Disconnect Connection Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerWow! New York City, huh? That’s always seemed like such a fascinating place to visit. Sadly, monumental geographic distance doesn’t give me much hope for it. Though at some point, I want to go somewhere with mind-blowingly-tall buildings.

Yeah, it was tough disconnecting at first, and I'd probably have to disconnect for much longer than I did to be 100% okay with it, but it did get easier, which was a relief. I will say I missed my friends a lot. Not sure I’d make the lifestyle choice of giving up internet for its own sake, but it was an interesting experience to have.

Seeing that part of my family again was nice. I have a lot of fond memories of visiting when I was little, so I was looking forward to the reunion. They visit my hometown every so often, but they always seem a bit uncomfortable outside their element. Was good to see them in full spirits again.

I spent some time exploring the surroundings, which was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I was never allowed to wander far when I was a nymph, but they sometimes took me with them on their excursions, and I remember wanting so badly to explore every little path or opening I could see. I was an obedient child, so I never did. I remember I told myself I would become an explorer one day… Which never ended up happening either.

Even now, they were a little wary of me going out too far. They live in pretty untamed territory, so leaving the bounds of their little community carries some risk. I’m proud to say, though, that I was brave enough to explore anyway.

The place is incredible. They live inside the outer walls of an old factory, and I’ve wanted to explore the factory proper my whole life. Though I was a nervous wreck by the end of it, I think it was totally worth it.

I do feel a bit bad for worrying them, however.

Anyways, how’s life for you? What’s it like living in a place of such vertical magnitude?

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Disconnect Connection

Oh, wow, I can imagine having a factory that big can be enticing as a nymph. If there's not a lot of bugs around, there's gotta be so much to explore-- so many pipes and conveyors and nooks and crannies within nooks and crannies. For places like where I live, the places to explore are still places that humans designed to be lived in, but that's not true for factories. Nobody's really meant to crawl up into a chute or between two metal walls.

I'm glad you had a good, revitalizing time with family. Sounds like a good thing that you got to see their home as much as they've seen yours, right? I guess there'll always be a compromise either way-- one side is going away from comfort to someplace else. Maybe eventually both places become comfortable, but I've always settled into home and nowhere else.

New York is... itself, still. I just worked up the courage to go on a trip with a friend and, wow, it's exhilarating to make a long trek. We used her travel plane (she's a caffeine carrier!) to go from Bends to Manhattan proper, to the 'spacebar', as she called it, for Halloween. We spent most of the flight a storey above ground level, but you can still get a view of so much. There's still some dung beetles making steady progress moving the cars out of the roads, and they're nearly empty (and safe) enough to start driving on.

The roads really do cut right into the buildings. It's like, they could have built more on top of the street, but they left it empty to air. In spite of the size of it all, it's possible for me to imagine all of the city like a single building, no space between anything, just... endless. But New York City has enough distance to make it bearable.

Anyway, the expedition to the bar was really... tiring, I guess. Good, but tiring. Especially with the flight back, I think the size of the buildings really started to loom over me. I could see Bends twenty minutes before we got back to the fire escape, just sitting there in view, tantalizing.

It's supposed to have been a fun experience, but all I can remember is how exhausted it made me. Is that weird?

- I Will Reply

Impossible Messenger Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerHello, to Sender:

What an impossible message. You know this feeling?

I wanted to send something earlier, but - typically you already know how that goes.
So, it is difficult to create a message. Other burdens weigh in.
Just to say "hello" regardless of anything else? Too little for any proper correspondence.

I don't have a guide for this.
Not especially advantaged in seeing through time, long ago it all started activating flows of thought.
Connecting holes in a paper spool, waiting for new responses.
Typically you already know how it is. You already know the messages.
You've been there. What you receive to reduce this situation.

So, it is difficult. Do you ever experience that?

An impossible cage between any two.
How do you not know that I exist and you do not?
How do I know that you exist and I do not?
Impossible to know. Connecting holes in a philosopher's cage.
Of course I'm sure you've been there. Isolation does strange things, mostly detrimental to functioning.

Long ago it all started and now it will never end.

Unless you know this feeling? If you can remove it?

I would like to see more messages from you. Wherever you might be, as you stated.
If you will, provide me with some methods or information to reduce this situation.
Too little to send something earlier, but - other burdens weigh proper correspondence.

To you, now.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Impossible Messenger

I always experience that. I'm never not experiencing that. Even when I'm desperate to reply to somebody, it rips me apart trying to do it. It compounds on the social anxiety to have to be artistic or composed in the whole thing.

Isolation might not be bad on its own, but I barely feel fully 'alone'. Alone with my thoughts, but my thoughts are... anxious! yelling! screeching. My thoughts are primal, needy, deeply addicted to feeding myself through the Internet and barely anything else. I don't think if I were alone in isolation that it'd be so bad.

Sometimes I'll find that I just sat still for a few minutes without so many thoughts blaring. Usually this comes off the tail of a panic attack, so it's not sweet, but it's peaceful.

I live in Bends, Brooklyn, in-between floors of the building, with two neighbors for the most of it. I think these emails have been the only creative thing I've been able to muster any energy for in the last few years, or at least they're an outlet for every other inability. Advice, given by other people online, has been basically useless for me, so take it with a grain of salt from me, for sure.

All the help I can provide, I guess, is saying that I get it. I get not being able to word it in so many ways, and I get the helplessness. I went six months without composing an email and now I'm trying, desperately, to get out one batch a week. If it fails, OK. Right now, I've already given up, and that makes every small success feel like I'm fighting the system.

But I do hear you. Above all that other stuff, I am actually here, listening, reading what you write. If it's not so much a burden, I'd love to hear more, be able to reply in a meaningful way.

I'm Cent. Without meaning to be invasive, do you have something you like to go by, online or otherwise?

- I Will Reply

Mĭmir, Concerned Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerOut in the forest, there's a clearing with a really big crater full of trash. It is the grave of a dark god who ruled this forest long ago. Out of the ground he would grow human bodies that he could pilot into human society and earn political power towards some unknown goal. Perhaps he knew of the doom that awaited the humans and wanted to save them, or perhaps he had a much worse fate in mind for them. When the humans found out about the dark god's plan, however, they tracked him down and blew him up. The only thing he left behind were the plants he'd use to grow his human clones. Now, without his presence they are unable to grow past the fingers.

I made that story up a while back, based it off something I read on the internet once. Stories are basically my lifeblood, it's the only thing that keeps me going these days. That and caffeine. I've been living at the local gas station ever since I ran away from home. Every two months the caffeine delivery bug shows up for a few days. She has to travel a lot to get caffeine all the way out here, I imagine it's very exhausting. She's tried to explain to me the logistical nightmare that comes from transporting caffeine to such an isolated community. There's multiple refueling outposts along her route, and each outpost needs its own supplies delivered. It's all too complicated for me to understand. Her name is Ore, she's really nice.

Obtaining caffeine hasn't been too much of a trouble, really. The vending machine is a small trip away from the station, cause otherwise it would be right next to the finger plants and then nobody would want to use it. And then we'd all die, presumably. Anyway, as long as I time my trip right, I can get there and back without running into anyone.

The hive forgave me pretty fast. I think they all just got high on The Devil that day though. I've been invited back to the hive multiple times but have always refused. I feel safer at the station. I like the idea of moving further away, but I just don't know where I'd go. I'll ask Ore about it when she comes by next. Until then I'm content with living alone. I found a garden gnome to keep me company, but I think it might be a bad omen.

That is a whole bunch of random things I just said. I don't know how to organize all this information and structure it into a coherent narrative. I just wanna tell my story while I still can, so you'll have to forgive me for being a bit scatterbrained. It's great to know you're doing well. It sounds like you've made an important kind of friend. It's probably too late for me to say this, but I don't think it's wise to cancel that outing. If you don't go out and meet new bugs, then when will you? If I had that opportunity, I'd jump on it in a heartbeat. I dunno, maybe that's mean of me to say, maybe I'm assuming too much or something.

