The Glorious Championship! [S3G5] [Round... Uh, Seven? The Oasis]

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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In the center of a glimmering mansion, deep within a vast desert (though sandwiched right next to an oasis), just below sea level on a planet as close as possible to the exact center of an alternate universe, its owner let out a sigh. Surrounded as far as the eye could see by piles of gold, heaps of food, and attractive women, he could see no valid reason for how bored he had become with existence. He had lived for millennia, doing everything he could think of to pass the time; at first it was simple enough, reading some literature and occasionally getting a bit of painting in and doing battle with sorcerers of various intents to determine who would be sealing whom in which container, but as the years wore on he had slowly exhausted potential diversion after potential diversion until any further wracking of his brain proved fruitless. And thus did he retreat to the center of his mansion, surrounded by decadence he could not enjoy, staring at a wall even as a hand traveled across his cheek, sulking.

A knock came from the door and a bearded man in a gray suit and a lime-green baseball cap poked his head into the room. "Sir? Your new scrying panel has arrived." The djinni lazily waved off the girls and stared disinterestedly at the massive box the man had brought in.

"Sir, evidently there's over a million new universes to--"

The master of the house merely raised his hand to silence his assistant, pointing to the wall where the previous panel still resided before frying it with a blast of electricity. A smile played across his face for such a brief period it could only have been seen under a strobe light; the assistant quickly put himself to work attaching the new panel and making sure it was in proper working order. The djinni placed his hands against the panel and slowly scanned through every universe he could find, only to be disappointed at every turn. "Nothing new... it's nothing I haven't seen before, Jerry. All the same old--"

He suddenly went silent, and Gerald Crumb raised an eyebrow. The screen displayed eight organisms of varied form, all in a row. A single noise resounded in both of the viewers' minds:

"Welcome, to the Grand Battle."

A few hours later, a massive grin was playing across the djinni's face. Gerald smiled slyly as well.

"So then. I suppose this means, sir, that you have an idea of how to entertain yourself now?"

The djinni nodded back. "That would be correct, Jerry. I do believe that nothing will get me out of this funk better than a GLORIOUS CHAMPIONSHIP!"

"Oh dear, I hope that title drop wasn't too heavy-handed."
"It was fine, sir."

RULES

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The man in the lime-green hat walked into a room filled with several lesser genies, all anticipating the announcement he has to make. He scanned the crowd, flipped through a notebook, sighed, and adjusted a nearby microphone.
“Alright, the lot of you. Name’s Gerald Crumb. You know me as your boss’s right-hand man. Let me explain what we’re doing here, most of which has been thoroughly documented here, but some of which might be news. Each of you’s going to scour some universe or another for a contestant in the boss’s battle to the death. They probably shouldn’t know about its existence yet, unless they’re some kinda crazy time-hoppy guy or something. Only eight of ‘em are making it in, though, so make sure they’ll interest the big guy, alright?

Funny thing about contestants is that they act simultaneously, so feel free to let your little games of fate infringe on the guys you didn’t enter. (NON-METAFICTIONAL EXPLANATION: You can control contestants besides your own if it helps your post and the plot and stuff! Just try not to act out-of-character, and when in doubt, ask the person whose character it is!)

Now, the way a battle to the death works is pretty simple. Up to seven rounds, each ending when a contestant dies. Now, normally when you’re dealing with these things, it’s just whoever’s strongest that wins, but for the record, I think it’d be best for everyone involved if we give the boss what he wants, by which I mean one way or another, the least interesting guy’s gonna wind up dead at the end of the round. (NME: Worst writer, or least active writer, dies at the end of the round. I have final decision who’s “worst”, but will be glad to hear readers’ opinions.) Once somebody’s dead, round’s over, next round starts somewhere else.

Couple of specifics regarding making the whole thing interesting. Make sure you don’t pick somebody who’s ridiculously powerful compared to the other contestants, particularly if they don’t show it at first; the boss wants a fairly linear progression of events, so don’t screw with reality in a way that contradicts what’s already happened; and whatever, you do, don’t let anyone get killed before the boss gets bored, or else both you and your contestant are in for some repercussions. Just try to make their deaths interesting, alright? (NME: No godmodding, avoid plotholes, no kills before the end of round; in addition, ask before you permanently injure/change someone’s character, and try to obey English spelling/grammar rules, be they British or American. Whoever dies gets one week to write their death post before I pass the torch to somebody else.)

Now, you may have noticed a common thread here. The boss wants to be entertained, so... make sure your entrants do entertaining things. You can talk to each other if it helps, and you should always care more about how interesting the game is overall than how well you and your contestant do personally. (NME: Co-operate to make an interesting story. It can be helpful to scheme on the #grandbattle IRC channel on EsperNet, or via PM.)

One last thing before you start scouring the multiverse: interaction is key. Some chump who just sits off by himself doing nothing in order to avoid getting hurt? Yeah, he’s not getting far. Make sure your contestant interacts with others, be it forming alliances, carefully manipulating them, or just being a boisterous idiot who repeatedly tries and fails to hurt them. It’s also nice to try and keep all the contestants “moving in one direction”, all focused on one common goal that they want achieved or not achieved, but it’s hardly mandatory.

Right, then. Any questions, speak now or forever hold your peace. You want to enter someone, you’re going to need to fill out the following form for them. Remember, winner gets a prize.”

Crumb proceeded to grab a hefty stack of entry forms and scatter them to the crowd. They scrambled for them, grabbing them from left and right. Each individual form reads:
[Username: It’s right to the left of the post you’re about to make. Why do we put it in the profile? IT IS AN IMPENETRABLE MYSTERY.]
Name: Name of contestant.
Gender: Male/Female/Not Applicable/“Other” (please specify)
Species: Species of Contestant
Associated Color: Choose a color to be associated with your contestant. No duplicate entries, please. (NME: Make posts in this color. This one is mine, so it’s off-limits.)
Weapons/Abilities: List contestants’ distinguishing skills and/or equipment here.
Description: Distinguishing characteristics, both physical (e.g. height, build, eye color, hair color/hairstyle, scars, missing limbs, extra limbs, clothing, etc.) and mental (mainly personality).
Biography: Contestant’s life prior to being considered for battle. Should probably be interesting, and don’t skimp on important details.

1. veerserif -- Gabe Farrell -- Terminated Due To Anger Management Issues And Creating An Unhealthy Workplace Environment
2. Not The Author -- "Lucky" VII -- Steel Blue
3. engineclock and Anomaly -- Cailean Lachlan/Maowyn and Gaurinn -- Zombified, Disproven, Disembodied
4. Adenreagen -- Elimine Fraze -- Heroically Sacrificed
5. Jakester390 -- Quantos Xodarap -- Heroically Sacrificed
6. Pick Yer Poison -- AMP -- Created A Dystopia, Then Revolted Against Itself
7. Lord Paradise -- The Convolution -- Yellow on Purple
8. TimeothyHour -- Etiyr -- White on black

The crowd scattered and headed out through various dimensional portals, seeking the entity that would grant them the grand prize...

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