Re: The Glorious Championship! [S3G5] [Round Two: The Kestalvian Rainforest]
07-13-2011, 06:58 PM
Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.
Dead ends are really hard to find in an infinitely mirrored series of hallways. This is important because Ned was very, very quick. On a scale of one to ten, one being “a turtle on Jupiter” and ten being “a laser fired from a plane”, Ned was cruising along at about a twelve. AMP and Quantos could only manage a five or so on their best days, Winston was still out of bullets, and Lucky didn’t exactly have any way to corner him. So they kept running, hoping to eventually catch up.
The one thing that made this possible is the fact that Ned had a very specific course in mind, a straight path ahead, and stopped every couple seconds to let out another howl and buzz out a few more notes. The power of the kazoo was overwhelming, and Ned knew on some subconscious level, from his experiences in waking the beast within himself, that if he didn’t let it out he’d probably explode or something.
The whole thing became moot when they reached the dead end. Ned turned around and backed up against the wall, the unlikely quartet slowly approaching. He grinned widely, and screamed at the top of his lungs: “THEN LET’S ROCK!”
He immediately began blasting away at the kazoo, and a massive wall of sound erupted forth. Most individuals would have been slammed violently against the wall; luckily, all of the individuals present were at least 20% denser than an average human being of corresponding volume. As such, they merely scraped back a bit on the ground, Quantos and Winston bringing hands to their eyes to shield them from the intense wind. Eventually, it stopped, and Ned brought the kazoo to his lips again. “NICE ONE, BUT LET’S SEE HOW YOU FARE AGAINST—”
was suddenly seized with an intense desire. It was not the desire to rock, though it might be considered similar; rather, it was a desire to throw a brick through a window. AMP lacked the arms which he wanted to do this with, not to mention bricks. So instead, he threw a space station at Ned. He was satisfied enough by the result: a kazoo being knocked out of his hand, and flying directly towards Quantos.
Quantos looked over the kazoo lustfully. The sheer power it exuded would have corrupted any ordinary man, woman, or robot. But Quantos knew one thing, as he crammed it into his arm and prepared to jump backwards in time:
He was no ordinary man, robot, or combination of the above. He was Quantos Xodarap, and he would save the world.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The next time traveler ended up being a policeman in Chicago during the reign of Al Capone, utterly incorruptible, but eventually died painfully in an alleyway from a hit job.
He gave it to a nomadic warrior circa 3000 BCE, determined to prove herself to her people. She succeeded, but her name has long since been washed from history. After suffering fatal wounds in battle, she handed it off a very lean fellow in a plaid shirt and khaki pants. Unfortunately, he was already a time traveler, and it ended up in the hands of an investigative reporter who tried and failed to track him down.
This investigative reporter, soon enough, ended up going to Vietnam. His goal was to track down the truth behind the My Lai Massacre, and in doing so become the most famous reporter in centuries. He instead stepped on several mines in quick succession, and the arm ended up in the hands of a soon-to-be-veteran of the Vietnam War, a Pukeson native who was going back home in just a couple months.
Said man stared impassively at Ned’s death throes; deprived of the kazoo, he was now incapable of life without it, and tore at his face, withering into a shriveled husk, before disappearing with an audible *pop* and a cloud of confetti.
Winston adjusted his beret, and left. “Now, if you’ll excuse me. I got somethin’ to do.” With this, he tore the kazoo out of his mechanical arm, and disappeared.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Gaurinn and Cailean were both rather surprised to see a Vietnam veteran/cyborg in a weird, vaguely blue void, seemingly out of nowhere. The former of the duo angrily piped up. “Hey, what the hell do you think you’re—“
The cyborg silenced him with a quick wave of his hand. “Listen, I ain’t got much time. I’m about to die, which means I have to explain things to the next time traveler, which I figure is you two, seeing as I’m cramming my arm down your throat.” Winston proceeded to do just this, and the auto-bonding/healing nanites within the arm slowly began the incredibly slow and painful process of bonding to the not-a-centipede.
“Mmmngh! Fssnghg!”
Winston lit himself one last cigarette, and took a puff, smiling a melancholy, wistful smile. “Because I decided you deserved it, that’s why. Maybe it was stupid of me. Point is, you’re the next time traveler, and, uh… some crap I gotta tell you… oh, right. Protect the timestream from paradoxes, the rest is shit you don’t need to concern yourself with. See ya.”