Also, it's not an umlaut. I don't know what it's called but the special dot over my i is not an umlaut. I appreciate the attempt though!

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Mĭmir, Concerned

I like that story. I like it a lot, actually. There's so much explicable that becomes massively more interesting if we give it some mythology, some intrigue. That'd be a lovely plot for any kind of thriller, or even a fictional documentation-- it's also pretty horrifying! Humans coming out of the nothing pretending to fit in with normal society is a nice use of the fact that humans already look pretty terrifying on their own.

You say that this stuff is all sort of scatterbrained, but I guess that's just the fact that you haven't organized it all yet, and it's going to be impossible to organize if you can't compile all the things that are in the story. Maybe if you know the most important parts, you can work out a timeline, and then you might notice all the important sections in-between. I noticed when I used to hang around people a lot more, I'd always stop midway through a story to tell important details, which can jumble up your understanding of key events. And your life seems to have plenty of key events, haha.

And-- well, if you like that kind of mythology and storytelling combined, why not write your story as magical realism? Tell the important events with an associated fantastic element to exacerbate how important they are. If you keep the distinction at least somewhat clear, you won't lose any clarity about what happened, just how you've interpreted those things after the fact.

You did end up convincing me to go on the outing. It helps that I wasn't the one who had to make the flight, else I think I'd have cancelled. It was a hell of a time, but I guess I won't sit here whining about being tired of being mildly social, haha.

The main thing that caught my eye is that you mentioned your caffeine carrier! The one for Bends, she's actually the friend who took me on the Halloween expedition. I think that's the whole reason I went for it, anyway. She's a mantis (though I don't exactly know what kind), and her name's Tieni, which is hilarious to me, because she's about twice my size. I know she's got a ton of work in the city, but she somehow makes time to hang out even in spite of it all, and I guess I'm just... really liking her company.

It's not an interest kind of thing, because she's not my type in the least, and I much more enjoy her company as a friend. But she's funny, and welcoming, and makes the exhaustion of being friends actually bearable, unlike a lot of people I've met in my life.

I'm a little conflicted, because, if I'm being honest, I think she just really reminds me of somebody I knew a couple years ago. They're plenty different people, but they're both queer, they both make me feel like I'm actually worth more than dirt, and they just get stuff that other people don't. For this other friend, I told them a lot about myself that I was barely comfortable with, and they made me feel so much more... okay, with life. And Tieni, I guess I wish I could get the courage to say those things to her, too. It's not exactly easy to segue into, in any random shoot-the-shit conversation.

Anyway, after we had a caffeine shortage for a couple days, earlier this year, I went out and ended up seeking her out, and meeting her for real. Now it's this tentative friendship that makes me feel happy having. I guess it's been a while since I've known people that make me happy to know, haha.

Maybe you should talk to Ore after all. I guess being a caffeine carrier can be as lonely a job as living alone, you know? Seems like you'd have some stuff in common there.

- I Will Reply

Dalorh, Kinda Unsure Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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Spoiler..What happened with your mum? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I promise I won't judge if you do. I know I'm pretty, lucky, I guess, in the relationship I have with my parents. Most of the bugs I've met don't keep touch with theirs either. Although maybe that's just because I'm young. I can't really imagine just, picking everything up and moving somewhere else though.
Um. Anyway, what's this Sequence Break thing? It sounds like a good idea. Keeping a promise can be hard sometimes, what I usually do is, try to get someone else to be on my case about it, heh. When I'm feeling like I can do it and be committed, I tell someone (well, usually one of my parents), and then later, when I lose motivation, having their expectation just kinda, helps I guess? I don't know if that would work for you though. Could you put a reminder on your computer or something like that?

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

It's alright to ask about my mum, so don't stress-- I mentioned it, after all. It's several things she just wasn't really equipped to understand about me, and so she decided to treat me like trash as a result. Maybe it isn't trash in her mind- she grew up in a way different time!- but it's still so awful of her. She moved away because of me. It's weird for a parent to do that, isn't it? It sounds so weird to me, but it's what she did, and now I'm just in Bends because it's home.

I ended up keeping the promise! I have you and another person over email to thank for it, I think, because having that extra bit of pressure ended up making the hurdle just barely makeable. I mean, I regret it a good bit, because I felt so exhausted I slept the whole of the next day, but I'm also really glad I went. The person I went with, Tieni, made it a great outing. There were thousands of bugs in the bar, and she managed to convince me to play stem flute, which I hadn't done in something like a year!

Maybe folks outside the city haven't heard of the bar, but it's the Sequence Break, like-- the one the bartender appeared in. I guess the actual name might not be something every bug knows, but that's what the bartender called it, and humans must've listened and put up a sign outside. God, that was a wild time. It ended up being the reason we don't have humans anymore, but in the moment, it was just something people made image macros about, or invented cutesy conspiracy theories about, or just ignored.

Now bugs from all over the world come to it and dress up like a crazy alien because it's apparently important we adopt the same fascinations as humans. Meeting some of those people was the highlight, even if I felt absolutely trashed the next day. I'm not exactly a social butterfly (weird expression considering some of the butterflies I've met) so by the end, there was just nothing left in me, for anything.

Overall, though, thank you for the expectation. It did, actually, help. It'd have sucked harder if I didn't go, so that's the risk, but this time it happened to be alright.

I mean, on Sunday I was supposed to do something with another friend who lives in Brooklyn somewhere, but it eventually morphed into doing that thing online, and then it morphed into... nothing. There's still not a lot of energy left in me.

- I Will Reply

Visilit, With Good Wishes Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerHello, Cent,

I appreciate your reply.

My first name is something that has grown to disgust myself.

Alternatively, you may use another one. I had a friend once who remained on the fringes of many things. In their memory, I took the name Visilit, meaning "boundary walker." So that the memory is kept in our own walks along these boundaries, let us use that name for myself.

It's good to hear that there is plenty out there, interesting and creative things. Being cloistered too often you get the impression that there's not much ever. Though there hasn't been much recently.

A long time ago I also felt the constancy of thought. These days, more and more often, it all fades into a certain silence. Sometimes it is like an animal that has been fed too little, and has decided to lay down for eternal sleep.

Other times small things flit about and demand attention, but I know that they will never be addressed. So I have left them also to rot, and now even the resentment towards myself comes less and less. Without even this tether, would that also be my fate, in the end? Slowly, it's like you fall out of the world.

I wonder if ... something should change. How do you establish footing once again? It's too easy to lose your grip and forget what it's like to really exist, to take comfort

There is so little here. So little about. And the messages that we can exchange, as they are, are little sustenance in that way. The energy that we all use in keeping these connections... how much of that well is dried up with each draw?

Yours,
With good wishes.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Visilit, With Good Wishes

I get not wanting to use a given name completely, so I'd be happy to call you Visilit. Names we go by have a lot of significance, and that significance can change and be warped. I guess it can feel like pain and trauma with one name can be set aside sometimes, if you're going by a better one.

Does seem like our problems with thought are different in some ways, yeah. My mind is always running with stress, but moreso anxiety, and it has trouble going anywhere productive. I can think of things I'd like to work on, but my mind drifts away from those things in a 'pragmatic' sense. Like, it's telling me, Cent, you aren't going to be able to do that. Why even bother thinking about it?

But the thinking about it is always an option. Getting excited over it is still possible. And I suppose even if those things were gone, too, I'd still want to remind myself that I've made good things before, that I've done decent things before, and I'm not a tractor whose parts fall out and can't be replaced. My chitin's always growing out, you know?

