an attempt to make yourself a WHITEBELT.


You seem to have accidentally triggered one of your ROCKET SHOES. The FLEXIGLASS CANOPY of your SPACE VESSEL is breached by the afterburn.

Sidestep away from NOXIOUS MERCURY.

NOXIOUS MERCURY! Dang!

> X-plore!

Now that you're free of that SPACE COFFIN, you know that it's time to bring civilization to this SAVAGE WORLD. It's time to do some X-treme X-ploring.

Emerge Dramatically from your fallen space ship, Zap Gun ready for action!

Yes, you might want your ZAP GUN, to help with the process of civilization. You dash back into your ship and grab your gun before the NOXIOUS MERCURY can drip on you, then EMERGE DRAMATICALLY.

It's time to civilize something.

Scan planet horizon, whilst impatiently firing warning shots into the air.

You fire your ZAP GUN into the air to deter any would-be bug-eyed aliens as you scan the horizon.

You can see a CRUDE TREE and some SAVAGE FOLIAGE nearby, and a PRIMITIVE VILLAGE in the distance.

>TREK to the PRIMITIVE VILLAGE.

You begin the arduous trek to the PRIMITIVE VILLAGE.


Suddenly, the SAVAGE FOLIAGE rises in your path, revealing itself to be a GREEN-EYED MONSTER!

>Zap one of the GREEN-EYED MONSTER'S eyes using ZAP GUN.

You shoot the GREEN-EYED MONSTER in the eye with your ZAP GUN. It is probably jealous of your arsenal.

>Realize that the GREEN-EYED MONSTER is just lonely, and wants a FRIEND to hug with his LEAFY APPENDAGES.

Oh no... Could it be? Could the GREEN-EYED MONSTER actually be a friendly, sapient life form? Have you just destined these primitive, leafy peoples to forever fear and mistrust outsiders, initializing a new era of INTERSTELLAR WAR?

You wish you'd paid more attention in SPACE ANTHROPOLOGY class.

>Apologize profusely and HUG the GREEN-EYED MONSTER.

Your lack of arms precludes you from HUGGING the GREEN-EYED MONSTER, but you do the next best thing and give it an AFFECTIONATE NUZZLE by way of apology.


Somehow, your gesture of goodwill bypasses the barriers of species and culture, and the GREEN-EYED MONSTER gives you a gentle, leafy embrace.


You're still not sure whether the GREEN-EYED MONSTER is sapient. You are, however, intimately familiar with what appears to be its stomach cavity. You are slowly being DIGESTED.

>Fire ZAP GUN to light the dark recesses of the GREEN-EYED MONSTER'S insides.

You cannot find your ZAP GUN. You suspect you lost your grip on it when the GREEN-EYED MONSTER betrayed you with its LEAFY HUG.

The DIGESTING is starting to cause you to feel PAIN.

>Splash around (rustle around?) and give the monster a stomach ache, to get revenge.

You decide to move about aggressively, hoping your jostling will upset the stomach of the GREEN-EYED MONSTER.

(Behold my animation skill!)
While stumbling around, you discover a hole. Your eyes begin to adjust to the darkness.

You are standing at the edge of a CHUTE going downward.

>Experimentally fire a laser shot down the chute.

You are no longer in possession of your ZAP GUN. You wonder aloud where it might be.

>Blow this popsicle stand. JUMP!

Shuck this DIGESTING jive! Shuck all your jives! You close your eyes and leap down the CHUTE.

You land with a splash.

You appear to be in the GREEN-EYED MONSTER's digestive ROOT SYSTEM. You are floating in ACID, and rapidly DIGESTING.

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>Crap crap crap try climbing back up the chute, despite your obvious lack of ARMS.

You try to right yourself and climb back up the CHUTE, but the ACID works too quickly and all you manage to do is wiggle yourself deeper into the digestive ROOT SYSTEM.

You decide that DIGESTING hurts like holy hell.

> Kick the monster into submission?

You futilely kick the GREEN-EYED MONSTER's innards with your remaining healthy foot.

>Accept your fate. The GREEN-EYED MONSTER has defeated you.

