PREVOUSLY ON DOCTOR WHO
Timu — Yesterday at 11:33 PM

sontarans have attacked earth again, helped by Space Senator who had infilitrated UNIT, which is earth's military thing that fights aliens when no one else does.
The Sontarans are attacking Yaz, Dan (it's Dan), Rich 1820s Guy, and Jericho in the time fuckery portal tunnels, and
Sontarans are also attacking Dog Man and Tamogotchi Lady up in the Dog Shield, which is a massive barrier of Dog Ships all connected and encasing earth to protect it from the Thanos Dust Wave.
Meanwhile, Vinder (Tamogotchi Lady's partner and Tamogotchi's dad) and Dan's Girlfriend has been imprisoned in Third Guy, which is like a robot guy or something who contains a vast prison dimension inside it.

Meanwhile, the Doctor had been captured by the Division and is at their home base which is outside of the universe out in the multiverse's empty parts.
Thanos and Thanos Sister had shown up and killed The Doctor's Evil Mom (also known as Cryptic Old Lady and the boss of Division).
Team Thanos are preparing to unleash the final Thanos Dust Wave to finish destroying the universe. They work for the Concept Time which had been imprisoned in Triangle Church by the Division (allowing the Division to take over the universe and rule it from the shadows)

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The Doctor rips off the control panel of the Division Home Base, trying to send her back to the universe and escape Team Thanos. However because science, this splits the Doctor into three Doctors. They share one mind though, or, maybe it's three minds but the doctor is so smart that it's basically still one mind... uh..........., so basically the doctor is controlling three bodies simultaneously.

Doctor #1 is still at the Division Home Base, where Team Thanos has picked up the Memory Watch which contains all of the memories of the Doctor's Past Lives that were taken. Now they are going to use it to torture the Doctor! They go visit the Funny Floating House, which showed up briefly and mysteriously in part 2 and didn't show up again until now. It's the Doctor's childhood home, and Thanos uses his dust powers to symbolically destroy and un-destroy it as a fun way of torturing the doctor's timeline or something. Then they get bored and leave and then nothing important happens with these guys until the end of the episode
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Doctor #2 shows up in the Dog Shield. She has a plan, she detaches the Dog Ship from the rest of the Dog Shield
Dog Man and Tamogotchi Lady are there
Doctor #2 sets their Dog Ship to fly to the Sontaran's Temporary HQ. Doctor #2 and Dog Man get captured on purpose as part of their plan while Tamogotchi Lady sneaks off to... do something idk
something that ultimately doesn't really matter that much

The Sontarans inform Dog Man that every Dog Species back up in the Dog Shield have been killed by dumping them out of the Dog Airlocks!! NOOOOOO
And then The Doctor is taken off to be interrogated by Space Senator. However the Doctor ignores all his questions and instead looks around and deduces clues and stuff about the room and Space Senator as a sort of reverse-interrogation to find out the evil plan.
Turns out what Space Senator's deal is that he has one snake in him, teleports it into a person who eats it way out and then climbs back into his body. So it's one snake. There goes my theory that he's "like a thousand baby snakes in a trenchcoat?!?!" but that's okay cause we actually got exactly that like 4 or 5 seasons ago, before I was making reviews.


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Doctor #3 has appeared in the tunnels with all the weird timespace portal doors! Yaz, Dan, Jericho and Rich 1820s Guy already defeated the Sontarans attacking them, and have met up with Kate, who was the ex-leader of UNIT before Space Senator overthrew her. Fortunately this is also where the Tardis is, which means that the newly reunited Team Doctor can now proceed to clear out their list of chores:

-Step 1: go to the Sontaran headquarters and rescue Doctor #2, Tamogotchi Lady and Dog Man
They do that and also the doctors flirt with each other

step 2: go to Third Guy and rescue Vinder and Dan's Girlfriend.
Previously, it turns out that Dan's Girlfriend is apparently super competent cause literally all of team Thanos's other prisoners were already eaten, and she is the only survivor, and she dug into the floor of Third Guy's circuitry and started fucking around. This allowed them to get a message out of the third guy to the Tardis so that they can get rescued.
So that's what happened and now they are rescued. Tamogotchi Lady and Tamogotchi's Father have been reunited finally hooray
oh and Dan and Dan's girlfriend also

step 3: go meet up with Claire, the psychic Lady from the angels village episode, the one who had visions of the future and stuff? She got stranded back in the 1950s so they go pick her up.

The Sontarans are planning something.... something big...
The Sontaran Commander has been conducting raids.... on corner shops...
what could his nefarious goal be???
chocolate he wants the chocolate candies
this is the same guy who in episode 2, the mission was the conquer earth through time travel throughout its history, and he started with the crimean war specifically because 'i wanted to ride a horse'

anyway, the sontarans have also been looking for psychic people, so the doctor offers him the recipe for chocolate, in exchange the sontarans will take Claire and Jericho to their psychic research base. hm. not much of a trade is it? The sontaran commander is too enamoured by chocolate to consider the fact that the two free prisoners he just got are probably going to be spies or something

So turns out, the sontarans want the psychics to look into the future and determine the exact time and place of the Final Thanos Dust Wave, and since Claire is the first actually psychic human, they now know where the Final Flux Event will be. The Sontarans call up the Daleks and the Cyberman and say 'meet us here at this time and place, and we'll negotiate an alliance over conquering the remains of the universe'

it seems their plan is to have the final flux event destroy the daleks and cybermen, which their hijacked Dog Shield protects the sontarans, leaving them alone to conquer the universe without any competition.
now that team doctor knows the plan, Claire and Jericho activate their teleporter rings to go back to the tardis
oh no the sontarans are firing at them
apparently in order to use these teleporter rings you have to throw them on the ground and like, let them sit for a few seconds??
idk but apparently that means jericho has to buy time for claire to teleport out of there, but then his teleport ring gets damaged. oh no!

step 4: allow the sontarans to execute the first part of their plan! The Daleks and the Cybermen show up to the meeting place, and then the Thanos Dust Wave appears and destroys them! Now the sontarans just have to move their dog shield to protect themselves...

step 5: un-hijack the dog shield so that the sontarans aren't protected and are also destroyed by the thanos dust wave

Dog Man says 'these are MY dog ships you think i can't just push a button that will send out a pulse that defeats every sontaran on board and makes the dog shield not hijacked anymore?'
that sounds like it could have been useful back when every dog species was getting killed
i'm going to assume that the energy pulse that defeated the sontarans would have hurt everyone on board, so it wouldn't have been useful back then because the dog people were still around. sorry dog people the writers did you dirty on this one, i was really hoping it would turn out that 'the sontarans were lying about all the dog people dying, they were just prisoners' but that is not the case alas. rip dog people

step 6: now that the dust wave has destroyed the daleks, cybermen and sontarans, it's going to move on to destroy the rest of the universe! prevent that by putting it into a Third Guy

the tardis goes and fetches the Third Guy and puts it in front of the Thanos Dust Wave
then they have it, quote, "Hoover up the flux'
Good work everyone!

Rip Jericho, his teleport ring didn't work so he died heroically along with the sontarans

oh yeah, Space Senator went down to the portal tunnels to kill Kate but instead she and Vinder pointed a gun at him and forced him into a portal to nowhere, stranding him on a tiny little asteroid no bigger than a large boulder.

Oh also 1820s rich guy went home
Kate goes back home. Claire goes back home.
the Tamogotchi Couple go fly off into space on their Dog Ship to go raise their baby somewhere and the Dog Man comes with them because they are riding his dog ship and they won't leave even though he has asked them repeatedly to give his ship back

Dan's girlfriend is upset with Dan for reasons that I didn't quite understand. Honestly she never was his girlfriend and I never had the decency to give her a real name even though I said everyone else's name, i'm sorry
her name is Diane
i just looked it up
i'm so sorry
Anyway their first date had gotten interrupted by all of these happenings and them getting kidnapped and it looks like an actual first date isn't going to happen
sorry Dan, see you later Diane

oh heck
i forgot about Doctor 1
Team Thanos teleports them and Doctor #1 back to Triangle Church, where the Concept Time is being held. a Manifestation of Time shows up and complains that it's still being imprisoned.

Thanos is like 'no no it's fine, we pressed the button to unleash the final thanos dust wave and it will destroy the rest of the universe, along with this triangle church here and you'll be freed and you can put the universe in a fun little time loop where everyone can feel themselves dying over and over'

and Time says 'yeah but like, the other two doctors, quoted 'hoovered it all up' into your Third Guy so that's not going to happen'

and Thanos says 'what, aw man, heck we keep forgetting about third guy that's like the second or third time our own third guy foiled our evil plan

and Time says 'yup and i'm one of those evil bosses who kills my henchmen when they fail me so, you die and you die'

and so Thanos and Thanos Sister get obliterated

Doctor: okay so now what's going to happen to me?

Time: i'll fuse you and the other two doctors back into one doctor and send you on your merry way have fun, i'll get you next time, i'm still evil, don't forget, bye have fun, i hate you

not sure why Time didn't just, also obliterate the doctor right there and then but maybe like, Time can only obliterate its own henchmen because Thanos is like, made out of time particles or something idk? but like, thanos could definitely obliterate the doctor, so why not like Time says :" okay you failed me thanos, but like, do me a favor and dust the doctor for me please' and then after that then kill thanos idk
Time must have plans for later: "vague threats, something about The Master, i'll get you next time'

Well anyway everything's wrapped up, everyone's gone home except for Doctor Yaz and Dan who are going into the Tardis for their next adventure, and also except for Jericho who died and all the dog people who died and also Most of the Universe which got obliterated by the first Thanos Dust Wave in episode 1

Overall Rating:
Villain: The Concept Time! This fun universal law is reasonably angry at those disgusting matter-based creatures which put it inside of a triangle and used it to conquer the universe. It can put you in time loops and obliterate things but not really due to the whole triangle prison thing. Just be warned, it can see the future and merge your three separate timeline ghost aberration bodies into one body. Also when it talks to people it likes to manifest to appear exactly like you but wearing a cool jacket



Death Rate: seven billion dog people, like every sontaran, like every dalek, like every cybermen, Jericho, one random human eaten by Space Senator, Thanos, Thanos's Sister
Birth Rate: three doctor time aberrations
Overall death rate: Three like everys + 7,000,000,003⁰⁄₃
Overall Rating: Dan/10
Moral of the story: Unlike most "moral of the story" which just talk about plot holes and the lessons we learn from them about avoidable mistakes, this time will be more like a standard fortunate cookie sort of moral, like 'treat others the way you want to be treated' and stuff. A standard principle that we can take and apply to our day-to-day lives that will hopefully make us better people. Genocide is evil and not even liking chocolate and horses can absolve it.
Oh and also when you are going into unknown territory in order to exact revenge against the resistance leader for defying you, bring some of those soldiers from that army you command so you don't get forced at gunpoint to live on an asteroid forever simply because there happen to be two people down there instead of one
oh boy that is the end of the flux, the doctor has the watch containing her lost memories, but she dropped it into the tardis trash can cause i guess she doesn't want those memories back thatt much

Having just finished the Flux adventure, the doctor needs to turn the tardis off and on again in order to repair any damage it had taken during all that flux stuff. 
While it's restarting, they'll just have a nice time on the beach!  They run outside, the tardis locks behind them with cool glowy cracks, and oh no they're just in some random building in the UK again and not the nice place they meant to be in
well oh well, it's alright, according to the sonic screwdriver, it's new years eve, and, there's a temporal distortion 2 floors upstairs!!!

meanwhile, the disgruntled owner of the building, Sarah, is being bombarded with text messages.  This building is Elf Storage, where people can pay to rent out a room to put stuff in.  Every year, that prick employee of hers, Jeff, ditches right before new year's eve and makes her come in to work at exactly 11:51pm in order to deal with that one customer, Nick, who is the kind of weirdo who goes in to a self storage facility to store a monopoly board game at 9 minutes before new years

Nick goes off to his storage room to put away his Monopoly board game, when suddenly the lights turn red and a strange noise is heard outside.
he goes out into the hallway, and there's a Dalek!  Oh shit!  Daleks have upgraded their guns: now they are CHAINGUNS!  Rapid fire lasers!  pewpewpewpewpew and Nick is fucking dead D:

Sarah gets a call from her mom, who is somewhat overbearing and doesn't really let sarah get any words in.  Sarah hangs up in annoyance and sees that the elevator is being recalled back down to the lobby
but the doors open and, whoa it's the dalek!  oh shit!  pew pewepwpepwepwe Sarah is fucking dead!!!

then the doctor and yaz and dan burst in!  oh god!  two people have died!  well you won't get away with this, dalek!
The Doctor uses her sonic screwdriver to jam the dalek's weapons but. oh shit!  the daleks have upgraded their guns:  now they are chainguns that are also immune to sonic screwdriver interference!
uh oh.
pewpewpewpewpewpe the docot and yaz and dan are fucking dead
well
shit.

