Spoiler



You find yourself floating over a canyon. Across the divide is a strange...uh...frankly, you have no idea what the hell it is. It's just...floating there, like you.



Ever friendly, you wave across the canyon to the strange thing...



And it waves back.









...and suddenly, you break away from your daydream and find yourself in the local grocery. You were shopping for food when you slipped into your ridiculous fantasy, which is not an unusual occurrence recently. After a second's pause, you figure you should stop gazing around the aisle like a lobotomized dog and get back to your grocery shopping.

What would you like to do?

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Get lemons.
And a bunch of other random things.

Yeah...you're running pretty low on lemons...

>Fuck the system.Get a lime.

Go get some MEAT and chat up that sexy lady behind the counter.

Drive your cart into the meat place, then talk to the lady.
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You go to the fruit section of the store because you just remembered how much you love lemonade. Just as you're about to grab the lemons, you suddenly decide to buy all the limes instead because...fuck it. You're a rebel.



Next, you stop by the meat stand to talk to th- wow, that's one ugly lady. You take a second to get over your revulsion and ask her for some ground beef.



"I DAON'T SERVE NO FCUKING TREEHUGGERS!" she yells, swinging at you viciously with her cleaver. She narrowly misses you as you fall to the ground in distress. Wow, what a bitch.



You get up and leave the idiotic troll behind you. After years of living in this town, you don't have time for these leeches.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
=>Realize you forgot your limes!! oh no!
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You're currently too angry to care about going back for them by now. If anything, it'll annoy the Meatbitch, which is something you're perfectly okay with.

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Be a sensible young lady and don't act upon your aggression. Instead, just imagine it!
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You do the shit out of this so hard. You storm off away from the MEAT counter with visions of violence dancing in your head, vicariously appeasing the aggressive voices telling you to kick her ass. Stupid bitch should know not to mess with everyone. She's too insignificant to even waste your time on.

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Record her bigotry and stick it on youtube.
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Youtube? What's this "Youtube" thing? You're pretty sure you've never heard of it before.



Instead, you take the time between the Meatbitch and the door to check your HEALTH BAR, to make sure the clumsy idiot didn't do any damage. Nope, looks like you're good. You swear, it's always the stupid ones who try that shit. Probably did more damage to herself than you.



Your IRRITABILITY GAUGE is somewhere around a fourth of the way full. You can't quite tell because the thing is so frustratingly vague without markings. You swear, sometimes you think life would be so much easier without measurements for abstract concepts.

The girl at the register filing her nails says "Hope you had a great day at Lo-Cost," without looking up. You just walk by towards the door. You just want the hell out out of here.

Spoiler

You exit the store with absolutely no food in tow. Wow, that entire trip was such a waste. And to think you walked all the way from your house to here just for a shitload of limes and ground beef. You make a mental note to make sure outings are worth it in the future.



You start the trek all the way back to your humble house set in the sprawling metropolis you've lived your entire life in, muttering under your breath about the Meatbitch that made your entire trip worthless.



You were born in this kingdom, back when people respected each other and didn't go out of their way to fight each other. You earned your stripes a while ago, and now all these assholes come in and start fucking up the system.



You begin to cool off and your IRRITABILITY GAUGE slowly empties.

Back in the day the population was so small that everyone knew each and every user. You miss that kind of intimacy. Sure, you never spoke all that much, but people still respected you. As the population boomed, that's probably why everyone forgot about you.



Now your home city's become a kingdom of anonymity and arguments. The trolls took it upon themselves to gain everyone's attention at the expense of the quiet, civilized discussions of prior years. The entire place has become a shithole.

You kinda wish you could just walk away with two middle fingers held high to the whole fucking kingdom, but hey. It's home, and you still have your few friends from ages before.

Spoiler(Click the link, It has sound and stuff!)





You look down over the edge of the cliff. Wow, that's a hell of a drop. How're you supposed to get down from here?

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
CONTINUE FUCKING THE SYSTEM. FLY DOWN. DOWN LIKE CHARLIE BROWN.

Fuck the system. Fly.
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You don’t have money to throw around on plane tickets! Why do you think you walked all the way here in the first place? No, you instead decide to stick it to the MAN and airlines’ exorbitant fees by walking back.

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Don't. Follow the edge of the cliff or look for a path.
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You look over the edge to try and find a way down an- oh hey, look. A staircase. That was convenient.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Go half way down the stair case, then use a whip to swing the rest of the way down.
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You don't have a whip, making this plan completely useless.

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Down the staircase you go!

Go down the staircase, but be careful, don't say I didn't warn you.
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You walk down the steps as far as you can, but the stairs seem to have crumbled away at parts. There's a large gap in between you and the next set.

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>Get attacked by monsters!
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What monsters? Everyone knows there's no such thing as mo-



oh, that kind of monster.



Shit, you gotta think fast here. Arguing on a staircase is the last thing you want to do.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
>Warn her about the stairs.

>Tell her, dog.

>Become tangle ... duttle ... huggle buddies.