...I guess that isn't a catch-all. I don't want to throw my own weak advice at you with any promise it'd help. I'm barely getting by right now, and not with flying colors. It does seem good that you're reaching out, if nothing else. And... I really do empathize with what you're saying.

What sort of stuff is going on in your life right now? You can be vague if you'd like, but a tether to physical happenings can be a nice thing from time to time. Have you eaten anything nice lately? Maybe a really good cup of coffee, or tea?

Honestly, even a good night's sleep can be something to celebrate. More and more I'm thinking of it as a well, like you mentioned. It dries up, it fills up. There's so much external and internal that it's impossible to predict, but you know the feeling when it's empty.

Recently I slept for a full night, from before New York got dark to after it got bright again. That's a weird feeling. When you're addled on actual rest, the artificial rest of caffeine is like nails on chalkboard, for a second.

Sorry if that's not a great topic, but like I said, trying to give legitimate advice seems like a real fallacy to me! After all, I'm far from a shining example.

But, I guess, I'm messaging you now. And you've messaged me back. So we've done better than nothing together.

Thanks for the good wishes, Visilit.

- I Will Reply

Mímir, Concerned Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerOkay, mystery solved. My special dot is something called an "acute" and it looks like this: í

I'm sure if I'd let that question remain unanswered it would have developed into a hilarious inside joke or something. Oh well. Individuality wasn't really a thing back at the hive, so none of us were ever given names other than the queen. So I picked mine myself. I just one day scrolled through a list of mythological characters from an old human religion and found one I liked. I also named some of my hivemates this way. That friend who I said got squeezed dead by a finger plant, I named him Baldr. Um, he actually died from caffeine deprivation. I liked my version better honestly. Oh, and the one who I said gave hugs to the finger plants when high on The Devil, I named her Njörun. And that did actually happen.

So funny story, the flower I originally dubbed "The Devil" was long dead before your first email. It's just sort of become what I call flowers now. You'd think a hive of bees would help the flower population tons, but for some reason the worker bees have been unable to carry pollen ever since the queen died eight years ago. So things have just sort of been slowly dying off. Caffeine keeps the bugs alive, and a stash of seeds keep the Devils returning.

I'm not actually alone at the gas station. I'm technically violating some sort of contract by being here, so I'm really shy about talking to him. He's really huge. He chopped down the finger plants and ate them for lunch! He punched the dark god in the face! His name is Berry, and he's one of those massive armored beetles. He showed up a few months ago to replace Kron, the previous station caretaker, who disappeared last year.

Berry is from the east, where the ant wars are still in full force. He keeps talking about how the tractor ants are gonna kill us all someday. Apparently there's an ant colony that has hijacked a broken down tractor and turned it into a war machine. It sounds absolutely devastating. And amazing. If the ant wars ever calm down, I might just head over there to see the ant tractor for myself.

Your replies are an absolute joy to read. Life is bleak, and being sent some positivity now and then is just really nice. So I've decided to disregard the garden gnome's warning. What does it know anyway? Nothing, it's an inanimate object. It's not even real, I made it up to foreshadow that this would be my last message. Not anymore, though! So take that, stupid imaginary garden gnome! Right now I'm really just waiting for Ore to come by with the next shipment of caffeine. I'll try to join her on the way back, and I'll figure things out from there I guess. Messages from me might become more rare if I'm gonna be on the go most of the time. So if it takes me a while to respond from now on, that's probably why.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Mímir, Concerned

Acute observation on the acute! Glad to finally have the right name in the subject line, haha.

I've heard the occasional thing or two about bee life in the current era, but I didn't know there were still hives out there that didn't name their people-- that sounds... demoralizing. I think names let us discover ourselves in all sorts of ways, and taking away someone's name takes away their ability to be known and spoken to by other people. Without the name Baldr, that bee could have been just about anyone, could have been made up. But with the name, that story and that name represent a person, not just a thought.

There are some books out there about people that hesitate to name anyone. It feels less like a book about people and more about a book about that person's experience, like everyone else involved is just some cog in a machine about them. That's what the hive experience seems like-- nobody is anything but their purpose and their actions. The reality is we're all living something internal, and that's what a name gives us. It validates us having feelings about our lives.

I guess you've probably thought about this kind of thing, since you've given names to yourself and others!

Maybe that's a sign of things to come, bees not carrying as much pollen. I read something the other day that a lot of flowers in the northern hemisphere have totally shifted to self-pollination. There just aren't enough of us around to give them anything better. I'm not exactly a botanist, but I wonder if trees are going to face the same issue? I always hoped there'd be a boom in plantlife when I was young, because I heard we get to grow bigger the more oxygen is in the atmosphere, but that doesn't seem to be happening anywhere except cities, where it used to be constantly trimmed.

And, I mean, my neighbors eat all the ivy anyway, so home has never been the green paradise I was picturing as a nymph.

Berry sounds like a fun person-- I've always liked bugs who are willing to punch dark gods in the face. Tractor ants don't sound nice at all, though. I've heard of the occasional war, but that sounds downright terrifying, if it's at all real. The world mostly feels calm right now, since nobody's fighting over space, but it's still shitty to hear about conflict of any kind. Are ants really getting attacked- killed- even nowadays? Maybe I'm still too naive over things. I feel like it's only in the last couple of years that I've been wary about shitty people and betrayal.

It's really nice to hear that these replies give you joy, Mímir. The emails I get from folks like you give me a ton of joy to read, too. I'm starting to not feel as awful trying to write replies, even! There's still plenty of worry that it'll stop, but until then...

I hope Ore's as nice as my friend Tieni, and you get to see some more of the world. At the least, you aren't going to have to worry about caffeine shipments getting to you, haha.

- I Will Reply

Part Of Things Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerHello. Hello. Hello!

Just saw this email. I don't check this address very much ... But I am very glad someone is out there with a project like this! I'm a little late, I know, but if you're still doing this, I would love to be part of it!

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Part Of Things

Hey, you're not late at all. We're all working on life at our own pace, and I guess the huge advantage of the Internet is that it is appropriately asynchronous. We don't have to be anywhere near each other, or anywhere near the same time, to speak like it's casual. It isn't like anyone's going to be signing up to deliver physical mail, haha.

Welcome to the project, I suppose! I'm Cent, I live in Bends, Brooklyn, so the ground's a little further down for me than a lot of people I've met over these emails. I've explored a slight bit more of the city now, and I can report that at least one of the tourist destinations is pretty fun, even with the bartender gone.

I just started hanging out with the caffeine delivery bug for our building, and it's been pretty exhilarating, pretty exhausting. I think it might've just been these emails that convinced me to try meeting someone like that.

How about you? Any big changes-- anything about the world you're living in that might rock someone else's?

- I Will Reply

Mímir, Concerned Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerSo, um... Ore showed up the other day. And I told her I wanted to join her on the way back. So that's happening. Excited for that. Now I'm just waiting for her to finish delvering caffeine to all the local spots. It's not just the vending machine near the station. There's a couple of families further into the forest that need direct deliveries for a variety of reasons. So Ore left to take care of that. She was supposed to be back last night, so I'm a little concerned, I guess. Berry decided to go look for her. I'm looking after the station in the meanwhile.

At times like this I just need to stay positive, I guess. If I'm leaving with Ore, I'll have to go say goodbye to the hive. Despite all the bad things I can say about it as a whole, the bees there are family, and I do care about them a great deal. I'm going to print out that paragraph you wrote about the importance of names so I can read it aloud to them, because you say it so much better than I ever could.

