Horoscopes (the voices in your head were right)

Aries (March 21 - April 19):
You are going to have a great week. The stars are rewarding you for your inherently good nature and looks. No point in stressing about the mirror you are going to break, the stars have got you covered.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
You came from the earth, and to the earth you will return. Be wary of any large creatures stalking you to your home; this time, they want more than your left socks.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Don't take up a career in politics. If you are currently single, you are very lonely. If you are not single, you will be shortly.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
The stars know what you did in the dark. They will to punish you. Run.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):
You will pass a penny on the ground today. If you pick it up, a windfall of illicit substances will be discovered. If you see it, but don't pick it up, your condition will worsen (I hope you like the smell of dead rodent). If you walk by it obliviously, you will also walk past the rest of the money in the wallet, as well as the body.

Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Love is in your future. A lawsuit is also in your future.

Libra (September 23 - October 22):
Pick a religion and pray. Not even the stars can help you now.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
What's black and white and red all over? The street. Oh god, so much red. So, so much red.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
The monster in your closet is affecting your dreams. The block in your creative energies will be forcefully removed. Expect some cramping in the torso region.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Left. Left. Left. Right. 45°09'35.4"N, 24°38'27.8"E. Good luck.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Another boring day in your boring life. There isn't much point in getting up this week, so cancel everything and stare at your ceiling for days.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
The next Sunday you spend on a beach will be your last. If you are single, expect a long-form census in the mail.

reyweld you broke rule 4. a reckoning is oncoming

which one is rule 4, i forgot

(more in the future? rate the thread to feed the beast)

in-effect rules are in the "what is hawkspace after dark" thread

i am ready, what is my punishment.

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS TODAY, THE WORLD IS GOING TO MESS WITH YOUR BRAIN.

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

if your birthday is today, you will discover strange symbols tatooed on the sole of your left foot. if it is a pentagram, you have overdue bills. if it is an eye, the one you love the most has betrayed you. if it is in invisible ink, you are better off not knowing your future (or seeing the tattoo).

[Reyweld]: Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
[Reyweld]: Love is in your future. A lawsuit is also in your future.

>> To [Reyweld]: I appreciate the thought, but could you perhaps provide a prediction for a time closer to the present?
[Jacquerel]: August 23rd is a long time away and it'd be useful to know what's coming up sooner so that I can prepare for that lawsuit.

If your birthday is today (or was yesterday, for that matter) you will realize something. A buzzcut is in your near future.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Left. Left. Left. Right. 45°09'35.4"N, 24°38'27.8"E. Good luck.

tarous:
you have a future.

everyone else:
i have some bad news...

if today is your birthday:
you are lying to yourself. try to apply this hidden talent elsewhere.

if your birthday is anytime this week:
kill it with kindness. if that doesn't work, you have a knife in your back pocket for this very reason.

if your birthday is anytime this week:
kill it with kindness. if that doesn't work, you have a knife in your back pocket for this very reason.

but what am i killing

it...

it...

but i don't know anyone who goes by it pronouns

well, you still have 2 more days to find out who or what it is.

horrorscopes: meteorology of the undead

Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Be on the lookout for stray cats. If you touch one, you'll be plagued with dead rodents and birds for the rest of the year. And then a dead cat.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
If you find candy in your freezer, make sure to eat the red ones first. That way, the taste of blood won't linger.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
You should probably stop reading this and go put out that fire.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
All of your fears are perfectly rational, considering what's going to happen to you tommorow.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):
She knows, but she's waiting for you to tell her. Get on with it before you regret your inaction.

Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Eat plenty of garlic tonight, and sprinkle some salt and rice at every entrance. At least then you'll feel safe.

Libra (September 23 - October 22):
That letter wasn't intended for you. Don't touch it and it will disappear after 3 days.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
Stop and smell the roses. If you don't take this time to pause, you'll get caught in the freak accident about to happen up ahead.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
You only have dandruff because God doesn't love you. Frankly, the stars concur.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
When life gives you lemons, eat them whole. Prove you are the alpha human, once and for all.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Today you will luck out in the world of romance. Good for you!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
You're getting drunk tonight. The stars demand it.

If today is your birthday: You will encounter a stripper, a preacher, and a man with a weird scar. Choose wisely, your wallet is at stake!

If today is your birthday: You will encounter a stripper, a preacher, and a man with a weird scar. Choose wisely, your wallet is at stake!

what if they are all the same

Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Keep the chanting to a low murmur tonight. Your neighbours will be looking for a scapegoat, after the incident.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
The stars have kept your horoscope a secret. "Shh," they said, giggling, "the exciting part is coming up! We've been waiting their whole life for this fiasco."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Your long lost sibling will arrive at your home. Long lost, and long forgotten. The memories were too painful, unbearably so. Blood will trickle from your nose as you let them in. You'll talk for minutes, but hours will pass. You'll breathe. They won't. You'll cry. They won't. You'll bleed. They won't.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
Do you like the warm embrace of a fire's heat, the smell of gasoline, or being flung 20 feet in the air? No? That's too bad, considering tomorrow.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):
If you are in a relationship, your hair will fall out in clumps. Not from a disease or illness, but because of the poison your significant other is slipping into your food. If you are single, don't trust the next person to flirt with you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Be ready for a sudden change in your life. A physical change. A monstrous change.

Libra (September 22 - October 22):
When getting up each day this week, toss your pillow off the bed first. If the tentacles reach from under the bed and grab it, this will be your only chance to escape a gruesome and painfully slow death. Stuffed animals, or live animals, are passable substitutes.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
Love yourself. No one else will, after what you do this week.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
Notice the world around you. Breathe in the air, feel the earth. Ask yourself, is it real? Answer dishonestly; they are watching. They know everything you do and see everything you see. Close your eyes! What are you doing, showing them this message? Hide, wander aimlessly until you don't know where you are anymore. You can never open your eyes again, now that they know you know.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Forget, or you will remember. Live, or you will die. If asked for your number, give tell this instead: "226 867 0303, or 03 for short".

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Remember that childhood memory? The one with the thing moving in the darkness, and the fear you felt, quivering and hopeless? What you did to escape it? And later, how you dismissed it, so that you could live with yourself? The peeling flesh and scent of rot you deemed illusion? Too bad, that memory could have saved your life. Goodbye, Aquarius.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
Make sure to smile this week, Pisces. Live your life with teeth to the fullest. Your teeth are temporary, and so are you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
Notice the world around you. Breathe in the air, feel the earth. Ask yourself, is it real? Answer dishonestly; they are watching. They know everything you do and see everything you see. Close your eyes! What are you doing, showing them this message? Hide, wander aimlessly until you don't know where you are anymore. You can never open your eyes again, now that they know you know.

typoing sure is hartd with my eyes closed