>jump to the lower steps, this is no time for a fight, use the vines to stabilize yourself when you land
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You try to do all of these, but you’re too slow. By the time you start to spring into action, a 200-lb Meatbitch slams into you, knocking both of you clear of the cliff.





You both fall down to the grass below, landing yards apart from each other. You lost a small amount of health from the treacherous fall.



You get up in the most dramatic way possible, facing away from the crumpled heap of Meatbitch behind you. Your IRRITABILITY GUAGE is maxed out. There’s only one way to fix that little problem.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
>Beat the meat...bitch
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You’re going to have to make her pay, there’s no doubt about that. Your IRRITABILITY GAUGE pounds out a furious rhythm rivaled only by the rush of blood in the canals of your veins.

You’re so mad you’re almost spouting poetry.



You both face off in a very cheesy and clichéd stance, readying for the impending violence.





You both wait and glare at each other for a while to build up the maximum amount of melodrama.

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Call her rude names while insulting her mother and father.
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Are you sure you want to do that? You might want to brush up on the basic forms of combat first… There are five ways to deal with a troll, so you might want to think hard about the type you want to use.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Linkssssssss

>Click links. When a subscreen pops up, select "Rick Roll"

Dang, links or apathy, links or apathy, uh...the hell am I talking about, LINKS
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You reach down into your pocket and pull out your trus- well…somewhat trusty RICKROLLIKEN. You were in such a rush to get to the store and back you forgot all your other weapons, but luckily this one fit into your pocket. Because of luck…and coincidence and stuff.





You hurl your deadly link at the Meatbitch, cutting a deep gash across her face. Unfortunately, it looks like you only wounded her. Your link wasn’t as deadly as you thought it would be. Meanwhile, she looks pretty pissed.



She summons her CROCUSCLEAVERS, obviously very determined to insult you to the best of her abilities.



Better think fast. Which other form of combat will you try out next?

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
rumors

You have to know what i'm going to say.
And it's going to be rumors.
;y

>Rumors.

Rumors: Pregnant or just fat? Who cares, she's a bitch.
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You prepare to spread your rumors. You left your SCHOOLGIRL’S EYES AND EARS orb back in your house, but it’s not like you need it to spread such a simple one.



You spread a rumor about the nature of the MEATBITCH’S extra heft. She may claim it’s all baby fat, but you’re gonna make sure everyone knows it ‘s from working back at the meat counter. The bitch is fat, is what you’re getting at.



The MEATBITCH gets jealous of your slender figure compared to her rotund mass. You successfully cast the condition JELLY on the fat MEATBITCH. She’s so jelly.



The JELLY condition hinders her movement, giving you another chance to attack.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Insult

INSULT HER WHILE SHE'S DOWN
/hugebitchbluhbluh

Insult

Inslut. Insult.
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Without a weapon, you’ll have to rely on your own fists to insult the defenseless MEATBITCH.



You begin wailing on her, sending sprays of her thick black blood everywhere. Left, right, left, your fists hammer in the biting affronts you deal out upon your opponent.

“Fatface!”



“Stupid lard-butt!”



"You’re a dumb….person…”

Wow, your insults suck. Hopefully they get better as your INSULT stat is raised.



Unfortunately, it is as you reflect on the lameness of your insults that the MEATBITCH’S JELLY condition wears off.





She nails you in the jaw with a devastating uppercut, sending you flying yards away. You land with a loud thud, covered in your own red blood. Your health isn’t looking so great.



The MEATBITCH begins running toward you at full sprint, or…as full a sprint her generous girth will allow.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Biting sarcasm

Sarcasm is gonna be sweet. Do that. Do it.

Sarcasm.

> Sarcasm.

Sarcasm
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You focus all your energy into directing the full force of your wit upon the approaching MEATBITCH.



“Oh, like that’s gonna hurt!” you yell.

You really need to work on your sarcastic responses as well, it seems.



The surge of pure angst pours out from your hand and strikes the MEATBITCH, rooting her to the spot.





She collapses to the ground, smoking and smelling vaguely like overdone beef.



You approach the dead and burnt MEATBITCH laying pathetically face-first in the grass. You figure you may as well give her some kind of respect.



Her body starts convulsing and flashing rapidly. It looks like she’s going to explode. That bitch. She just can’t leave you alone, even to pay your respects to her fat ass.



The MEATBITCH’s lifeless corpse explodes, flinging pixels and light everywhere. You are caught in the blast, but at the last moment you employ your APATHY, effectively shielding you from damage.



After a few seconds airborne, you land lightly on the ground with your IRRITABILITY GAUGE emptied and a smile back on your face. Even better, the fight with the MEATBITCH let you LEVEL UP. You’re so fucking stoked about this.



You earn three STAT POINTS to spend towards your combat stats. Where do you want to put them?

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
More?
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You click the "More" button to make sure you're making the best decision in spending these points, but the page is dull and worthless without the other stats unlocked. Apparently you need to be a higher level to unlock them.