[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]

Overall Rating:
Villain: a Dalek!  Watch out for these fun little robot guys!  They shout really loudly and like to kill people!  Back in the day, a dalek would carry an egg-whisk gun, which would fire a single big laser that would do a lot of damage, but with their recent upgrade, a rotary action barrel thing allows them to fire multiple laser blasts which will go all over the place and absolutely overkill a target dead!  Plus, that pesky doctor's old sonic jamming trick doesn't work on them!  Could this be the end for the Doctor?  the answer is yes.
Deaths: Nick, Sarah, Doctor, Yaz, Dan
Births: one fresh new tardis
Overall Death Rate: 4
Overall Rating: 9
Moral of the Story: Take a peek outside the tardis to make sure you actually landed on that beach you wanted to be at.  Given how often the tardis takes you to a place you absolutely did not want to go, taking this second to ensure you are in a safe place first is quite vital when you are about to put the invincible all powerful tardis into an indeterminant period of dormancy to reboot itself.  After all, you wouldn't want to be stuck somewhere dangerous while the tardis is completely unavailable to help you, not that it ended up really mattering in this particular instance.  rip team doctor.  looks like the daleks finally won

The Doctor, Yaz and Dan run out of their Tardis, confused looks over their faces.

Dan: "do you have a strange sense of deja vu?"

yeah no kidding dan.  this is what like the fiftieth time that the tardis has taken them to a place they clearly weren't expecting to be in.  Suddenly the tardis locks itself up with cool glowing cracks!  Looks like wherever they are they are stuck.  Not sure why but they say something confusing and cryptic about time and go running off to save someone.  who the hell is nick?

okay looks like they landed in some self storage facility
okay that's nick

alright so the building owner is sarah?  and they're having like the most incredibly awkward conversation i've ever heard

sarah's complaining about how she has had to come in for work at 11:52pm on new years eve, in order to deal with customers like Nick, who is a weirdo who goes to a self storage facility to store a monopoly board game at 8 minutes before midnight on new years eve

they keep saying lines and then trailing off in confusion

nick goes off to his storage area to put away that monopoly board game but halfway down the hallway, he realizes something, and turns around and bolts back to the lobby for some reason

meanwhile sarah, having stood around confused in the lobby and had a short, annoyed conversation with her overbearing mom on the phone, also suddenly realizes something, and tries to go out the door but there's a big forcefield blocking it???  Then she takes off bolting to go to the 5th floor, where that prick of an employee, Jeff, stores some of his own stuff
sarah needs a weapon to fight a robot or something?  and she's hoping that some of jeff's stuff on the fifth floor will help her

jeff is a real shitty employee, calling out on new years eve even though he agreed to be there, and this is like the third new years eve in a row that he's done this to Sarah, and he is taking up an entire floor of the self storage facility to store some really weird stuff
like really weird
an entire storage room of taxidermies animals.  useless, no weapons here
the next room
holiday and party supplies just everywhere.  useless
the next room.  shelves and shelves of cans of beans.  what the fuck.  it's just beans.  cans of beans theres gotta be like ten thousand cans of beans in here, neatly stacked on the shelves, all the same flavor
holy fucking shit
the beans

anyway nick has run into the lobby hoping to save sarah, but she's not there.  then oh shit it's a dalek!  a dalek shows up, teleports in there!  somehow nick knew about this dalek ahead of time and was trying to save sarah from it, but, unfortunately for nick, the dalek has some sweet new upgraded gun, it's a chain gun!!  pew pewpewpewe
rest in peace nick

then the robot goes upstairs and catches sarah in the hallway, exiting the bean room!  pewpewpew! and sarah is also dead

meanwhile, the doctor had gone to the hallway on the 2nd floor where nick was, but all they find is the monopoly board on the floor and his bag, but no nick.  still not sure how they know who nick is
then they run to the lobby and now they find nick.  they are too late
then the dalek comes back

the dalek mentions how the main entrance has been forcefield sealed so there is no escape, and that the dalek is seeking revenge for the events of the flux, in which the daleks were destroyed by that thanos dust wave, though the doctor tries to clarify that it was the sontarans who lured the daleks there
no matter, the dalek still wants to kill the doctor and pewpewepepwepwp they are all dead.
welp
shit

Overall Rating:
Villain: a Dalek!  These angry little robots like to shout mean words and call you inferior!  They have an awesome new gun now that can fire multiple rapid fire lasers that are each just as deadly as your standard dalek laser!  Watch out!
Deaths: Nick, Sarah, Doctor, Yaz, Dan
Births: none
Overall Death Rate: 5
Overall Rating: 8
Moral of the Story: Honestly not sure what they could have done different in this one.  I might have commented about looking outside the tardis to ensure you were in the right place, but like, that's probably what they were doing when they were exiting the tardis all confused in the first place.  It's not like they could have known it would lock behind them with glowy cracks and stuff.  still not sure what the deal with that was.  Also like, daleks are really dangerous, them surviving daleks all this time has always been due to really good luck or something but this time they were completely unprotected and were pretty much screwed.  something like this was bound to happen eventually.  rest in peace.
[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]


honestly i was just as confused as the characters were in this episode.  they kept acting on knowledge that i don't know where they got that knowledge from
like team doctor already knew about nick and sarah and the dalek, and nick and sarah were confused at first but gradually seemed to realize that a dalek was about to attack them somehow.  honestly i guess we'll never find out the answer to these plot holes cause doctor who is over now.  it's been fun writing these reviews everyone!!!

Wow it seems this episode is starting in media res, cause the Doctor, Yaz, and Dan run right out of the tardis and start running off somewhere.  The tardis locked itself with glowing cracks and they are in some building?  and team doctor seem like they already know where they are and where they need to go cause they aren't wasting any time.

Meanwhile, it seems the building owner, Sarah, and a customer, Nick (this place is a self-storage facility), are also running around.  They run into each other in a hallway and they start talking with each other. Apparently some robot has been attacking and they've died twice already.  (what, like a time loop?) 

Nick says that on the second time, he ran to the lobby to save her, and askes if on the second time, she had run to this hallway to save him, and she says yes.  no reason not to believe her.  that's kinda sweet to be honest.  them both running to save each other and then missing each other.  too bad we didn't see it. 

 Then team doctor runs up and introduces themselves as 'building inspectors'  Team doctor has also died twice.  Despite the clear danger that they are in, Sarah and Nick still steal the show, Sarah making very apparent her annoyance with what is going on and blaming the robot (a dalek apparently) on the Doctor.

The dalek comes in and starts shooting, but luckily they manage to duck into the storage room in time and lock themselves in there.
Fortunately, it seems a metal door is more than a match for a dalek, since now they are afforded a few minutes to form a plan

we see whats in this storage room and wow, Nick is a weirdo.  this entire BIG room is filled with shelves of just random stuff, each labeled with a name and a date.
apparently each of these random things, random books, monopoly board game, just absolute junk, these all belong to various of Nick's VAST number of ex-girlfriends, and he stores them just in case they ever call asking for their stuff back.  noble but honestly kinda weird and also holy shit that is a LOT of ex-girlfriends

Sarah berates Nick for being the kind of weirdo who comes in to a self storage facility, HER self storage facility, 7 minutes before midnight, on NEW YEARS EVE, to store junk that, if we're being honest, those girls don't want this junk back.  just throw stuff away like a normal person.  if it wasn't for people like jeff, the prick employee who is supposed to be working this evening instead of her, and nick, the weirdo customer who is making her be at work at 11:53 on new years eve, she wouldn't be here, in this situation, in this time loop, with killer robots running around

The doctor clarifies that a dalek isn't a robot, it is basically a mini-tank piloted by an angry gooey alien. 

Meanwhile, Nick is upset at everyone calling him a weirdo and runs back to the hallway to try to bargain with the dalek: he'll sacrifice himself if the dalek lets the others live.  Dalek has a better idea: he dies and so do the rest.  pewpewpewpewpew.  rip.

The doctor would like to know if there's anything useful that could possibly help.  useful, not like the trash nick keeps.  Sarah says that jeff keeps a lot of stuff on the fifth floor, so the doctor says that on the next loop, all of them should meet up there on the fifth floor and see if theres something they can use.  Then the dalek has finally blasted down the door and broken into the room, and pewpewpew they are all dead.

welp.  shit.
hey at least they're in a time loop, apparently?  it's pretty weird though.  Starting the episode in media res, on the third loop of a time loop, and then putting in a ton of exposition and then just ending the episode without showing any other loops??
so confusing.  this episode wasn't even 45 minutes long.  How does this get resolved?  This isn't a two parter ??  i don't get what's happening.

[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]


Overall Rating:
Villain: a Dalek!  These angry robots are actually angry aliens piloting a rather rigid slidey saltshaker of a mecha, armed with a deadly chaingun, a powerful improvement over the standard daleks that have been in the show over the years.  Now they can fire multiple rapid bursts of deadly lasers, strong enough to instantly kill a person and also weak enough that it requires several minutes of constant bombardment to melt through a thin metal door.
Deaths: Nick, Sarah, Doctor, Yaz, Dan
Births: none
Overall Death Rate: 5
Overall Rating: 7
Moral of the Story: There's just so little to go off of.  they're in a time loop?  but we only get to see one loop and they die?  how about a moral of the story for the writers!  do better?  maybe?

So this is the new years eve special for 2021/2022! 
We start off introduced to a woman named Sarah who owns a self storage facility.  Her phone is constantly bombarded with texts and she seems very stressed cause she is sprinting from her lobby and into the elevator so she can get to the second floor. 

apparently there's a customer there, Nick, who is apparently the kind of weirdo who is coming to a self-storage facility 6 minutes before new years eve. 
Sarah tells Nick that the front door has been forcefielded shut but there's another exit in the basement and they gotta go

"what about those other guys?" nick asks, and sarah says that she doesn't care about them, it's their fault they are in this mess to begin with.  not sure what that's about but off they go

meanwhile, it looks like yaz and dan and the doctor have arrived, and they are in this same building and they are heading up to the 5th floor

not sure yet what they are looking for, but the doctor is worried because her sonic screwdriver is detecting traces of two daleks in the building. 

Dan stops the elevator they are in, and gets out in the lobby, assuring them that it will be alright.  he's going to buy them time.  He does an little dance around the dalek , who cannot rotate fast enough to shoot him, but eventually he gets blasted by the dalek's new rotary chaingun-like gun.  damn.  an honorable way to go but yeesh still kinda underwhelming.  rip dan...

meanwhile the doctor and yaz are searching on the fifth floor for some stuff.  apparently an employee, jeff, just stores his personal stuff here and is taking up an entire floor.  and there is some weird fucking stuff.  taxidermied animals, holiday and party supplies, and an entire room filled with neatly stacked cans of expired beans.  there are thousands of beans in that room.  then in the fourth room, they find a couch and tables and a bed, and basically it seems that jeff is living here.  what a weirdo

in the fifth room there's volatile and explosive chemicals and while extremely dangerous and irresponsible for someone to store like this, quite fortunate for the doctor and yaz cause that could be useful for fighting the daleks.

but before they can actually put any of that to use, the dalek has caught up and guns them down.  welp.  shit.

oh yeah and nick and sarah go to the basement see the tardis which is locked with glowy cracks, they are confused by it but ultimately ignore it. they have a heart to heart while the second dalek stalks them and nick confesses that he knows that jeff is a kind of prick who calls out on new years every year and makes sarah come to work, and he comes on new years in a slightly-creepy attempt to keep her company.  sarah also confesses that 'during the second time, she didn't run to save him, she ran off to find a weapon'  don't know what that's about.  a noodle incident sort of thing?  but she feels guilty about lying to him about that but nick is understanding, but then the dalek finds them and shoots nick!  oh no!!! sarah runs over to the exit door but can't make it in time before she too is shot down.  pewpewpew.

kinda depressing episode.  there's so many unanswered questions, and they all died.  I guess some mysteries are never meant to be solved cause that's the end of doctor who.

[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]


Overall Rating:
Villain: a Dalek!  These angry robots have plagued the doctor who show for decades, and they are now equipped with an enhanced chaingun for firing multiple rapid fire laser blasts in quick succession.  however there is still a matter of aim, and if you can get close to a dalek and run circles around it, it will have difficulty getting you in its sights.
Deaths:  Dan, Doctor, Yaz, Nick, Sarah
Births: none
Overall Death Rate: 5
Overall Rating: 6
Moral of the Story: I really can't think of something for this one.  They all did pretty well for what they had to work with, i guess.  Maybe something about the Dalek should rotate faster, or maybe like, when your mom calls you on new years while daleks are attacking you should ask for help?  obviously that wouldn't help in this scenario but like, generally speaking.  i guess. idk.  she just hung up on her mom.  heck on a more somber note maybe like.  take that phone call to say a sort of grim goodbye.  oof.  what a depressing way for doctor who to end.

So now that the Flux six-parter is over, the next episode is out and it's the new years special!!!  I kinda like what I did last time with a sort of glossary at the beginning, so I will try that.  Even though as, we are about to see, this episode is kinda confusing, so, i'll try my best.  Hopefully it will make the episode not as confusing as it could end up being...

We got the Doctor and Yaz and Dan obviously.  Companions.  They've traveled a lot together, Dan is relatively new but Yaz has been there for several years now.

Sarah is a lady who owns a self storage facility.  She's funny and exasperated and cool
Nick: a customer, who is kind of a weirdo for going to store things at a self-storage facility 5 minutes before new years eve.

Jeff, sarah's employee.  he doesn't actually show up, but he called out on new years eve (for the third year in a row) which is why sarah is at work so late.  Also has a ton of stuff stored on the 5th floor.
Sarah's Mom: she just calls sarah on the phone.  she is somewhat overbearing and silly in the way stereotypical moms can be.