And with that, Cail, Gaurinn, and the other six remaining contestants were whisked away from Pukeson, hopefully forever, because I tell you, that town is not nearly as nice as advertised! Oh, and sorry for dumping you all in a Denny’s that wasn’t actually a Denny’s. Still, you had fun, right?”
The Hedonist grinned at the seven-and-a-half contestants before him. “Oh, and I dearly hope that you all enjoyed breakfast.” He took a few attempts at lighting a cigarette, which he then began vaguely gesturing with rather than placing in his mouth. “My apologies to you, Mr. Xodarap, but I hope you’ll enjoy your consolation prize… a $50 gift certificate, good at any Denny’s restaurant (Expires two months after the recipient)!”
He cleared his throat from the parenthetical statement. “By the by, zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero one one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero one one zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero one one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero one zero one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one one one zero zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero one one one one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero one one one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero one zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one one one zero one one zero zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero one one zero zero one one one zero one zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one zero one zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one zero one one zero zero zero one one one one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one one one zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one one zero one one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero one! But we’re not here to talk about that, are we, we’re here to talk about the next round! Crumb, fetch me my pith helmet!”
An exasperated voice came from the next room over. “Right away, sir.” After about five minutes, the man in the lime-green hat entered the room, and halfheartedly tossed said headgear to the djinni, who donned it with a grin.
“Now, you’re all going to be taking a very special trip to the Kestalvian Rainforest, a fantastic place full of more species than biologists can hope to catalog in a century! In fact, you might even find one that hasn’t been discovered yet.” He laughed. “If that happens, you’ll almost certainly get horribly maimed! Who knows, though? You might get lucky!”
At this, he grabbed Lucky and twirled it on his finger, sending wisps of smoke swirling around its metallic exterior. “Like me, just now! Ahahahaha! Jerry, laugh.” Crumb gave a laugh with a preposterously low level of enthusiasm, before tapping his finger on a clipboard. “You should send them along, sir.”
The djinni sighed and laughed at the same time, which might seem like quite a feat until you consider that he didn’t have lungs in the traditional sense. “Alright, then! Happy trails, all!"
Dead ends are really hard to find in an infinitely mirrored series of hallways. This is important because Ned was very, very quick. On a scale of one to ten, one being “a turtle on Jupiter” and ten being “a laser fired from a plane”, Ned was cruising along at about a twelve. AMP and Quantos could only manage a five or so on their best days, Winston was still out of bullets, and Lucky didn’t exactly have any way to corner him. So they kept running, hoping to eventually catch up.
The one thing that made this possible is the fact that Ned had a very specific course in mind, a straight path ahead, and stopped every couple seconds to let out another howl and buzz out a few more notes. The power of the kazoo was overwhelming, and Ned knew on some subconscious level, from his experiences in waking the beast within himself, that if he didn’t let it out he’d probably explode or something.
The whole thing became moot when they reached the dead end. Ned turned around and backed up against the wall, the unlikely quartet slowly approaching. He grinned widely, and screamed at the top of his lungs: “THEN LET’S ROCK!”
He immediately began blasting away at the kazoo, and a massive wall of sound erupted forth. Most individuals would have been slammed violently against the wall; luckily, all of the individuals present were at least 20% denser than an average human being of corresponding volume. As such, they merely scraped back a bit on the ground, Quantos and Winston bringing hands to their eyes to shield them from the intense wind. Eventually, it stopped, and Ned brought the kazoo to his lips again. “NICE ONE, BUT LET’S SEE HOW YOU FARE AGAINST—”
was suddenly seized with an intense desire. It was not the desire to rock, though it might be considered similar; rather, it was a desire to throw a brick through a window. AMP lacked the arms which he wanted to do this with, not to mention bricks. So instead, he threw a space station at Ned. He was satisfied enough by the result: a kazoo being knocked out of his hand, and flying directly towards Quantos.
Quantos looked over the kazoo lustfully. The sheer power it exuded would have corrupted any ordinary man, woman, or robot. But Quantos knew one thing, as he crammed it into his arm and prepared to jump backwards in time:
He was no ordinary man, robot, or combination of the above. He was Quantos Xodarap, and he would save the world.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The next time traveler ended up being a policeman in Chicago during the reign of Al Capone, utterly incorruptible, but eventually died painfully in an alleyway from a hit job.