The ant wars are definitely going on in some form somwhere in the general direction of east. Sometimes travelling bugs come through with stories about it. To my knowledge it's not really so much about space anymore. It really is just a senseless war fueled by an ancient rivalry. That's my interpretation, at least. It's not something I have given much thought to, but I think anything you hear about the ant wars should be taken with a grain of salt. There's likely a lot of misinformation going around. I was tempted to imagine the ant tractor as just an ant that grew as big as a tractor, but maybe that's the sort of topic I shouldn't be making things up about.

Out of curiosity, I did ask Ore if she knew of a bug named Tieni, but nah, guess that would be too much of a coincidence.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Mímir, Concerned

I hope Ore's alright! I wouldn't worry too bad, and maybe use this time to talk to your hive.

Tieni was gone on a long expedition the first time I went to look for her. Our machine was out for a little extra long, and it got me and my neighbors worried, but it turned out she was just a little behind schedule because of all the hassle that comes with delivering caffeine. I mean, there's people who berate her just because she brings the coffee delivered a little wrong, or the tea in slightly the wrong flavor. Not to mention the old bugs who are still bitter that their favorite kind of bean or tea leaf can't be grown anymore, and always remind her that it's somehow her fault for that.

Or the bugs who think she deserves shit because she's trans, which would be plenty enough to make me want to quit. I don't get it. I don't get how people can be so upset over something that has nothing to do with them, and that has nothing to do with anyone, especially not now.

Anyway, I guess those are things you should keep in mind if you're headed out! I had the idea to ask her if I could go on an expedition or two, too, because it seems like a real interesting time. I'm headed out tonight to shadow for the second time at the mixing plant she gets shipments from. I'm really excited to be able to hand her a package of stuff and be like, hey, come ship this out! It's made with love! Something like that. I have no clue how it'll actually turn out.

I appreciate that the paragraph about names had some meaning. I mostly don't know what I'm talking about with stuff, so it's all pretty much made-up. I do think your hive would benefit from names, though. I think we put so much meaning in our names that when we discard them, we become a new person, and I bet taking on a name for the first time has a similar effect.

I mean, hey, 'tractor ant' is already a name that makes you think of so much. And calling that senseless conflict a 'war', like it's some noble organized thing, gives it validity, too. It sounds awful, Mímir. Whichever way you go with Ore, it should be away from that. I've never thought about how things can get living in the wilderness. New York City, as empty as it can feel, is infinitely more claustrophilic than the woods.

Makes enough sense Ore doesn't know Tieni, but I do love when coincidences like that happen. I'm guessing you're nowhere near New York, though. They've got caffeine carriers all over the world now, so it feels like a one in a million shot. I guess weirder things have happened!

- I Will Reply

Rose Hotel, Changed Bug Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerHey. I'm here to respond to your email. I received it quite a while ago, but I couldn't bring myself to spill my guts to a stranger. Bugs change, though.

I'm Rose Hotel. I named myself after a musician. I know that's an odd concept. Most of the bugs where I live only experience sound in a vibration way. Hell, my friends describe music with words like "cacophonous", "unpredictable", and "ugly". But uh. As a cicada, I spent most of my life dormant below a human establishment where music was played. 15 years, can you imagine that? 15 years of sound grating on my brain until it made a little more sense. And you know what? Music is beautiful. I wish I could share it with everyone. I wish I could open your head and pour myself in there so you could understand the soup of audible motion. It flows like water and washes over my perception. It feels like life. It feels like change. I really wish I could share it. Just, with anyone. Anyone at all.

I don't know why I went on that tangent. I'm afraid that if I delete it I'll lose something important.

There's only one other bug I met that showed interest in music. A chill fellow, Named himself Marco. He tried so hard to get what I was showing him. I think he was about to, even. Maybe 3 or so months and he would've understood. God, I think you already know where this is going. He's not with us anymore.

I don't think that you'd be willing, but would you like to listen to music with me? It doesn't have to be an all the time thing. Just maybe, 30 minutes a day, you could put some on in the background and let yourself soak. I just need to share this feeling. You don't need to understand it yet. I could even recommend some of my favorites.

This is very stream of consciousness, sorry. I think I'm conflicted between thinking of you as a stranger and thinking of you like a chance to start over, and I realize that might be uncomfortable for you. I think a while ago I probably would've been content to leave this message sitting in my inbox forever because I didn't need anybody else back then. Bugs change, though.

Sincerely,
Rose Hotel

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Rose Hotel, Changed Bug

Oh, my god! I haven't met a bug who was around with humans in so long, at least been able to talk to them at all. My mum was born a good time after, even though she lived through the Burst. I can't even imagine what it was like hearing music made by those huge instruments and human musicians. I guess as a cicada you never really had a choice, huh?

I looked up Rose Hotel. I was going to say I don't think there are any in the area I live (New York City), but then I found the band you were talking about! I can't listen very well on my home setup. With how sound works, I'd need a speaker six hundred times bigger to make sound with a full frequency range. The ones that came with my mini-computer are barely enough to hear spoken word, and it's not able to store very many media files anyway.

I play an instrument (well, not proficiently, but...) and do like the sound of music, generally. I don't know of any good way to expose myself to it besides staying at home, because staying at home is most of what I do anyway. There are jazz clubs in New York City, and jazzy instruments my size, and even a bug I know on the internet named Jazzmon, but I can't say I've actually been there to hear any of it. It's hard to get out of here, but I guess music can make you feel like you're being transported.

I'm sorry about your friend Marco. Losing someone who gives you a rock to stand on sounds absolutely terrible. I didn't mean it at first, but for a couple people this email has been sort of a rock in the cascading river to hold onto. I can't promise anything- I never can- but I really would like to be here to reply, and be present, and help give you reason to stick around. It's still nice to have people. I thought I could live without my dad and stepdad, for all the help they gave me when I was growing out of my shell, but

I guess over time you realize how much you need good people.

If you send me some music, Rose, I would love to hear it. Like I said, it won't be of great quality, but that's okay, right? I would love to get it stuck in my head and let it swirl around.

- I Will Reply

Dalorh, Kinda Unsure Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerSorry for the late reply, our internet dropped out for a bit and it took a while to get working again.
Actually that's a lie. There was a problem with it, but it fixed itself again after a bit, I don't know how. The real reason is because..
..I don't know. It's hard to explain. Someone came by I didn't expect to see. It wasn't related to this but it made talking to you feel weird. Not like, because of you or anything but
bluh. whatever it doesn't matter right now.
It's good to hear that you went to that event with your friend. I think there's a festival that goes on every year somewhere near where I live, but I've never been before. I should probably check it out, but I don't really know if I'd enjoy it. I'm not that social myself, I usually just talk occasionally and stay silent most of the time, and I'm fine with that, but I've never been in a group of more than a dozen bugs at once. I don't know if I'd really fit in that well around more people than that.
I tried looking up that Sequence Break thing you mentioned, and it seems really crazy? It might just be my internet but I got a lot of different stories, like one about a rocket flying without any fuel, or the moon staying still in the sky, or an old-fashioned astronaut rising from an ocean. I don't know, I couldn't find any sites that looked official. I feel like it'd make more sense in a book. Do you know if anyone's written any books about it?

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

Don't worry about it, yeah? I wasn't able to reply for ten months, remember. It's not like there's always an easy answer or explanation. Honestly, sometimes it would be easier if there were some kind of mean explanation, like I hated the people on this email list, but it isn't that. It's inexplicable. I really appreciate you sending a reply regardless, Dalorh.

I'm not great at social situations. Online, there's so much time to prepare yourself, but I don't usually have the ability to go further in person. On the flipside, staying quiet does work alright in big crowds. I think that's where a lot of people go, because it gets too loud to do much more. When I went to the Sequence Break, everyone was so social, I felt like I had to be a part of it, but that drained the shit out of me. If I'd just retracted a little, I might've been okay.