Your one regret is your failure to make peace with the SAVAGE FOLIAGE people.
...Well, and also dying in a pit of ACID within a the ROOT SYSTEM of a grotesque plant monster.

You give in to the darkness, ignoring the pain as the ACID eats away your flesh.



You wake up some time later. You are lying in a pit, badly burned. The charred remains of a GREEN-EYED MONSTER surround you. Your trusty ZAP GUN is on the ground nearby. A PRIMITIVE VILLAGE is visible in the distance.

It is possible that the GREEN-EYED MONSTER burned to death after you shot it with your ZAP GUN. You suppose it is also possible that it lost the will to live after eating its only friend, and accordingly spontaneously combusted. Either way, your love was never meant to be.

You crawl painfully from the pit.


You have EVOLVED to LEVEL 2! All your wounds have been healed!

You have EVOLVED the following SKILLS:
TRANSMOGRIFY +1
XENOBOTANY +1
ZAPPIFICATION +2

Your HUG ANALOGUE has EVOLVED from AFFECTIONATE NUZZLE to VIGOROUS CUDDLE.
Your SKINCLENCH FACTOR has increased by 1.

>MOURN the death of your friend/attempted murderer and bury his remaining remains in the HOLE.

You are quite saddened by the loss of your only known enemy. You drop the GREEN-EYED MONSTER REMAINS in the PIT, kicking down the sides a bit in an attempt to bury them.

The GREEN-EYED MONSTER is no more. All that remains is a SAVAGE SAPLING.

> Do a KIRBY DANCE to celebrate your survival.

You do the rare and ancient Kirby Dance of Celebratory Mourning.

> Go see if that TREE wants to kill you as well.

You head off in the direction of the CRUDE TREE you saw earlier.

Upon closer inspection, it appears to be a PERFECTLY NORMAL TREE.

> VIGOROUSLY CUDDLE the PERFECTLY NORMAL TREE.

You engage your newly evolved HUG ANALOGUE against the PERFECTLY NORMAL TREE.



What's this? It seems your botanical intimacy has aroused the ire of a group of TREE DWELLING SAVAGES.

> Aw, crud. Shoot them!

You are in no mood to deal civilly with these filthy, ignorant SAVAGES, what with their jumping around and kicking their leg-like appendages. You'd think they'd be more sensitive to the fact that you're in mourning.

You move to ZAPPIFY them with your...

Say, where is your ZAP GUN anyway?

Oh, you forgot. It's still over by the SAVAGE SAPLING.

Retrieve gun and observe sapling.
These SAVAGES can wait. You decide to go retrieve your ZAP GUN, and, while you're over there, give the SAVAGE SAPLING a closer look.

You pick up your ZAP GUN and observe the SAVAGE SAPLING.

You successfully make a XENOBOTANY skill check and realize that the SAPLING has grown a GREEN EYE.

> Cuddle fledgling plant monster. Better to forge a friendship now than get eaten again later!
You decide that this would be an opportune moment to VIGOROUSLY CUDDLE the SAVAGE SAPLING.

...

It appears that your CUDDLING has caused the creature to grow a suspicous-looking FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM.

Declare everlasting love for the sappling and defend it from the approaching savages!
You will not let your newfound friendship be destroyed by this planet's SAVAGE BARBARIANS. You brandish your charred ZAP GUN threateningly at the approaching SAVAGES.



The SAVAGES scamper off toward the distant PRIMITIVE VILLAGE.

> I have no idea how ZENOBOTANY works, but use it to check out the BLOSSOM.
Now that your beloved SAPLING is safe from the SAVAGES, you attempt to make a XENOBOTANY skill check to study the newly grown FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM.

You can't make heads or tails of this suspicious BLOSSOM. It seems to share traits from both the Rosoideae and Droseraceae families, but that's speaking in terms of plain old boring botany, not XENOBOTANY. You suspect that your XENOBOTANY skill is too low at this point, which sort of makes sense, seeing as your entire knowledge of the field comes from your firsthand experience of being ingested by deadly SAVAGE FOLIAGE.

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>Ponder whether you should leave the SAVAGE SAPLING alone in this harsh, dangerous environment to go explore more.

