Granolaman Wrote:

last known photo of whale-verse champion: Granolaman

Top Secret True Events of the Whale Duel. Whale President's Ears Only: https://tindeck.com/listen/rrek

Lyrics:

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SpoilerOl’ Schazilla was hopping around
Shrimptopia like a big playground
When Pharms burst in riding on a Killer Whale
And beat Schaz down with a Nola flail
Schazilla fought back and began to get mean
But didn’t expect to be blocked by ‘Green
And he started fighting Schaz with a pistol shrimp
Sruix tried to stop him but he failed like a wimp
And Scoffles rode in on a narwhal to help
But Truegreen caught him with a lasso of kelp
Sruix slinked away thinking it was time to quit
When Seedy showed up and beheaded the Brit
And turned her attention to Impervious Scofflaw
When Truegreen swam by and punched her through a wall
Granola gave chase but Green got away
Because youdon’twanttoknow came to save the daaay

This is the ultimate Whale down of Cetacean History
Belugas Narwhals and Orcas, as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive I wonder who it will be?
This is the ultimate Whaledown of Cetacean History

Pharms took out Scoffles with her ultimate form
When her orca blasted off his narwhal’s horn
Then Sruix came back riding on a lobster pack
And teamed up with Nola on the Truegreen attack
Palamedes joined up and thought the battle was won
When Truegreen and youdon’t merged into one
So Granola and Pala thought to even the odds
And merged into a form with the power of gods
But then they saw Disassembler sneaking up from behind
And they reached for their nuke which they just couldn’t find
Cuz Y-Green stole it and he shot and he missed
And Palaman caught it in a Jellyfish twist
Then he lobbed it at Pharms in an act of betrayal
While lobster-Sruix piledrove a sperm whale
Into Palaman’s face in a glorious arc
But then got eaten by a Seedy shaaark

This is the ultimate Whale down of Cetacean History
Belugas Narwhals and Orcas, as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive and I know who it will be
This is the ultimate Whaledown

Schazer called out with a summoning yodel
Into the fray, descended the Fogel
Who’s mechanized whale caused terror and awe
And swallowed Y-Green in its massive maw
Who was slowly digested, and turned into poop
As Schazer and Seedy tried to regroup
But Fogel’s beauty was overwhelmingly strong
And exploded their heads with his haunting whale song

Then ICanhasdonut and ICan'tGiveCredit
And wielder of the great ballonicorn Chiralit
Pharas and Airey
Pi and Stiqqery
Demonsul
and Mister Viscery

MalkyTop
BlazerC
waterbottles
Mikeee
fivex Sotex, every angry shankee
maker of the games and Eidolonic
Garu beru Akumu and Pick Yer Tonic
All rose from the grave all zombie fast
And they shanked that Fogel in his bitchedy ass
It was a tidal wave of incarnate pain
Nola’s final attack split the sea in twain

The fight raged on for a week or two
Many stories told, but none were true
The champion stood, the rest were impostors
Granolaman with his blood-stained lobsters

This is the ultimate Whale down of Cetacean History
Belugas Narwhals and Orcas, as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive I wonder who it will be
This is the ultimate Whaledown
This is the ultimate Whaledown
This is the ultimate Whaledown of Cetacean History

Seedy, however, is nowhere to be found. The only noise the crowd can hear is the surf and the rumbling that started when the crowd exploded in response to Schazer's introduction.

A rumbling that seems to be coming from... beneath. the. ship.

Tentacles of all sizes erupt around the S.S. Whalenaught, encircling it in seconds. The spotlights strain to turn towards one floating high above the chaos, carrying a very particular passenger.

Seedy.

She says nothing, the tentacles slowly wrapping around each and every observer - and the plankton-fiber stream. She snaps her fingers, and they glow with an eldritch power. The world is plunged into a vision.

A vision of WHALE DUELS PAST.

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Spoiler

"Though the battle between Granolaman and Truegreen for the Southern Shelf Ice Mines was long and hard-fought, both forces were ultimately routed when a small force of doctor-kitten-piloted heavy Walrus tanks, led by Seedy, emerged from the mines themselves and obliterated the unsuspecting troops. These mines have been hotly contested throughout the battle so far, but why anyone wants these mines is as yet unknown."






"Schazer's minke whale ally was infused with the powers of eldritch (not whale) gods, giving it the ability to tear holes in space-time with its mighty bellows!"



"Schazer sounded a battlecry so magnificent it moved the elder whales themselves to tears."






"Seedy befriended a nice Kraken and convinced it to join her in her murderquest."

As quickly as they had arrived, the tentacles retract, taking Seedy back to the depths with them.