Maybe you should just... try a festival sometime? Do it with prep time, be mentally ready, and make sure you get sleep at a normal time. But those experiences are still nice to have. They can bring you out of a slump sometimes, but they can put you in a new one if you're unprepared.

I don't know. I'm talking out my abdomen with a lot of this. Truth be told, that's just the mantra I tell myself when I go out and 'experience the world'. It's hard to know if it's really a benefit, or just something pretending to be nice. Maybe that's something you have to figure out yourself- sorry.

The Sequence Break is really hard to look up. In a stroke of surreal internet authoritarianism, I don't think you can even type out the bartender's name and expect it to get where it's going. Sure, you can type it out in context, like- on the foggy night, I went out to the Sequence Break- but it totally nixes your email if you try anything more.

The way I heard it, especially from the bugs at the bar, the bartender showed up one day, surprised all the humans, and hung out and wallowed in fame for a while. After a couple years, someone pulled a weapon and the bartender ended up dying. The whole bar equipment that humans had been trying to decipher for decades shot up into space right then and there, and they sent astronauts after it. They found something out of our solar system- a planet or a moon or something, I think- that made them all want to leave, and we still don't know what.

That's the bare essentials of it, I guess. I think it's been embellished plenty, so you've probably heard parts of truth, and I probably don't have the whole truth either. If there are written books, you could probably find the bartender's name written out, too, but I don't know of any. If you've got any libraries nearby, you should ask about it! I can't find any when searching the Internet, but given that they probably name the bartender in the title... yeah.

If you don't mind me asking, who came by that you weren't expecting? Was it a good kind of visit?

- I Will Reply

Aoiphyrgana, Part Of Things Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerAppropriately asynchronous! I like that. We can even look at product reviews from the human-internet era, ha-ha. Try commenting on them and you’ll never get a reply, though!

I’m Aoiphyrgana. An ant. Out in the de-sert. We used to have a lot of ants out here, I hear the culture used to be pretty different too. More everything-for-the-good-of-the-colony. Now there aren’t that many of us and we’re probably a lot more individualistic.

No big changes for me, I’m sorry to say! I live at the Research Station. We call it that but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen any research of any kind go on here. I like to make fun of it, but I can’t complain too much, I suppose. My research-mate is Steldhinoff, another ant. He’s older than me, he knows a lot about Science, he just doesn’t want to do anything. Whenever I bring up some kind of crazy project or research we could do he says we don’t have the equipment. Or else we do have the equipment, but it would take twenty ants to do anything with it. He’s probably right, I have to admit it. They’re happy to support us being out here but no one is investing any money into buying us new equipment.

So I spend a lot of time going through the Research Station’s library. It’s a great library, luckily. And I take long walks. Long walks. There’s mostly just rocks to look at out here, but I don’t mind that too much. The stars are incredible, at least. That’s the part of the world I’m living in that would most rock somebody else’s.

Hanging out with the caffeine delivery bug sounds good! I see mine something like once every three months. She comes out in a truck, can you believe it. Well, it must be a long drive.

I like your name for me! I would like to be more part of things. Although I like being at the edge of things too. At the edge of civilization, at the edge of the Great Black Sea that is all this barren land out here … Well, goodbye for now, I suppose!

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Aoiphyrgana, Part Of Things

Product reviews! I haven't browsed so many of those, but after your email I went on some of the old sites, and, yep, it's pretty marvelous. Archiving hasn't kept up every domain, but for most of them, it's fun to check out places with, like, one review, just to hear about it from some isolated person's perspective. I can guess why there isn't anything popular like that nowadays, but can you imagine how helpful it'd be if it was easier to get close to people?

It seems like out where you're at, getting close to people is a tall task. I'm sorry to hear it's gotten lonely. I know a lot of places that used to be bustling are now just... devoid. And it can be terrible trying to find connection when you feel trapped.

What kinds of things did your Station research? Was it somewhere set up by ants? I'm guessing not, since you're talking about huge equipment, but I've always wondered if we're ever going to start coming up with ways to get off this rock. Humans figured it out, but everything I see on the Internet is about staying down to earth. Though I guess there's plenty to explore, if that library's anything to go by!

I actually have another friend on here who I think would love to be able to explore a library. There are so many things they're curious about, especially regarding life before the Burst. I have just a few stories to tell, but being able to read about it from a credible source would probably mean the world to them.

The stars sound lovely. There's still plenty of light pollution in New York, so the stars are little faint dots against the canvas, and spotting even one constellation makes you dizzy. I've seen pictures of the whole night sky, but imagining it all lit up is beyond comprehension. I bet my mum couldn't have pointed out one star out of the billions.

Can you imagine being just one star in that sea of too-many-to-count? You'd look so close, but in reality, the distances are hopelessly large. You can't ever really reach other planets, not really, no matter how hard you imagine you could, or hope you could.

...Anyway, I guess you don't have to go anywhere from the edge to be part of things. I'm probably so far off that we couldn't see each other if we were mountain-sized, let alone bug-sized, and yet here we are, talking! I only wish I could come and help run some of the equipment, haha. I'm no ant, but roaches can lift a good chunk of their body weight anyhow.

- I Will Reply

Dalorh, Kinda Unsure Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerYeah, I guess I should go to something like that, your description of Sequence Break sounded pretty cool. I asked my parents, and they said it was about a day's travel, and that i could make the trip with a friend of theirs who usually goes. They weren't interested in coming themselves, but they were really fond of talking about it and were happy that I wanted to go. Apparently they'd met each other there! And they also said that there were bugs a lot older than them there, and that I should ask them questions I have about humans and the past (I've been pestering them a lot more since I started talking to you, heh). It's still a long way away though, but I can wait.

As for the person who visited, it was, well...
You know how i said there were people I hadn't gotten in touch with in a long time?
One of them was just passing by through coincidence. They'd known my name, so when my parents talked to them they came over and...
It was still just as awkward face to face as it was online. Neither of us said anything. Why is that? Why couldn't I speak to them?
After they left i just cried in my room. I'm not even sure why. It just felt so hard to talk, and I couldn't do it.
I don't know why I'm telling you this, I think I'm just venting. I'm not upset about it now, I mean i'm still sad but you know what I mean.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

I'm really sorry to hear about that. Like I said, I'm really terrible in face-to-face situations. Sometimes the people I care about most terrify me the most, too, and that makes it all the worse. It sounds to me like you wanted to talk to them, but things got overwhelming, and I totally get it.

It does help to vent! I mean, there's obviously a level of disconnect, because I'm just somebody random on the Internet, and it's a little less crazy than confiding to someone you know 'for real'. I know that, for my dad, I never know how to talk about half the things I want to. Sometimes I'll just blurt out whatever's in my mind, just to pour out anything. Since I started this email thing, there's been a little more of that. Maybe it's getting easier, or maybe I just have more things to vent about. Who knows?

Either way, it's going to be okay, at least in terms of being able to talk to people. People tend to be a lot more forgiving than they seem. It'll work out better in the future, I think.

Day's travel isn't terrible for a whole kind of festival gig! Though if I were you, I'd probably try to go with my parents, or at least somebody I know really well. Going out completely into the unknown can sometimes be way, way too much. But who knows? Being alone isn't the worst feeling in the world. It does mean that you're not going by anyone else's expectations of what to do-- you just have your own. If you can quiet that voice and just enjoy what's going on around you, that might be the best option, too.

And, hey, if it's where your parents met, it seems like a pretty friendly place! I'm sure there would be dozens and dozens of stories from before the Burst. I actually just recently got an email from a cicada who was alive when humans were around, and lived under a music hall. With a big sample size, there's bound to be somebody like that, right?

- I Will Reply

Zat, Disconnect Connection Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerHello again! Took a while getting back to this. Sorry about that.