You consider whether it is safe to leave your new friend in a place where NAKED BARBARIANS so freely roam. You decide that it is not, and proceed to painstakingly excavate the SAVAGE SAPLING.

It seems to have assimilated the remains of the GREEN-EYED MONSTER's digestive ROOT SYSTEM.

carefully unearth sapling and transport it to your space suit, so as to have a traveling companion.

Also,

Name Sapling Nigel

Despite the painful memories you have attached to that ROOT SYSTEM, you vow to put the past behind you and protect this little guy--Nigel--with all your heart.
You carry Nigel toward your downed SPACE VESSEL to retrieve your SPACE SUIT.

You peer inside the gaping hole in the FLEXIGLASS CANOPY.

In the dim light, you make out a puddle of NOXIOUS MERCURY separating you from your trusty SPACE SUIT.

>Uh...Test exactly how NOXIOUS the NOXIOUS MERCURY is. If not too NOXIOUS, brave the danger and ACQUIRE SPACE SUIT.

You gingerly test the NOXIOUS MERCURY with your foot.

Suddenly, Nigel shifts his weight and you lose your footing!

You have inadvertently splashed NOXIOUS MERCURY onto your face.

Your list of ACTION TRAITS has been expanded to include BLINDED.

Plead for Nigel to help you

You call out for Nigel's assistance. Nigel springs into action, activating his PHOTOSYNTHESIS Action Trait!

>Use advantage of BLINDNESS to acquire LIMITED TELEKINESIS, moving the SPACE SUIT with your MIND.

Unfortunately, the BLINDED Action Trait in fact impairs your telekinetic powers. Nevertheless, you attempt to target the SPACE SUIT with your LEVERKINESIS Latent Ability.

You definitely moved something! You're not sure what it was due to your BLINDED Action Trait, but in the past you have only been able to use LEVERKINESIS on levers.



You hear something creaking above you.

>Don't worry about it right now. Just SUNBATHE with your good friend NIGEL.

That creaking sound is probably just the creaking of SPACE. You pay it no heed and enjoy the probable SUNSHINE, although this is somewhat difficult due to your BLINDED Action Trait.

Because Nigel's PHOTOSYNTHESIS Action Trait is active, he follows the sunlight. You can feel him shuffling away from your crashed SPACE SHIP.

Instinctively roll towards the rustling sounds of your grassy friend.

You're not going to let your BLINDED Action Trait allow you to be separated from your only friend on this godless world. You get a lock on the sound of Nigel's rustling, and you don't walk; you roll.



You and Nigel acquire the FLATTENED Action Trait.

>Attempt to reach out for Nigel. Gods, you can't leave him like this. Not like this.

Though crushed beneath the weight of your traitorous SPACE VESSEL, your first thought is for the Nigel's wellbeing. You cry out for Nigel! Is he alright? Can he hear you? You shed a single tear of DESPAIR.

The tear washes away some of the NOXIOUS MERCURY, reducing the effectiveness of your BLINDED Action Trait by 50%. Through your mercury-poisoned eyes, you can see the FRIENDSHIP BULB has grotesquely detached from your friend, Nigel.

Nigel's PHOTOSYNTHESIS Action Trait deactivates due to lack of sunlight.

Wiggle your way to friendship bulb to weakly cry upon it.

Nigel, Nigel... It seems like only yesterday that Nigel was a mere LEAFY APPENDAGE upon a horrible GREEN-EYED MONSTER. In fact, it was mere hours ago. And now, reduced to this: a bruised FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM and a tangle of chlorophytic roots filled with ACID, trapped under an accursed and otherworldly SPACE VESSEL. You weep for the life that was cut so tragically short.

Wiggle your way hopelessly out of the bottom of the ship. Mourn the loss of your only son(daughter?) with a cliche "Whyyyyyyy???"

"WHYYYYYY??!"



You have EVOLVED to LEVEL 3. All wounds have been healed, and your BLINDED and FLATTENED Action Traits have been deactivated.