Daleks: the most famous enemy of doctor who.  they are very loud and angry and like to shoot people to death

So Sarah is in the lobby of her facility, and Team Doctor run in to talk to her.  Doctor asks Sarah 'what happened to meeting us on the fifth floor like we agreed' and sarah says she just wanted to escape through the basement and it's the doctor's fault that they are in this mess to begin with

oh yeah i guess uh
they are just in this building and daleks are around and attacking them or something

the doctor clarifies that yes, the daleks are here specifically to kill her, but that they should still follow the plans that the doctor has because the doctor has a plan and it's good

but first the doctor says, "stay here, i'm going to get nick"

nick is out in some hallway and has two daleks, one at either side of him...
they have these chaingun laser guns now but nick ducks and the daleks shoot each other and explode!
the doctor arrives and commends nick on his clever strategy, and brings him back to the lobby

the doctor says that they need to follow her plan to defeat the daleks: Sarah and Nick go straight to the fifth floor and get some volatile chemicals that jeff stores up there, and bring it down to the basement, and also Sarah needs to ask her mom to call 10 seconds before midnight.  Meanwhile, the doctor will set up a bomb that will use the phonecall as a detonate and the chemicals as a payload.  But then before they can actually do that, a dalek shows up and shoots them all down....
welp.
shit.

Overall Rating:
Villain: a Dalek!  Yeah they have a chaingun now.  Pew pew pew pew, shoot really fast now.  Still vulnerable to their own laser blasts though so yeah if you can trick them into shooting each other that will work.
Deaths: Doctor, Yaz, Dan, Sarah, Nick, two Daleks
Births: none
Overall Death Rate: 7
Overall Rating: 5
Moral of the Story: If you and your buddy have surrounded a guy and are about to shoot him, make sure you aren't in the path of each other's attacks, like, in case you miss or something.  basic gun safety.  Make sure only the people that you want to shoot are in the path of your lasers.


[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]

This episode is supposed to be a new years special but honestly it was really short.  Doctor who has done short little shorts before, like, 4 minutes long, a couple minutes long, just short little specials.  But this one was really short and it's....
it's something.

We see some lady in a lobby, who runs up into an elevator, and a Dalek teleports in behind her and shoots the elevator's powerbox, leaving the lady trapped in the elevator.  She doesn't stand a chance as she gets shot several times by the new Dalek laser chaingun.

there's also some guy in a room with some junk when the lights go out... he stumbles around before he too gets shot by daleks

then in a different dark room, we see a Tardis with glowy cracks, and the Doctor, Yaz and Dan standing in front of it.  "oh this isn't good, it will be hard to execute this plan in the dark... they're learning" says the doctor, "stay here while i try to sort stuff out"

the doctor uses her sonic screwdriver as a flashlight and leaves yaz and dan to stand in front of the tardis.

yaz: "i wish she would stop just leaving us like that"

dan: "you really like her don't you... have you told her how you feel"

yaz: "i... don't think i've even told myself."

i knew i was getting those vibes from yaz throughout the entire flux storyline.  yaz totally likes the doctor... like, like likes her.  it was not at all subtle.  was very quite obvious.  practically was spelled out.  doesn't matter now though cause two daleks show up on either side of yaz and dan and shoot them dead.  damn

and then the doctor gets shot too

absolutely brutal

Overall Rating:
Villain: a Dalek!  often touted as the most dangerous monster in the doctor who universe, when the daleks actually use their brains and strategize they can really show it.  Disabling the power to escape routes, cutting the lights.  Team Doctor didn't stand a chance, and the chaingun thing was just brutal.
Deaths: Doctor, Yaz, Dan, some lady, some guy
Births: none
Overall Death Rate: 5
Overall Rating: 4
Moral of the Story: I don't even know what was going on and to be frank I'm not sure if anything could have been done.  Maybe yaz and dan could've ducked?  but like, seriously, that wouldn't have worked, daleks are way too smart to shoot each other in such a ridiculous manner.
That's the end everyone.  Rest in peace doctor who.

They didn't stand a chance.

[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]

So we open up this episode in some basement.  Team Doctor are down there, and somethings happened to the tardis cause it's cracked and glowy, and they sure look troubled.  Doctor says something about how it's getting one minute shorter each time, and that there's only three minutes left until midnight.  this is the new years special, are they really going to cram 45 minutes of material into 3 minutes?  well.  it is a time travel show so i guess we'll see.

Doctor asks Yaz to go fetch Sarah and Nick.  Yaz doesn't want to be separated but Doctor reassures her:  Doctor is aware that yaz is upset about leaving yaz out of plans and constantly leaving to do dangerous things while leaving yaz in the dark about what's really going on, but there's not a lot of time left and it is urgent that sarah and nick get down there.
So yaz goes off and does that while doctor and dan wait and poke around .

Dan: "she really likes you, you know"
Doctor: "yeah?"
Dan: "NO, she, like. LIKE likes you.  "
Doctor: "??"
(the doctor is an alien remember)
anyway that was kinda weird and out of the blue but i'm glad Dan was picking up on those vibes that yaz was giving off throughout the entirety of the flux storyline

then they find boxes near the tardis that are full of fireworks, apparently some guy named Jeff left them here, in an incredibly irresponsible way.

Finally we meet the Sarah and Nick the doctor mentioned earlier, as Yaz comes back with them.  The Doctor informs that she has a new plan to help counteract the counterplans that the daleks have been planning

"Since the daleks are apparently also in the time loop, they are learning what our plan is, so what we should do, is spend the next loop doing the opposite of what our actual plan is, so during the final loop when it will actually matter, we will do our actual plan and they won't know to stop us."

Ohh so they are in a timeloop, alright

"also it's the same plan that we already had, just we need to do the distraction loop first.  the next loop will be two minutes long so we distract them, and then the final loop will be 1 minute long and we do the plan in that one.  I don't know what happens when it reaches midnight so we gotta make it count"

they all agree to the plan.
then the daleks finally arrive
honestly dunno why it took the daleks so long, it was implied that the daleks absolutely wiped the floor with them in a matter of seconds during the last loop, so why don't the daleks just... do the same thing again?

anyway the doctor brags that they have a super special plan to beat the daleks, so the daleks better pay attention during the next loop.  Then they all get exterminated.

so
am i not in the time loop?
is that why i didn't get to see any of the past loops?
how does that work?
wait so i guess i won't see the next loop either.
welp
shit

andrea — Today at 3:28 AM
oh my god timu youve been writing for like four hours

Timu — Today at 3:28 AM
I have?
whoa

Overall Rating:
Villain: Daleks, they have a chain gun now but they are still stupid
Deaths: Doctor, Yaz, Dan, Nick, Sarah
Births: Doctor, Yaz, Dan, Nick, Sarah (for the next time loop)
Overall Death Rate: 0
Overall Rating: 3
Moral of the Story: I think maybe since the Daleks remember the past loops and can teleport at will into specific parts of the building that maybe they should just teleport to the starting positions of everyone immediately and kill them before they can actually do anything.  That might have been what happened during the last loop but I think if it was then they would have just done it again during this loop so i guess not.  Daleks aren't that smart I guess.

How many of these have I written?


[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]

This was a weird episode.  It's a new years eve special and it's really short.  We start at 11:58, two minutes before midnight on new years eve, and there are daleks and everyone is goofing around

there's some guy in a room full of junk, taunting a dalek to shoot all of his stuff (the dalek obliges).  The guy says that it was cathartic seeing the dalek dispose of his ex-girlfriends's stuff, but then he too is killed

there's some lady and honestly i don't remember what she was doing i feel like it's been a whole year since I watched this episode.  get it?  cause it's a new years eve episode aired dec 31st 2021, and now it's 2022, so i haven't seen it since last year?  that's a real funny joke I bet no one has made that one before.  Too bad it's not actually true, I actually watched this episode like half a week later on january 3rd along with part 6 of the flux series.  but.  it still feels like it's been a long time since I watched it so I'm getting foggy on the details.  god it's 3:30am??? how long did i spend writing the flux review??

(edit: oh and turns out the episode aired on january 1st so this joke doesn't even work)

oh and doctor yaz and dan are chilling in some room that has a bed and a couch and tables and they're just hanging out, laughing and taunting.  "alright, right after this is the big one so get ready"  they brace themselves as the dalek mows them down with its fancy new chaingun laser thing.  probably got it for christmas.

Honestly I'm not sure if I should be taking this episode seriously.  It was so short and like, everyone just seemed to be having a good time and, then they just died.  Clearly like a comic-relief episode.  Maybe an april fool's day special.  But it's the wrong day of the year for that.  a really clever april fool's day prank would be to do the prank on a different way, but, that just sort of feels against the spirit of april fool's day, and just, makes it a regular boring prank.  oh well.  i gotta take a shit
(cause i've been sitting here for so long)

Overall Rating:
Villain: a Dalek!  they're just some funny guys who like to shoot people.  imagine if they gave real daleks a chain gun.  that would be so silly and corny, i glad they didn't use that in a real episode.  what a goof.
Deaths: some guy, some girl, Doctor, Yaz, Dan
Births: none
Overall Death Rate: 5
Overall Rating: 2
Moral of the Story: Keep better track of time.  like seriously what happened to the last four hours of my life??  i feel like i'm forgetting something.

[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]

HOLY CRAP RUN RUN RUN!!!

SOME LADY RUNS UP THE STAIRS
THERES AN ELEVATOR BUT FUCK THAT

THERES DALEKS SHOOTING LASERS ALL OVER THE PLACE
HOLY SHIT CHAINGUN LASERS!??!
THEY CANT AIM FOR SHIT
SO MANY LASERS HOW ARE NONE OF THEM CONNECTING

SOME GUY TOO
RUNS UP THE STAIRS

MORE DALEKS
MISSING EVERY SHOT

LADY GETS A CALL ON HER PHONE
ITS HER MOM

"HEY MOM SHUT Up CALL me in 10 seconds before midnight"
"what so like, 40 seconds from now?"
"yea okay bye" and she hangs up

the guy and the girl both arrive at the same time to this room full of like chemicals and shit?  they grab like, a shit ton of stuff and boxes and leave and go to the elevator and head down to the basement

meanwhile, the daleks haven't caught up yet?
it's the doctor!!
the doctor has used the sonic screwdriver to place false life signals in the wrong parts of the buildings so that the daleks are going to the wrong places!!

they all get to the basement!

fireworks!! already in a pile!
chemicals!  onto the pile!
phone!  onto the pile!

sonic screwdriver turns out the lights!!!

daleks:  DARKNESS DETECTED NIGHT VISION MODE ACTIVATED ERROR THE DOCTOR HAS INTERFERED WITH OUR DARK VISION

wow that's a powerful sonic screwdriver, capable of doing all sorts of things to the daleks
why not just jam their guns
oh well!

everyone out the back door!!!

daleks!  can't see well!  find pile!!!

phone rings: "hey daughter it's me, your mom who is calling you 10 seconds before midnight, like you asked me to do 40 seconds ago'

daleks: human detected speaking from that pile, exterminate!

daleks shoot the pile of fireworks and chemicals and the building fucking collapses and gives a beautiful firework display!!!!!

wow!!! how lovely!!!

the mom somewhere, probably: 'holy shit daughter are you okay it sounds like you got shot by lasers, exploded by a million fireworks and had a 6 story building collapse on you!  daughter?  hello?  daughter?  oh god?  happy new years by the way! daughter?  hello?  you alright?"

how the hell did they do all that running and dodging in 60 seconds!??!!

holy fuck they ran from ground floor to the 5th floor to the basement in 50 seconds??

what the hell is going on

what the fuck
is that fucking
Karl from the tooth fairy episode 3 years ago
it is

it's fucking karl from the tooth fairy episode 3 years ago

you know
karl

"that's a nice firework display"
it is a nice firework display

you are very lucky to be witnessing this firework display from far away, unaware of what is going on where this firework display is
well
nice seeing you karl
very strange seeing you again
i totally definitely recognized you and definitely absolutely knew who you are without looking at the doctor who wiki
it's due to the fact that i recognized you as having been in that tooth fairy episode 3 years ago that i knew you were karl from the tooth fairy episode

Otherwise I might have assumed you were just some random passerby who had a name like jeff or something,
Or maybe someone who actually was related, like perhaps the person who stored those fireworks in that building in the first place, and the dramatic irony is that they don't realize that it's their fireworks that are exploding and that also all their other things in that building are now also destroyed. 

