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Our tale of legend and legerdemain begins in a small, unassuming room, all thanks to that god among NPCs, Crazy Yiuf. What was once a simple (very simple) octopode berserker finds, delivered into his tentacles by the hands of Trog himself, THE HAMMER OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT! Xavier the Ducker will now forever be known as Socktopus.

At a stunning +6/+9 with extra Freeze damage, Electricity Resistance, and +2 Dexterity, this is easily the most amazing usable randart I have ever found in this game ever.

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The first threat worth screencapping – not a threat for mighty Socktopus, of course, but one for all you weak-kneed readers – is an ogre stumbled on while Socktopus is at 2/3 HP. For those not in the know, an Ogre is a huge early-game stumbling block for anyone without much armor. Like, say, an octopode. With literally no armor.

How will Socktopus solve this problem?

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The same way he solves every problem: murderous, god-given rage and bloodlust.

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Gh-

Bj-

One hit?

On an ogre?

Really?

What a waste of screencaps.

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Aside from a minor incident with a jelly – which are huge assholes no matter who you are and double so if you're a melee fighter – nothing really noteworthy came up as Socktopus conquered the rest of the floor.

In good news, the jelly lead to the identification of a fireball wand; in bad news, it took three precious charges to kill the damn thing. Socktopus will need to find some rocks to deal with this kind of bullshit next time.

Until then, onward ho!

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Hmm, kind of a lame start. Two jackals is of course no problem for Socktopus, but a centaur could pincushion him in the time it takes to finish them off and then approach the centaur itself.

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This is a much better position; as an added bonus, the jackals got in the centaur's way as Socktopus moved, so he only took an arrow or two. Fortunately, Socktopus has no knees. The ensuing battle was so one-sided that Socktopus doesn't even bother dignifying it with recollection.

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The Legend of Socktopus, Chapter 8: In Which Socktopus Discovers a Spellbook

Now, Trog explicitly forbid using magic, learning magic, looking at magic, and even reading spellbooks, and in fact rewards you for burning the papery devils. Ordinarily, I'd set fire to the sucker immediately for a nice piety boost, but I have Plans for it. Delicious plans.

(The astute among you may notice I actually picked the book up, then threw it, then took a screenshot; to those, I say shut up and stop being such a nerd. I forgot to take the picture then realized this might be an important thing to note and lazily fixed it in post.)

(Socktopus hates nerds)

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Ohhh, damn. Iron Golem. They resist, like, everything. They have huge armor and HP. They can theoretically kill Soctopus in two hits. Obviously, the best plan is to pelt it with rocks and darts until it gets close enough to hit. Fortunately, they're super slow, so ranging them for a while is doable and Socktopus can follow the time honored barbarian tradition of the hit and run once it approaches.

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Fuckin'... ow.

All the meager damage I did while ranging was pretty much immediately regenerated. Pummeling the golem, even with the Hammer, proved pretty ineffective as it resist the freeze damage and has enough armor to absorb the rest. Socktopus can't reliably get two turns to the golem's one, so hitting it always invokes the opportunity for a massive counterattack, as seen in Socktopus's rapidly-dwindling health.

Socktopus wisely decides to get the Hell out of Dodge.

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Welp. Balls.

Fortunately, Socktopus has a spare teleportation scroll handy. It... It's not magic if it's a scroll! This is the word of Trog.

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Having handily escaped, Socktopus encounters a group of killer bees. Socktopus fears no bees!

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Well, maybe Socktopus fears bees a little.

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151 turns later, Socktopus is STILL poisoned and has had to resort to using his regeneration ability just to survive. And now there's an ogre on top of things, but that as demonstrated is kind of a non-issue. The fact that the poison just WON'T go away is making me nervous though.

Still, the snake and the ogre go down easy, and now I know the location of a food shop. In the late game, this will likely become Highly Important.

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Finally healthy again. And it only took 270 turns and several uses of regeneration!

Friggin... bees!

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Now it's time to face Pikel, which those nerds among you may have noticed Socktopus ran past earlier while dodging the golem. This should be pretty easy, but Pikel's slaves can pack a surprising punch, and if Pikel has a pain-branded weapon, he can really do a number on a low-level character.