The Herald - and the crowd - are still reeling from the psychedelic experience, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

Up next.... Truegreen? Sorry, sorry...

UP NEXT! TRUEGREEN!

Truegreen Wrote:

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SpoilerDawn was breaking when I entered the kelp forest. Long delicate shafts of light lanced between the brilliant red stalks. My troops were ready, the scouts had detailed reports for me. We were in a relatively defensible position. An ancient ruin overgrown with kelp provided us with decent shelter from the other armies roving eyes. There were reports of an army growing in the west. It was rumored their leader was the legendary Scoffles. I was far more interested in the lobsters that lived in the area. Apparently they'd been trouble before. They were pirates, mercenaries. They craved fine things and often attacked unsuspecting merchant whales and pods when they passed out of the kelp. A plan began to take shape in my head, but I needed to know what I had to work with. I asked for information on the army. We weren't the biggest army, but we had some pretty big guns. That's when they introduced me to Spike. He was an ancient whale. One might even go so far as to say prehistoric. He'd seen many whales come and go, watched the gradual extinction of his people. He was one of the last of the Livyatans. He the biggest whale I'd ever seen, completely dwarfing myself and my guide. I felt miniscule in his presence. He was scarred and pockmarked from his many battles and he had a single enormous golden tooth. It gleamed in the light as we spoke.



He was a true warrior, a creature with unmatched strength and power. I knew at that moment that we could not lose. The guide then took me to the depths to speak with the shaman of the ruins. It was a site of great religious importance to the whales. They were kind enough to house us, but they insisted I observe their rites if I was to lead the army. In that ruin I learned the secrets of the kelp. For a time I felt at peace. It was soon broken by the first trills of whalesong. It was the army of Scoffles, approaching to do battle. Little did they know they were about to fall into a trap.

We called it Operation Lobsterfest. My army had swarmed into the lobster territories. There was great celebration, the chant of "Lobsterfest" resounded across the water. No doubt Scoffles' scouts saw the celebrations, the lobsters being devoured, the grand festival of their defeat. No doubt they would count the corpses of our dead on the ground. Calculate an attack. We were weakened by our recent battle...or so they thought. As their first wave closed on our troops they were surprised to see our 'meals' leaping into action. Our 'dead' rising to do battle. They were taken by surprise.



I had payed off the pirates, hired them. It took a great deal of treasure, but we had plenty from the army's past exploits. His troops were unnerved, demoralized by our display yet still Scoffles pressed forward. We retreated into the kelp where we fought a vicious fight within the stalks. It was late afternoon by the time Scoffles and I met face to face. He was fighting across the sea floor, where the kelp was dense and he had the advantage. I dove down to meet him, my shank practically glowed. We met and exchanged blows but he had not anticipated my mastery of photosynthetikinesis. The kelp wrapped around him. I gripped him in a vicious chokehold. "Give 'im a beating boys" I grinned, lifting him back into the line of fire in a tangle of red kelp.



His army was routed, and they fled the forest. Scoffles remained, bruised and bloodied. I probably would have kept him as captive if I hadn't received an emergency report. Schazer had attacked from the east.



I hadn't anticipated her attack. Her bladed whales sliced through the kelp. Our soldiers rallied to defend it. I had to release Scoffles to crawl back to his base, I had to focus on the real threat. I was carried into battle by a swift dolphin by the name of Liz. The battle was bloody, we were losing. I rallied the troops. They fought bravely, but they could do little more than hold the line against Schazer's horrifying combat whales. I charged into battle with my army. I slew several of her whales. Then without warning, I was kicked with such force that I was sent careening out of the water and into the air.



I could only gasp out in surprise as i saw Liz getting smaller and smaller as I shot towards the surface. I caught a glimpse of Schazer below, circling my agile ally. Then time seemed to stop. I smelled the ocean air, the sound of sea birds filled my ears. I was reminded of a time long ago, before the resort, before my people became servants, before this shanking nightmare. I remembered when we would go swimming, the salt and the sand. My mentor taught me the art of jumpango. It was a powerful technique allowing one to launch into the air with a series of backflips. I was always very good at it. My mentor had always warned me, not to do to many, not to fly too high. No one in two centuries had accomplished more than 897 consecutive flips and lived to tell the tale. It was a dangerous hobby but I had loved it. My mind cleared. I began to fall. I noticed a dark shape in the water. It broke the surface with a violent splash. It was Schazer, she rode upon a powerful creature for which I had no name. A sneer adorned her face, her weapon aimed at my heart. I began to flip. 1, 2, 3. And ever we climbed. 30, 40, 50, higher and higher. 100, 200, 300. I had to keep going, she showed no sign of descent. My heart dropped as I hit 800. Shazer was closing in fast, but I was nearing my limit. 860, 870, 880, 890...I could see the gleam in her eyes. There was a hunger there, a bloodlust. 895, 896, 897...I had to go on, I had to continue... 898, 899...There it was she was slowing down, but I was still within her reach. I pulled in my legs, flicking them out as I had been taught so long ago. My muscles ached and complained at the exertion...900. Out of reach, she gritted her teeth in anger as she began to fall, I as well. I didn't know what I was going to do when we hit the water, but I didn't care. It was a small victory, but it was invigorating. I couldn't help but smile as I plummeted ever downward. Schazer braced her weapon. She wasn't going to let me get away. The moment we hit the water, I would die. An ally of mine had other plans. Liz leapt into the air. It was a majestic jump, the water glittered around her. The weapon on her fin glowed, there was a bright flash of red light.