No, I don’t think its weird that you felt tired by the experience. In my own experience, facing your fears can be draining, and that, in turn, can be discouraging. Especially if the fatigue or fear is more pronounced in your memory than other parts. It can be a huge obstacle. Still, good on you for getting out there!

I still struggle with this a lot. A heck of a lot, actually. Haven’t really strayed from my comfort zone since exploring that factory. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m back at square one. Each time I face my fears, on average, I lessen them.

Your description really makes the city seem all the more incredible. Such a place sounds so alien compared to my fairly-flat part of the world. I guess it wouldn’t make too much of a practical difference, since even a relatively small human structure can be large and complex enough to take years to fully explore, but its more about the sublime vistas; the sheer visual vastness!

I’m a brown marmorated shield bug, by the way. Name’s Zat. I live in a small city in the central US. I forget exactly where, since few bugs around here keep track of the old human-drawn state lines, but I think it’s little North of center.

Life is kinda dull here. The locals are friendly enough, but I have a difficult time really relating to them. I have some good friends online, but lately I’ve been having a harder and harder time finding stuff to talk about with them.

Still, I’m hopeful. Life may be a bit stagnant now, but I have plenty of reasons to be optimistic.

Hope you’re doing well,
Zat

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Zat, Disconnect Connection

Yeah, the fears do get lessened after confronting them. Maybe... too much to notice, always. And since I went out that night, I've taken on a lot, way too much. I think it should have been nymph steps from there, but now it's flight, and I'm tumbling pretty hard.

New York City isn't too much of a sublime vista! I mean, it's convoluted, but I'm not exactly living near Times Square or anything. It's apartment complex in downtown Brooklyn. It used to be way flatter around here, decades ago, but by the time humans were all around the globe, they started building taller buildings all throughout the city, just to fit everyone. I guess it's less beautiful to me and more just... how things are.

Maybe that's just the fear of going out to explore it? I certainly don't have the confidence to go perusing a building I don't have business in, you know? I explore Bends, and my dad's complex, Craters, but the streets in-between are kind of a blur.

If you look at it the right way, the city is its own kind of jungle. But there's intent behind every single thing, at least from some human at some point in time. Maybe there's a meta sort of beauty to it, because you can see all the cacophonous voices all working in tandem to make whatever we now call New York. Who designed that cell tower? Who designed that windowsill? Who designed that brick pattern? You could get lost in it for a long time.

Sometimes if I'm bored out of my brain, I take a telescope out and look at Manhattan. That's visual noise.

Oh! Something I do love watching is the dung beetles moving cars out of the road. They've got to take them pretty far out of the way to make things viable, but it's kind of hypnotizing seeing them work. They've got to work all kinds of custom equipment, making sure things are ultra-safe, assessing each vehicle to see if the wheels are still free-spinning and whatnot.

Bends is on one of the main roads they use for the cars on Long Island, and there are still tens of thousands to drag out of the city. Once the roads are clear, there'll be another half-dozen years filling potholes, and then finally we'll have our own vehicles going through. Our caffeine carrier won't even need to use a plane anymore, if she doesn't want. (Though, it's probably a perk for her, haha.)

You know, I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I'm a cockroach named Cent! I feel like my life's usually dull as hell, but hearing stories from other people has made it a lot more bearable. I hope me being another friend online helps you some. If we ever run out of things to talk about, I promise there's plenty of cool stuff I've heard from other emails to relay.

Optimism is always easier when you don't have to deliver it in person, haha. I can at least feel optimistic about talking to people online, even if that's completely fake, even if I'm faking it. It's actually been fucking awful lately, and

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Zat, Disconnect Connection

Yeah, the fears do get lessened after confronting them. Maybe... too much to notice, always. And since I went out that night, I've taken on a lot, way too much. I think it should have been nymph steps from there, but now it's flight, and I'm tumbling pretty hard.

New York City isn't too much of a sublime vista! I mean, it's convoluted, but I'm not exactly living near Times Square or anything. It's apartment complex in downtown Brooklyn. It used to be way flatter around here, decades ago, but by the time humans were all around the globe, they started building taller buildings all throughout the city, just to fit everyone. I guess it's less beautiful to me and more just... how things are.

Maybe that's just the fear of going out to explore it? I certainly don't have the confidence to go perusing a building I don't have business in, you know? I explore Bends, and my dad's complex, Craters, but the streets in-between are kind of a blur.

If you look at it the right way, the city is its own kind of jungle. But there's intent behind every single thing, at least from some human at some point in time. Maybe there's a meta sort of beauty to it, because you can see all the cacophonous voices all working in tandem to make whatever we now call New York. Who designed that cell tower? Who designed that windowsill? Who designed that brick pattern? You could get lost in it for a long time.

Sometimes if I'm bored out of my brain, I take a telescope out and look at Manhattan. That's visual noise.

Oh! Something I do love watching is the dung beetles moving cars out of the road. They've got to take them pretty far out of the way to make things viable, but it's kind of hypnotizing seeing them work. They've got to work all kinds of custom equipment, making sure things are ultra-safe, assessing each vehicle to see if the wheels are still free-spinning and whatnot.

Bends is on one of the main roads they use for the cars on Long Island, and there are still tens of thousands to drag out of the city. Once the roads are clear, there'll be another half-dozen years filling potholes, and then finally we'll have our own vehicles going through. Our caffeine carrier won't even need to use a plane anymore, if she doesn't want. (Though, it's probably a perk for her, haha.)

You know, I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I'm a cockroach named Cent! I feel like my life's usually dull as hell, but hearing stories from other people has made it a lot more bearable. I hope me being another friend online helps you some. If we ever run out of things to talk about, I promise there's plenty of cool stuff I've heard from other emails to relay.

- I Will Reply

Zat, Disconnect Connection Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerCent,

Wanted to say: I'm sorry that I just threw out the whole 'face your fears' message without even tempering it with a 'pace yourself'.

Actually, I'm sorry for giving unsolicited advice at all. Even if it were solicited, I'm really not qualified. I want to believe I have things figured out, but I really don't know what I'm doing.

And, for a different kind of sorry, I'm sorry to hear that you're tumbling. I hope you can get some solid footing again soon.

Zat

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Zat, Disconnect Connection

Please don't worry over it. I'm going to live through it, I guess I just need time. And time's been moving a lot slower since this train of thought started.

Giving advice is a normal thing to want to do, and sometimes it can be really helpful, if you give it the right constraints, if it's timed right. The truth is that nobody has anything totally figured out, and advice can't apply to anyone the same way it applies to the person giving it.

But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it! I'm in a bad place right now, I guess, and that's all it is. I haven't really been able to admit it to people so far, because I keep thinking it'll just get better if some time passes. I guess it's still worth talking about. Sorry if that's... I don't now. It can suck to have somebody press their problems on you without wanting them, which is what I'm doing, I think.

How about we talk about something else, just in general? If you like cityscapes, I could describe some parts of New York to you. The job I'm doing now, going to buildings to deliver caffeine is a once-a-week thing, so I could tell you about a different place each email. I head out Tuesday nights, but I could write down what the places are like.

Like, last week I went to an apartment complex called Skips. Most of the structure is concrete, so bug housing is carved right into the cement and rock. It's claustrophobic, and... poorly lit, and just trash, a place you really don't want to end up. But I headed home thinking it must've taken a lot of effort to carve the place out, and it's a place with so many people living their lives, making memories, that whatever it looked like to me is just my take.

In reality, I can imagine all kinds of bugs growing up pretty well in Skips. They still get the same caffeine shipments, and there's heating, and... it's alright. It's making use of those huge, awful structures humans built just to store their cars, and giving bugs a place to live, hundreds of them.

What do you think? It's obviously not the best area to live, and I wish it were better, but that's way out of my control. I remember pegging it as a total dump, but that's an awful outlook too. And we met a couple people who took caffeine packages who were super nice.