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Killing slaves doesn't get you any exp, and also you kind of feel like a dick for killing them. That said, those motherfuckers will become friendly if they are still alive after Pikel's death, which means they will wander around killing monsters for you AND EAT UP THE EXP FOR THE KILLS.

Socktopus hardens his barbarian heart and slaughters some innocents to save his sweet, delicious level-ups.

spoiler: everyone dies quickly and efficiently, Socktopus sacrifices their mangled corpses to his god

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This little setup might not actually be as scary as it looks to me, but having long played primarily spellcasters, the game has Pavlov'd me into fearing priests more than just about anything. With their ability to hit you with smites regardless of distance or obstacles, they can eat through your health before you can do much of anything; even Socktopus, with his high HP, will take serious damage before he can approach.

Priests, man. What even is their stupid deal?

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Partway through the massacre, Trog rewards my clerical lifestyle of ending other clerical lifestyles with a literal reward of some kind of greatmace. Neat!

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With the Downer Priests of the Buttgod dead, Socktopus can safely identify his newest toy.

It's... a +2/+2 Greatmace of Crushing. N-... Neat.

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Aaand, that pretty much wraps up this floor. What mysteries and monsters await Socktopus below? And why the heck hasn't he found any branched dungeon paths yet?

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Socktopus reminds himself that he fears no bees, even when he arrives right next to their hive.

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E... Even when their queen shows up.

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Fuck this noise!

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Why are the bee-gods so cruel?

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I actually had to waste a teleport scroll on escaping from bees. That I already climbed stairs to get away from. Friggin' laaame.

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After more than 200 turns of waiting to be not-poisoned, Socktopus is ready to delve into the depths of Dungeon 9 once again. From a different stairway this time.

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Gh-

Come on!

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Much better.

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With floor 9 barely explored, Socktopus tumbles into a shaft that drops him three levels down. Given that even at-level encounters can be near-lethal To make sure that no living thing goes unjustly unkilled, Socktopus's main goal now is to get back up and continue floor-scouring.

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Off to a surprisingly fast start!

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And with nothing scarier than a light snack up this way, Socktopus proceeds onwards and upwards.

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Took a little longer to find this one, but nothing eventful in between the last stair and this one.

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Another nice, safe ascension!

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Oh look, the next stair upwards, I'd better approach it ONLY TO BE DUMPED DOWN ANOTHER SHAFT

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This seems... Familiar.

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Let's try this again!

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Oh, how... Nice. Two priests and an unknowable number of bees hanging around. I can't even stairflee away with them standing next to me like that; they'll get several hits in on me as I descend AND they'll follow me.

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This is a pretty clear reminder that my nervousness of priests is not in fact unwarranted. Fucking smites!

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In what is hard to believe is a coincidence, I have received another gift from Trog upon killing some orc priests. This one is a +1/+5 Dwarven Broad Axe of Venom, which is rather more impressive than the greatmace, but still no Hammer of Corporal Punishment.

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Now, Socktopus can handle two killer bees and three wights wielding freezing weapons while already near death, but FOUR wights is just out of the question. Time to bravely slither up some more stairs!

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After slumming around D8 for a while, Socktopus returns to D9 only to find a flock of draconic lambs awaiting slaughter. Delicious, delicious piety.

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Awwww HELL no!

Electric eels are basically the bane of anyone without significant stealth and powerful ranged attacks. They can repeatedly spit lightning bolts that make wizards feel emasculated and have enough HP to take more than a few rocks, darts, or even arrows.

Fortunately, the suckers lacked Socktopus's foresight to evolve into amphibiousness, and are easily avoided if you notice them before they notice you.

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Unfortunately, further exploration reveals the bastards are guarding the entrance to the Lair of Beasts, one of the easiest and most food-heavy side-branches. Their presence now frustrates Socktopus more than ever!

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It is only after Socktopus's hunger gets the better of him that he remembers... The Hammer grants him electricity resistance. The eels are now trivial and the Lair unguarded.

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And with that, D9 is completely explored!

Socktopus ponders continuing downwards or exploring the Lair for a while. If only his hammer would whisper some suggestions to him!