Schazer's weapon flipped from her hand and she lost control of her fall. I landed on her foot first, slamming into her with the force of my fall. I slid into the bloodied waters and Liz dragged me back to the line. I arrived just in time to see Spike ripping their troops apart. The livyatan was unstoppable, and they were forced to retreat, their leader in tow. Spike had lost his gold tooth in the battle. We decided to leave it at the bottom, a memorial to the brave whales and dolphins we lost in the fight.



We pressed onwards. Scoffles' troops fell like dominos. Schazer's were stronger, but with Spike's help we crushed them, driving ever onwards into both territories. Over the coming months our power grew. We were uncompromising and provided a stalwart defense. The more religious whales fought with such passion and zeal that we were never routed. "For The Red Temple!" became a common battle cry. We earned a reputation for our ruthlessness in battle. Often time's smaller forces would flee on sight of one of our pods. In the end few could even hold out against our onslaught. We conquered the most territory and attained much wealth and treasure. By the end of the year we were victorious.

Sruixan Wrote:

---> Click this <---
WARNING: THIS ARTICLE OF PORPAGANDA IS STUPIDLY LONG - ENSURE YOU ARE SITTING COMFORTABLY BEFORE CLICKING ON THE IMAGE

Lyrics
(you will need this)

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SpoilerNautilus News Network - we go to war so that you don't have to

I mean, is this thing even on? I mean, I just can't... just... oh? Oh! Oh hello! Hello, hello there! Ladies, gentlemen and/or otherwise, come on, come on! Come closer, gather round, gather... gather... come on... over here! Over here! Yes, it- it's a press conference, not a bomb disposal, get closer! Honestly, sheesh, how are you gonna be able to hear me otherwise? Look... it is time that I tell you all the tale of how I triumphed in the WHALE DIMENSION!

Like all good beginnings, it began with an ending
A sudden decision to leave the impending doldrums;
A dullness was sweeping the tropical stage
Where we shanked our strange cut-throat comrades
It was all too slow; what blood did flow
Did so at night - how trite!
You cowards weren't right - scared you'd bail out in fright?
If you had to face facts in the grim sunlight?

Now Blazer and I had our heads screwed tight
No shame in our eyes as we showed our might
To the swathe whose idea of a daylight display
Was a democratic poke in the face!
Alas my diurnal fraternal was brutally murdered
Infernal night workers attacked him with fervour!

And so, when the portal emerged
And I heard the WHALEDIRGE on the verge of my mere mortal hearing
The call for the ones who would clash and would brawl to enthrall
The cetacean population of a place most extraordinary
I knew then of my real challenge
A true battle, 'gainst foes of spirit pure
No cowards allowed
It all lay before me
For I was the one for whom the Elder Whales were calling!

I leapt through the portal world into another woooooorrrrrrlllllldd...

(inadequate)(that sort of)(was hard to say)(equipment only)

I was roused by the tide washing sand in my eyes
And I rose to a beach framed by clear opal skies
On the breeze came the dirge to give the word of pod:
"Ten souls have entered, and ten shall leave
but only one shall achieve true greatness here!"
To permit preparing for our fierce contention
We'd been strewn across the isles of the whale dimension
We'd recruit the locals, get supplies, net allies
And devise the plans that would see the demise
Of our rivals - I surveyed my new home, my empire
Like Rome wasn't built in a day, it would take time
To knock the place into shape; 'twas a tall order
The atoll was all sand, with its land cloaked in flora
But that was so obviously wrong; I had to reorder my thoughts
It was all in the water...