You have EVOLVED the following SKILLS:
INTIMIDATE +1
XENOBOTANY +2
ZAPPIFICATION +2

You have lost the following SKILLS due to disuse:
TRANSMOGRIFY -1

Your HUG ANALOGUE has EVOLVED from VIGOROUS CUDDLE to PLAYFUL FOOTSIE.
Your SKINCLENCH FACTOR has increased by 0.5 and now stands at 2.5.
Your LEVERKINESIS Latent Ability has EVOLVED to Meta-Status Beta.
-
Nigel has EVOLVED to LEVEL 2. All Nigel's wounds have been healed, but his FLATTENED Action Trait cannot deactivate at this time.

Nigel has EVOLVED the following Skills:
BLOOMICATE +1
ROOTIFY +1
THORNBERRY +1

Nigel has gained access to the TURGOR PRESSURE Action Trait.

>Attempt to ease Nigel out from under the SPACE SHIP.

You attempt to physically free your trapped, vegetable comrade.

It's no good! He's stuck in there tight. If only you had some way of increasing Nigel's turgidity.

hmm.... this... INTIMATE skill seems interesting. Test it out on BLOSSOM APPENDAGE.

While it occurs to you that INTIMIDATE looks like a cross between the words INTIMATE and DATE, your INTIMIDATE skill actually involves assuming a threatening appearance.

You glower threateningly at the detached FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM.

The FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM twitches slightly but seems otherwise unaffected. Perhaps you would be more threatening if you had your ZAP GUN.

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Nigel> Use TURGOR PRESSURE action trait!

Nigel activates his TURGOR PRESSURE Action Trait, successfully eliminating his FLATTENED trait.


The FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM is INTIMIDATED and scampers away.

Get LASER to kill SHIP with.

Nigel has lifted the SPACE VESSEL with his TURGOR PRESSURE, revealing your charred, crushed, and trusty ZAP GUN. It no longer appears to be functional.

Nigel quivers under the SPACE VESSEL's weight.

>take zap gun, thank the plant for his noble sacrifice, and go off in search of primitive local yokels to civilize.

You retrieve your charred, crushed, trusty ZAP GUN.



It has been rent in twain.

> Chase after the FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM in a non-threatening manner.

You succeed on a passive XENOBOTANY skill check and realize that your FRIENDSHIP to Nigel is inextricably linked to this FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM. If Nigel leaves the FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM's Empathy Radius he will disband from your party and become a FERAL NIGEL.

You chase after the precious BLOSSOM, hoping you don't look too intimidating.


The FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM continues scampering away.





Oh dear. The FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM seems to have come to rest against the foot of an extraordinarily large ENRAGED NATIVE.

Run the hell away

Discretion is the better part of valour. You make to valourously abscond.


The ENRAGED NATIVE has stomped on you. You acquire the FLATTENED Action Trait at 50% effectiveness.
Originally Posted by Odinod
>Use the magical tendencies of the FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM to befriend the ENRAGED NATIVE, taking full advantage of your newly improved XENOBOTANY skill.
Thinking fast, you desperately attempt to use the FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM's magic.

However, you succeed on a XENOBOTANY skill check to realize that the FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM is non-magical.

Nigel: Use BLOOMICATE and ROOTIFY skills.

Nigel uses the remainder of his TURGOR PRESSURE to safely toss away the SPACE VESSEL.


He then attempts to use both his BLOOMICATE and ROOTIFY skills.

PARTIAL SUCCESS. Nigel has ROOTIFIED into the ground. However, he expended too much of his Energy Reserves on his TURGOR PRESSURE Action Trait, and now lacks the Energy to BLOOMICATE.
Nigel has acquired the IMMOBILE Action Trait.

Bob: Use your INTIMIDATION skill to annoy/embarrass ENRAGED NATIVE (whichever seems better)

The ENRAGED NATIVE is no longer a valid target for your INTIMIDATE skill.

Bob: Pick up and equip SPACE SUIT as deadly weapon.

You equip your fearsome SPACE SUIT and feel ready to tame any wilderness, to civilize any SAVAGE that dares stand in the way of your progress. This godforsaken planet won't know what hit it.

Your FLATTENED Action Trait has deactivated. Being armed with a somewhat functional armament has granted an INVISIBLE BOON to your INTIMIDATE skill.

Nigel: Do nothing, you are in a happy place.