SpoilerIf it makes you feel better I spent a good 30 minutes trying to make a sock-puppet octopus holding a foam hammer of thor but I didn't have the right socks and it looked terrible and I had to quit.

Technology man.

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This is the Stabotaur.

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These are his impressively poor aptitudes for being the Stabotaur. With -1 to stabbing and -2 to stealth (the most important skills for assassinating) and average throwing proficiency (the skill used for blowguns), minotaurs are ill-equipped for careers in silent killing.

Rather than treat this as a poor man's fighter run and just upgrade my equipment the first chance I get, I'm going to stick with the spirit of the run – on this and hopefully all future runs – and work with the idea of the class. It's going to be an uphill battle, but at least minotaurs are tough enough to outlast things they can't secret-murder.

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With most of the floor cleared, it becomes apparent that poor aptitudes and weak weapons aside, early floors are pretty trivial for primary melee fighters of strong races. These poisoned darts are a lucky find, though; they give me a way to whittle down foes from a distance without losing turns switching to and from my blowgun.

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The sudden appearance of a big group of goblinoids is cause for some alarm, especially when I keep missing.

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Even though the third one tears through a third of my health, the rest of them drop like flies. This is the kind of series of bad rolls that could end a wizard's game; I get the feeling I'm going to be relying on health reserves a whole lot in the coming run.

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And that about takes care of floor one!

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Annnd floor two.

Like I said, the early dungeon is pretty trivial for big monstrous races.

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On floor three, I quickly pick up another potion and decide to gamble. I'm in a safe place with full health and have a nice batch of drinkables; why not take the opportunity to see what's what?

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The first one turns out to be the always-handy (and even handier to have identified when you need it!) potion of curing. The second one is a mediocre but situationally-useful levitation.

The third is a potion of degeneration that tanks my strength by three points. Thankfully, it's temporary, and can be restored by waiting long enough or with a potion of stat restoration. The fourth is invisibility, which I rarely use but may prove useful for an assassin I guess. I don't know! Have I ever mentioned I never really play assassins?

The fifth... The fifth potion is mutation.

I spun the wheel and lost. And not only that, but the sometimes-awesome, usually-awful potion landed me with the "sluggish" mutation; it takes me longer to cross tiles than average. Which makes sneaking up hard and running away near-impossible. Fuuuck me.

This is exactly why you don't do this sort of thing!

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Still, now that I've discovered the (arguably) worst two potions, I'm a lot safer if I try to randomly chug new unidentified ones. Which is good, because I'm basically relying on finding a cure mutation as soon as possible. Two potions immediately present themselves, helpfully labelled "Drink Me". In my mind.

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And wouldn't you know it, the yellow one turns out to be the rare and expensive cure mutation potion!

This is exactly why you should always randomly use and wear things as soon as you find them.

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An impressive +4 ring of strength adds another tally into the "reckless use" score column.

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I also manage to pry a short sword of freezing from some cold, dead kobold hands; short swords aren't as good as daggers for stabbing and assassinizing, but they're better than long blades and way better than non-blade weapons or axes. They're also much more useful in straight-up combat than daggers, and the freezing brand is among the best for general use. All in all, a good find, and one that still lets me play this guy like the clumsy assassin he is!

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On to floor four!

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Soon after arriving, I find a shield. After quickly wikiing (or quikiing) whether or not shields affect stabbing ability (they don't), I grab it. That block chance is going to be real helpful!

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Soon after that, I find a stash of poisoned needles! Now I can finally use my blowgun without feeling like I'm chewing through my precious limited ammo on trivialities.

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Ah, the Ecumenical Temple. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that religion can make or break a game and really give you the tools you need to survive. After much too long agonizing over Okawaru or Trog (with honorable mentions going to Yredelemnul and Makhleb), I settled on Trog and descended.

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Only to find altars to NEITHER, and my runners-up disqualified for requiring too much Invocation aptitude that minotaurs simply lack. I'd say goddammit, but they clearly already have.

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Now this... This is a problem. I'd just finished a battle with a worker ant that left me pretty weakened and still poisoned when an ogre wandered into my line of sight; I thought I'd be able to duck it and let it forget about me, but my stealth just plain isn't high enough and this area of the dungeon didn't have very good places to lose a dumb clubber.