I found my first friends in the island's lagoon
A flotilla of swordfish that were almost too soon under me
For their gladiators quickly acquiesced
When my shanking knife was pitted against the bill of their best
And broke it - they then confessed their swordplay prowess was outdated
The information supertideway was their new plaything
They knew passwords, obscure words, magic curses and cures,
The plans of my foes - you name it!
So granted, their factual flotsam was more often than not
Just spurious jetsam, complete and utter rot
That their longtime adversaries had created to fool them
But that mattered not now that I stood to rule them!
I trained up my army; my schooling unrivalled
Under my leadership, swords would see a revival!

(laughter)

What ho? What was that?
An assault, an attack, almost right off the bat?
(it had been three days, but never mind that!)
Oh that laughter was human alright, and soon after
The horizon shook, the ocean water took on a awful hue
And bubbled like a brook but larger, and suddenly parted
A stockade of red scales, a sea serpent atop which strode Palamedes
Oh goodness gracious me, oh my, oh dear
How on Earth did he find me? (we're not on Earth, don't remind me)
And that titan he's riding and is somehow presiding over
He's overriding its instinct to dine on him!
I seek the help of my friends; "To what end can I hope to contend
With this fiend? Have you perhaps any copies of
"How To Fight Sea Monsters For Dummies", though "How To Escape From Their Tummies"
might be more useful, perhaps almost crucial?

But my swordfish allies would surprise me, and slyly one whispered
An item of wisdom with which they convinced me we'd win this engagement
And so, spirits buoyed, I looked out in amazement
At the strange serpentine, enraged leviathan eyes that tried to affright me and failed
I hailed down my wannabe conqueror:
"Hey Palamedes," I cried, "You must be bursting with pride
That's one heck of a ride! How'd you hit such a sick find?
Is it a hydrogen cell or a hybrid?"
"What the hell are you on?" he replied, "your peripheral drivel's just gibberish piffle
A frivolous symbol of how little you've got on your side
Your initial dithering's about to cost you big time
For in this dangerous game, the first blood will be mine!
Or, really, yours, rather, my friend here is starving
And I've promised it a Sruixan carvery! You'll soon be fish food
Oh yes, you'll wish you'd have never crossed paths with the soonly crowned champion!"

Ooh, that sure did it, this insufferable braggart was going down
There was no way he'd get his hands on the crown
The behemoth drew near, mere metres away when it lunged
Its spearing incisors plunged down into nothing but dust
For I'd thrust myself up, leapt back as my foe cussed
Rolled over and just missed the edge of the squamous rust
As it was brawn he vaunted, I'd teach him a lesson
From my back pocket came my marvellous weapon!

My magical swordfish-trombone made a drone
That to mortals was more of a groan, but to whales?
'twas a missive, read "you don't want to miss this"
And they'd be amiss if they were to diss or dismiss it
But by now my vicious opponent had spat out the sand
That had met its malicious, nay, hideous fangs
And by Pala's guffawing, I had my next warning
As it pounced I was already withdrawing
With a jab of my swordfish-trombone I confirmed what I'd feared;
That the scales of the beast were too strong to be pierced
But that was no problem - in fact, it was perfect
If I avoided the maw for a few moments more
I would win this!

So I ran down the beach with the beast in pursuit
With its scutes scraping sand as it trailed like a root from the sea
'twixt lagoon and the brute, I was fixed to a route
But I scooted and swerved like I'd nothing to lose
In a moment or two, as I knew, I'd pull through
So for now I could stall by deriding the shrew:
"Oh Pala," I cried, "All that nonsense you spewed
Your bravado gewgaw is delightfully moot!
For you see, when you reckoned I was weak
Just a faltering wreck, another victim of the high seas
I'd seized the day, took the reins of a surveillance buffet
I've a whole dossier devoted to your foul play
A little birdie told me that you sought to please
A pod of friendly whales who were rather keen
On you proving your worth and your expertise
By subjugating this beast-" and there I had to cease
Spurred on by my fighting words
Pala had finally forced his serpent to lurch towards me
The resultant blow was a touch too low
But it was enough to throw me right off my feet and onto the beach
As I reached out to soften my fall
There came a squall with reverb that perturbed my soul
"You were meant to return with that serpent," I resumed
"Not abuse it for your own aims, and that's why you're doomed!
Whales do not forgive or forget, so heaven forfend
You defy their directive, a sure way to offend them
By keeping this creature, you've shown you haven't comprehended
That the point of your quest was to end the monster's torment of the realm
Your overwhelming hauteur will soon become a hubris
As it fast becomes apparent why you didn't want to do this
You've angered the most powerful beings in all this domain
Of course they're gonna bring you the (literal) pain!