You really are rusty at this. Maybe that's what happens when you move into the quiet country away from the overstimulating city.

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Results of the vote:

Insults: 9
Sarcasm: 3
Links: 18
Rumors: 7
Apathy: 11

(Links gets two because it was a good deal ahead of Apathy, even though it wasn't beating it by twice as much)
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You put two points in LINKS and one in apathy, spreading yourself out across ranged offensive power as well as a boost to your defense. That, and throwing that RICKROLLIKEN made you look so badass. In your experience, looking badass is the most important thing in life.



You click the CLASSES tab and look at the classes-in-progress on the first page. Looks like you only need three more ARBITRARY STAT POINTS in LINKS to become a Non-Sequitarcher, which is…better than nothing, at least.



You click the INVENTORY tab and look at the depressing lack of armor that you are currently suffering from. Ever since you moved away from the city, you've slowly begun to lose the edge your argument-filled past gave you.



You then click ITEMS and look at the only item currently on your person, your RICKROLLIKEN. It's actually a pretty shitty weapon, a downgrade from the formidable arsenal you left behind in the city, but it gets the job done and gets in done in enough style that you like to keep it around.



You retrieve your RICKROLLIKEN from the tree it was embedded in and look up at the sky, the evidence of the argument you had just settled. You thought you left all this behind by moving far away from the crowds, but it looks like the disease is spreading, even out to here in the more secluded areas of Palavra. Running away hasn't helped at all.

Spoiler



You look back to the charred patch of dirt where the MEATBITCH had violently vacated a few seconds before. You aren't particularly sad about the loss of her life in this world. You guess she exploded as some last explosive middle finger. Fuck you too, bitch.



As you're studying the remains, an orange blur flashes across the sky to stop overhead.



It's a WHISPERPIDGEON! It flies down to your outstretched arm and delivers its message:



From: Skriv_X
To: Escri27

Hey Escri, you've been gone a while. What the hell's up? You die or something?



You send back your own message with the WHISPERPIDGEON, just mentioning that you ran into trouble on the way back home. You figure you can explain the MEATBITCH when you see him next.



After the WHISPERPIDGEON flies off, you're left standing near the edge of a lightly forested area. You had better start heading back to your house again, so what do you want to do?

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Get all that meat sauce off your face

Walk home in a sillier fashion.
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You start boosting your own self-esteem with some compliments to yourself. You're such a good person.



The blood you got all over you from the fight fades away as the compliments do their work. Your HEALTH BAR is fully refilled, which is pretty pathetic considering your shitty RUMORS stat. Your HEALTH BAR just doesn't have as much to it since you stopped going to the gym and working out.



You're feeling pretty good about yourself and your victory over the MEATBITCH, so you decide to skip all the way back to your house and...



…oh fuck. You weren't really checking where you were going with all that reckless skipping, and now you find yourself in this freaky-ass forest. It's dark and creepy and now you're a bit on edge again. Damn good moods can never stay that way, can they?

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Slither like a snake and get the fuck out.
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Don't you remember? Silliness is what got you into this mess! You put on your SRS BSNS face and scold the voices in your head for being so ridiculous.

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>call for help
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You decide to call for help, so You take a deep breath and yell as loudly as you can into the dark depths of the forest around you.



Welp, looks like you may be on your own after al-



o h s h i t s o m e t h i n g ' s i n t h e b u s h e s

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
> Put 'em up.

Attack with your rickrolliken.
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You pull out your RICKROLLIKEN and ready yourself to kick ass.



You wait until you can see your target an-



oh wait. It's just a wild ' _' .

Spoiler------------------------------------------------------------
Administer hugs. all of the hugs.

HUGGIES!!!

>attack with HUGS
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You stand tall above the diminutive creature and prepare yourself...



...for HUGS!



Unfortunately, the affectionate embrace did not change the ' _' s mood at all.



You gently put your new friend back down on the ground and he continues staring at you in his odd little way.



Then, after a few minutes, he turns around and heads off back into the dark forest. Now your feelings are hurt and your only friend in this creepy-ass forest is leaving.

SpoilerFollow him!

Follow him, he might know a ' u' bear.

Follow Leroy! Indifference is surely better than hatred. Perhaps he will lead you somewhere interesting.

She should follow it to it's secret society of emoticon bears. He must have many friends of different dispositions. And if he doesn't, at least he'll lead you to his den where he hides his honey. Then you won't starve out here.

SpoilerComfort the :< that's obviously being melancholy in the shadows.

>HUGS FOR ALL

SpoilerInvestigate the curiously specific sound of someone sneaking around in the bushes.

Spoiler
Grab it by the ears and use it as a flail.

Spoiler

(01-18-2012, 05:33 AM)Fabricati Wrote: »> Irritable Break: THIS AIN'T A FLAME WAR IT'S A GODDAMN ARMS RACE

Spoiler

Dragon Fogel Wrote:>Grab the crystal and the :< before he wakes up and tries anything funny with them.