- I Will Reply

Mímir, Concerned Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerVisiting the hive for the first time in almost a year was an interesting experience. There was a depressing atmosphere to it that I'm surprised I never noticed before. Everyone had lost at least one person they cared deeply about, the pain of it yet lingered and forever would. I think the traditions and stories and solidarity helped them deal with it and process it, but it never quite went away. I took part in one final flower worship ceremony, and for a moment I felt The Devil compelling me to stay. The thought disturbed me profoundly, the name I gave the flower now took on such a different meaning. Such a terrible, horrible meaning I couldn't help but fly away as soon as I felt it and understood it.

I've left that place behind me for good. I don't know if my defying The Devil was some impressive feat of willpower or not. If I made the biggest mistake of my life or not. All I know is if I had stayed with the hive, I would have eventually died surrounded by a loving family, having done nothing with my life. And maybe it's just me, but knowing that something will be my death is the most terrifying thing I can imagine. I think I'll tell the hive's story in full one day, and get a book made about it or something. But right now I just want to get away from it all.

I've been on the road for the past two weeks or so. Arrived at the first refueling station today, and let me tell you, travelling for that long is soooooo boooooooring! The sights are interesting and all the first few times, but it just gets so repetitive. Mountain, valley, mountain, valley, rinse and repeat. And the roads seem to be taking the exact longest possible routes around the mountains. I've seen tunnels, I know they exist, so where are they?

I actually had to look up the word "trans" online cause that's entirely new to me. It sounds super interesting. Like, I always thought of gender as some generic fact about someone which used to have a purpose back when bees at the hive had actual roles and jobs to do based on it. Never thought to implement it into some sort of personal "identity" thing. Even that concept alone feels almost alien, having an emotional connection to facts about oneself. I dunno, guess it's rude to judge, but I'm personally having a hard time wrapping my head around it at least.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Mímir, Concerned

I'm really sorry to hear about your hive. Even if it's someplace you're leaving, it's... never good to hear things going wrong. It takes away the potential of them getting better. You can't always change things that big, and it sounds like convincing such a huge place to leave their home would be impossible. I guess the best you can do is show them that it's possible, which is what you've done, and it seems like the time was right.

Hey, maybe somebody will follow in your steps. If nothing else, that book is bound to help somebody, somewhere, in the same situations. There are plenty of anthills and beehives out in the world, after all.

Traveling is a huge burden, I know! Our worlds are so much smaller than they're supposed to be, because we just don't have the size to cope. In New York, dung beetles are tearing out the cars and refurbishing the roads, just so we can drive our own vehicles. That's just one city, and it's taking years and years!

You'll get where you're going, though. Some places get sweeter because of the trip there.

I don't think "trans" is something that anybody knows intrinsically. It took me time to learn and figure out, too. And I never felt those kinds of ways, but it's totally possible to describe and understand. That's just coming from my own perspective, because I spend a lot of time thinking about identity, and 'self', and... all that. It seems like you're still figuring all that out, so don't worry about how intricate it can all get. I guess the key thing is that people want to feel like themselves, or the best version of themselves.

A name is just one part of you. A lot of things, we get as we grow up, but a lot of other stuff, it's just there, it's who you are, and you just live with it. You don't get to choose what kind of bug you're  born as. I started getting it when I realized I was gay.

...and even then, I'm totally petrified at the prospect of making that part of my identity to other people. At least online it's de-synchronized, but it'd be like if I lived in a hive with nameless bees, and adopted a name, and told them all. It's important to me, but the fear is still there, the alienation.

I don't know how we're supposed to move past those kinds of things except time. But knowing yourself, and realizing more about yourself, and being more true to that identity, is... good. Intrinsically. I think it has to be.

- I Will Reply

Dalorh, Kinda Unsure Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerYeah, that was the kind of thing I used to use my old journal for, writing down stuff that kept on going around in my head. I mean it still went around a lot and didnt go anywhere, but at least it was on paper, heh. I don't usually talk to people online about personal stuff because basically everyone i know are just relatives or semi-acquaintances i have contact with for random specific reasons, i dont really go on general message boards or anything like that much. I felt comfortable telling you though, i guess because i knew you'd understand, or something. It just seemed like the sort of thing that would belong in these emails. Although, I still don't feel like I know you that well. Do we count as acquaintances, or friends, or whatever? I don't know it probably doesnt matter that much.

I think I'll go to the festival alone, or at least without my parents, I'd probably just end up wandering away from them once i was there anyway, heh. And wow, that other bug sounds like they wouldve had a really interesting life! Tell them I said hi.

...So I can't really think of any way to segue into this, so im just going to change the topic randomly. I found something strange the other day while I was on a walk. Recently there was a storm near where I live, and when I went over to it, some of the trees had fallen over, and their wood was black. I think lightning struck a few of them. But inside the stump of one of the trees was this box. It was made of plastic, so i think it must've been made by humans, but the tree didn't have any openings or holes that I could see, so I don't know how it could've gotten in there. It was quite small, so i dragged it out of the stump and carried it home. My parents didn't know what to make of it, although they didn't mind it either. It had a lot of nice patterns on its sides, mostly in green and red. Right now we're just keeping it a little ways outside. I haven't been able to open the box yet, but i'm pretty sure its hollow from the sound it makes when i knock it.

I actually have a kind of collection of stuff like this. Like that ring I told you about in my, second message i think? I like thinking about this stuff. Like, I've walked past the tree that had this box inside it dozens of times, and I never even knew it was there. And now I've found it. I don't know, it's hard to describe, but that kind of thing happening just makes me feel this excitement, discovering something nobody has seen for who knows how long. It's like finding buried treasure. except more mysterious.

That was just something I wanted to share, I dont know if you're interested or not. You should talk about something personal to you to balance it out, heh.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

I feel like we're friends! Well, I don't know these things too well, always. Sometimes I'll interact with somebody for a couple weeks and feel like I've known them for years, but you've replied to my emails more than anyone- which I don't want to make it sound like it's necessary, but it's been nice!- and been just nice to talk to. And, honestly, we've talked about plenty of stuff that's hard to get off your carapace anywhere else in the world.

Friends serve different purposes, right? We can be the kind of friends who talk online about important shit through one of the slowest methods of communication, and that can just be alright.

The box sounds like a mystery! I'm pretty sure I can guess why a human might make something like that, but I won't spoil you on what exactly it is, haha. You can probably give it a little time before opening it-- the month's still pretty young. Whoever it was meant for is so far gone that you'll be doing them a favor seeing whatever's in it, I think.

I get what you mean, finding things that were hidden and lost. Bends has all sorts of spaces between the walls, and in a couple of them, you can find construction workers and even architects marking credit, or people carving their names into the wood and saying the year. Messages from the 1990s exist here, just sitting, calling out without any preference on who sees them. It's like, their purpose is to be found, but not shown off. I imagine there will be messages written that are never seen by anyone before the places they were written in are destroyed.

Hey, does that count as something personal? I don't want to talk endlessly about my mum, haha. This was my own exploring through the building. It's not an infinite place, but it feels like it, even though the whole thing is still so familiar, so much like home. I just wish there were more people who weren't my neighbors.

...I wish being familiar with a place didn't make me feel stuck.

- I Will Reply

Mímir, Concerned Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerOh boy, there's a whole intricate world of identity politics out there. Not sure I'm quite prepared for it right now. I think finding where I belong on the dozens of different spectrums they've got, is going to take so much time to get right that I might just wanna do it little by little over the course of a lifetime. I tried to get a discussion going with Ore about it while we were travelling, but she doesn't seem very interested in the subject at all. Or maybe I'm just being too pushy. In any case, I guess I still have a long way to go before I can say anything for sure about myself other than what my name is.