Nigel enjoys the sunlight.

His PHOTOSYNTHESIS Action Trait auto-activates. His Energy Reserves will gradually replenish.

Pick up and reattach the friendship blossom to Nigel.

Before you bring on the hurt to the FILTHY SAVAGES, you decide to bring Nigel his FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM for safekeeping. You look around for it.

The FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM seems to have been INTIMIDATED by you and your weapon. It is scampering at an impressive pace vaguely toward the distant PRIMITIVE VILLAGE.

>shoot the friendship blossom to keep it from escaping!

Clearly, shooting the FRIENDSHIP BULB that keeps your only friend, Nigel, both sapient and sane, is the best course of action. You'll only hurt it a little, and you're certain that your FRIENDSHIP with Nigel is tough enough to take a little roasting.

You open fire with your SPACE SUIT.


You have acquired the BLINDED and FLYING Action Traits.

You might be imagining it, but you think you hear your SPACE SUIT's internal speakers inexplicably playing the Benny Hill Theme.

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Attempt to deactivate flames without any regard for the laws of gravity.

You successfully deactivate both ROCKET SHOES and maintain a loose grip on your SPACE SUIT thanks to your SKINCLENCH FACTOR of 2.5.


You have lost the FLYING Action Trait and acquired the FALLING Action Trait Hangover.

> Imagine a more BADASS song for the appropriate situation.

As your FALLING Action Trait Hangover comes to a welcome end in a BARBARIC FRUIT STAND, you are having trouble thinking of more appropriate music. Fortunately, the Benny Hill Theme seems to have stopped playing from your SPACE SUIT's speakers.

>Retrieve arms from bottom of fruit stand.

You are a Drip, and Drips have no arms, relying instead on abilities such as SKINCLENCH and LEVERKINESIS.
But even armless, you have no desire to be unarmed; you retrieve your trusty SPACE SUIT from among the UNIDENTIFIED FRUITS.

> Abscond with some fruit.

Clearly these SAVAGES are planning on sacrificing these most-likely-priceless fruits to their arcane gods in some grotesque and bloody ritual.

You grab the largest UNIDENTIFIED FRUIT and abscond toward an alleyway.

You appear to be in a sort of PRIMITIVE SETTLEMENT. Given the direction and distance of your flight here, this is probably a different tribe altogether from that PRIMITIVE VILLAGE you first saw in the distance from your crash site.

>Look around, attempting to get a bearing on your surroundings.

You seem to be in a filthy alleyway of the PRIMITIVE SETTLEMENT.

You can see a HIDEOUS SPACE BUG on the ground and what looks like a PRIMITIVE ALTAR overflowing with filth against one wall. A CRUDE BARRIER separates you from a primitive trail on the other end of the alleyway.

> Scrutinise the fruit carefully, then bite into it.

Now that you are sure your surroundings bear no immediate threat, you examine the UNIDENTIFIED FRUIT with your XENOBOTANY skill.

SUCCESS! The fruit appears to be a hybrid derivative of the Terran ORANGE, though obviously modified to somehow survive on this wretched, hostile world. How that FRUIT-MONGERING SAVAGE obtained access to Terran fruit is a mystery. Perhaps he salvaged it from the wreckage of a space freighter... there could be other CIVILIZED PEOPLE surviving on this world! You hope that the SAVAGES have not eaten them.

...then bite into it.

You are a Drip, and, unlike the famous Kirby, you have no mouth. You obtain nourishment only through mild aero-static friction generation and other techno-babble that would take a scientist to explain.

> Enter a motherly state and panic in worrying about Nigel's wellbeing.

You are mildly concerned about your friend Nigel.

No longer within the FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM's Empathy Radius, Nigel has become a FERAL NIGEL and been disbanded from the party.

> Put on SPACE SUIT, knowing that if you activate ROCKET BOOTS, you won't gain the BLINDED Action Trait.

You have a novel idea: wearing the SPACE SUIT. For the first time since crashing on this hostile planet, you don your trusty and familiar protective SPACE SUIT.

Your SKINCLENCH FACTOR is reduced by 0.5 due to the layer of FLEXIKEVLAR FABRIC for an effective rating of 2.