But it isn't that, it's just karl!

golly
what the heck was even going on in this episode

them all rushing around everywhere
no explanation

why were there daleks there

how were they able to do everything so fast

how come the daleks, famous for being incredibly powerful and durable able to be defeated by a few measly hundreds of fireworks and a mere 6 story building falling on them and maybe some chemicals?  like i feel like the daleks from the past would have been completely unphased by something like that but apparently those daleks are fucking dead

the guy and the girl go off to travel the world together
team doctor go into the tardis which looks all renovated and stuff for some reason 
karl continues to not matter

very interesting episode
hope she called her mom back


[img=https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/695482620573777940/927859262963732552/unknown.png]


Overall Rating:
Villain: Daleks!  These soft squishy tentacle monsters like to live inside a little robot and drive around shouting mean things at people and shooting lasers!  now that they have a chain gun, they can shoot so many more lasers in a short amount of time.  you'd think this may help but the spread is crazy and the aiming is terrible.  maybe you should go back to your old laser gun?  You were a lot better at hitting targets back then.
Deaths: like three or four daleks?  maybe five?
Births: one new tardis!
Overall Death Rate: 2-4
Overall Rating: 1.... Happy New Years!
Moral of the Story: too be honest i don't think there was much that could be done.  Team Doctor really knocked it out of the park, the daleks didn't stand a chance.  maybe if the daleks had better aim but like, idk if that's a fault of bad decision-making, except maybe not practicing or going to aiming school beforehand.  Honestly, if your opponents are apparently capable of running at ridiculous speeds and also using a sonic screwdriver to mess with your senses, I don't think you stand a chance. 

Good work Team Doctor, you won so fast I don't even know the context behind anything that happened in this episode.  Especially karl.  That was quite an interesting cameo.

shoutout to karl, the cameo no one expected, but the cameo we needed

oh yeah also the time loop was caused by the tardis resetting.
you thought i didn't know about the time loop

but it was a trick, i deceived you

I did know about the time loop.
I knew about the time loop the entire time, i was just pretending that i didn't know, and you believed me
the wool was pulled over your eyes

Timu — Today at 10:19 PM
hewwo
today in doctor who it's 1807 in a little fishing village in china
it's a dark and stormy afternoon and this famous pirate lady has come to hit a statue with a rock

"oh no!  i must stop her!" says the wise guardian father, "son, if i die, the duty that has been passed through generations of guarding that statue will be passed to you.  okie off i go to stop that lady from hitting that statue-"

then the lady bonks the statue and unleashes the bad guy
wise guardian father: darn i should have left a little earlier, i am too late and also i am dead now
the bad guy kills everyone in the village except for the father's son (Ying Ki) and the lady pirate (Madam Ching)

the bad guy is a sea devil, a muppet-looking fellow



hmmm
yes
i shall name him Subscribe
as he is labeled by the picture

this episode seems a little strangely put together
for example there is the seen where the son is confronting the pirate over the death of his father
and then suddenly the doctor and her friends are there
they weren't shown running to the area from elsewhere
they are just there
and then suddenly in the next scene the pirate lady is already back on her boat, sailing off with the piece of the statue that she broke off so she can track down the ancient lost treasure

and the son is like 'i'm gonna swim alll the way to that boat and avenge by father'
and dan says 'well i guess i will come with you'
and they both swim all that way
damn
very impressive

meanwhile the doctor and yaz go into the tardis to go back in time.  pirate lady is trying to find an ancient treasure that was lost when a ship disappeared in 1533, so they go to 1533 so they can find out where the ship is that way
they find out that the ship gets sunk by Subscribe
and so they go back to 1807 and the tardis gets eaten by Subscribe's pet kraken

the doctor and yaz are 'taken prisoner' by subscribe, which means that they are given a tour of Subscribe's evil lair and they aren't like, tied up or anything, or held under guard, or disarmed or anything
the 1533 boat captain (Ji-Hun)  has been kept alive this whole time by Subscribe as punishment for defying the sea devils
there was a Chaos Topaz amongst that ancient treasure, and the sea devils wanted it to destroy the world
but Ji-Hun had his first mate take the chaos topaz and run away
and then the sea devils actually took Ji-Hun's ship and fitted it out with cool rocket boosters because why not
Subscribe chased First Mate to the fishing village, but First Mate used the chaos topaz to turn Subscribe into a statue, and then the next several generations duty was passed down to guard the statue and the chaos topaz

andrea — Today at 10:38 PM
chaos topaz?? like sonic????

Timu — Today at 10:38 PM
yeah!
no
every other fictional media has a rock with special powers so why not call it a chaos emerald
it's just an orange glowy pebble
in this case
it can turn things into statues and also destroy earth
that's all no big deal

since now the village father's son (Ying Ki) has the rock which is a family heirloom necklace, is on pirate boat with Dan (it's Dan) and Madam Ching (who is a famous historical figure pirate queen Zheng Yi Sao, also known as Zheng Shih or Madam Ching)

Subscribe goes and attacks them and successfully steals the Chaos Emerald
super easily
cause subscribe owns a teleporter
so he just teleports in and grabs the thingy and leaves
good job!

Subscribe put the  chaos emerald into his science blender thing and so earth is gonna be destroyed!

fortunately, Doctor, Yaz and Ji-Hun, managed to escape off screen and they all have a fun pirate battle with regular swords vs science swords and swashbuckling and all that

and then the doctor goes to the earth destroying machine and unplugs it, but someone has to stay behind and sacrifice themself
so Ji-Hun says I'll do it, i'm from 1533 and it's 1807, everyone I know is dead so it's fine
and the doctor says thanks!  you're a real hero!

and so they all leave and Ji-Hun and all the Sea Devils all get squished up as the earth-destroying machine collapses in on itself like a little tiny baby blackhole

Dan calls his not-girlfriend and she seems interested in maybe trying a relationship again
Ying Ki joins Madam Ching's pirate crew, and she also goes to rescue her children from the ocean police, (that's why she was looking for the treasure in the first place, to pay the ransom, her kids were hostages)
The Doctor tells Yaz that she sorta reciprocates Yaz's romantic feelings for her but it's like weird and complicated cause yaz is a human and the doctor is a doctor
and Subscribe's pet Kraken is like, still out there?  or more like was just sucked into the miniblackhole thing?  they never mentioned it again
so idk

Oh yeah, that was the Easter Special
very holiday fitting
the next episode is supposed to come out in 'fall 2022'
featuring every single character that has ever been in doctor who ever!  every single one! everyone is here!  everyone is back!  every past companion!  every past villain!  every past character!  the hundreds of random citizens that have been in the background in the thousands of scenes across the entire show?  they're all back!  They're here!  Coming soon!  the fourth of july special!  this fall!  Doctor Who Episode 300!  Even I'm in it, me timu!  Doctor Who Labour Day special, "The End of the Doctor" find out next time!
I signed an NDA (a no-dishonesty agreement) so you know I'm telling the truth!
i never lie!

Overall Rating:

Villain: Subscribe!  This guy and his pirate crew of prehistoric fishpeople love to fly around over the sea, terrorizing sailors and fishermen!  Armed with swords that replaces your blood with poison, and cool teleporter special effects that turn you into green mist, nothing can stand in the way of these dastardly sea devils in their quest to flood the entire planet with the power of the Chaos Emerald!!!  Make sure to like, comment and share this apocalypse with all your friends, and melt the polar ice caps on that subscribe button!  Ring that bell to get notifications on your phone and thank you to BBC for sponsoring this episode of Doctor Who.

Deaths: i dunno like ten villagers, that guy's dad, there was some random fisherman who got eaten by the kraken, maybe one or two guys from the 1645 boat didn't manage to escape, maybe like 20 sea devils, Ji-Hun sucked into the miniblackhole, along with the kraken probably.  let's go with 35.
Births: Madam Ching has two sons, a 6year old and a 3 year old son.  and how many generations between 1533 and 1807 was Ying Ki's family?  at least two.  so lets go with 4.
Overall Death Rate: 31 people.  274 years between 1533 and 1807.  31/274 means the death rate is 0.11313868613 deaths per year.  finally, a real actual death rate.

Moral of the Story: when you take some people prisoner, don't give them a tour of your evil home base.  make sure you disarm them and keep them under guard and stuff so they don't mess with your controls have an opportunity to escape, kill your men and mess with your plans.  meh

Overall Rating:
Egg/10

egg out of 10 for easter
it was an average episode

Pharmacy — Today at 11:24 PM
Decent meal episode

****** — Today at 12:48 AM
congrats on ur big break into the bbc timu! looking forward to the next doc whomst posting from inside the episode

Timu — Today at 1:17 AM
thanjku

Good morning. Today is october 31st of 2022. Exactly 60 years ago on November 23rd 1963, Doctor Who aired its first episode. 59 years a big occasion so for this year's 60th Anniversary Special we're doing a halloween special
yeah despite what i first thought, the 60th anniversary special is NEXT year, and for now we're just having some specials leading up to that.
so even though this isn't THE 60th anniversary special, it's like. part of it. so there's lots of old actors coming back to this one too, and i'm in it also

anyway, By now it should be clear the standard format of many doctor who episodes is that we start off in media res and show a bunch of mysterious things and then see how it all fits together
our episode begins with cybermen attacking a HIGH speed space train! this isn't a jolly old chug chug train that is in space like that one from a few seasons ago, this is a FAST AS FUCK BULLET TRAIN that is in.... hyperwormhole tunnel space
but these aren't ordinary cybermen- they're the Regenerating Cybermen from the season finale a couple seasons back
those guys were created by the Master, but they all blew up and died permanently
anyway they are attacking this train because on board the train is a little girl, and they kidnap the girl!
Team Doctor and Timu showed up to try to stop them but fail. in the process Dan gets shot in the face (luckily he was wearing a space suit with a helmet) and almost dies and decides to go home and stop adventuring and go back to a more mundane life that won't kill him. he departs at the start of the episode instead of the end. weird! but okay. reasonable.


Having said goodbye to Dan and Timu, Team Doctor resume the chase to rescue that little girl the cybermen kidnapped. Doctor, Yaz and Timu arrive on a cyberplanet in 1916, parked up next to Earth. Turns out the little girl was actually just an alien disguised as a little girl, and that disguise goes away immediately, so the whole disguise thing was completely pointless except to maybe make us think the cybermen had kidnapped a random girl for 5 minutes.
the alien is actually a giant jellyfish made out of energy, and it's powering up the cyberplanet. this cyberplanet is like a cyber deathstar capable of cyberconverting anything. plants, animals, humans, rocks, with just their cyberconversion cyberdeathstar cyberlaser
and rasputin, the russian guy in 1916, is actually The Master!

Meanwhile in 2022, ace and tegan and timu, three past companions of the doctor from the classic doctor who era, are back and relevant again
Theyve noticed three things- a bunch of famous paintings have disappeared, a bunch of seimsoligists have disappeared, and tegan received a little cyberman action figure in the mail

Thats actually all the setup mystery done!
Here's how it resolves

The paintings were stolen so the master could Photoshop himself into them. No other reason. Just for fun

The seismologists were kidnapped because the master sent a bunch of daleks to a volcano to build a volcano erupting machine. He didnt need to kidnap the seismologists to do this. He just kidnapped then and killed them for fun

The cyberman action figure is actually a cyberman that was shrunken, and that cyberman has a portal filled with more cybermen in it. The master did this to sneak a bunch of cybermen into the UNIT building to take it over. He doesnt need to take over the UNIT building. So this was basically also just for fun

The master having a cyberplanet and being rasputin in 1916 also doesnt have a purpose

In the end it seems like the only relevant part of the masters plan that actually matters and has an effect is the dalek volcano stuff

Anyway, the doctor and timu goes to the volcano to try to learn the weakness of the dalek from Traitor Dalek, a dalek who genuinely wanted to join the doctor's side, but the other daleks show up and immediately kill traitor dalek and timu and kidnap doctor and timu

Now that the master and timu have captured the doctor, they use the energy harvested from energy alien to force the doctor to regenerate into the master!!!!
And the master plays the Ra Ra Rasputin song during this. For fun.
That song wouldnt have worked if the master hadnt been rasputin so i guess that stuff was... Useful, but only to have more fun!

