Spoiler
Bigro: Dud

+2 Persistence
for never giving up, and/or finding the easy way out.

DenizenShipper: Socko

+1 Morality
for attempting to not be a violent, monstrous ex-criminal.

Kieros: Lirweed Smokekick

+Skill: Imperial Metrics - Extra 1d8 to any mathematical action regarding the weight or size of narcotic substances.
for carefully measuring goods

Garuru: Garurar

+5 Meta
because guess

Whimbrel: Sproutling

Damage Bonus: *1.5 against other trees
for nearly cannibalistic dreams.

AgentBlue: Gee Force

+4 Radicality
BONUS TO BEING RAD
WITH AWESOME THEME SONG
HOW DOES HE MAKE ME SO GLAD
I'UNNO

Palamedes: Resplendor the Magnanimous

+2 Mysteriousness
Who knows what's up with this whale? Her backstory's mystery carries over to her very self.

ProfessorLizzard: Piunk Blastoff

Protection: 50% Emotional damage resistance
Having a stoic lack of tears means nobody gets under your skin. Plastic. Whatever you're made of.

SupahKiven: Liph Phawrence

Damage Bonus: *1.5 against Supertoasters, regular toasters.
Your cause of death caused both slight annoyance towards toasters, and a strange ability to make them break rather easily. This is good against the appliances itself, and toaster based robots.

Crowstone: Yaoueueia

-8 Literary Integrity
+Skill: Deus Ex Machina - Do whatever is convenient at the time.
By nobly sacrificing your ability to affect anything in a meaningful way, you get quite a powerful ability indeed.

Dragon Fogel:Allen Gation

+3 JUSTICE
With such a strong sense of justice behind you, of course you're gonna be real good at upholding it

ICan'tGiveCredit: Toasty Megalo

+Skill: Uranium Addiction - Take 2d6 Emotional, Physical, and Mental damage every hour when you go without Uranium for 24 hours, but gain 100% Radiation Damage Resistance during that time.
Smoking all that Uranium's had an effect on you. Now you just can't go a day without taking another hit.

Yewchung: Lee "Potato" Wong

+Skill: From the Top Rope - Jump down onto a target and deal 1d8 damage for every meter above them you attack from.
You at least picked up one good skill they were teaching the wrestlers as it started going Pro before you left. How to jump from real high up without hurting yourself or anybody else. Naturally, you ignored the second part.

Coldblooded: Oscar McGarbageson

Protection: Immunity to being kicked out of a group
Years of mooching has taught you the most important skill: Keeping it up without everybody voting to stop letting you mooch. You're there to stay as long as you want!

yd12k: Kilhe Wrahle

Penalty: -10 Sense
for crimes against Aquaman, who is actually legitimately awesome, you jerk

MasterBlade: Beethoven XXIXIXIIXIX

+20 Sword Proximity Range
When your sword is in Organ form, it can get a little bit further away from you, to compensate for your need to sometimes just basically throw it at an enemy.

Gnauga: Player name

+3 Strength
it was the first thing on the list

Granolaman: Stumpy

+50% chance to become Berserk
Because it takes a toll on you after a while. Next person that gets in your way just might make you flip the fuck out.

Entilliumn: Olbaid Le

+100 Bullshit
oh fuck i already gave the mary sue stat bonus. Um. Things are more likely to go your way when clearly pulled out of your ass or something i don't know do these stats even affect anything in the first place?

Mehgamehn: Captain Plunk

+Skill: Outfly the Guilt - When fleeing any encounter, instantly regain 2d12 Emotional Damage.
Apparently you totally can.

KittenEater: Penne Parmesian

+6 Evil Influence
Maybe the vampires had a poor influence on you. Or perhaps it's just the fact that all wizards are evil and let's face it, pastmancers are basically just a highly specialized kind of wizard. Either way you absorb and expel evil more easily.

Schazer: Healthy

+5 Nourishment
It took a lot of work, but eventually you managed to get your goat intake down. You still need to feed on them, but now there's less visits to the back alley goat dealers, and less chance of getting caught doing something you don't want people to see.

Not The Author: Appallo

+6 Imagination
It takes a lot for a Trash Golem to be formed without quite a bit of trash comprised of it, but you being mostly cardboard with only a bit of rotten materials must mean one thing: You dare to dream.

Mirdini: Socks McSockington/Von Calvinklein

+Skill: Invert - Turn inside out. With proper timing, you can take on a half inside out state for a split moment to combine the powers of both sides. How well you can change sides on command depends on the situation and awareness of the predicament.
The skill that there was basically no choice but to add

Pick Yer Poison: Logalog

+Skill: High Gravity - There's a switch in your suit to change from normal gravity to low gravity, but you tried switching it even harder this one time and now you can switch it so you're like really heavy and fall faster, which is bad news for whatever is beneath you.
for extra stomping power

MrGuy: Totes McGoats

+2 Livestock
You get to start with two goats, donated by a generous reader of your blog, who's certain you can use this to help start your free-range goat farm.