I had to fall back on my blowgun and hope one of me three curare darts would be up to the task.

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Short story shorter, it was. The slow and heavy poison, backed up with extra poison from my regular needles, was enough to get it so far down that it died by the time it reached me. Phew!

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Unfortunately, as I gathered up my remaining darts, it became clear that my curare had broken when fired. Which leaves me with only two left. That is... Not so super.

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Soon enough after that that I'm not even fully healed there is another dadgum ogre. Fortunately, this one's asleep, so I put Stabotaur's money where his mouth is and see if he can make this assassin crap work.

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One hit! That's way better than I expected!

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Four down, too many to survive to go.

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Well, crap. Not only is there a unique right near my entrance to the floor, it's a magic-using one. And not only is it a magic-using unique, it's on a big room floor where all the stairs are clustered together so I'm a big obvious target with nowhere to run and no alternate route to avoid fighting. Looks like it's curare time again! Already!

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Oh, good! Not only did the poison work, but the needle survived too. Time to stack some more poison on that sucker.

Less good is the presence of the mite, but that's not much of an issue at this level.

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Ow! Son of a bitch, this is why you can't asphyxiate magic-users fast enough. And now the mite's noticed me too because of this asshole's stupid chanting.

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And a frog zombie on top of everything, too. I could run at this point and old slowed-and-choking over there wouldn't be able to catch up, but like I said, there's no other way down. Besides, I think I can finish the orc off and then deal with the others.

Time to get my melee on!

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The confluence of monsters is proving... Unfortunate. I expected Blork to go down a lot faster, heavily poisoned as he is. I also expected the frog to take longer to notice me, but man I am just not great at this whole stealth thing!

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Augh, crap crap crap, it is definitely time to run now. Thankfully, zombies are slower than their living counterparts; frustratingly, frogs are already significantly faster than you.

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Fuck, just what I need. Something else to wail on me while I try to run in circles and get some HP back. Or step on a teleportation trap. Or something.

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Fuck fuck fuck, more obstacles and more murderbugs! This... this is pretty much the end of this run, isn't it?

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Oh, that's just what I need: the magic asshole to go invisible on top of it all. At least that means he spent a turn falling behind, I guess. Not much of a consolation when he has ranged spells though.

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Oh, the poison finished him off. That's good at least.

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Also good is the minotaur's I-think-new autoretaliate mutation. Even if it's just a small attack every so often, it got some dudes off my back.

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Boy, this... this is just not a great position at all. Can't go forward without running into imps and zombies, can't go backward without running into walls, can't go up without taking enough hits to die on the way. Still, getting some HP back circling.

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I think at this point, it's time for a desperate last stand. If I can kill off the frog, I should be able to survive ascending so I can rest and regain enough HP to take out everything else down here.

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Turns out: I can't kill off the frog.

Damn.

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Double damn! Teleportation would have been the second scroll I'd tried if I'd gone for the desperate "see if I've got any backup magic" route, and blinking the third. Should have rolled scrolls instead of trying to finish off a monster whose HP I couldn't see. Friggin zombies.

Oh well, there have been worse runs.

Next up, either a Centar Warper or a Centaur Arcane Marksman. Probably the former, since the latter sounds dangerously close to a sensible-if-risky build. Keep suggestions coming!

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This is Centwarp, the most unfortunately-named adventurer to date.

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These are his aptitudes. They, uh... Hmm.

Honestly, I'm more worried about the -3 to both Armor and Dodging than I am the -2 and -1 to Spellcasting and Translocations: the latter pair can be kind of overcome by just funneling as much exp into them as possible (as I have done); a -3 is preeeetty awful, though, and I don't want to divert too much exp into a black hone like that with not much to show for it. At least as a warper with high landspeed I'll be really good at running away from things!

As you can see, I have selected polearms as my weapon of choice; centaurs are equally bad with all melee weapons, so I considered just ditching whatever I ended up with and going with Unarmed Combat to take advantage oh my kickin' hooves. However, since the 0.10 update, all polearms have reach, so I decided to see how that'd work out for me. Maybe this was a bad decision!

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Aww, come on. Right out of the gate, a spear-wielding gnoll? That's just not fair!