He gave it to a nomadic warrior circa 3000 BCE, determined to prove herself to her people. She succeeded, but her name has long since been washed from history. After suffering fatal wounds in battle, she handed it off a very lean fellow in a plaid shirt and khaki pants. Unfortunately, he was already a time traveler, and it ended up in the hands of an investigative reporter who tried and failed to track him down.
This investigative reporter, soon enough, ended up going to Vietnam. His goal was to track down the truth behind the My Lai Massacre, and in doing so become the most famous reporter in centuries. He instead stepped on several mines in quick succession, and the arm ended up in the hands of a soon-to-be-veteran of the Vietnam War, a Pukeson native who was going back home in just a couple months.
Said man stared impassively at Ned’s death throes; deprived of the kazoo, he was now incapable of life without it, and tore at his face, withering into a shriveled husk, before disappearing with an audible *pop* and a cloud of confetti.
Winston adjusted his beret, and left. “Now, if you’ll excuse me. I got somethin’ to do.” With this, he tore the kazoo out of his mechanical arm, and disappeared.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Gaurinn and Cailean were both rather surprised to see a Vietnam veteran/cyborg in a weird, vaguely blue void, seemingly out of nowhere. The former of the duo angrily piped up. “Hey, what the hell do you think you’re—“
The cyborg silenced him with a quick wave of his hand. “Listen, I ain’t got much time. I’m about to die, which means I have to explain things to the next time traveler, which I figure is you two, seeing as I’m cramming my arm down your throat.” Winston proceeded to do just this, and the auto-bonding/healing nanites within the arm slowly began the incredibly slow and painful process of bonding to the not-a-centipede.
“Mmmngh! Fssnghg!”
Winston lit himself one last cigarette, and took a puff, smiling a melancholy, wistful smile. “Because I decided you deserved it, that’s why. Maybe it was stupid of me. Point is, you’re the next time traveler, and, uh… some crap I gotta tell you… oh, right. Protect the timestream from paradoxes, the rest is shit you don’t need to concern yourself with. See ya.”
And with that, Cail, Gaurinn, and the other six remaining contestants were whisked away from Pukeson, hopefully forever, because I tell you, that town is not nearly as nice as advertised! Oh, and sorry for dumping you all in a Denny’s that wasn’t actually a Denny’s. Still, you had fun, right?”
The Hedonist grinned at the seven-and-a-half contestants before him. “Oh, and I dearly hope that you all enjoyed breakfast.” He took a few attempts at lighting a cigarette, which he then began vaguely gesturing with rather than placing in his mouth. “My apologies to you, Mr. Xodarap, but I hope you’ll enjoy your consolation prize… a $50 gift certificate, good at any Denny’s restaurant (Expires two months after the recipient)!”
He cleared his throat from the parenthetical statement. “By the by, zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero one one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero one one zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero one one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one zero one zero one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one one one zero zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero one one one one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero one one one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one one zero zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero one zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one one zero one zero zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one one one zero one one zero zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero zero one one zero zero one one one zero one zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one zero one zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one zero one one zero zero zero one one one one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero zero one one zero one one one one zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero one one one zero zero one one zero one one zero zero one zero one zero one one one zero zero one zero zero one one one zero one one zero zero one one zero one zero zero one zero one one zero one one one zero zero one one zero zero one one one zero zero one zero zero zero zero one! But we’re not here to talk about that, are we, we’re here to talk about the next round! Crumb, fetch me my pith helmet!”
An exasperated voice came from the next room over. “Right away, sir.” After about five minutes, the man in the lime-green hat entered the room, and halfheartedly tossed said headgear to the djinni, who donned it with a grin.
“Now, you’re all going to be taking a very special trip to the Kestalvian Rainforest, a fantastic place full of more species than biologists can hope to catalog in a century! In fact, you might even find one that hasn’t been discovered yet.” He laughed. “If that happens, you’ll almost certainly get horribly maimed! Who knows, though? You might get lucky!”
At this, he grabbed Lucky and twirled it on his finger, sending wisps of smoke swirling around its metallic exterior. “Like me, just now! Ahahahaha! Jerry, laugh.” Crumb gave a laugh with a preposterously low level of enthusiasm, before tapping his finger on a clipboard. “You should send them along, sir.”
The djinni sighed and laughed at the same time, which might seem like quite a feat until you consider that he didn’t have lungs in the traditional sense. “Alright, then! Happy trails, all!"
Spoiler