(the horizon shook, the ocean water took on an awful hue
and bubbled like a brook but larger as the blood flowed faster and faster)

I splashed across the coastal shelf as the clash went to hell and back
The whales' eldritch attacks were too much to take in; as my mind began to spin
I heard the serpent's last gasp, a guttural rasp
As it thrashed and lashed out for a final assault
But it faltered; the gashes and slashes it sported spat blood like faucets
So it crashed through the water's surface
And off leapt its burden, the coward determined to end me
Abruptly the ocean receded, water fell from beneath me
A cachalot had come from below having seen Palamedes
With a sweep of its tail, it caught him
And another flick brought him down onto its back with a thwack
I sprung from the sea, landing perfectly over Palamedes
"You were right," I roared, "the first blood will be yours!"
I hefted the oaf and piledrove him into the blowhole

(which was pretty hard to do, really, 'cause you see, sperm whales have their blowholes at an angle on the left side of their heads, so I had to dangle Pala over the edge rather precariously - I'd say it'd have been simpler to shove the bugger in from the sea, but I guess that wouldn't have been anywhere near as dramatic... and it didn't exactly kill him, either, it just made him a bit more miffed, so I had to run him through with my swordfish a couple of times, you know, didn't please the whale particularly)

(I'm rambling, aren't I?)

(...yeah...)

The battle was over, the verdict was in
The whales had approved of the awesome wherein
They'd particularly liked how I'd sent their invite
To partake of the fight 'twixt fang and fin
And therefore my saviours proffered me a favour
They would do what they could to reward my behaviour
The prize I desired required some design
I resigned myself quietly to the passage of time
I managed the creation of my base of operations
The atoll was now a station for all orchestrations
I produced machinations, studied past altercations
Every last rumination devoted to my planned domination
And so, when the artisan octopi arrived with the fruit of their labour
I savoured the moment, and prepared for adventure

Ahoy there me hearties! I've this 'ere boarding party
That be wantin' ta scrutinise yer booty!
Give us license ta plunder else we'll tear ye asunder
An' I be hatin' ta lay waste ta ya beauty!

'twas a pirate's life for me!
Terrorising the high seas, taking treasure as I pleased
Like candy from a water baby, it was crazy how easy I could make it
So I made it big, sent resisters to the brig
And my loot back to base to fund the arms race
That was keeping up a mad pace, and in places was turning quite stormy
As my swordfish all too gladly informed me, its first casualty came on day 23
When the hapless Truegreen suffered Fogel's rum scheme
His ignoble invention? A "giant robot energy lightning mace"
In actuality, a blue whale with panic plastered right across its face!
It was super effective, as one would expect of it
When your foe wields a whale, you're gonna get wrecked a bit!
Up next was poor Scoffles; so vexed by his scuffles
With Pharmacy was he that he hardly took heed of seedy's sudden sortie
'fore he was savagely ceased
And you don't want to know what happened to youdont12know
What'd he think was gonna happen when he tried to summon the Kraken?
Honestly... and thus three months whirled round like a whirlwind
When word came from Schazer that she'd like to start diplomacy
I set course for netural territory, navigating rather leisurely
I'd nothing to unsettle me, I'd nobody as enemy
I was wholly laidback; nay, foolishly slack
When we discovered the stacks and the stumps stood alone in a backwater dump
I should have suspected that something was up...

(oh, yeah, this was oh-so predictable)

Even with my army
I couldn't help feeling so scared
Something breached through the rock face
It was a rock lobster!
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
(rock lobster!)
Oh how I wish I meant a member of the family Palinuridae!
(rock lobster!)
-s. Plural! Every pillar hid a bushel!
The coven I'd awoken was a legion with cohesion
My langouste was cooked 'cause these bouldery brutes looked like they meant business!
So did rock have a weakness?
Swords couldn't cut it
Cannonballs bounced off it
Our party had no grass types
So the only thing left to try was... paper?
Paper beats rock, right?
Well it worked, eventually, albeit a little unconventionally
Since the only paper aboard was my, um, literature collection for those long nights at sea
(oh, please don't judge me)
I leapt upon the bow and bellowed to the rowdy lobsters:
"In the name of good relations, let us start negotiations"
("RAWK, RAWK!") they replied; I hoped it a good sign
And continued:
(rock lobster! Down those craggy claws! Down, down)
I gave them their racy gifts and the shift in attitude was immediate
Turns out it's pretty lonely out there in the middle of the ocean
So for all those at home who are still confused as to how paper beats rock
Let's just say it's the rock that does the beating, preposition not included
And I thought their carapaces were as hard as hard got...
Anyway, we then all proceeded to have-

(little fish dart in and out of their homes in the kelp forest)

You're listening to NNN, the Nautilus News Network, premier station in the WHALE DIMENSION. In the field and on the ground (well, ocean) reporting news, ah... when we get to it. Seriously, this place is bloody huge. It takes forever to get to the scene... anyway, we go live now to Fred Schneider who is holed up on Craggy Island for us. You there, Fred?

