<Aryogaton> I believe this channel has strayed back into the usual chatter
<@Schazer> and that was Aryo, with the channel weather
<PickYerPoison> Okay fuck I can't use this premise
<@Schazer> now to Pyp for sports
<@Schazer> PickYerPoison?
<PickYerPoison> I cannot use the required quote-based format for this--oh, are we live?
<PickYerPoison> Well uh, today was a great day for sports fans.
<@Schazer> Yes we are, Pick.
<PickYerPoison> The Old River Blowflies triumphed over the Seven Streams Astronauts in an amazing game of Blipball!
<PickYerPoison> The first shutout of the season, it was.
<@Schazer> That's fantastic! Blowfly fans will be celebrating tonight, then.
<PickYerPoison> The Blowflies scored a whopping three hundred and fourteen points, compared to the Astronaut's negative two hundred.
<@Schazer> :o
<@Schazer> o:
<@Schazer> fuck
<PickYerPoison> I hear Martin Brandgoldfrenchman, their star player, also broke the world record for most insects squashed in one game!
<@Schazer> I put two hundred on the 'nauts getting a positive score
<PickYerPoison> Oh, sounds like you're out some money, then, Schazer!
<PickYerPoison> I can't say I blamed you, though. They've done quite well this year.
<@Schazer> Well
<PickYerPoison> Barely any of their players were injured, after all!
<@Schazer> it was the money I got from pimping your mother out, Pyp
<PickYerPoison> What? Was that where she was all last month?
<PickYerPoison> Goddammit, she said she was going to Florida for some R&R!
<Aryogaton> Who is the top player of the season, PYP
<@Schazer> Pyp you're still live
<PickYerPoison> Easy, that's Walt Wiper Whimley Weleman XVI!
<Aryogaton> What about Wei Kemp Norris
<PickYerPoison> With more than sixteen thousand bases stolen, forty five women's hearts broken, eighteen houses broken into, and an astounding three bar fights won, he has clearly triumphed in the metagame of Blipball.
<PickYerPoison> Wei Kemp Norris has done quite well this year, improving his personal average of balls blocked with his face by oh point five two!
<PickYerPoison> Fortunately for him, his average of balls blocked by way of groin has dropped by oh point oh two.
<@Schazer> Can we get an estimate on cocks blocked, Pyp?
<PickYerPoison> In this season, there were more than fifteen thousand cock blocks!
<@Schazer> also, clocks boxed, books cooked, and backs clocked?
<PickYerPoison> Outside of this season, there were far more. Most of them by my stupid son-of-a-bitch cousin.
<Wheat> The semifinals were rigged
<PickYerPoison> Oooo, I haven't seen a good clock boxing since the Spring of '97!
<Wheat> last year
<PickYerPoison> I'm sure many of you remember when Havener Pitchfork threw such a scrap that he had all the robotic clocks running for their lives!
<Wheat> the Orangeonauts threw the game in order to get Gamblin' Money
<PickYerPoison> That is an excellent point, Wheat. I'm glad you brought it up.
<PickYerPoison> I'd like to take this moment to address the growing concern over the rigging of the semifinals, an increasingly popular scandal.
<Wheat> YOU CANT WHITEWASH THIS
<@Schazer> well of course not
<PickYerPoison> I'm sure many were confused by the triumph of the Lemonsailors over the Orangeonauts, despite the far superior record of the Orangeonauts.
<@Schazer> they banned whitewashing
<PickYerPoison> I must admit I was, myself, surprised for quite a while over the fact.
<PickYerPoison> But I had all my problems explained when I found out that, secretly, half of the Orangeonauts' players had been injured in a horrible practice incident less than a week earlier, and were all located in separate offshore hospitals.
<@Schazer> again
<PickYerPoison> Which is why come game day, most of the team of the Orangeonauts consisted of stunt doubles!
<@Schazer> whitewash inhalation
<Wheat> YOU ARE A PAID SUIT FOR THE LEAGUE I KNOW IT
<PickYerPoison> Who, although excellent at acting, proved terrible at Blipball.
<Wheat> The
<Wheat> conspiracy
<Wheat> will
<Wheat> be
<Wheat> revealed
<PickYerPoison> They raised the team's average of pop flies eaten, and dramatically lowered its runs stolen and feels copped.
<PickYerPoison> Constant failures to acknowledge unwarranted advances by the slutty cheerleaders contributed greatly to the team's low score.
<Wheat> No, those outing-seven pledge-limericks were bona-fide Orangeonaut
<@Schazer> she got lo-oh low low low low low low low
<PickYerPoison> By the end of the game, some of the Lemonsailors had reached as far as eighteenth base, while most of the Orangeonauts were still stuck groping around at fifth.
<PickYerPoison> Even the bonus points earned by the captain's twenty minute non-stop string of cursing, in which he was intraveneously fed oxygen to prevent from passing out, was unable to allow the Orangeonauts to win the game.
<Wheat> Slew Mannowitz gives off definitive facial tics when he performs any kind of sporting poetry
<Wheat> he wasn't a stunt double
<Wheat> and besides
<@DragonFogel> Wheat, all the games are rigged. You wouldn't want those ships to sail without any riggings, would you?