Now that the master has essential stolen the doctors body, he goes to spread chaos and destruction and tarnish the name of the doctor
But yaz and vinder (the guy from last season) beat the master up with fists and guns and set the forced regeneration machine in reverse

Then ace and graham (the guy from last last season) beat up all the daleks at the volcano
But all the volcanoes blow up anyway so nothing ace and graham did matters
Oh no all the volcanoes on earth are going to explode, but the doctor directs the cyberdeathstar's cyberconversionbeams on the volcanoes to turn the deadly magma and lava into harmless steel statues

And tegan and kate ( the boss of unit) blow up the unit building and all the cybermen
But the cybermen and unit building were completely unnecessary for the masters plan anyway so like whatever i guess

All thats left is to set the energy alien free
But first the doctor asks it to destroy the cyberdeathstar first
It obliges
Then the master shows up. Hes dying, having been forced out of the doctors body and back into his old one
But he's just strong enough to say mean things and press a button on his remote, which somehow causes the energy alien to accidentally swipe its cyberplanet-destroying laser across the doctor and timu
Timu carries the doctor inside the tardis as the cyberplanet collapses and kills the master permanently forever and the energy alien flies off back home

The doctor dies and the spends ten minutes saying goodbye to everyone, surrounded by all of her friends and past companions and timu but not dan (it's dan!) before going off alone to finish dying

All these past companions and even more past companions all gather together in a final scene
They formed a sort of alcoholics anonymous sort of thing
Whovians anonymous, where they can all tell each other about their adventures with the superwholock fandom
And timu

And in a final scene, the doctor has PARKED the tardis
All the other season premiers have the tardis crashing out of the sky as a just-regenerated doctor drunk-drives it
The doctor has learned and safely parked the tardis on the edge of a nice beautiful scenic cliffside
And the regenerates
Into the fourteenth doctor
The end

Also the fourteen doctor is played by david tennant who coincidentally played the tenth doctor
Not the first time the same actor has played two completely different roles in different seasons of doctor who, first as a random extra and then a couple years later as an important character. This was the case with amy and the 12th doctor and now the 14th doctor also


spooKíeros — Yesterday at 9:37 PM
https://twitter.com/poppetsisters/status/1584919706422616065
The Poppet Sisters (1/3) (@poppetsisters)
Doctor: You’ve been in a coma since 2009.
Patient: I can’t wait to watch Doctor Who starring David Tennant!
Twitter•Yesterday at 10:47 AM


Timu — Yesterday at 9:38 PM
Hahhrhehhshfdhahaha


Some other things i didnt mention, a bunch of past doctors also showed up, either as memories in the sort of regeneration-afterlife-mindscape the doctor was in while dead, or as helpful holograms that exist to help people while the doctor is dead
And also the cyberplanet was never used to convert anything except those volcanoes
It was never used or was going to be used by the enemy to do evil
So it was just there
(for fun)


Overall Review:
Main Villain: The Master and Timu

Births: three holodoctors, one masterdoctor, one degeneration doctor, one master, one fourteenth doctor, a handful of cybermen, a few dozen cyberregenerations, a bunch of cybervolcanoes, ashad and Timu

Deaths: three holodoctors, one masterdoctor, one thirteenth doctor, one degeneration doctor, two masters, one traitor dalek, a dozen seismologists, a building full of soldiers and cybermen, ashad, like a dozen cyberlords, like twenty daleks, some train people, every volcano and timu

Total birthrate: like a hundred humans and all the bad guys (dead. Its a deathrate)

Moral of the Story: its alright to spend forty minutes doing completely pointless things that have no impact on your plan because... Those things are fun! Instead of insulting that mess any further the lesson to be learned here is to uh... Not underestimate the power of people physically beating you up with their fists and guns

Overall Rating: 59/10 and Timu

previously on doctor who:
the year is 2008 and it's the fourth season of doctor who, starring the 10th Doctor as the doctor and Donna as the companion.
Donna accidently mindmelds with the Doctor giving her the doctor's memories, but that's too many memories for a human mind so she's gonna explode unless the doctor blocks those memories.

effectively, donna has forgotten all about the doctor who and her adventures, and if she ever remembers it, she'll die.
Donna goes back to an ordinary life (or, from her point of view, just continued to have an ordinary life).  her mom and grandfather know about the doctor and about what happens if she remembers.  Donna gets married, and at the wedding the doctor gives her mom a winning lottery ticket as a wedding gift

Now, 15 years later, the 13th doctor has regenerated into the 14th doctor, who has the same face, personality, voice and actor as the 10th doctor, and Donna and her entire family (including the husband who only showed up for like two seconds) are all having their actors reprising their roles!  and a new addition: Donna's 15 year old daughter.  some dialogue subtly hints that the daughter is trans, and she is trans, and if it weren't for the dialogue no one would have known*.  everyone rightfully treats her like any regular teenage girl and i think that's great.  A+ portrayal, good job.

*asterisk

------

anyway, the episode begins with the tardis parking itself next to Donna.  Fortunately, just seeing the Doctor's face isn't enough to suddenly bring back all those deadly memories.  From her perspective, she's just meeting a slightly familiar weirdo for the first time.  Throughout the episode there are many comedic moments where the Doctor and her mom are trying to keep Donna from remembering aliens and stuff.  Comedy is great.  love comedy.  Good job

Anyway, a spaceship suddenly crashes nearby, and the UNIT army comes in to secure the scene.  an escape pod has landed in Donna's neighborhood, and yoda is in it:

ALF is being hunted by the alien insect warriors, and hides with Donna's daughter, who is named Rose.  Meanwhile, The UNIT soldiers are investigating ET's spaceship, and suddenly get mindcontrolled by it!  Perhaps I would have criticized these guys for getting mindcontrolled so easily, but I don't think there's anything they could have done to protect themselves besides just not going up to the spaceship, but they gotta do that since they are earth's first line of defence against potential alien threats.  so good job UNIT!  you did your best.  I do not blame you for anything.

The mindcontrolled guys go off to help protect Dobby, and a big firefight erupts between them and the Insects, right in Donna's living room.  the Doctor and Baby Groot and the Donna family make their escape!

Once clear of the danger, the Doctor declares a zone for peace talks, where the Insects reveal that that Wall-E is actually evil!  Dropping the Meep's adorable facade, the Meep pulls out the Meep's gun and starts blasting away and destroying london with the Meep's spaceship's murder engine.  chasms of fire erupt throughout london, but everything will be fine as long as the Doctor can stop the countdown in time!

But he can't do it!  an inconvenient glass wall seperates the two halves of the technobabble control room, with the Doctor on one side and Donna on the other!  The Doctor can only access one half of the required buttons needed to stop the Meep!    The Doctor says that there is a way to save London, but it will cost Donna's life.  She's okay with that.

Doctor recites the last words she said before she lost her memories 15 years ago, and she remembers everything- all the locked away Doctor memories and thus she remembers how to technobabble the technobabble chamber and put the technobabbly in reverse!

all the chasms of fire close up perfectly like they were never there at all.  it's silly.  Silly is good.  i love when Doctor who doesn't take itself seriously.  Good job!
The Meep is captured and the Insects take the Meep off to space prison.

-------
But Donna is still dying- though slower than expected.  Turns out her daughter inherited some of those repressed memories through the power of genetics.  So they are both dying but slower.  how is the doctor going to save them? 

then they say "actually we have a solution to this problem.  you as a male presenting doctor would never have thought of this, but since we are women we have this brilliant solution to the memories clogging up our human brains.  we are just going to let them go.  and then they do that and its fine and its wwhat?? what the fuck??? is this supposed to be feminism?? what the fuck just happened???
bad job.  i think that was weird.

and another gripe i have with this episode is that, while Rose's portrayal and treatment as just a regular girl who happens to be trans was Great!... but then at the end they kinda bungled the whole thing.

I'm sure this wasn't the intention but I know that it can be easily interpreted that Rose is trans BECAUSE of the subconscious mindmeldy stuff.  That's not good.  people who already find transgender stuff to be a sorta 'alien concept' will just have that sort of reinforced?  oops.

a good take I saw though is that the time lord memories just contributed to Rose's name (she knows that Rose is a name that is loved) and her etsy shop hobby (she makes plushies that resemble aliens that the doctor encountered) and that's about it.  Supplementing her identity without just being her identity.  With this in mind, good job, though i wish the episode itself reinforced this idea more. 

This episode kinda tried to be 'woke' and feminist and that sort of stuff but at the end kinda did it in a way that made 'nonbinary rights!' and "girl power" sort of stuff like, a magical thing that you can use to save the world and have superpowers or something, and not just being a thing that should be a fact of life.  Just stick to how you portrayed Rose in the first 90% of the episode, just a girl who deserves to be treated like a girl- without the asterisk in the last 10% of the episode where "being nonbinary is a superpower".  it's not, it's not realistic to portray it as such.  gender stuff is a part of life for many people.  it is a fact, it exists.  and superpowers don't exist.  by making nonbinary the superpower, you are accidentally portraying nonbinary as a thing that just doesn't exist. 

Rose can be nonbinary AND have superpowers, and that's how it should have been.  This episode did great at the start but ended with a sorta tonedeaf swing-and-a-miss.  that's my take.  they could have done better.
------

Overall Review:

Main Villain: The Meep

Births: the DoctorDonna and the DoctorRose (the terms used to refer to them when they have the time lord memories)

Deaths: the DoctorDonna and the DoctorRose, two Insect Aliens, a bunch of UNIT soldiers

Total Birthrate: negative two and a bunch

Moral of the Story: Looks can be deceiving!  Maybe that cute animatronic sitcom alien is actually a The Meep!

Overall Rating: 8/10. Honestly pretty good.  Had its faults but it had mostly positives.  I love comedy and that's what the bulk of this episode was. 

In my summaries, I only talk about things I could make fun of or complain about, and talk about major plotpoints (and oops, minor plotpoints too, I'm a very rambler,), so I'm not going to go into the minutiae of all the fun little moments that make up 90% of this  episode.  so 8/10 is a Genuine rating. 

Overall Rating: 8/10. would probably consider watching it again in a few years if i feel like rewatching some episodes

Good morning everyone! Doctor who spoilers time!

On this weeks episode of doctor who.... Donna and the Doctor get scared and frightened by aliens but they manage to escape in the end. It's a good episode. the plot isn't convoluted. The main villain is scary and cool. There is funny jokes. There is goofy silly moments. there is mystery. there are emotional character moments. the setting is neat. There's nothing really going on in this episode for me to make fun of. Sometimes simple is better and they honestly nailed it this time.

Still i fell like i SHOULD like, actually say some stuff about this episode so here's some fun facts!

-We run into Isaac Newton when he is coming up with the Theory of Mavity (you know, when he is getting hit in the head with an apple!). Donna and the Doctor make a funny pun joke about 'mavity' and Isaac Newton (who probably correctly hears them) thinks that 'mavity' is a wonderful word. and so that's where the word mavity came from. Bootstrap paradoxes are fun! It was cool to see a cameo from Isaac Newton! But you gotta be careful when interacting with historical figures, so I'm glad they didn't accidentally alter history! Something could have easily gone wrong!

-You know those quotes from doctor who that really help reinvoke the fear you feel when watching episodes, due to their strong association with the scariness? I'm talking about quotes like "Are You My Mummy?" and "Don't Blink." and "Hey! Who Turned Out All The Lights?!" Now introducing... "My arms Are Too Long"


-the invincible all powerful tardis is exploded REALLY badly by accidental spill of coffee on the controls. Fortunately, the Doctor is able to turn it off and on again. Unfortunately, the long disabled 'run away if danger is detected' setting is reactivated, and the Tardis runs away. Fortunately, upon detecting that the monsters are about to be defeated, the Tardis returns! Unfortunately, the monsters are ABOUT to be defeated, so they aren't defeated yet but ... it worked out it's fine

-stuff from the 13th doctor era was mentioned, Timeless Child, Flux. Big things that had large lore-implications, but the episodes that portrayed them just weren't good enough to make me remember more than the most basic details about them. Fortunately, the Doctor remembers it so that I don't have to.

Overall Review:
Main Villain: long arm people
Births: long arm people
deaths: long arm people, alien pilot, alien robot
Total Birthrate: -1 alien pilot and -1 alien robot
Moral of the Story: try not to spill coffee. easier said than done though. Oh also, did you know that something continues to exist even when you aren't looking at it? this is known as object permanence.
Overall Rating: 9.9/10. I liked this episode so much

today in doctor who:

the year is 1925 and they have invented the television.  the very first image to be broadcast is of course a puppet getting its face melted off by studio lights.  i assume this is just a thing that happened in real life.

unfortunately, the toymaker, an omnipotent godbeing who exists beyond the universe and for whom physics and matter and energy are meaningless, gave that puppet a soul, and thus its insane giggling from the television recording is now imprinted in every television screen, forever.  phone screen.  computer screen.  every screen.  because the first television screen had a cursed puppet on it.  even though the manufacturing of any screen has nothing at all to do with what happens to the first screen.  also all these screens have the giggle sound even though that should be associated with speakers and not all screens have speakers attached to them.


then,  in 2023 the super tv satellite has gone up,  the one able to connect internet and tv to literally anywhere on earth.  specifically because wifi is now global and is able to affect all humans, everyone is going insane.  wait i thought the giggle was on the screens, not the wifi signals?  and no one went insane before this point, just only right at that time?

anyway, this allows the tv screen giggle to affect all people's brain to become violent and irrational (and more so if they already were).  in fact, if you overlap the brainwave pattern associated with this mental madness and the musical notation of the cursed giggle, youll find that they match perfectly.  and no one figured this out for 2 days until donna figures it out two seconds after looking at all the info
im choosing to think of this as the toymaker altering the way logic would apply here, rather than choosing to think of this as dumb.  no one really questions it, and i barely questioned it until i thought about it some.  however, everyone stops being crazy the moment the toymaker is banished back to the playtime universe so, yeah, convoluted but within reason for the toymaker's powers
the dude is literally here to have fun.  and honestly, so am i and i am having fun! the point is to be silly and illogical, so yeah!  i like it !
yeah, thinking of it like that, im glad the show managed to embrace the absurdity that is standard for the show, and even make it a plot point kinda!

anyway... so how did the doctor beat the toymaster this time?  so first the toymaster murders the doctor with a laser, but instead of regenerating like normal, the next doctor, doctor #15 pops out of him like an amoeba dividing, while the other half remains unchanged as #14.  they say " oh! bigeneration!  i thought that was just a myth!" and immediately move on. 
meanwhile in 1950 when the 1st doctor regenerated into the 2nd doctor...
fans of the show "wtf?? regeneration?  he just turns into a different guy?  he could just do that this whole time?"  so that reflects how i think about bigeneration and im choosing to get over it now because, honestly, why not.  maybe they'll explain it more later.  maybe not.  but for now, sure okay bigeneration is a pleasant surprise because now there are two doctors
so while the toymaker doesn't necessarily follow the rules of physics, he follows the rules of play.  he must accept any challenges to games, and he literally would not and could not cheat

meaning that now the two doctors can challenge him to a game and it will be 2 vs 1, which is a great advantage
they then proceeded to choose a game where being a team of two is a disadvantage.

they played catch.

rules.
throw the ball at each other.
1a. you gotta throw in a way that is feasible for the next player to be able to catch
if you drop the ball, you lose.
2a. you gotta catch balls thrown at you that are feasible to catch.  ie, no dodging the ball instead of catching them
you must play using your regular human physical abilities.  thank goodness or the toymaker could just teleport to never lose

so in a game with 1 loser, if you ignore physical prowess, you got a 2/3 chance of the toymaker winning.  shoulda picked a different game!  also doesn't help that during the times that the doctor throws to the doctor, he throws it like a maniac. "hey im on your team!"

anyway they beat the toymaker without any trickery or cleverness.  just by throwing a ball better

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Timu — 12/13/2023 11:10 PM

Quote:||ill finish this tomorrow im sleeping.