Yeah, Ricky, I'm here on this frontline shithole. It's day 291 of the WHALE DUEL and there's still no end in sight; but that doesn't mean it's stagnating, oh boy it ain't. We report today on rumours that Fogel, Schazer and Sruixan may have formed an alliance. It's still unofficial as of yet, and their forces have been seen clashing throughout this area, but analysts report that casualty rates in those battles have been averaging roughly two percent, far lower than what you'd expect, and they've been failing to intervene in battles near their territory when one of the other two is involved. When approached for comment, Schazer declined, but one of our reporters says Fogel smiled mysteriously and said, "Whatever makes for the best story," before vanishing in a puff of ink. Looks like his involvement with the squid community is going somewhere... now, none of our reporters have actually returned from Sruixan's land, so we're unlikely to get his opinion on the matter. That reminds me, Ricky, are you gonna be at Kate's funeral this evening?

It was stalemate, at this rate we'd never be leaving
The once great affray'd given way to proceedings most feeble
We'd gleefully broadened our battles to warfare
Where all's fair and more flair would grace our misdeeds
But this grand strategy and its great majesty was a tragedy
A travesty of two teams
On one side - Fogel, Schazer and I
On the other - Pharmacy, granola and seedy
We'd conceded our brawls had been narrow in scope
And we'd hoped grander scale would improve them, but no
Our campaigns were impaired by these foreign affairs
We couldn't partake of our bloodshed, aware
That we had to maintain a good face; were we daring
We'd play generals at best, a role scarcely scary

It was all about gestures and tact - our attacks
Were more verbal, if that, though in fact we did sometimes contest
When it best suited business, a token resistance to politic indifference
For instance, granola and Schazer once vied in an age old tradition
A krill cooking competition - the produce I tasted was hideous
But it quashed an invidious whisper of ill will between them
So often we'd channel disputes into prattle
To set our reputes by the art of rap battle
And whilst it was fun to just rattle off rhymes all the time
I missed the sublime altercations of our conflict's prime
But of course there was more to our formal performance
Our fight wasn't dormant - it was far too important to shelve
We had just had to delve into realms more covert than before

As the poor krill was grilled, it masked the real thrill of that day
The orcas and narwhals of faraway waters would see their new ceasefire decay
Into slaughter; what ought to have caused an uproar was ignored by the press
The proxy war granola and Schazer expressed their aggression with
Was free to achieve new success in addressing it
And the lyrical showdowns were pretext to roam around enemy lands
Get the lowdown from spies, rendezvous with allies and defectors
Reconnaissance reccies where our mapping was sketchy
And although I'd preferred the way that things were
When our battles were focussed on us, not our nations
I was stirred by the sway I just couldn't demur
I commanded a grand federation!

But no one expected the next big upset - a swift, sudden offensive
Those vile Spaniard Sharks fired missiles from their arks
That appeared out of nowhere - they needed no fanfare
Their ruthless efficiency made most of my infantry toothless
They brutally tore up the seaboard near Schazer's headquarters
And savaged the fleet that were Fogel's transporters of troops
It was painfully clear - these were shark privateers
Who'd been paid for by our rivals to raze us
Our response was two-pronged; as I'd longed for some action
I took charge of a faction of Schazer's narwhals
And set course for the lands of our foes
Whilst Fogel and Schazer entered talks with granola and Pharms as distraction
But they quickly fractured, turned viciously acrid then violent
granola was used a bludgeon by Pharms to foil Schazer's bid to disarm her
A move that would fatally wound both weapon and victim
And widened the schism, pure antagonism
That polarised sides and signalled the end of our time of peace

(you know, I can't help but think that, by now, I've got to be running out of high-tension backing tracks, surely?)
(wait, never mind)
(actually, no, er, hang on one second... aaaaaand stop - that was a bit too fast and fretful. Have we got anything, I dunno, gloomier?)
(ah, much better)
(the full meaning of that joke is going to be lost on absolutely everyone, until they read the credits that is, buuut, whatever, it keeps me going)

At long last, the duel was afoot once again
And it looked like this time we just might see it through to an ending
For granola and Schazer both needed avenging

Fogel and Pharmacy immediately rekindled their rivalry
For one last reprisal; a terminal trial where the prize was survival
Whilst I cannot provide a true first-hand recital
The fallout provides an insight into quite how
They managed to cause such complete devastation
And consign all our empires to sheer ruination
In the course of their final engagement
They caused armageddon