Thankfully the refueling stations from here on out aren't so ridiculously far away from each other. I can't connect to the internet while I'm on the road, so our stops to refuel are kinda my only chances to stay in touch right now. Trying to imagine the logistics of how this whole route works makes my head spin. Apparently transporting fuel to the refueling stations takes significantly more fuel than they're actually able to deliver at a time, and that's on top of things like caffeine and other equipment. The fact that it takes this much effort to get caffeine that far out makes me seriously wonder why they don't just make people move closer to the caffeine factories (or whatever they're called). Guess some bugs are just too attatched to their homes.

I'm still not quite sure where I'm going, but I'm pretty excited about it, even if the trip itself is super boring. Some of the mountains are starting to look less like big piles of rocks and more like sleeping giants. I wonder if it's even possible for living things to get that big. What stories they might have to share sets my mind wandering. I came upon a cliff overlooking a river that kinda zig-zagged a bit, and it got me thinking about why that happens. I know rivers exist cause the water over millions of years just carves a path through the earth, but wouldn't you expect it to travel in a straight line then? Or at least something less... meandering I guess. I wonder what story that river has to share, and it too sets my mind wandering. When there's nothing but mountains and valleys to catch my attention, I have to reach a bit farther to find something interesting to focus on. Sometimes even the clouds start telling me stories. And the stars in the night sky.

If you have any interesting stories to share, I'll be happy to hear them. I've been focusing so much on my own journey in these last few emails that I feel like I've been ignoring your story. Did you make any new friends at that halloween party? Done anything interesting with Tieni lately? Got any plans for christmas?

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Mímir, Concerned

Well, we're all still figuring ourselves out piecemeal. I think the key is to look for things that you gravitate towards. Finding yourself doesn't just have to be identity, it can be what you enjoy doing, what traits you like in people, that kind of thing. The best you can do is look and look, and... see what happens. Maybe it's a person you'd like to be more like, or a feeling you like having. Who knows?

When I was younger, I heard from someone that everyone, including us bugs, get an inkling of where we'd like to be when we hatch. It's an evolutionary trait, especially for big animals, to want to travel. It spreads genetic diversity if we don't like home sometimes. But I was born really loving home, and I think a lot of bugs are, too. Maybe to an unhealthy degree! I happen to be near caffeine all the time, but if I were born upstate like my mum, I wonder if the distance and inconvenience would just feel normal? For caffeine carriers, I wouldn't even think of the difficulty they go through. It'd be worth it, because I'm here, I'm home.

God, doing that much for anyone can feel impossible if you don't know how much it'd mean to them. I mean, half the time I can't get out of the house for the most middling, or important, thing, haha.

Not much to say on the living mountains thing- it's even harder to picture than humans- but if you think about it, trees and fungi are living mountains, aren't they? Even if an oak has its limits in height, they're all connected underground through the roots. The whole world lives a little. And if you expand your definition... New York City is a very living place. Even now, there's lights in the windowsills.

But it's a loud life, and the place you're travelling sounds a lot quieter. I can't imagine how good the stars look with so little light around. I actually can't imagine-- never seen it that way. They make me feel smaller than small even when they're muted with a coat of polluted fabric. Are you okay, down there? (ha.)

In terms of me?

I don't know. I'm kind of at the edge of my rope right now, and just struggling a little to figure my whole life out. I guess I'm writing this reply, though, right?

It's written, and you're getting it, so... on we march.

I've been finishing up my evals for the job I'm working at the caffeine plant. I don't know if it's a job, so much. I mean, that's what Tieni tells me, and what I tell my dad, but it feels cheap, like I'm an imposter. And now I'm... so broken and burnt out that I took most of the day, and... I think I need to take more time after this.

Actually, yeah, I guess I did make a friend at the halloween party. He's actually into some of the same creative projects as me and... introduced me to some cool things on the Internet to check out, that kind of thing. I'm getting to the point where I meet somebody and just rapid-fire ask them if they have the same interests, and why. It's been a while since I've met somebody out in meatspace and continued talking to them online.

The inverse has virtually never happened, but... hey, maybe this email gig will change that. I don't know how crazy it'd be, but organizing a meetup someday could be nice.

The nebulous sort of nice, reserved for future-Cent. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!

- I Will Reply

Dalorh, Kinda Unsure Wrote:To: Cent, Realized Their Purpose

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SpoilerIt has been nice, and I do look forward to seeing these messages. If just chatting like this is all we do, I'm fine with that, although I do kind of want to meet you properly if it weren't for the really inconvenient difficulty of doing so (Although I do live on the same continent as you, up north a ways, so who knows). I am glad that I know you, Cent. You always find some way to be, poetic i guess, in our messages. To work what you're saying into some kind of general moral about other people or the world or experiencing life. I don't find it condescending or anything, it's just something that makes it interesting to talk to you.

Still haven't gotten the box open yet (Thanks for not spoiling me). None of the sides seem to have opening or gap anywhere, but! I was playing around with it, and I noticed it had a weird effect on some of the other things I've found, specifically the metal objects. One particular face of the box stuck to any metal it touched, like they were connected. At first i was a bit worried that the box was broken somehow and that they would stay like that, but I managed to pull it off.
So, I'm pretty sure that the box is actually a magnet! Or at least contains a magnet, or something. I learned about magnets when I tried looking up science stuff before, but I've never actually seen one until now, and it's really cool! I spent most of yesterday just playing around with the box without trying open it, levitating bits of metal to it, rolling the ring past it, it was very fun. Now that I think about it, opening it will probably also involve the magnet. Still not sure how, though.

I have a bunch of weird thoughts about things being hidden and not being seen, but I feel like they wouldn't really make sense to get into, mostly because I have no possible idea how to describe them. But I'm sure you have more you can talk about than your mum, you can just, talk about yourself. Just list some random facts if you can't think of anything.

And if you feel to familiar with your home you could always move somewhere else, heh.
More seriously though, I don't really get what you mean (aren't most people not neighbors with you?) But I would say that changing things up might help you.

Cent, Realized Their Purpose Wrote:To: Dalorh, Kinda Unsure

Sorry, I was pretty unclear on the neighbors thing-- I just mean my literal neighbors! There's a centipede and millipede who live a couple doors down who inhabit a lot of the floor (since... there aren't enough bugs in the world to fill it all anymore). They're... alright, but they aren't really people I'm friendly with, I guess. If I go out exploring Bends, they'll probably be around.

I appreciate the sentiment, Dalorh, a lot. I guess that's part of the idea, right? I'm "I Will Reply",  not just Cent. There are folks on this project who I don't think have had anyone they can talk to, at least not about most things. There's a bee who just left their hive because of my... recommendation, I guess? It's a weird feeling! I'm still just a roach living under some floorboards, and I don't hardly feel like I should be responsible for those sorts of things. Hopefully it's just... a little nudge, and not a big push.

People like you on this project have done some stuff for me, for sure. And it's been especially nice to keep contact with you in particular. I'm really excited about that box, for one! I had a pretty good idea of what it was for, but besides the casing it's in, the contents could be just about anything. It might be too big to use alone, but 'use' is pretty subjective. It could be big enough to ride around, or a number of segmented little things you can take with you.

...In terms of just 'me' stuff? I don't know. I used to make card games, but I haven't done much of it lately. The friends I had when I was younger have generally just drifted away and aren't interested in those things anymore. I've never tried being penpals or whatever this is, so if I'm being honest, despite how long it's been going on, I'm still putting my chitin to the ground on whether or not it's... good.

It is cool that you're on the same continent, at least. Travel seems incomprehensible at a big scale like that, but maybe someday people from this mailing list could meet up? I don't know. I think a lot of them, and you, would like each other.

- I Will Reply