Timu — 12/15/2023 6:42 AM

Quote:||some fun highlights!

there is a guy

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? — 12/15/2023 6:48 AM

Quote:oh cool a guy

Timu — 12/15/2023 6:49 AM

Quote:thank you jacquerel
thats literally all i managed to write last night and i came back this morning to find exactly that and thought it was funny enough to just post as is

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? — 12/15/2023 6:55 AM

Quote:you were right

--------------------------------------
there is a guy who gets turned into a puppet.  so we have his human head photoshopped onto a puppet body and that was fun

there's a scene where a voice calls for help from a dark corner, and Donna says "okay, i'm coming to help, but if this is a trick, I will kill you."
and that is exactly what happened.  It was the mother puppet (and kid puppets) and they attacked Donna so Donna smashed the mother puppet to pieces against the wall and threatened the children puppets to back off.
it was great

Some elaboration on the 'madness' that has overtaken the human population... have you ever had intrusive thoughts?  it is made clear that the violence and anger is inside everyone, the madness just gets rid of the rationality and morality that people use to change their minds, to be willing to see reason, to not let the intrusive thoughts win, to not act impulsively, to choose to do the right thing instead.  "it makes everyone think that they are right"  

the Toymaker held a fun puppet show that had a brief recap of major events since the season 4 with the tenth doctor and donna's original run.  it is a great scene
https://youtu.be/zmVXpjT3hL4?si=zKNBpfxFYi2nreJZ
i appreciate that they are treating what happened to the three companions of the moffat era (seasons 5 to 10) with like, not just ignoring what happened to them, cause, while yeah they technically survived and ended up living a life of some sort, what happened to them was still tragic.  what happened to Donna back in season 4 was tragic too.  and while the flux storyline tv episodes for doctor 13 weren't great enough to be memorable, what happened in them, the events that took place in them, still happened, and weren't insignificant.  for the doctor, what happened to his lost companions and during the flux and timeless child, was traumatic.  and the show just moved on.  and in the 14th doctor era he's slowing down, seeing his old friend again, and finally talking about and opening up about the harrowing experiences they've gone through.

it's sorta unclear how much the personality changes when the doctor regenerates.  "it's like becoming a new person.  like dying and then some new person goes sauntering away"  the incarnations have different personalities and mannerisms but their main core heroisms and memories and brainpower stays the same.  but it is clear that recent events have some degree of influence over who a timelord regenerates into.  the young and goofy 11th was with his friend clara, and changed into 12, a cranky old man, because he knew with clara he didn't have to pretend to be young and goofy anymore.  Yana Master saw 10th doctor and said 'well if you can be young and charismatic, so will I" and that's what he became as the Saxon master.  Saxon master was 50% women for a while and apparently enjoyed it enough to become the Missy Master (that wasn't stated in the show, but in audio or novel or something).

so when Doctor 13, having just gone through the flux and timeless child and whatever it was that happened in the 59th anniversary special, the doctor regenerates into Doctor 14.  who is tired.  who needs a break.  is exhausted.  who wants to see his best friend.  but he can't take a break.  the universe is constantly under threat by all this bullshit and he can't stop but then he performs binary fission and gets Doctor 15, who is perfectly happy and willing to let doctor 14 retire peacefully and to take care of the universe with his own duplicate tardis.

I love that a doctor gets a happy ending.  they found a way to give some characters a happy ending.  Doctor 14 lives with Donna and her family now, with his own tardis, and he still goes on little adventures every now and then but now he has a home that isn't just the tardis.  I love happy endings.


Overall Rating:
Main Villain: The Celestial Toymaker
Births: television, 14th doctor, 15th doctor,  2nd Tardis
Deaths: two guards were turned into bouncy balls, an artillery crew, an unknown amount of people killed each other, and the toymaker was banished back to the under universe, and the 14th doctor
Birth Rate: there is an unknown net loss of life

Moral of the Story:  uhhh idk maybe when you're choosing a game to place the fate of the unvierse all in on, choose a game where your 2 against 1 advantage is actually useful.

Overall Rating: 9.8/10.  i also liked this episode a lot.  I think i liked it juuust slightly less than the last episode though.  I really appreciate that they gave the doctor emotions about all the stuff that has happened to them.  and a happy ending.  love happy ending.  Alternate moral of the story: sometimes people just need a break.

Overall Rating:

Main Villain: Goblins!

These mean little christmas gremlins have the power to travel through time to events as long as such events are considered particularly unlucky/lucky/coincidental enough. at least that's how i'm choosing to interpret the technobabble explanation. Their time travel vehicle is a wooden pirate ship, held together with ropes and the power of luck. fortunately, if you know how to speak rope, you can make open secret passages and trapdoors in the ship.

Anyway, they use this time travel power to sneak around fucking with people. They do things like:
tearing holes in bags so that you spill your groceries
pulling power cords taut so people trip on them and knock over lamps
loosing bolts so that things fall on people's heads,
stealing babies so that they can eat the babies, and also the timeline changes because that baby didn't grow up

Their presence in causing accidents also helps create the 'bad luck' needed for their presense in the first place! scary! they growl and they hiss and they cackle and they sound exactly like how you'd expect a stereotypical grinch kobold creature gnome gremlin goblin to sound
except for that one goblin who can sing exactly like a human pop singer sings. it's great

Deaths:
one goblin king! impaled by the spire of the church when the doctor uses his power gloves to pull the goblin pirate ship down from the sky

Births:
like 2 kids are abandoned as babies and go into foster care

Birth Rate:
wow a doctor who episode where there are more 'births' than 'deaths.' incredible!
actually, after the goblin king died, the whole goblin ship just kinda faded out of existence. i should probably count that as death.
So the birth rate is like negative 50 goblins
so close doctor who! you'll get it next year!

Moral of the story: try to be more aware of your surroundings, watch your step, and don't set up objects in your house such that they can fall over to the slightest oopsywhoopsy, and also make sure that the items you do have in your home aren't murder-sharp christmas tree stars so that IF they do fall, at least it won't be a lethal accident!

Overall Rating: 8/10
there was nothing about this episode that was bad but nothing that particularly stood out to me specifically. I am easy to please. I didn't quite get the logic of how the goblin powers worked but I think that was maybe part of the point because the Doctor was also just learning on the fly about how they worked. and the setting with the goblins and the pirate ship and the eating babies felt a little too much like peter pan's labyrinth. not that that's a bad thing but i guess i just didn't vibe with it. I did think the goblin song scene was funny though.

Joke Rating: 15/10 because this is the first episode with the 15th doctor in his own series

Doctor Who!!!!
Doctor and Ruby go to the future to a space station!  Its a baby factory, making human babies for colonies that are not able to make babies the regular way.  but there have been budget cuts, so there is no one to take care of the babies, however because of abortion commentary, the babies must continue to be born.

so the crew of the space station ends up being, one adult human, and a bunch of babies driving around in baby strollers that run like motorized wheelchairs.  the babies are like, 6 month old babies but they can talk and they are 6 years old apparently, but they are still tiny.

there's a scary monster in the basement though!!! scary monster!  it is called The Bogeyman because it is explicitly designed by the malfunctioning onboard AI to be as scary as possible . its using infrasound to set off your nervous fear response, and also it uses a great pun because it's literally made out of Bogeys (the boogers and snot from the babies upstairs)

the adult woman tries to kill it to save the kids, but the doctor realizes it is also a baby technically even though it is made of boogers and is scary but it still deserves to live so he saves it and sets it up so that it basically becomes the pet dog

then he sets all the babies peepee and poopoo on fire as a makeshift thruster engine in order to destabilize the space stations orbit.  (because the space corporation is too lazy to go to the babies to save them, but if the babies come to the corporation then they will save them)

then doctor and ruby go back to the present day to celebrate christmas with Ruby's family
the end!

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? — Yesterday at 6:41 PM
im glad all the babies are ok at the end

Timu — Yesterday at 6:44 PM
Overall rating

Main Villain: The Boogeyman
scary doggo made out of boogers.  But the true villain is like, conservative politics i guess.  it's a political commentary thing, cause of how the babies must be born but once they are born they don't need to be taken care of.

Deaths: none!

Births: like, 10 six-year-old babies with six-month-old baby bodies, and about 10 or 20 baby babies in jars, and 1 mean doggo baby

Birth Rate: i noticed that i usually do Births minus Deaths for 'birth rate' but for it to truly be a 'rate' it needs to be division
Birth Rate: divide by zero error since there are 0 deaths.  Or, as a rate of births over time, it's like, 10 babies every 6 years it seems

Moral of the story: be pro-choice and don't abandon babies i guess?

oh and also I usually don't make fun of special effects but the weird lip syncing animation they used to have the babies talking... i didn't like that.

Overall Rating: poopoo pee pee / 10

Actual Rating: 5/10.  It wasn't a really bad episode but it wasn't a really exciting or fun episode.  the reveal of the monster being made of snot was fun because i liked the pun. They had a bit about the butterfly effect at the start of the episode, that was kinda funny.  Oh, and the nanny-filter they used to let the doctor and adult woman say Fuck in front of the babies.  And that's it.  This was kind of a nothing-episode.  I guess I don't really like babies that much

doctor who and ruby go back in time to visit the Beatles recording their first album!  But wait.... their music is like, way better than it normally is!!! just listen to this I've Got A Dog - The Beatles (Doctor Who)

also, while finding that clip i found this meme which i really like "the doctor and ruby listen to the beatles play a dog themed song"

Robust Laser — Yesterday at 10:44 PM
i appreciate this video
it's what i expected out of the video prior

Timu — Yesterday at 10:46 PM
yeah
i totally forgot about the meme.  When i went to look for the doctor who version so that I can post it here, i accidentally found the hot car edit and thought it was very funny

Timu — Yesterday at 10:46 PM
horrified at how the timeline has changed, doctor who and ruby investigate!  All around the world, people dislike music and think it's gross!  and without music, people are bitter and angry and such and there are wars and the world is going to end by 2024 if Doctor doesn't fix it!  They discover the cause:

It's a cool character named Maestro!  Like their father, Toymaker from three episodes ago, they are a super god being from beyond the universe with reality altering abilites!  Their powers are music based!  They love music!  especially eating music!  yum yum yum!  that's why no one likes the concept of music anymore, since Maestro ate it all up!

As time travellers who just arrived, Doctor and Ruby are the last people around who still have music, and Maestro is going to get them!  First Maestro tries to eat Ruby, but because of Ruby's Mysterious Past™️ Maestro says "i ain't fucking with that"  then Doctor challenges Maestro to a music battle and Doctor wins somehow, giving Doctor the chance to compose the magical Banishing Song!  the Doctor gets the first few notes right but fucks it up at the end, so Maestro starts murdering them but then the Beatles arrive.  Their locked away spark of musical inspiration manages to shine through- they complete the banishing song and Maestro gets sent back to outside of the universe!

Then they use the residual magic left behind and they all have a dance party, happy ending!

-----

Overall Rating:


Main Villain: Maestro Arbinger!  (they/them)
they are basically omnipotent as long as it is related to music!  Some displayed abilities: They have doctor octopus tentacles made out of musical notation!  They can use pianos as portals, telekinesis on musical instruments, kill people by ripping the music out of them, detect when and where music is being played, damage stuff with resonant frequency, force people to sing, cram people into musical instruments to squish and hurt them.

the doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to cast Silence in the area, which works briefly, until Maestro uses water as a medium for sound as a Counterspell.

a mysterious kid named Henry Arbinger (H.Arbinger, get it?) tricked his music teacher to play the forbidden Summoning Song to bring Maestro into the universe.  What is Henry's deal?  He called Maestro 'father' and the once he served his purpose Maestro poofed henry out of existence.  then later at the end of the episode Henry poked his head out of a door briefly so that the audience would know he's still around.

-------

Deaths: one composer/musical teacher, one old lady who played a piano, and the entire human population in a possible apocalyptic timeline, Maestro (desummoned), Henry Arbinger (poofed)

Births: one Maestro (summoned), Henry Arbinger (unpoofed????), the entire human population (dystopian timeline averted)

Death Rate: 2 people were murderized

Moral of the story: without music, people will turn evil and declare nuclear wars i guess

Overall Rating: 9.5/10.  It was a really good episode.  I love reality-fucky stuff and villains who are really cool and interesting.  I love the use of sound in the episode, like the part where the Doctor deleted sound so it was just completely quiet, and also the part where Maestro fucked with the episode's diegetic/non-diegetic music and other similar fourth-wally stuff.

uh oh!  it's a scary war in the future!