It was Fogel's fault, mostly; through the months of impasse
He had tirelessly worked, putting painstaking graft into brass and to blubber
Making something more other than worldly
His journey through the edges of ethics had its roots in the effort he'd made
Back in earlier days with the blue whale mace Truegreen had faced
But he'd lofty ideas for his darling
And with his ingenuity the result was alarming

The strife between rivals swept out of the private retreat
Where their tries at a treaty had failed to proceed
Leaving havoc behind them; their venue decided
They brought their fight down to the fringe of a reef
Where Pharmacy's prowess at weaponising all items
Alighted on a driftwood machete
But Fogel was ready to spring his surprise
On the world and thus from the ocean did rise his creation
A terrifying, bizarrely constructed abomination
A dragon whale, with wings on a scale that could cover the sky if it pleased
Each beat of these sinister pinions would stir up a blistering wind
As its gruesome patagia dripped foam from the waves
It was clear that the beast had an eerieness far too severe
From the spider-like network of rods and brass gears that kept it aloft
To the soft blubber scars that surrounded its mouth in an ominous arc
It was awful, in both ways, but Pharmacy wasn't afraid
Unfazed, she continued to fight; if Fogel had hoped to perturb her
That hope had been dashed outright
But the dragon was more than a frightening sight
It could murder!

It lurched through the sky thrashing surf as it tried to stay above the bay
Its jaw screeched open, revealing vast fangs that a baleen whale shouldn't have
And within its infernal internals that Fogel had carefully plumbed with a purpose
The first few notes of a song oft rehearsed were begun
But the melody had an accompaniment; the sounds had ignited
The true jewel of Fogel's achievement
What good was a dragon without its inferno?

In the strike that, perhaps, in the whole competition
Was the prettiest, deadliest, most awesome exhibition of force
Pharmacy perished, as was the intention
But alas for poor Fogel, in his estimation
The flames were more focussed than the huge conflagration
That actually burst from the mouth of his monster
And charred him as well; without him to handle the dragon
It blackened the beach and roasted the reef all around it
The unstoppable beast saw the world as its feast
And proceeded to bake it at ten thousand degrees
Gas mark 390, leave to stand for one minute before serving

At the time, all I saw was the cloud-cloaked horizon
The black smoke dividing the sky and the sea
I called for my swordfish; I wished to establish the cause of the blaze
But I thought little more of the smouldering mess
I had my own mission to bring to fruition
And no time to dither or dilly-dally
I'd to dish out comeuppance to the cowardly muppets
Who'd engaged privateers to do their dirty duty
But my journey was fated, what destiny awaited me at my destination
Was far greater than I'd ever reckoned
And beckoned me closer with each passing second
I approached the ultimate battle

Clandestinely arriving in enemy territory
My narwhals and I were already unsettled by the silence
The islands we passed were as quiet as graveyards
But of course that was quite what they were!
It was clear that a rampage had torn through the great archipelago (ark-ih-pella-go)
And left these inelegant wrecks like an ever so delicate message
That whatever responsible was not into messing around
Or perhaps it was not in fact what but a who
As astute listeners will have marked a lacuna
In the line-up involved in this longwinded saga
So guess who was waiting with her beluga armada?

Like all good endings, it began with a sudden understanding of dramatic proportions
My swordfish explorers returned with reports of a catastrophic misfortune
Their account was a muddle, an awkward befuddlement
Of dragons, agonising demises and parley denials
But the smile that my soon-to-be rival exuded
Was a clue and alluded to our imminent feud
The beady-eyed figure of seedy stood gleaming
As the light from the fires caught the blood on her suit of armour
She'd ransacked the islands to outfit her beluga armada
But no matter how reckless she'd been in preparing to crush me
What she hadn't quite reckoned on was that I was commanding
A pod of the late Schazer's narwhals, not my typical arms
And the beluga and narwhal were eternal adversaries

So of course both our armies were instantly useless
They'd their own feud to settle
Our bidding would meddle their oppportunity to assault sans impunity
They deserted, diverted away from the main head-to-head
To seek vengeance for erstwhile engagements
And left seedy to gawp at the flagrant rebellion
And I to praise quietly their ancestral obsessions
That would leave us to fight unassisted

I stared down my wicked and twisted assailant
"It looks like our fight will be somewhat unaided
I'd rather it, really, it keeps it more pure
We'll return to the shanking we vied with before"
"So be it," she retorted, "though my plans have been thwarted
I concur with your thoughts on the splendour of shanking!
And whilst I was banking on my belugas for most of the battle
I'd kept my blade handy to clear out the rabble"
And thus we agreed on the terms of the terminal duel
In the series of brawls that had rocked this dimension
A victory here was the final requirement
In winning this splendid contention

