It's only to get back at Los Angeles for doing the same to them

Vir “The Old Dominion” Ginia really likes being Virginian more than most of the other states like being themselves. We have Old Dominion beer and root beer,* and even though it is clearly a state just like the rest of them, we insist (wherever we can get a way with it) on calling it a Commonwealth, which is an Anglo–Saxon-derived term roughly meaning “I sure hope the Spanish haven’t found this place first because that would be awkward after three months at sea”. Puerto Rico is another famous Commonwealth. We particularly do this to annoy Maryland and Massachusetts for being not as old. We also like to annoy North Carolina by saying we were there first.

Our flag/seal portrays the Ancient Roman deity/virtue-personification Virtus** as an amazon warrior vanquishing a tyrannosaur, which is awesome and not believing in these things is no good reason to censor it.***

Virginia exports a lot of coal and tobacco, which are very smoky and bad for the air. There is also a large agricultural industry, producing tasty produce and not quite as tasty dairy. There is a technological sector, which produces industry-grade trolls and nobody likes them. This is largely fueled by Washington, DC being right across the Potomac but not quite big enough to hold the ever-expanding US government (and also everything there is either expensive because you’re in the rich part of town, or a hellhole because you are in the hellhole part of town). Tourism is another significant industry, where the slogan is “Virginia is for Lovers” because everything they’re advertising may be pretty and dressed for the occasion, but also kind of normal, aside from the history stuff, which again we have more of than Massachusetts and we’re also bigger, neener neener. Vanity plates are a minor industry, giving people something to read seven letters and/or numbers at a time while they sit in rush hour traffic. There are some normal license plates, too, but these are grandfathered in, much like that law they repealed in 2004 that made it illegal to work on Sunday but over the years had accumulated exceptions for every conceivable line of work there was.

The geography of the Commonwealth, as taught and forgotten in the fourth grade, divides the state into five physical regions, Tidewater (home of the Great Dismal Swamp), Piedmont (a French word meaning “home of George Washington”), Blue Ridge (named for the appearance of the mountains from afar; it’s an optical illusion caused by coal radiation), Valley and Ridge (encompassing the Shenandoah Valley, home of Skyline Drive, a Natural Bridge, caves, and hot springs), and the Appalachian Plateau (which we never really got around to talking about in fourth grade). These regions extend to the surrounding states, but elementary schoolers don’t need to know that; I mean, sheez, they can’t even drive or anything. Politically, the state is confusingly divided into both “counties” and “independent cities”, the latter of which may serve as a county seat but cannot be a part of a county itself, and the former of which may be entirely city but not itself a city.

Also, very few people ever seem to remember that eastern peninsula is part of Virginia, aside from those that bothered to look up where Chincoteague Ponies live (not, Chincoteague, but Assateague).

Virginia gubernatorial elections happen every four years, one year after presidential elections; since modern Virginia is a swing state that votes with the gut, this is a practical recipe for ensuring that much of the time we hate one party for being the President and the other party for being the Governor in a vicious cycle of perpetual voter’s remorse. Every single governor of the state since the 90s has become famous on the national stage (but only to people who follow politics so closely it makes other people uncomfortable) and the two major-party candidates for this year’s elections are already famous on the national stage (but only to people who follow politics so closely it makes other people uncomfortable). In every other respect, nobody bothers to look up the rules for anything because it’s easier to just ask Larry Sabato instead of doing your job. Rumor has it, though, he has fallen mysteriously silent on the subject of how come such a pretty swing state can’t get laid.

* Old Dominion Brewing Company, headquartered in Delaware
** “Virtus” is the Roman virtue of manliness
*** a censor was a Roman official charged with maintaining the public morality, which meant banning smut and keeping tabs on how many Romans there really were, which meant they needed good eyes to work, hence our word “sensor”.