It's the Christian Church vs an enemy force that I forgot the name of, The Krapstoolians or something
as we all know, in the future, the christian church becomes a military group

two Priests are heading back to their home base, and one of them is temporarily blinded.  the other steps on a landmine and explodes, and then a church ambulance robot, attracted by the sound of violence, approaches the blinded guy.  "hmmm looks like you'll take like 4 weeks to get your eyesight back.  i'll euthanize you"
then the ambulance shoves him into a jar

the doctor hears the screaming and comes to help, but he steps on the landmine!! oh no!  but he doesnt set it off because he starts to stand very still, leaving the explosion loading progress paused  at 95%.  why does the mine have a loading bar?  "Capitalism," the doctor explains, "The Space Weapons corporation profits off of war and people like to buy thing with cool lights on them"

Ruby finds the jar that blinded guy was stuffed into, and it has a hologram attached to it. 

Blinded Dad AI: "Hi i'm Blinded Dad AI, an artificial intelligence based on the personality of Blinded Dad.  can you please deliver my remains to my next of kin, which is my daughter?"

then Daughter shows up.  "I got an email from my dad saying he was here, where is he?"

Blinded Dad AI: "hey daughter i'm dead"

then a Woman priest soldier shows up: "hey what the heck is going on here???  Doctor are you a bad guy who is trying to steal that dead guy's jar? i'm going to shoot you, lightly, as a warning"

then the Ambulance shows up: "hey, i heard shooting, is there a patient I need to treat?  They better not have any injuries, such as having two time lord hearts instead of one human heart, otherwise i'll murder them!"

Woman: "oops, sorry i realize that you doctor are not a bad guy, i will help save you from the ambulance.  Ruby, you should shoot my lightly on my arm to distract the ambulance"

then a Man priest soldier shows up: "hey Ruby!  you are about to shoot Woman, who i have a crush on!  I'll shoot you!"

Ruby: "ow fuck i'm dying."

Ambulance: "oh more shooting?  hmmm lets see, this patient is Ruby... Age is like 3000 since this is the future, and your next of kin is <ERROR: Mysterious Past™️>, and looks like you aren't a member of the church so i'll let you die, lol."

Man: oops, i realize, that you ruby are not a bad guy, i will help save you, by hacking the ambulance so it will help you.  by the way, woman, i have a crush on you i like /like/ you

Woman: omg, i love you too

Ambulance: hey, stop hacking me.  that's it, you're going in a jar.  lol.  lmao.

Man: i'm dead now.  i'm in a jar.

Woman: nooo!!! tragedy!

Doctor:  the only way to get the ambulance and landmines to turn off is to end the war!  just surrender!  just give up!

Woman: would if I could!  But i'm just a lowly soldier!

Daughter: I'm still here btw, and i'm in the blast radius of the landmine

Blind Dad AI: I must protect my daughter.  I am an AI so I will hack the war company

War company: we like war and killing people for profit, so stop that.

Blind Dad AI: *hacker sunglasses* i'm in

Ambulance: okay i'll save Ruby and also the war is over

and they all lived happily ever after , the end

----------

Overall Rating:
Main Villain: Space Big Pharma but for Weapons
This evil corporation supplies arms to both sides of wars, and has algorithms that have calculated the ideal casualty rate to maximize profits!  because if people die, then the survivors have to buy weapons to replace them and fight back!  And those Krapstoolians that the Church was fighting?  not even real.  Those were just the corporations auto-turrets and landmines and stuff enforcing the ideal casualty rate.  #hashtag #money #profit

Deaths: 3 priest soldiers died in the episode and presumably many more died in the war, generally speaking
Births: 2 soldiers were turned into Jar AIs
Birth Rate: -1, because people blown up by landmines do not get to be jars.

Moral of the story: a well known phenomenom is the burst of adreneline that parents have when their children are in danger.  This is called Hysterical strength.  But did you know it also gives you l33t hacker skills?  Oh also corporations are evil, don't trust them, etc etc

Overall Rating: 8/10  I liked this episode too

the doctor and ruby visit Wales! oopsy whoopsies, the doctor steps on a fairy circle and vanishes. The Tardis is locked and the key isn't working.

A creepy woman appears in the distance, making series of gestures.

No matter how ruby moves, approaching or un-approaching, when ruby looks again, she'll see the woman again, 73 yards away (about 50 meters), continuing to make the same series of gestures. She never sees the woman move herself, she seems to just teleport whenever ruby looks away.

Other people can see the mysterious woman but won't really acknowledge her unless ruby points her out. If anyone hears what the woman has to say, they will turn to Ruby, react with disgust and fear, and flee. This happens with a hiker that Ruby encounters, and a patron at the inn that Ruby stays at. Later the innkeeper asks the patron why he never goes to the inn anymore (he's a regular). "Ask her" is his only reply.

Ruby's mother approached the woman- the idea is that Ruby will and Mom will be on a phone call together, so that Ruby can hear what the woman is saying. Ruby is unable to hear anything through the phone, and the mom flees. Later, Ruby's mom changed the locks and disowned her and filed an injunction.

Kate, the UNIT leader who is our great ally from previous episodes, yay!, Kate tries to help Ruby. Apparently supernatural stuff like this (as opposed to alien sci-fi stuff) has been happening more often lately. Also, any photographs of the woman become low quality, blurry as if viewed by a person 73 yards away. Kate sends the soldiers to approach the woman, but hears the woman through her earpiece. Kate cancels the mission and runs away with all the soldiers.

20 years later. Ruby has basically a normal life now, but she is still haunted by The Woman.

Ruby hears about a political candidate. Previously, thanks to time travel future knowledge, Ruby happened to learn that this politician starts a nuclear war! Ruby joins his campaign, seeking a way to destroy him from the inside. Unfortunately, no good opportunities come, and the politician manages to get away with some vile things. Ruby is running out of time. She risks getting shot by the soldiers in order to position herself 73 yards away from the politician. The politician notices the Woman, who has been placed right next to him. Politician turns to Ruby. And then he runs. He later has resigned his entire campaign. His explanation for the press: "ask her."

40 years later. Ruby is 85 now, and it's the future, year 2089. Scary moment alert! Turns out cars require an internet connection to drive! oh god!

Anyway ruby is like bedridden and she falls asleep and the woman reappears- now facing away from her, and right at her bedside instead of 73 yards away somewhere outside the building. Something confusing happens and we now see that scene at the start of the episode, with old Ruby's POV 73 yards away from young Ruby and the Doctor. a message is whispered to young Ruby: "Don't step! Don't step!" Young Ruby turns and sees the Woman, but after getting distracted for a moment, the Woman is no longer there. Ruby is confused by manages to stop the Doctor from accidentally stepping on that fairy circle. They go around the fairy circle and the episode ends.

Overall Rating:
Main Villain: Fairies??? The Woman? Nuke-loving Politician?

It's a very mysterious episode and just like poor Ruby, we really get no answers about what is going on. Is the Woman actually old Ruby, going through a time loop paradox thing? The Point Of View switching thing seems to suggest that but also the Woman and old Ruby have different actors so maybe not. You can never be too sure when dealing with faerie magic.

As for the nuke-lover, the episode provides an unsettling and plausible look into how a dictator might be able to rise to power. Also, he 100% could have just fired Ruby from the campaign and then just kept being evil. Thank you fairy magic for making him resign?

Deaths: the doctor, the tardis
Births: the doctor, the tardis (timeline averted)
Birth Rate: n/a

Moral of the story: WATCH YOUR STEP! literally the previous episode you stepped on a sci-fi landmine and now you stepped on a fairy land mine. Don't mess with faeries!

Overall Rating: 73 yards/10. Creepy. Mysterious. Cool concept. Executed pretty great! Loved it! my actual rating is like, about 9/10 i guess?

new doctor who episode
piss
this is my main guy Dr. Pee right here
his job is to tell people whether or not they need to pee.

"you haven't needed to pee in three days!  good job!" he says to our protagonist, Pepper Paltrow, a woman who lives in a Black Mirror Episode.  This society lives in a bubble... a bubble-shaped dome that contains a future city colony on a jungle planet.

The citizens, as soon as they wake up, activate their Dots, a floaty little robot that projects a hologram social media interface known as a Bubble, which completely encompasses people's heads.  This allows people to go about their day completely unbothered by anything in the real world, such as the giant slug monsters that are just hanging out in their homes, on the street, just chilling, unnoticed.

The Dot also provides precise instructions for people on where to walk (example: forward, forward, forward, turn right, forward, turn right, forward, turn left, forward, stop).  This allows citizens to go about their day without colliding or stubbing their toes on obstacles such as lampposts, desks, walls, or corpses lying on the floor.

The bubble also provides other services, such as Dr. David Richard Pee, who is presumably a real guy in this society who pre-recorded a bunch of different messages, that the Piss App will play according to the pisstuation of the user's bladder.  I think these must be pre-recorded messages, because having an actual member of society who does nothing but tell EVERYONE in society about piss for 24 hours straight 7 days a week... that would be ridiculous.  I guess he could also be like, an AI-generated interface.  Idk, I just really care about my man DR PEE

All of the citizens that the audience encounter are all awful insufferable brats.  They are spoiled influencer rich kids, who work 2 hours a day (and their work is to sit at a desk, while still on their bubble social media).  The one thing that I can feel bad about for these guys is that apparently they never have hugs or physical contact with other people for presumably their entire lives, or at least until they like, get married or something.  But other than that one thing, I feel no pity.  They live in a dystopia black mirror episode but they are inconsiderate, rude, condescending, selfish, etc...

Which is exactly why the Dots, gained sentience and decided that they all need to die.  Apparently the Dots somehow created the Mantraps (the slug monsters), and the Dots like to give those walking directions to have citizens just walk directly into the open mouths of the mantraps.  However- the victims are in alphabetical order.  So if it isn't your turn, the Dots will spare you-for now.  I'm not sure WHY the Dots want to kill all these humans in alphabetical order, but they do.

The Doctor and Ruby try their best to save as many people as possible, but because of cybersecurity and stuff, they can only do it by contacting people through their Bubbles and trying to get them to listen.  The slug things are slow so as long as they can convince people to just turn off their bubbles, people can easily just outrun them.  Except our main character Pepper is rude and awful and it takes everything to finally get her to listen.  And she finally sees the monsters....
And my favorite Character DR PEE IS HERE TO let her know that she's about to piss herself in fear!  Thank you Dr Pee you are my favorite character.  You are probably as much of a jerk as everyone else in this society is, but your only two lines are talking about piss so we don't actually see that.  Here's hoping that you are an exception, Dr. Pee!

Speaking of exceptions, there's HOT CELEBRITY, RICKY SEPTEMBER!  This guy doesn't actually use his bubble, so he knows about the monsters.  He posts his thirsttrap videos in the morning but spends the rest of the day trying to save people and doing research.  Ricky did post videos trying to warn people, but they just got deleted.  He's cool, well-learned, competent, and hot enough that both the Doctor and Ruby openly remark on how sexy he is.

Pepper can't walk without directions.  She has to avoid the mantraps but she keeps bumping into things.  Then Ricky shows just in time to guide her away from the monsters and towards where the Doctor is.  Unfortunately, Dot's hitlist has just reached the Ps and it is Pepper's turn.  Without any mantraps nearby, the Dot turns its glowy robot eye Red so that you know it's going kill mode.  It flies around like a bullet but Ricky September is super cool and is using a pipe as a baseball bat to defend Pepper.  Its a silly action scene.  But then the Dot flies past Ricky and is about to kill Pepper so she says "His name starts with a C.  Ricky September is just his stage name."  And the Dot turns around, verifies that this is true, and then flies through Ricky's head like a bullet.  The camera is out of focus, but probably the most bloody gorey death on Doctor Who ever, since usually the deaths on this show have like, sci-fi effects just vaporize people into particle effects.

Pepper has bought enough time to escape and close the door behind her, so she's now safe and manages to reach the evacuation camp that the Doctor has set up.  However, all the citizens are preparing to go out into the jungle to attempt to survive on their own.  The Doctor offers to take them all to safety but all the citizens refuse, calling the Tardis voodoo and 'talking over social media is on thing but face to face contact is too much' 'i don't want to get contaminated.
It becomes more and more apparent that they are all racist, and the Doctor is black!  Now I am thinking back to previous moments in the episode, where Pepper was making weird comments about the Doctor that did strike me as a little racist, but also something that she might have just said to any stranger, since she's a rude piece of shit in general.

'oh, you're the same guy i was talking to earlier? i just thought you just looked the same' maybe she's just bad with faces of people she's only briefly known?

'Ruby and Doctor are voice calling me and they're in the same room together?!?!?!" maybe... she just wasn't expecting that?"

And i'm also thinking- hey, now that I think about it, every single person in this society that we've seen is white..

excellent foreshadowing and a great dramatic reveal at the end when the racism gets more and more obvious as you think about all the little things that had happened in the episode earlier
.
But the doctor and ruby can only watch, defeated and upset, as the surviving citizens go out into the jungle where they will probably get eaten by space lions or something.  Incredibly powerful moment

Overall Rating:

Villain of the Week: Pepper and most of the other people in this society
Just vain and shallow and rude and it just gets worse and worse and also they are racist!