En garde! We were still yards apart - our advances were cautious
Both wary of starting too early; the eventual balestra was seedy's
I sidestepped it easily, she retried immediately
Her compound riposte was strategically sly
I had no time to try and commence my own counter assault
With effort, I managed a shaky but damaging prise de fer
And repaired my position - with prime intuition
I avoided the next of her thrusts
Cutting upwards, I aimed for her throat
But I missed by a mote; she recovered
And coiled back to buffer the distance between us
A caesura elapsed and perhaps that was where my conviction would cost me
seedy's flunge was impossibly fast, and her turn even faster
Her blade battered mine, her glissade knocked it right out of reach
And it fell to the beach - I could scarcely leap back before seedy attacked once again
I was pinned to the sand by her dexterous hand
And her sword was in dreadful proximity
The glint in her eyes like the fire in the skies above us spoke of malice
Her iniquitous cackle showed that she'd won the battle
And in a single strike, she beheaded me

Now, I know what you're thinking; you might have an inkling
That perhaps this has gone a bit fanciful
For my beautiful body is stood here before you
And my head is regaling this tale
I suggest that you cast your mind back to my rock lobster pals
Who were regrettably too distractible to employ in battle
But they knew certain secrets; like one that could render a weakness
Such as "being decapitated" completely invalid
Lobster immortality has no base in reality
Except this - the trick to living on for a tiny little bit

Long enough, as it happens, to rally oneself into scuttling over to where one's blade had fallen
And with a bit of a lunge, wedge it firmly 'twixt tongue and teeth
(a little tricky this - some practice lessens the risk of further injury)
Whilst seedy was reeling at my persistence in the realm of the living
I drew a little nearer, my newfound agility let me tackle her easily

So yeah, that was sort of that, really
The surgeonly sturgeons reattached me with unfaultable urgency
And set me on my way... which is funny, actually
There was some sort of ceremony with the elder whales
You know, as a celebration of my triumph?
But my memory of the occasion is rather foggy
There was definitely a crown, mind, which was the main thing I was hoping for
And there was definitely a lot of screaming
Which I guess was the admiring crowds when they glimpsed me?
Whatever - besides, my clothes look better in red anyway
Oh, and before I forget, Fogel's creation did get sorted out in the end
By the same whales that did Palamedes' serpent in, no less
So that's all okay then
Uh, jolly good; sorry for taking so long, but it was a whole bloody year, you know?
And very hard to condense down into- oh
Um, right, well, okay. One question. When did you all leave? Really?

(...hello? Anybody? I was the winner, you know, you could at least listen to me)

(...please?)

Credits
(you probably won't need this, but still)

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SpoilerAbsolutely none of the music involved is mine, obviously, and I apologise to all of the artists whose wonderful creations I've butchered with Audacity's editing tools. The victims of my mistreatment are, in order:

Belbury Poly Logotone B by Belbury Poly
(hilariously, the first piece abused is the only one I can't find on the internet)
The (House Guest's) Guitar by Frivolous
Gumtree by Spoonbill
Atlantis Coastguard Corruption by Ugress
Tortoise Locomotive by Ugress
Turning Wheel by Ugress
Rock Lobster by The B-52's (album version)
Under by Kelpe
Swordfishtrombones by Tom Waits
Cowboy Desperado by Ugress
Planetfall by Ugress
Fountain Of Gloom by Ugress
Lillies Off The Trolley by Ugress

The profusion of Ugress is due to 1) him being utterly splendid 2) me having a vague recollection of him having a decent stance on the use of his creations 3) using his music has worked well for me in the past 4) did I mention he's utterly splendid?

It also bears noting that I've made use of a number of sounds acquired through freesound.org, but I forgot to make a proper list. I think the following represent everything involved, so many thanks to the wonderful people who provided these to the internet:

https://www.freesound.org/people/ERH/sounds/30333/
https://www.freesound.org/people/Dguil/sounds/85212/
https://www.freesound.org/people/funkyfierce/sounds/106747/
https://www.freesound.org/people/lavatorius/sounds/117790/
https://www.freesound.org/people/klangfabrik/sounds/128617/
https://www.freesound.org/people/wilhelmus1959/sounds/195193/

And, finally, tremendous thanks to Dini, whose infinite patience regarding my inability to perceive deadlines made this possible, the real-life friend of mine who last week accepted my very unusual excuse for not fancying multiplayer Civ 5 that particular evening, and my dad, who didn't pry too much into my hugely unlikely, near-encyclopedic knowledge of Rock Lobster's ridiculous lyrics as accidentally revealed in conversation.

*KRSHHHHHHH*



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