> Observe the SPACE BUG and enlist it into the PARTY.

You observe the HIDEOUS SPACE BUG closely.

You aren't able to determine much about its nature, but you decide to try to enlist it anyway.
You quickly prepare your HUG ANALOGUE: PLAYFUL FOOTSIE.


EPIC FUMBLE!!

You have slain the HIDEOUS SPACE BUG.

Put the DEAD HIDEOUS SPACE BUG into your inventory.

You pick up the slain HIDEOUS SPACE BUG and place it in the pocket of your SPACE SUIT.

> Carve HELMET out of DEAD HIDEOUS SPACE BUG.

As long as you have the corpse of this otherworldly monstrosity, you figure you should try to make some armor out of its carapace.
Maybe it's ACID RESISTANT; you hate ACID.

With your equipped ORANGE, you attempt to carve the DEAD HIDEOUS SPACE BUG into something useful.

You have little success.

> Scale chain-link fence

You think lustfully upon the untold riches that surely lie beyond that CRUDE BARRIER.


However, you think you'd better wait for your SPACE SUIT's ROCKET SHOES to cool down before attempting to "climb" anything.

> Search through TRASH.
You are curious as to why the BARBARIC SAVAGES of this planet would fill this PRIMITIVE ALTAR with filth. You decide to examine its contents more closely, in case they are hiding something valuable.

You are thankful that you are wearing your SPACE SUIT; this is quite disgusting. It's almost as if this PRIMITIVE ALTAR is being treated as little more than a WASTE RECEPTACLE. Perhaps there was a religious revolution recently.

Are you sure you want to dig through the filth? Y/N

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> No. Why dig when you can overturn the TRASH CAN.
You somewhat grudgingly give in to your baser instincts and overturn the PRIMITIVE ALTAR.

Some ASSORTED FILTH flows out sickeningly. You bend in for a closer examination.

> Pick up PIECE OF PAPER

That paper looks interesting. You extricate it from the ASSORTED FILTH and give it a gander.

It appears to be a FOLDED MISSIVE. One side contains alien text and photographs printed in a red ink and some sticky pink substance, and it appears that someone scrawled an INDECIPHERABLE ALIEN MESSAGE on the MISSIVE's back.
You carefully fold up the note and deposit it in the second pocket of your SPACE SUIT.

Pick up toy

You rescue the poor little BARBARIAN DOLL from the ASSORTED FILTH.


You have reached the Equip Limit of your SKINCLENCH FACTOR. If you attempt to carry anything more, you will drop something. Unless you wear it on your head, I guess, in which case gravity and friction do the work for you and no SKINCLENCHing is required.

Is that a dead plant? Does xenobotany work on dead things? Let's find out.

> Use XENOBOTANY on WITHERED BLOSSOM.

You make a XENOBOTANY Skill Check on the BLOSSOM.

SUCCESS! This WITHERED FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM is on the verge of DECAY. It bears some subtle differences from Nigel's FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM, but seems to be of the same species.

Use ORANGE on TOY to color it.

You decide that the neglected BARBARIAN DOLL looks quite sad and filthy. You decide to enhance it with your ORANGE.

The power of ORANGE has merged with your BARBARIAN DOLL to create an adorable CITRUS-HELMETED STAINED BARBARIAN DOLL. You are quite pleased.

> Pick up BLOSSOM.
>Wear other half of ORANGE on head as TRENDY HEADGEAR.

My, we certainly enjoy playing in filth, don't we?

You have acquired an ORANGE YARMULKA. You have equipped the WITHERED FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM and the HELMETED BARBARIAN DOLL. You think you've acquired everything that could possibly be useful in this alleyway, and you can't carry any more anyway.

You suddenly hear some bestial growling behind you!

>INVESTIGATE!

You peer through the CRUDE BARRIER.

A strange red BEAST-OF-BURDEN is growling softly to itself. It does not appear to have noticed you.

>Throw HELMETED BARBARIAN DOLL over the barrier at it to get its attention.

You throw the DOLL mightily!