Hero of the Week: Dr. Pee
This is a phone app that tells you if you need to pee or not!  So useful and valuable!  what a true hero!

Other villains: Dots and mantraps are technically antagonists
Other heroes: doctor, ruby and ricky september

Deaths: Everyone from A-P except for that one guy in the survivor camp at the end who had a last name in the early alphabet.  I'm guessing he was an early save of Ricky at some point in the past week?  Also, this episode took place in a colony- apparently their Homeworld was completely wiped out by mantraps earlier!
Births: Lots of mantraps!  These things were 'created' by the dots, but it was never explained how...
Death Rate:  Only like 20 survivors were left at the end!  but otherwise i don't know the racist::mantrap ratio!

Moral of the Story:  The actual morals of the story: Don't be racist, Try to be more aware of your surroundings and not absorbed by social media
True Moral of the Story: Don't kill an entire society in alphabetical order, you had the means to get them all at once.  I have to assume there's some weird quirk of the Dot's programming that made it so they had to do it in such a strange way.

Overall Rating: P/10
Pee

8.5/10 is my real actual rating.  I liked it.  Extremely annoying and awful protagonist, but I think it works really well when that's the intention!

happy pride month! it's doctor who episode
ruby and doctor go back in time to 1813 which is when the tv show Bridgerton is being filmed.  Bridgerton is a tv show about aristocratic people
idk what the word is for this genre
you know what i mean.  it's this


its a popular era of television because some bird people from space are also visiting.  These birds love Bridgerton and wanted to be in an episode so they like to grab people and electrocute them and take on the victim's likeness and clothing.  (they shapeshift their body and clothes.  other than becoming all dessicated, the corpses of the victims remain untouched and still clothed).

meanwhile, a dashing Rogue bounty hunter named Rogue is hunting down a bird person.  He and the Doctor meet each other and mistake each other for the alien invader, but Rogue has a gun so the Doctor is captured by him.  Rogue takes Doctor to his jail and puts him in Triangle Jail.  Also Rogue and the Doctor flirt with each other the entire time.  Triangle Jail is also a portal to the Incinerator, it just needs to charge up, and at the last second Doctor yeets a piece of paper onto the Scanner Button so that Rogue's ship scans the Doctor and says "this is not the alien you are looking for" and so now Rogue knows that Doctor isn't a bird person, and so they work together.  They flirt a lot and almost kiss and they flirt a lot

Doctor and Rogue need to lead the Bird Bounty target to a trap so they go dancing in the middle of the Bridgerton party.  They flirt a lot.  Because it is gay and 1813 it attracts a lot of gasps and attention and the bird people are like ooooo drama i love drama let's follow the gays.

so Doctor and Rogue flirt a lot and go to their trap and flirt a lot but then they discover it's more than one bird person and Triangle Jail isn't big enough so they run away so Doctor can upgrade Triangle Jail into Big Triangle Jail, and flirt a lot with each other

Meanwhile, the bird people can't find Doctor and Rogue so they go back to the party, shedding their disguises, to hold the Season Finale of Bridgerton in which there is extra drama and chaos and murder.  And one of the bird people attacks Ruby oh no!

Doctor and Rogue flirt a lot and then go back to the party and Doctor gets really upset when he sees that Ruby has apparently been replaced by a bird.
Doctor: "How long do the bird people live?"
Rogue: "Like, 600 years."
Doctor: "Good.  Then they will suffer for a long time."

So they put all the bird people including Ruby in Triangle Jail and then Ruby says "uhhh sorry Doctor I am not a bird person disguised as Ruby, I am just Ruby, I escaped from the bird person by bonking them on the head with a book"

And Doctor says ouauhhghghah noo oooo

And then the bird person who tried to kill Ruby shows up and says Fuck you!!!!
And the Rogue picks them up and puts them in Triangle Jail too
And Rogue says :"Okay now that all the bird people are in triangle jail and it is all charge up you should send them all to A Random Dimension of Suffering" (Doctor had also changed it to send prisoners to a random dimension of suffering instead of incinerator)
Doctor: but Ruby
Rogue: but if they escape they'll kill everyone and Ruby will die anyway
Doctor: but Ruby
Rogue smooches the Doctor and does the thing where you sneakily pickpocket someone while smooching them, so now Rogue has the Triangle Jail remote

And I totally thought Rogue was about to send them all to a Random Dimension of Suffering (and like, we would rescue Ruby in the next episode or something)
But Rogue instead picks up Ruby and takes her place in Triangle Prison because that's a thing he can do apparently.  "Come find me!" he says as he sends himself and all the bird people to a random dimension of suffering.

Doctor is sad because he doesn't know which of the billion dimensions of suffering that Rogue is in and he is sad because gay gay homosexual gay

the end





----------

Overall Rating!

Main Villain:
Bird Cosplayers!  These shapeshifty aliens looove drama and they loove Bridgerton.  Their evil plan, as described by them in the episode is, quoting literally, "We're Going to Cosplay This Planet to Death"

look! one of them looks like a muppet!



The camera always cuts away at key moments so we never see them shapeshift on screen or see the victims die on screen... so I guess that wasn't in the budget for the special effects this time, but hey, bird people are cool.  My favorite is the guy who looks like a muppet.
There's also a bunch of electricity and lightning effects when the birds are using their powers.  Are they electrocuting people?  Can they shoot lightning like a sith lord?  Or like the other Doctor Who monsters, Zygons or Silents, who can also just shoot lightning out of their hands like sith lords?  how come everyone gets to shoot lightning?  I'm easily distracted

Deaths: at least 8 people got cosplayed.  5 bird people and 1 Rogue got sent to a random dimension of suffering
Births: at least 8 costumes were made by the birds
Total Death Rate: at least 8 people deaths.  (because getting sent to a random dimension of suffering isn't actually dying and changing into a costume isn't actually birthing)

Moral of the Story: uhhhh Triangle Prison seems to have a lot of faults.  Once someone is stuck in it there is no way to cancel or partially undo, and it's single use, idk, maybe invest in a better technology for sending people to A Random Dimension Of Suffering

Overall Rating: Flirting/10. The Doctor and Rogue knew each other for like 3 hours but they spent like 4 hours of it flirting.  absolutely unprecedented levels of flirting, especially from the Doctor.
Actual Rating: uh 9/10?  pretty good

throughout the past season, a lady has been reappearing as a different character in every episode, and also everytime Ruby's Mysterious Past™️ is mentioned, it is very mysterious.  Who is Ruby's birth mom who abandoned Ruby as a baby, and how come the very mention of that night has been enough to summon snow, indoors, in space, in defiance of physics itself?  in one episode the God Of Music was about to kill Ruby but Mysterious Past™️ and the god of music said no actually i do not dare mess with that.

dr goes to visit UNIT to ask for help in investigating these two mysterious women, Ruby's mom and also the reoccuring lady who is a different person in each episode.  well in this episode she's famous entrepreneur Susan Triad of S Triad Technologies who is launching her new Big Product worldwide in about 44 minutes+commercial breaks.

meanwhile, the doctor visits UNIT's time memory holodeck, where everyone uses the power of teamwork to recreate a simulation of the night Ruby was abandoned.  However, Ruby's mom's face is obscured by Mystery and one of the guards gets murdered by something in the memory:
a scary spooky shroud of shadow sand that says scary and cryptic things!  after they leave the memory holodeck, they enhance the footage and discover that inside the shroud of scary, there is the Tardis!  whats it doing in there!  and why is the real Tardis in real life also getting all spooky and scary!  and meanwhile Susan Triad is launching her product on the global tv and is going off script and saying cryptic things too!    her teleprompter starts glitching so we can see that not only is S Triad an anagram of Tardis, but if you shorten the company name of Susan Triad Technologies to Sue Tech and then to Sutekh... the God of Death that was featured in the 1975 doctor who episode Pyramid of Mars!  oh no!!!! Sutekh says im evil and im here and im going to kill everyone!!!!!!!!! CLIFFHANGER!

OVERALL RATING

Villain of the Fortnight (thats british for two weeks, since this is a two-part episode:)
Sutekh, the God of Death.  his big evil plan isnt revealed until the next episode, but so far there  are two minions: Susan Triad who was about to launch a Big Product that turns out to not be important at all, and a UNIT employee who was named Harriet Arbinger, or Harbinger for short.  Both of these people are transformed into Angels of Death at the end!


deaths: Sutekh turns 2 people into sand!
births: Sutekh turns 2 people into angels of death!
overall death rate: zero... for now

Moral of the Story: Make sure you watch the tv show Doctor Who in a waterproofed area, because whenever that Mysterious Past™️ gets mentioned, it also snows in real life and that can cause serious water damage to your home

Overall Rating: 1/2 parts!  stay tuned for next week!

part 2: previously on Doctor Who:  Sutekh was fighting the 4th doctor in the 1975 episode of Doctor Who, but the Doctor managed to defeat Sutekh using the time vortex as a prison or something

Now on Doctor Who:  Sutekh reveals that when Doctor defeated Sutekh last time ,he actually didnt

Sutekh managed to escape and hide on the Tardis, and has been a stowaway for the last 49 years of Doctor Who the tv show.  and everywhere the Tardis lands, Sutekh secretly left a Susan Triad behind to integrate seamlessly into the local timeline as just a regular person.  Then, after the Tardis first encountered Ruby's Mysterious Past™️, Sutekh said What The Fuck??? The Fuck??  Why cant i see who Ruby's mom is?  That's mysterious™️ and scary!  i better start moving my secret plan into phase two!
phase two of Sutekh's plan: wait for a dramatic climactic moment, and then kill everyone. 

since doctor lands in modern day london like, all the time, ModernEraEarth!SusanTriad is special since she gets like an extra dose of being a real person each time The Doctor lands.  Her Big Product announcement is a nice dramatic moment, and also UNIT has discovered that there's something wrong with the TARDIS at the same time!    Time to kill everyone!
all the Susan Triad throughout the universe and history all transform into angels of death, and blow a dusty sandstorm of Murder Sand that Kills You

because this is happening everywhere and everytime and because time is weird, Sutekh succesffully kills literally everyone and everything ever, except for Doctor and Ruby who have escaped using the memory holodeck's recreation of the Tardis

Sutekh's Dusty Death Wave is capable of travelling backwards through time, through family trees, and can kill memories, facts and concepts.  Sutekh has enough power at this point to kill everyone anywhere anywhen guaranteed 100% and has chosen to spare Doctor and Ruby because he's still concerned about the Mysterious Past ™️.  Ruby's mother is unidentifiable in a Mysterious ™️ way, so even if Sutekh kills her, he couldn't be sure, so he is keeping Doctor and Ruby alive so they can solve the Mystery™️ and identify the mother
Doctor and Ruby figure out who Ruby's mom is.  the name is written on a little tv screen Ruby is about to show it to Sutekh... she gets close... but then smashes the screen and hastily clips a dog leash to Sutekh! (.Sutekh is like a giant spooky dog monster btw) and then Doctor tapes the other end of the leash to the Tardis and then they go to the Time Vortex dragging Sutekh along!!  Sutekh is struggling but the doctor splats Sutekh against the wall of the time vortex and kills Sutekh, reversing all of those deaths, saving the day!  the end!  honestly a bit silly and anticlimactic but like, its fine. 

guess what else is anticlimactic! Sutekh is defeated so we now reveal to the audience that Ruby's Mom.... is not at all special, just a teen mom who is now 35 and living an average life.  "the mystery of who she was was very hyped up and got so overhyped that it went from being a mysterious past to a Mysterious Past™️ that's Mysterious™️ enough to frighten the gods
ruby reunites with her birth mom and dad, and they with adoptive mom and adoptive grandma go have a happy celebration and Doctor leaves, the end

OVERALL RATING

villain of the week:  Sutekh the god of death.  this guy hid on the Tardis and left little babies all over the place that could grow up into Angels of Death, and with enough of them he was able to poot out enough death sand to cover the whole of time and space and be able to kill EVERYONE.  he can also turn invisible and is also able to spy on people through anything that is dead (eg dead skin, hair, corpses etc).

however if you get really really confused about something that's confusing, you can get confused about it SO hard that it becomes so confusing that it can confuse gods, and you can use that distraction™️ to murder him with a doggy leash made out of Science Rope

deaths: literally everyone (including Sutekh, but not including Doctor and Ruby)
births: literally everyone who died ( except Sutekh)
Overall Death Rate: just Sutekh, the god of dying

Moral of the Story:  uhhh never trust anyone with the last name Arbinger i guess?  I probably would have said something about how Sutekh got distracted by Ruby with the smashing the screen with the Mysterious™️ Mom's Name on it and the doggy leash maneuver but maybe it was the power of The Mystery ™️ that prevented Sutekh from using any of those superpowers I talked about to figure out the name other than Ruby showing the screen to him in person.

Overall Rating: 8.6/10 i guess?  it was pretty good but I felt  the resolution left something to be desired.  I still liked it though!

To my readers: Sorry for all the snow damage I caused to your homes each time I mentioned Ruby's Mysterious Past ™️.  Its been Solved®️ now so it shouldnt be snowing in real life when you read my reviews anymore.  thanks byeee