I don't really want to deal with this, as the gnoll is likely tougher and more accurate than I am, so it's time to get my flee on.

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Fortunately, the hall I ran blindly down branches quickly, so I should be able to lose him.

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Forgetting for the moment that I can just outrun the gnoll, I spot a room with closable doors. Perfect, I think, I can just hide in here and hope the gnoll wanders past. It'll be just like every cartoon ever, only with less slapstick and more stabbing!

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Of course, that assumes the door isn't clogged by a rat AND a snake before I can close it.

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And a goblin, notorious for its ability to open doors if it sees you closing them.

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Still, I manage to get everyone dead and the door closed before the gnoll shows up. Surely my master plan has no chance to fail now!

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Welp

Fortunately, the gnoll hadn't actually noticed me yet. I manage to play peekaboo with him around the other door out for several turns; all I need is for him to go the right way once and I'm home free.

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Naturally, this doesn't happen, and the game of peekaboo becomes a lethal spear-off. I win, but barely. One roll one way or the other would have completely changed the outcome.

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After some leveling, I take a time-out to learn blink, which will either save my life umpteen times or kill me embarrassingly. Given that centaurs have pretty unimpressive MP reserves, the latter seems a little more likely.

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Still, level one down! It was a bigger issue than it ought to have been, but that was just bad luck.

Right?

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This is your brand new centaur. He comes fully loaded with a book of mediocre hexes and having memorized the Corona spell.

As silly as Corona sounds (it makes enemies... light up), it's infinitely more useful than Apportation, the spell warpers start with that was so pointless at low levels that I never even mentioned it. Corona is actually super helpful if your weapons skills are still low, since it makes melee and ranged attacks more likely to hit. And it stacks!

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Aptitudes again. Still not great with the magical part of the character, but the main damage with this build comes from archery which is at an impressive +3. Hopefully that'll make all the difference.

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Before I even leave the first room, I find a +4 ring of strength. Dexterity would be better, but +4 anything is always super helpful, and this'll make my unarmed combat a lot more lethal. I'm going to be relying on barehoof boxing pretty heavily to begin with, since ammunition is better saved than wasted on rats and goblins.

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And that's basically it for floor one!

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Floor two reveals an altar to Fedhas, widely regarded by me as the dumbest of butts among gods. Usually this wouldn't be worth mentioning, but the altar is surrounded by fruit; centaurs' fast metabolism and inability to consume meat efficiently means any vegetarian option becomes super valuable.

By the way, this seems like a great time to mention that UGH I really hate dealing with centaurs' stupid diets. Need to eat constantly but get reduced nutrition from corpses? Really?

And that's it for floor two, really; it was so uneventful I forgot to screencap going down.

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As I'm tooling around floor three, I stumble across a teleport trap that reveals an unidentified ring I'd been wearing was a ring of teleport control. If only this had been around when I was a warper! Just one ring could have made the difference between a usable, even good, build and kobold fodder.

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Testing out a pile of runed darts I found reveals them to have been 13 exploding darts. This is a great find, since it will give me some means of crowd control that I'd otherwise sorely lack until I can consistently cast Cause Fear.

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And that's about it for floor three. Floor four, ho!

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Maybe... Maybe an entrance to floor four that doesn't have an ogre right there.

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Much better.

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Come on, really? I don't know if that's the same one and it magically knew where I was coming down or if it means there's multiple ogres wandering this floor, but either way :1

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To make matters even worse, I manage to back myself into a corner while hit-and-running it.

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Surprisingly, I win relatively unscathed. Even more surprisingly, I go from 33% of the way to level five to 25% of the way to level six! That's some ridiculous experience right there.

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Surprisingly, a giant frog proves to be more of a problem than the ogre. It also proves to be a comparably-impressive source of exp, though, so good times are had by all non-frogs.

Seriously, fuck frogs.

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Another ogre appears!

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And is promptly dispatched. Fortunately, these guys aren't much trouble if you can keep out of their reach by, say, being faster than them and having a ranged weapon. I also suspect this was the ogre from when I first arrived on the level, so chances are there aren't more wandering around.

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Just kidding! Apparently.

Ogres forever!