The BARBARIAN DOLL catches the top of the CRUDE BARRIER and loses its helmet. A mysterious, FLUFFY WHITE SUBSTANCE bursts forth from the DOLL's innards.

The red BEAST-OF-BURDEN's growling softens to a quiet purr.

>If you can reach, examine and take the FLUFFY WHITE SUBSTANCE.

You examine the FLUFFY WHITE SUBSTANCE.

It seems to be infested with HIDEOUS SPACE LARVAE. Are you sure you want to take it? Y/N

> Why just stop at taking the FLUFFY WHITE SUBSTANCE with HIDEOUS SPACE LARVAE?! Take the FLUFFY WHITE SUBSTANCE with HIDEOUS SPACE LARVAE and equipped it as your new DEADLY WEAPON! Surely for it to be in the PRIMITIVE ALTAR along with ASSORTED FILTH, it must be either really important or unwanted by the NATIVES. Either way, it's a win!

Yes! These HIDEOUS SPACE LARVAE will be the perfect weapon for warding off the SAVAGES! You will be like unto a maggoty god!

On second thought, the FLUFFY WHITE SUBSTANCE and HIDEOUS SPACE LARVAE are too crumbly to make an effective weapon; it would fall apart if you tried to pick it up.

>Put it on your head to save space.

You combine the LARVAE with your ORANGE YARMULKA to accentuate your headwear.

You are looking quite dapper!

You look back through the CRUDE BARRIER.

You think you see something moving beneath the BEAST-OF-BURDEN's semi-transparent carapace...


You have been spotted by the BEAST-OF-BURDEN.

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>Toss the WITHERED FRIENDSHIP BLOOM at the BEAST OF BURDEN as a gesture of peace.

You toss the BLOSSOM toward the BEAST through one of the gaps in the CRUDE BARRIER, hoping to win the monster's friendship.


The BEAST OF BURDEN seems to have fully awoken from its gentle slumber, raising its tender EYESTALKS to glare at you from beneath its ARMORED CARAPACE.

The BEAST reacts negatively to having objects thrown in its direction.

You now know the true meaning of fear.

> Do nothing. The BEAST is on the other side of the impenetrable BARRIER. You're perfectly safe. In fact, taunt it some more, just for laughs.

You shake off your initial fear, confident that this CRUDE BARRIER will protect you from the mindless BEAST-OF-BURDEN. You even do a sassy dance to prove to yourself that you are unafraid.

The beast is clearly angered.

> Attack BEAST OF BURDEN with LARVAE-RIDDEN ORANGE YARMULKA.

The YARMULKA was pretty gross anyway. You fling it BEAST-ward.


The BEAST appears enraged by this!

>Fling the strange Altar at the beast!

Time to step it up a notch. You heft the PRIMITIVE ALTAR and throw it as hard as you can, considering your limitations.

The ALTAR loudly smashes into the CRUDE BARRIER.

The CRUDE BARRIER has been slain.

The BEAST approacheth.

> Flatten STRANGE ALTAR'S LID and throw at BEAST of BURDEN.

No longer armed with your adorable BARBARIAN DOLL, ORANGE, or WITHERED FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM, you decide to use this planet's own scenery against it! Wishing you had the time and ability to flatten it into a more dangerous weapon, you seize the lid (or possibly the Mercy Seat) of the PRIMITIVE ALTAR to throw at the approaching BEAST OF BURDEN.

The BEAST catches the ALTAR COVER in its GAPING MAW!

At least it will buy you some time as the BEAST chews over your latest retort.

>Cover self in ASSORTED FILTH to try and make BEAST-OF-BURDEN disgusted enough to leave you alone.

A-HA! Your superior cunning leads you to put FILTH on your head in order to protect yourself.

Brilliant! You hope that it's mostly Easter grass.

Make like a tree and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE

You think to yourself: trees have long lives. What would they do in a situation like this? This line of thought reminds you of your good and only friend Nigel, helplessly FERAL in the wilderness of this SAVAGE WORLD. You mustn't die now! Nigel needs you!

You activate your ROCKET SHOES and acquire the FLYING Action Trait, as well as the BLINDED Action Trait at 25% effectiveness, as moldy spaghetti partially obscures the visor of your SPACE SUIT.

