Spoiler


We begin our game with Mario struggling with an impossible internal debate: Will it say Handsome or MORE Handsome?



Actual Hax, thx ellipse tool.



So this is the setting of the game: Bowser's Antarctic Castle. You've probably never heard of it .

Luigi and Yoshi are already here, because fuck why not.



Luigi is an asshole.



!!!

THE RARE DOUBLE-HOLE! BOWSER'S REALLY STEPPED UP HIS GAME THIS TIME!



He's in the hole. He fell into the hole. There's really no debate about this. Its hardly the first one either of you have fell into either. Just...just check the goddamn hole and save us all a geography exam will ya?



Luigi you cannot leave the scene of a crime you're just incriminating yourself here. You have no alibi, nobody else can vouch for you being in the Antarctica for reasons that are NOT killing your brother in a nefarious scheme.

Don't even get me started on motive.



Heck if I know Yoshi. Heck if I know.

Spoiler


Well, here we are in the first REAL WORLD LOCATION that we have to guess. The reason you have to figure out where you are, by the way, is so you can call Yoshi to come join you, despite the fact that you intentionally left him in Antarctica. Why do you need Yoshi? So you can scare away the Pokey in the Pipe*.

So, take a good look at the architecture, get acquainted with it, try to apply your worldly knowledge. Most of them are pretty obvious but I'm gonna play dumb throughout so we can talk to the nice people of this game and make them feel good about their knowledge about the places that they are at.

*Upcoming children's book about how you can never feel safe on a toilet, no matter what your parents say



See, there's one now. Lets talk to the good old Doc Brown, and let him take us on an excellent adventure into this city's past.



See, that's pretty interesting. I'm glad we listened to wait what

Spoiler

With the knowledge of Caesar's Legacy now imparted upon us without any real declaration of consent, we continue on our journey to learn where we are all up ins.

BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO



LOOK



BOTH WAYS



BEFORE CROSSING THE STREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!

Aight, now that we've safely crossed the busy streets of ????, we can continue to collect hints so that we may piece them together and solve The Ancient Riddle of Where The Fuck Man.



Wow, way to ruin the entire game, Mrs. Kermit the Frog.

I mean I guess it makes sense that she wouldn't be trying to hide the name of the city. Luigi straight up asks "Where am I?" and gets his answer. Its just a bit of a kick that the one time you'd actually want an NPC to give you runaround gobbledegook, you just get told all the information.

Also you're doing what in Italian shoes?



I begrudgingly turn to my GLOBULATOR and keep my eyes peeled for any fedora wearing platypodes.



Okay now we gotta lead our dinosaur pal over thousands of miles so we can plant our butt on him. Let's find "Rome, Italy".



Is this Rome, Italy?

Nooooooooooo.



Is this Rome, Italy?

Nooooooooooo.



Is this Rome, Italy?

Right!



Yum yum yum yum yum, delicioso!

Spoiler



Here we find the fair Princess Peach, captured by the most nefarious evil of all: Part-time employment. It would seem she owes a bit of money on her castle's mortgage, and without Mario around as protection she's forced to work a second job on the mean streets of [Rome, Italy] just to keep up.

Also apparently she is 11 feet tall today.



"Is it because your momma's so fat that when they fed her to the lions, she went undefeated?"



Bud!?! BUD!?!

Do you seriously not know me? You go out with my brother! We've BEEN on double-dates before! This is ridiculous!

Also the sign says "Closed". It doesn't say anything about no Gladiator's Spear, it says "Closed". And frankly, if the sign were to have all the information I needed, what would you even be doing here?

I'm not cool with anything in this conversati-Oh neat a pamphlet gimme.



*Proceeds to hand Luigi a Newspaper*

Well, there's only one way to solve this crime.





Straight-up murder!



The witnesses pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary.

Which it isn't.

Spoiler



In the mood to stop murdering, I decided to have a chat with the police.



I am no longer in the mood to chat with the police.

So I went back to murdering...



...and was rewarded with loot!



Aw yeah, Gladiator Spear baby. Time to [responsibly return valuable artifact to its rightful place] in the face!



♪ Doing good deeds for substantial reward money ♪



What kind of questions? Non-incriminating ones, right?

I can answer those kinds.



Excuse me?

How in the gosh is that going to determine the veracity of my claim that this is your spear? Why don't you have someone come out to appraise it? That would seem like the logical course of action for any museum and I'd stake my green mushroom that every other museum in the world that I'm going to visit will not have such a silly way of figuring out if an item is fake.

Also how fat are the people we talking about? Cause I need to know average mass before I can take shot at this.



"This place" seems pretty small from my point of view, frankly it looks like Peach takes up a good 10% herself, but she's clearly a giant so this is about right.



Dang.

Wait, another fake? How many people are showing up with spears anyway?

I mean, are you telling me, that the Koopa I murdered had already tried to return this Spear to you, and you wouldn't take it because he was not skilled at your carnival-ass guessing games? Is that the conclusion I can draw from all this?

I need to take a second, Peach. This is some sick shit.



Kermit lady help plz



They used the spear to "Flee 'em"? Did they, like, pole vault into the stands or something?

That's awesome but it doesn't help me. Imma talk to Doc Brown.



*Furiously writes on back of Yoshi's head*

Okay, anyone else got anything?

Spoiler



Ah, now there's a reliable source of information. Lets go talk to this unattended child, shall we?



See, this is what I'm talking about. Good, easy, unfunny progression.

I went back, and Peach asked me the Seat question, and also the year question that Doc Brown gave me the answer to.



THE MAYOR OF [Rome, Italy] HAS AUTHORIZED ME TO GIVE YOU THESE 2000 AMERICAN DOLLARS, BECAUSE AMERICA. GOOD LUCK FINDING MARIO, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING RIGHT?

I MEAN IT SEEMS MORE LIKE YOU'RE SIGHTSEEING BUT WHATEVER.



ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: VISIT OWN COUNTRY AS STUPID TOURIST.

Spoiler

I decided to scout ahead on what the HOT ITEMS are that I have to find, so I went to the other help desks run by Nurse Joy.



You have to shut the fountain down because people stole some coins out of it? That's gotta be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.