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Pew pew dead

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On to floor five as a significantly more competent character than I've played in a few hours.

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Oh, look! Stabotaur makes a cameo appearance in this act as in his role as "Monster I really don't want to deal with (especially if it still has curare (do they keep that I can't remember))". Time to run!

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Ah, the sewer! An excellent spot to gather some phat lutes and hope Purgy doesn't spawn.

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Assuming I don't get my dumb as swarmed to death.

Spoiler: I don't

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Hey, remember that thing I said about hoping Purgy doesn't spawn?

Ha. Ha ha.

Now, Purgy is unique among uniques in that he's actually less threatening than the generic monster he's based on. In Purgy's case, though, that generic is a troll. Which is a bitch and a half, even in shitty Purgy-form. Good armor, big attacks, and high regeneration mean it'll be hard to whittle him down from a distance and lethal to take him on directly.

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Pretty much every arrow I fired either missed or did no damage... By the time he reached me, it became clear I was going to have to do something else.

Normally I hate wands of draining or the spells they emulate, since every time you hit the target they become worth less experience. Still, they hit hard, and that's what I needed. I blow through probably half the wand's maximum charges, but take down Purgy.

My reward for clearing the sewers?

Twenty or so +0 arrows and a handful of gold.

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Back in the dungeon proper, I eventually wander into Eustachio. Back in the day he was a joke, but now he can actually summon worth a damn. Skipping this!

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Come on, game, don't be like that.

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Having missed more of the level than I'd like to dodging Stabotaur and Eustachio, it's time to move on.

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Aw man! Come on, that's not cool. Time to try another way down, and take a few hits on the way up.

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Gh–

Come on! Just... Come. On.

There's no way I'll survive trying to go back up, so I'm just going to have to duck down that hall and hope.

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You know you're in a bad way when closing yourself in a room with an ogre is a good strategy.

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Auuugh!

This is bull friggin' shit!

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I use one of my precious scrolls of fear (the only one I had remaining after identifying it) to get some breathing room; I could cast Cause Fear myself, but I have low spellpower, a nonzero fail chance, and high spell hunger as though my centaur needs more reason to be hungry.

The ogre is effectively unaffected because it's hemmed in by the ant and immediately turns to fight; still, the whole point was to get rid of the centaur since I can outrun the ogre.

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I'm forced to use my one scroll of blinking to gain some ground, but with the ogre in the hallway, the centaur is unable to shoot at me.

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It's starting to look like my only hope is that this is wand I came across is a really kickass one that can eat through the still-pursuing centaur in a couple shots.

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Nope! Turns out it's magic darts. Fuck yooou, Arcane Centaur. Fuck you. My only recourse is to Cause Fear and hope.

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It takes two casts – all I can manage – and all the shitload of hunger that comes with that, but I have the centaur on the run.

I should have just let it flee, but I assumed spell-fear was like low-health-fear that some monsters get: they'll keep running until they hit a dead end or you kill them. I figured I could finish the centaur off no problem then take a breather; a couple shots later he's no longer fleeing and I don't have the magic to try again.

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It has come to Centaur Punchout Night and I'm just praying for good rolls.

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Fortunately, my prayers are answered! I also notice that this prick had a runed bow which is probably the reason he dealt me so much damage and gave me so much trouble.

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Haha nope! Turns out it's -3/-1 and cursed, and is probably the entire reason I survived at all. I'm very glad I identified it before I tried to wield.

Nothing left to do now but explore the rest of the level and pick off the people I lost now that they're separated.

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GRAWNGBLRBLRFHQWHGADSDAMMIT

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Cause Fear is a hell of a spell, though. Hell of a spell.

It kind of feels like I've discovered Stone Soup secretly had an Elbereth this whole time.

Anyway, once these chodes are divided, they fall in short order. It's just being trapped with both that's a problem.

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I want to finish off the bits that are left of this level, but there are three or four Orc Warriors floating around, a couple of them wearing platemail. I just can't penetrate that kind of AC with unenchanted arrows, so I'm calling this level finished.

Part of me wants to return to earlier levels and scum for exp a bit, but that's mostly the mummy in me talking. This big old fattie would start having serious hunger problems if I went into levels with low spawns and no more permafood to find, so down we go!