<Wheat> my ex-boyfriend confided to me
<Wheat> ex-boyfriend Ronald "Slick Grips" Mastercannon
<PickYerPoison> Didn't he set the world record for feels copped during one inning?
<PickYerPoison> I believe his catch phrase was, "I've been everywhere."
<Wheat> that he was told to throw down the jersey in the almost-middle-of-the-fifth
<@Schazer> well
<@Schazer> he's the only player to have succesfully performed through three straight innings and outings in one run
<Wheat> that's why you saw him ripping that shirt off
<PickYerPoison> Followed by four homosexual innings and one bisexual overtime orgy.
<Wheat> that's why he exposed his weak underbelly to the opponents
<@Schazer> that's uh
<@Schazer> that's not all he exposed
<PickYerPoison> It's all the cameras were allowed to show, though! Ha ha ha!

<PickYerPoison> Now, before we call today's sports section to a close, I'm going to take a moment to address some reader questions that particularly spoke to me.
<Wheat> right but he exposed his weak point, that's the important part
<PickYerPoison> Hogarth of Minnesota, Australia asks:
<@DragonFogel> I think I'm heading out to sleep.
<Wheat> Night fogel
<Wheat> make sure to keep an eye out for league cronies
<PickYerPoison> "Dear ToxicSports, what is your take on the outrageous catch "Big Al" Afron made in the last match between the Zebrafish and the Antelopes?"
<PickYerPoison> "Sincerely, LargeHadronCollider"
<PickYerPoison> Well, Overcompensating Hardon Collider, I'd have to say that I thought the catch was quite amazing.
<PickYerPoison> However, it brings up a more important issue - the use of illegal stimulants in sports games.
<PickYerPoison> Now, this is a heavily contested point, but it is my firm personal belief that the way in which "Big Al" Afron piledrove the target dummy through the stadium wall indicates that he was using illegal stimulants.
<PickYerPoison> I don't have any proof - it's not like I could obtain any blood samples, after all - but I believe the evidence and the three foot concrete that wall was made out of will prove my point.
<Bropocalypse> How do you piledrive throw a wall
<Bropocalypse> through*
<Bropocalypse> that's like driving a car vertically
<PickYerPoison> It looked quite painful, but that's Blipball for you! Ha ha ha!
<PickYerPoison> A thousand ways to score, and dozens more ways to..."score."
* PickYerPoison wiggly eyebrows.
<Tam_Lin> Yesss
<Wheat> IT IS OUR RIGHT AS AMERICANS (at least the american teams) FOR "OUR BOYS" TO INJECT THEMSELVES WITH DANGEROUS AND HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL STIMULANTS SO THEY CAN DO DEATH-DEFYING ACTION STUNTS AND ENTERTAIN US BETTER
<Wheat> .
<PickYerPoison> Another popular viewpoint. I think we can all see the appeal here!
<Wheat> it's OUR TAXDOLLARS paying for their illegal stimulants SO WHY NOT?
<Wheat> if you don't, you HATE CAPITALISM and you HATE AMERICA
<Wheat> or their automobiles
<PickYerPoison> After all, what would Blipball be without its death-defying action, unstoppable destruction of expensive property, and wanton disregard for safety and human health?
<PickYerPoison> Anything which contributes to those purposes surely forwards the goal of Blipball!
<PickYerPoison> I'll leave that one for you readers to decide.

<PickYerPoison> Now, our next letter:
<PickYerPoison> "Dear ToxicSports, what do you think of the uproar questioning the legality of the 'invisible partitions' ruse employed by the Manhunters in their last match against the Mandolins?
<PickYerPoison> Sincerely, KeenEye"
<PickYerPoison> Well, BlindEye, I rather enjoyed seeing the effects of the 'invisible partition' ruse, as it has come to be called.
<PickYerPoison> I must admit, for such a relatively dull match, the sudden appearance of invisible
hazards on the field certainly stirred things up!
<PickYerPoison> But the Mandolins cried foul when they began to realize that, strangely enough, the partitions set up by the enemy team were in fact hindering their own efforts.
<@Schazer> But Pyp, wasn't the Statute on Invisible Limitations lifted last year after an appeal by the Mandolins themselves?
<PickYerPoison> It was indeed! Good catch, Schazer. I'd almost forgotten about that!
<@Schazer> This is why I'm the political editor
<@Schazer> and you're the sportscaster
<Bropocalypse> Is that the statute that limits the number of invisible things or on how invisible they can be?
<PickYerPoison> It seems, then, that the Mandolins were particularly enraged by this, since it was in fact a modification of their own "mechanical glass cats" plan, which they had attempted to use the previous year.
<PickYerPoison> Quite right, Bropocalypse! That is one of the many things it covers.
<PickYerPoison> I might turn your question over to Schazer, our political editor, for this one.
<@Schazer> Thanks, Pyp.
