Spoiler
so we did some driving practice yesterday. it went pretty okay until the end. we usually end practice by driving into a small parking lot in the area we drive around, and then we switch seats so he drives us back home, or to the store or something.

this time he wanted me to practice backing out of a parking space a few times. i always mostly forget how the car moves in reverse+which way to turn the steering wheel to make the car go in reverse in the direction you want it to, so this is an important thing to... stop forgetting. i get that.

except this time he decided to try to help me understand, by explaining which way the tires are pointed, with really vague language and hand gestures, which just confused me even worse. and then he angrily denied me any clarification with his explanation, telling me "there's only two ways to turn the car, just choose one."

by this point i was freaking out and just not moving at all, and now he's getting angrier and telling me to just move already, my brain is static and i tell him i can't think and i want to stop and he demands that i continue, of course i turn the wrong direction so he makes me do a few more rounds

as this continues i cry and panic and can't process what i'm actually doing, or what he's saying, and almost hit the curbs as i do a few more rounds of this parking practice (which isn't even worth anything, i'm not in a state of learning right now)
eventually i hit the curb and he screams and swears at me, repeatedly asking me WHY i did that
we switch seats, he's still asking why i hit the curb
he accuses me of doing it on purpose to "get back at him"(???)
i get my bearings back just enough to ask if it actually, honestly seems to him like i hit the curb out of spite, he screams OF COURSE, WHY ELSE WOULD DO YOU IT

might i add that he actually did notice that i was having a breakdown at the wheel when it started, all he did was ask if i was okay and then tell me to keep trying to park or whatever

then we went to get some fast food
on the way he jokingly said he "should yell at me more often, so i get used to it" (!!!!!!!!)

in the drive-thru, he noticed i was still broken down, and asked me what was wrong. i asked him if he actually thought that i was in a functional state of mind when i was frozen, crying, at the wheel. he said "yes, that's normal". I don't even understand what he meant by that.
anyway there's 100% confirmation that my dad "has zero comprehension of other peoples' mental/emotional wellbeing", raibys

SpoilerI guess I'm either going to dump this on one of my parents or strangers somewhere on the internet, and my mother already worries herself sick when she knows I have to drive in the dark while my father will most likely scold me until I fix the problem myself, and I know from experience that that's counterproductive.

I'm sitting here at 4 AM(Well, it's 6AM now that I'm hitting the submit button), with an assignment open, and I've been trying to get a start on it since 10 PM. Normally I would quit at this point, as I don't function all that well past midnight, but I had been going through this same routine yesterday untill midnight, and I've been on a similar procastination streak all week save for christmas.

There seems to be something about writing an assesment that I can't grasp. I'm great at giving feedback on the matter but as soon as I try to write something myself, I can't even produce something worth reviewing. It's not a self esteem thing either, I'm almost literally missing half the points on a checklist I have to fulfill. Handing in my 'work', if you would even call it that, in its current state would be the equivalent of telling everybody they're gonna have to do my work for me because I sure won't, all whilst flipping them off.

Normally this wouldn't be so bad, but
-This is part of a group assigment, and me and my comrades had promised one-another we would have it done on the 20th. And that's if something came up and we couldn't do it earlier. I'm not the only guy who hasn't done jack-squat, but my only virtue in a group tends to be my reliability. I can't joke to save my life and I have zero leadership qualities, but at least when I'm told come early and bring lunch I'm there before sunrise with cupcakes. Someone even got a little voyeuristic and started bashing on a hypothetical culprit who got into a situation where they had to work during christmas break. If I end up asking for help rather than providing good work, chances are I'm getting kicked out of the group and judging by the way things are currently set up that seems like a surefire way to have me fail college.

-I have other work to do. I'm looking at 8-10 hours a day right now, but that'll keep increasing if I keep spending entire days putting off this simple thing. We're even expected to put 12 hours in on some days, as to allot free time to the weekends, so it's not like this is an abnormally huge workload. But look at me, I spent several days looking at two hours of work instead of doing it.


I guess I should consider dropping out of college because clearly it's giving me stress and maybe I just can't be responsible enough to hold a job that I could get out of it, but my mind is all I have going for me. I'm so bad at speaking, networking and things like lifting that I'm looking at the tomato picker end of the job market if I can't get some kind of technical know-how under my belt. It's not like I don't have the brains for college, either. (Though I suppose you could argue that my current work ethics don't really speak well of my ability to think.) I've been able get away with doing very little, it's just that I'm doing next to nothing now.