Nigel: >Ever since that small Drip had abandoned you here in the wild, you've had to fend for yourself... and things have been going well. Use PHOTOSYNTHESIS to speed up your FERAL growth.

Meanwhile...

The FERAL NIGEL has been soaking up sunshine and growing ever more SAVAGE and FERAL.


You are now the FERAL NIGEL. You have vague recollections of being uprooted by an EVIL DRIP who brought you to his SPACE VESSEL and then dropped it on you. You seem to recall him shooting you in the eye with a ZAP GUN, but your memory of that is quite hazy. For reasons you cannot explain, you know you once felt unparalleled affection for this DRIP, though now all you feel is BETRAYAL and RAGE.

> Nigel: NIGEL is such a horrible name for you. Rename yourself WESLEY

You refuse to go by the SLAVE NAME given to you by that TRAITOROUS DRIP!

You are mean! You are green! You are WESLEY, and you shall have your REVENGE!

> Suddenly feel a chill, as though someone, somewhere, is hating your guts right now. Make a HARDCORE PROMISE to yourself to REGAIN NIGEL'S FRIENDSHIP, no matter what the cost.

The dreadful spectre of a life without Nigel's friendship is bad enough as it is, but Bob somehow gets the sensation that Nigel's affection has turned to BITTER HATRED due to the missing FRIENDSHIP BLOSSOM.

He feels compelled to make an OATH to the ancient SPACE GODS that he will REGAIN NIGEL'S FRIENDSHIP (blossom)!


Back to Nigel...

Nigel - examine surroundings.

You lift a leafy frond to shield your GREEN EYE from the setting sun as you survey your domain.


...Although it would appear that some NATIVE ANIMALS have taken an interest in the downed SPACE VESSEL.

Nigel: Enter a FURIOUS rage demanding the DRIP whom had enslaved you! Devour all who fail to do so.

You cry out in FURY, threatening the NATIVE ANIMALS and surrounding VEGETATION, demanding that your NEMESIS be brought before you to face your EXTREMELY PREJUDICIAL JUSTICE!


However, you don't appear to have grown any lungs and are unable to do more than rustle menacingly.
This is unsettling, as you distinctly remember SAVAGELY "RARR"-ING some time in the distant recesses of your memory.

Wesley: Observe their reactions to the space vessel, seeing their reactions to other species. If they react positively, attempt to communicate peacefully. If not, begin plans for ESCAPE/WAR. None shall defeat you. Not ever again.

You doubt that you will be able to communicate with the NATIVE ANIMALS, but decide to observe them anyway.

One particular group of the NATIVE ANIMALS, wielding SIGNS and wearing TINFOIL helmets, appears to be reacting quite negatively to the presence of the SPACE VESSEL. The others seem but NONPLUSSED to your vegetable sense of empathy.

Wesley/Nigel: Photosynthesize harder, and absorb nutrients from surrounding soil using the REMAINS OF THE THREE EYED MONSTER'S DIGESTIVE SYSTEM still remaining in your root system.

You decide to deal with your VENGEANCE problem the way you deal with most problems. By PHOTOSYNTHESIZING.

Unfortunately, the sunlight is waning and your PHOTOSYNTHESIS Action Trait auto-deactivates. Your Energy Reserves are nearly full anyway, but if you can catch something and eat it, the ACID in your digestive ROOT SYSTEM will break most things down into nourishment.

It occurs to you that this is probably one of those problems that can't be dealt with photosynthetically, and may instead call for the use of your skills.

>Wesley: Let's BLOOMICATE. You've been preparing for this.

You prepare to use your dreaded BLOOMICATE skill.

What type of BLOSSOM do you wish to BLOOMICATE?

>Activate rocket shoes!!

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I'm not sure if I remember how to draw this adventure.



It's been a long time since I abandoned Gimp for ArtRage and Paint.

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Seems perfect to me

Also i just re-read this i love it so much

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As long as the megalomania and shenanigans are still there I will be ecstatic.

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Also:Isn't it supposed to be like riding a bicycle?

ie. You try once, fail spectacularly in front of everyone ( injuring yourself severely in the process) and then never try again?