<Bropocalypse> Right, invisible objects have to have a minimum of 0.004 visuality units to be legal
<Bropocalypse> In other words, visible if you lookr eally close and squint
<@Schazer> The Statute did initially place a blanket ban on all things with an Invisibility Index of that's right
<@Schazer> less than 0.004 Gigagogglies
<@Schazer> although most of that did stem around the untimely (and heavily politicised) death of John "Jackalope" Sasparilla
<@Schazer> who, as Pyp can inform us, was the longest-ruling captain of which Northern District team?
<PickYerPoison> Why, the aptly-named Failures!
<@Schazer> yup!
<PickYerPoison> Infamous for their long line of hideous injuries, both on and off field.
<PickYerPoison> And the only team to ever be disqualified from a world cup game with the reason being that they had destroyed the stadium!
<@Schazer> Really, it was the last straw when their antler-sporting uniforms, intended as a homage to Sasparilla, got caught in the invisible ceiling fans in that same stadium-destroying championship qualifier in '86!
<Iriwalzen> Pffff you sports fact nerds
<PickYerPoison> Yes, that truly marked the beginning of the end of the Failures.
<PickYerPoison> You know, they started out not too far from where I was born?
<@Schazer> anyway, after Sasparilla's on-field death and the consequent hospitalisation of the Failures, the Statute (lobbied by fiercly by the the predecssors of the Manhunters, the Golddiggers, of all teams) was going to be enforced without a doubt.
<PickYerPoison> My father and I would often go watch them spontaneously combust on field during their Saturday practice sessions.
<@Schazer> After the "Glass Cannon Riots" in 92, the statute was repealed to some extent so the Newborough Nudists could play with their culture respected while still sticking by Rule 16 which, of course, is "while there are no rules in place for public exhibitionism of players walking off the field, the players must be "decent" in accordance with the county laws in which the game is being played when walking onto the field."
<@Schazer> of course, that rule shut out the Nudists for an extended length of the sport's history until the workaround was found with these transparent uniforms.
<@Schazer> The only legislation blocking that was, of course, the Statute on Invisible Limitations, which was after appeal extended to allow the Nudists to stride onto the field with pride and all their bits dangling.
<PickYerPoison> That caused quite an uproar until the Blipball National Organization repealed the 'males only' rule, if I recall correctly.
<@Schazer> actually, funny fact
<@Schazer> the "males only" rule was repealed before the first amendment to the Statute
<Bropocalypse> That reminds me of the year that the Soho Sandies were disqualified from the match with the Tampa Tinfoils when the governor ruled that the color of the Sandies' uniform was indecent
<PickYerPoison> Oh, it seems I did not recall correctly after all! Ha ha ha!
<@Schazer> Bro
<@Schazer> to be fair
<@Schazer> salmon on teal is disgusting
<Bropocalypse> Too true.
<SonidZero> lmao
<PickYerPoison> Oh, but it was a very amusing fight afterwards.
<@Schazer> there were more people hospitalised during the game than in the riots afterward
<PickYerPoison> The players vomiting on field was my favorite part.
<PickYerPoison> Personally, I view the hideous color scheme as more of an ingenious tactic employed by the Sandies than a tragic wardrobe accident.
<PickYerPoison> The mere sight of a Sandie in uniform was enough to cause the crowd to groan in despair.
<@Schazer> Indeed! Well, I think that's all we've got time for tonight, thank you Pick!
<@Schazer> Tune in next week, sportsfans!
<PickYerPoison> This is ToxicSports, signing out!
<PickYerPoison> Stay classy, New Metropolitan San Diego!

<Schazer> how about
<Schazer> sunny afternoons
<Pancakes> :>
<Schazer> with chromosome mapping revision
<Aryogaton> SCIENCE
<Godbot> no, no, aryo
* Schazer slaps Aryo
<Godbot> this isn't SCIENCE
<Godbot> it's regular boring ol' science
<Schazer> it's MURDER
<Aryogaton> SLAPCIENCE
<PickYerPoison> Do I have to go through the chart again?
<PickYerPoison> Sigh. Roll the tape.
<PickYerPoison> WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF THE MORE YOU KNOW
<PickYerPoison> SPECIAL KIDS EDITION.
<PickYerPoison> More and more reports are flooding in, and the evidence is unmistakeable. Kids these days don't know shit 'bout science!
<PickYerPoison> Let's start with the basics, shall we?
* PickYerPoison starts pointing at a whiteboard with diagrams.
<PickYerPoison> You have two types of science - regular boring science and SCIENCE, the exciting kind.
* PickYerPoison points to a guy in a labcoat.
<PickYerPoison> Regular science is what real scientists do. When you see the scientific method being applied, this is "boring science," or "regular science."
* PickYerPoison points to a maniacally laughing man firing a doom laser.
<PickYerPoison> SCIENCE is what the COOL scientists do. When you smell smoke, feel a burning sensation in your extremities, or see or hear explosions, there is an eighty-seven point five two nine three percent, weighted, chance that you are within a four mile proximity of SCIENCE.
<PickYerPoison> I hope this has been an informative lesson to all of you children. Next time, we will discuss the difference between "school" and "old school."

* PickYerPoison starts pointing at a whiteboard with diagrams.
<Schazer> "this is a whiteboard!"
<Schazer> "it is white because it reflects most of the visible light spectrum!"